Okay so I know that we all have dreams and for some of us our dreams affect us more so than other. I am used to waking up terrified from most of my dreams, because mostly I have nightmares. Well three nights ago was the same as usual. And as usual the nightmare involved my dad.
Normally in nightmares involving my dad, I am running for my life, or I am helpless as he hurts the people I love, or I am getting hurt by him. In this nightmare though, I stood up to him, and then he died.
My dad actually did die Dec 27, 2006, however up until he has always been very much alive in my dream world. So for him to die a year and a half later in my dreams is very significant, and I feel very healing. I finally have grown up, and I no longer need to run in fear. I can turn and face him and know that there is no longer any mark of shame, or guilt left on me. Actually there never ever were any marks there. I just thought there was. Seriously for me this feels very life altering and changing. I don't think that I could describe it clearly enough, and enthusiastically enough. I feel as though this dream was and is a huge turning point in my healing journey.
Well enough for now. I am going to go relax with my hubby for a bit.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
I'm a Farm Wife
So Jeral and I have spent the last few days working on the back yard. We have decided to grass over the garden area. I am not a big gardener. I would like two small raised bed and then I might plant a bit of a garden.
Anyways the last few day I have been out there with the rotter tiller, and rake working away. We have had a few days of glorious sun, and it looks as though today is going to be another one. We need to rent a roller to pack down the ground, and then we need to lightly rake the ground again and then we can plant the grass and cover it with hay (to keep the grass seed from blowing away). I must say that I definitely feel as though I am a farmer while I am doing this stuff, and it has been good for me to be out there beside my husband doing this stuff.
My husband got this bright idea to use some of the dirt he dug up last year to fill in and level off the area we want to grass, and at first I though it was an excellent idea. However once we dumped the dirt and I started to try to rake it out I realized the dirt was in fact clay. That makes things a little tougher. The ground on our property is clay. Oiy lets add to the work, oh well, it means we get to spend more time together outdoors then.
Well that is it for our adventures. I'll take some pic over the next few days and add them in a later post.
Anyways the last few day I have been out there with the rotter tiller, and rake working away. We have had a few days of glorious sun, and it looks as though today is going to be another one. We need to rent a roller to pack down the ground, and then we need to lightly rake the ground again and then we can plant the grass and cover it with hay (to keep the grass seed from blowing away). I must say that I definitely feel as though I am a farmer while I am doing this stuff, and it has been good for me to be out there beside my husband doing this stuff.
My husband got this bright idea to use some of the dirt he dug up last year to fill in and level off the area we want to grass, and at first I though it was an excellent idea. However once we dumped the dirt and I started to try to rake it out I realized the dirt was in fact clay. That makes things a little tougher. The ground on our property is clay. Oiy lets add to the work, oh well, it means we get to spend more time together outdoors then.
Well that is it for our adventures. I'll take some pic over the next few days and add them in a later post.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Sports
So Jeral and I decided to take up rec volleyball together. It is definitely not competitive volleyball, and that is good for now, because my body oh my goodness. Let me just say that I am not 19 anymore. My body is not used to me throwing it down on the grounds and sprawling while I flailing to get the ball. My body is rather sore now. However playing volleyball with my husband is something very fun to do and I enjoy it very much.
Looking at me now you wouldn't think that back in my younger days I was athletic playing volleyball, basketball, softball (fast pitch, and slow pitch), track and field, and eventually soccer joined the list also. However I did love playing all those sports at one time. And I was thinking back to when I was younger the other night. I remember thinking that if I ever got married I would want my husband to play sports with me. So now we are, and oddly enough it was Jeral who pretty much had to drag me out there. I am grateful that he gave me the extra push I needed. I truly have an amazing husband.
I got a phone call the other night saying that the community soccer 15-18 div 1 teams were short soccer coaches and needed a coach. Well I have never coached soccer, however the idea of involved with youth in the community in a non-church way excited me and I could feel the passion building with in me. I am for now really done with being involved through church activities. So I am co-coaching the team with another lady whom I have never meet. I will meet her for the first time today at soccer practice. We both have previous commitments on Wednesday nights thus we are co-coaching so we can fill in for each other when needed. The Wednesday night games conflict with my counselling on Wednesdays down in Abbotsford, and for me first and foremost is my health and healing. If it meant not coaching this year then I would put my name on the list for next year, and be totally okay with it. However I feel really blessed that this opportunity has come up and that I get to co-coach with someone else.
Side note not to do with sports. I had to go see my doctor the other day, due to some medical issues, and well I was told that for at least two months I needed to go back on to birth control. I so don't like the idea of that, since it is so counter productive to what we are trying to accomplish with getting me to ovulate. Tricking my body into thinking it was pregnant really was not sitting so well with me. I did start to take it and then after three days of me taking the pill and not feeling right about it, I spent and evening with Jesus just listening and asking for His guidance. After that I decided not to take the pill and give whatever was happening in my body another month to happen. That seems to be what I was hearing from Jesus so, we'll see. I just don't want to take the pill. Other than that , there is no news as to when my surgery is to take place. I actually called the doctor and talked to the receptionist and I was told that it could be a bit yet, or something could happen and I could get a call tomorrow. So here goes the waiting game.
Blessing to you all!
Looking at me now you wouldn't think that back in my younger days I was athletic playing volleyball, basketball, softball (fast pitch, and slow pitch), track and field, and eventually soccer joined the list also. However I did love playing all those sports at one time. And I was thinking back to when I was younger the other night. I remember thinking that if I ever got married I would want my husband to play sports with me. So now we are, and oddly enough it was Jeral who pretty much had to drag me out there. I am grateful that he gave me the extra push I needed. I truly have an amazing husband.
I got a phone call the other night saying that the community soccer 15-18 div 1 teams were short soccer coaches and needed a coach. Well I have never coached soccer, however the idea of involved with youth in the community in a non-church way excited me and I could feel the passion building with in me. I am for now really done with being involved through church activities. So I am co-coaching the team with another lady whom I have never meet. I will meet her for the first time today at soccer practice. We both have previous commitments on Wednesday nights thus we are co-coaching so we can fill in for each other when needed. The Wednesday night games conflict with my counselling on Wednesdays down in Abbotsford, and for me first and foremost is my health and healing. If it meant not coaching this year then I would put my name on the list for next year, and be totally okay with it. However I feel really blessed that this opportunity has come up and that I get to co-coach with someone else.
Side note not to do with sports. I had to go see my doctor the other day, due to some medical issues, and well I was told that for at least two months I needed to go back on to birth control. I so don't like the idea of that, since it is so counter productive to what we are trying to accomplish with getting me to ovulate. Tricking my body into thinking it was pregnant really was not sitting so well with me. I did start to take it and then after three days of me taking the pill and not feeling right about it, I spent and evening with Jesus just listening and asking for His guidance. After that I decided not to take the pill and give whatever was happening in my body another month to happen. That seems to be what I was hearing from Jesus so, we'll see. I just don't want to take the pill. Other than that , there is no news as to when my surgery is to take place. I actually called the doctor and talked to the receptionist and I was told that it could be a bit yet, or something could happen and I could get a call tomorrow. So here goes the waiting game.
Blessing to you all!
Sunday, April 6, 2008
A Prayer
It's late and I really should go to bed, because I have an early day babysitting tomorrow (well I guess today actually) however I am having trouble sleeping.
The more I read, the more I listen to the wise counsel of my counsellor, and the more I spend time alone with Jesus the more I realize that asking God to magically fix things is not what He wants for me to be asking Him. In my mind it is so simple. Jesus just fix my reproductive organs, make my ovaries work, and life will be fine. Right? I try to reason everything out and yet when I stay stuck in my head reasoning things, and coming up with what I think the answers must be I just end up trying to leap over the brick wall of thinking/intellect, to which I truly can never leap high enough to get over.
My sister in law and I went walking the other day, and then she sent me a lovely email, telling me that in the darkness and pain I am feeling God is creating and changing me into someone very beautiful. I honestly do not feel very beautiful most days, and I cannot see the beauty of the fertility situation right now, however I know right now my eyes are covered and one day hopefully I will see the beauty.
So for now, and if it is only for today then that is one more day than I ever thought I would be able to say this, my prayer is that Jesus will be with me, hold me, and comfort me, as I face the hurt and lose of my deepest desires, instead of making it all better. And give me the strength, and humility to say this pray tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after, and every day to follow. Because being with you every day DADA God is better than the six children (or a thousand children) I want.
The more I read, the more I listen to the wise counsel of my counsellor, and the more I spend time alone with Jesus the more I realize that asking God to magically fix things is not what He wants for me to be asking Him. In my mind it is so simple. Jesus just fix my reproductive organs, make my ovaries work, and life will be fine. Right? I try to reason everything out and yet when I stay stuck in my head reasoning things, and coming up with what I think the answers must be I just end up trying to leap over the brick wall of thinking/intellect, to which I truly can never leap high enough to get over.
My sister in law and I went walking the other day, and then she sent me a lovely email, telling me that in the darkness and pain I am feeling God is creating and changing me into someone very beautiful. I honestly do not feel very beautiful most days, and I cannot see the beauty of the fertility situation right now, however I know right now my eyes are covered and one day hopefully I will see the beauty.
So for now, and if it is only for today then that is one more day than I ever thought I would be able to say this, my prayer is that Jesus will be with me, hold me, and comfort me, as I face the hurt and lose of my deepest desires, instead of making it all better. And give me the strength, and humility to say this pray tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after, and every day to follow. Because being with you every day DADA God is better than the six children (or a thousand children) I want.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Beauty From Pain
Those who are totally converted come to every experience and ask not whether they liked it, but what does it have to teach them. "What's the message in this for me? What is the gift in this for me? How is God in this event? Where is God in this suffering?"
Richard Rohr
Beauty From Pain - Superchick
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn
Richard Rohr
Beauty From Pain - Superchick
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn
Sunday, March 30, 2008
15 Months!
Today is 15 wonderful months of marriage, to the most amazing man in the whole wide world. I have a bit of a confession some nights when I cannot sleep I just stare at Jeral at Jeral and wonder how I ended up with such an amazing man. The answer is simply that my Heavenly DADA wanted to bless me and give me a wonderful gift in you Jeral David Krahn! I love you more and more every day.
I look forward to many more months and years a head of us. What ever God's will is for us I know we will make it through to the other side together.
I love you! Always and forever!!!!!!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
My Love and Best Friend
I had a bit of a rough night last night. Jeral and I sat down to watch "Open", the latest Nooma video to come out. The short 10 minute video is about prayer. The question is asked why does God seem to answer some prayers and not others, or is that He answers all prayers and sometimes the answer is no! Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane (I cannot spell sorry), to have the cup taken from Him, he told God the Father how he felt he cried out in anguish, and then he had the courage to say, "Your will not mine be done."
After the video I went upstairs drew a bath and sobbed, because as much as I want to be obedient to God and be able to say your will be done in regards to my getting pregnant, I know if God gave me the choice to be in control and do what I want, I would. I would be pregnant with Jeral's child right now. After about an hour I came downstairs and told Jeral how I felt. His immediate response was just to snuggle and hold me.
Then this morning came, and Jeral held me in his arms just before he went off to the barns and he said, "I love you first!" That was his way of once again reminding me he loves me more than anything. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful husband. Jeral truly is my best friend and the love I prayed for, for so long. Thanks DADA God for bringing us together.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Happy Easter
Wow so we have celebrated Easter. One thing that I was struck by is the fact that we all get so somber during Good Friday. I know that is the day that 2000 plus years ago Christ died. However seriously do we have to be so somber now. I agree it is good to remember and even necessary to remember, and yet I don't think that the church service on Good Friday needs to be all somber and sad and then make us wait until Sunday to rejoice. Let be rejoicing and dancing now, because HE IS ALIVE!!!!! Okay that is my little tangent.
Easter was good. This year we went to visit my mom, and my sister, as well as my cousin and her husband were over also. Good fun times. My husband is so adorable, when I woke up yesterday and came down stairs he had placed a little stuffed bunny along with some chocolate on the counter for me. I love that man. He is my mister cuddle buns!!!!;)
Tomorrow Jeral's parents are here for a night. I know he is looking forward to seeing them and I am in a much better place this time. No fertility drugs pumping through me yeah! I must say that I am celebrating for myself the fact that my anxiety levels are not through the roof, and I am not freaking that it will be at least 4 more weeks until I see Joy. For me this is evidence that I am growing and changing and becoming a healthier person.
Well blessings to all of you and I hope you all had a fantastic Easter!
Easter was good. This year we went to visit my mom, and my sister, as well as my cousin and her husband were over also. Good fun times. My husband is so adorable, when I woke up yesterday and came down stairs he had placed a little stuffed bunny along with some chocolate on the counter for me. I love that man. He is my mister cuddle buns!!!!;)
Tomorrow Jeral's parents are here for a night. I know he is looking forward to seeing them and I am in a much better place this time. No fertility drugs pumping through me yeah! I must say that I am celebrating for myself the fact that my anxiety levels are not through the roof, and I am not freaking that it will be at least 4 more weeks until I see Joy. For me this is evidence that I am growing and changing and becoming a healthier person.
Well blessings to all of you and I hope you all had a fantastic Easter!
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