Just for Fun

I saw this on my friends blog and thought it would be fun to actually take the time to sit down and think of some things myself.

I am: at this moment rather tired and yet feeling good after doing yoga.

I think: I need to spend more quality time with God and then my husband.

I know: that the week is going to be a little crazy.

I want: to be pregnant, more than anything I want to be pregnant.

I have: so much to be thankful for already. A beautiful home, a wonderful husband, and a life I never thought I would have.

I wish: I could wake up tomorrow morning and be nine months pregnant.

I miss: Marie and my nephew Josiah terribly. I am excited to see you at home next week Josiah, no more hospital!!!!!!!!!

I fear: sometimes that God is messing with me (I know this is not true and yet I fear it, Jesus and I are working on this right now).

I feel: spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. There is no juice left.

I hear: the sounds of my husband on the tractor in the barns cleaning after we shipped one barn load of birds.

I smell: the smell of my shampoo and conditioner in my hair.

I crave: Bag of Miss Vicki's Salt and Malt Vinegar chips!

I search: indefinitely for the answer to why? I doubt I will ever find out though.

I wonder: if I'll ever get to a place of being totally okay, and able to love myself exactly as I am in this moment today.

I regret: that is took so long for me to finally tear down all my walls when I am with Joy (However God knew and I know he is stoked that finally they have come down).

I love: my husband more and more all the time. He truly is amazing, and a gift from God!

I ache: from doing yoga this morning. Seriously yoga is intense.

I care: about all the hurting children in the world, and i wish I could adopt them all. Man Alive I think I would need a bigger house then, however I would build it!

I always: wake up in the middle of the night from being thirsty.

I am not: going to give up and walk away from healing and becoming healthy just because it hurts some days.

I believe: there is much more to every story and journey that God is taking me one. I just cannot see it yet, and I may never fully see it.

I dance: in the kitchen with my husband

I sing: when I am driving in the car and no one else can hear me!

I cry: often these days and ya know what, that is good! Finally the tears are coming.

I don't always: think the best of myself.

I fight: with God on a continual basis because I am a little rebellious, and then in the end I concede.

I write: because writing helps me put into words what I may not otherwise be able to verbalize, and I find it easier.

I win: at cribbage most times I play against my hubby, soon though I think he will catch on and then I am hooped.

I lose: playing pool against my hubby, unless he actually lets me win.

I never: eat fish, yuck! Actually I am allergic so that is my excuse.

I confuse: my husband a lot, and not on purpose most days!;)

I listen: I have a tough time listening

I can usually be found: in my bedroom reading or at the computer.

I am scared of: never measuring up.

I need: to come to a place where I can accept myself exactly as is knowing full well that others may not have a good opinion of me and that is okay.

I am happy about: the fact that my nephew Josiah is coming home this next week after being in BC Children's Hospital for the first year and 3 months of his life. Yeah!!!!!!!

I am Blessed

To three wonderful friends. My life is blessed because you are in it. I love you guys more than I could ever say. You truly are beautiful, and at times you are the arms of Jesus to me. I love a you guys!

The Farm!

Janelle this post is just for you. Here is the chicken farm we live on and run in Armstrong BC!

The view of our barns and shop. While Jeral and I were dating we planted the cedar trees along the garden which is now hayed over and grass has been planted on.

Me on the lawn tractor with a heavy roller to pack down the ground before we plant grass and then lay hay over top. I must say that I loved getting to this.

The dog pen! Nothing to special.

Entrance into the barns. For bio-security we have to have locks and signs.

The chickens! We have about 17, 500 in each barn, and each barn is 40 feet by 350 feet.

Outside of the barns leading to the back part of our 20 acres.

The big pile of chicken poop out behind the barns! I wonder if there are any beauty secrets involved in a poop bath, because then I should have enough to last a while:)

Our property goes back to the tree line, what you are seeing is actually our property and our bro and sis in laws back property. We rent the land out to another farmer right now.

Side of the barns again, with what we call chicken dust being blown out by the fans. The smell is yuck!!!!

The view of our house from the front of our property. In totally we have about 2 acres worth of lawn, grass and trees. We also have plumb trees, pear trees, apple trees, and apricot trees on our property.

Our house again with the rock garden in front of it. The house is huge inside so we are hoping and praying that God will allow us to start our family soon. Either through adopting, or maybe just maybe God will heal my ovaries and I will be able to conceive!

There you have it. Our life on the farm!

Finding Hope

"When all of this comes to pass, My word to you is this: Do not loose hope. A plan is unfolding that you cannot see clearly. If you could see it as I do, you would still hurt, but you would not loose hope."

Help me to not loose hope DADA God!

Life Changing Dream

Okay so I know that we all have dreams and for some of us our dreams affect us more so than other. I am used to waking up terrified from most of my dreams, because mostly I have nightmares. Well three nights ago was the same as usual. And as usual the nightmare involved my dad.

Normally in nightmares involving my dad, I am running for my life, or I am helpless as he hurts the people I love, or I am getting hurt by him. In this nightmare though, I stood up to him, and then he died.

My dad actually did die Dec 27, 2006, however up until he has always been very much alive in my dream world. So for him to die a year and a half later in my dreams is very significant, and I feel very healing. I finally have grown up, and I no longer need to run in fear. I can turn and face him and know that there is no longer any mark of shame, or guilt left on me. Actually there never ever were any marks there. I just thought there was. Seriously for me this feels very life altering and changing. I don't think that I could describe it clearly enough, and enthusiastically enough. I feel as though this dream was and is a huge turning point in my healing journey.

Well enough for now. I am going to go relax with my hubby for a bit.

I'm a Farm Wife

So Jeral and I have spent the last few days working on the back yard. We have decided to grass over the garden area. I am not a big gardener. I would like two small raised bed and then I might plant a bit of a garden.

Anyways the last few day I have been out there with the rotter tiller, and rake working away. We have had a few days of glorious sun, and it looks as though today is going to be another one. We need to rent a roller to pack down the ground, and then we need to lightly rake the ground again and then we can plant the grass and cover it with hay (to keep the grass seed from blowing away). I must say that I definitely feel as though I am a farmer while I am doing this stuff, and it has been good for me to be out there beside my husband doing this stuff.

My husband got this bright idea to use some of the dirt he dug up last year to fill in and level off the area we want to grass, and at first I though it was an excellent idea. However once we dumped the dirt and I started to try to rake it out I realized the dirt was in fact clay. That makes things a little tougher. The ground on our property is clay. Oiy lets add to the work, oh well, it means we get to spend more time together outdoors then.

Well that is it for our adventures. I'll take some pic over the next few days and add them in a later post.

Sports

So Jeral and I decided to take up rec volleyball together. It is definitely not competitive volleyball, and that is good for now, because my body oh my goodness. Let me just say that I am not 19 anymore. My body is not used to me throwing it down on the grounds and sprawling while I flailing to get the ball. My body is rather sore now. However playing volleyball with my husband is something very fun to do and I enjoy it very much.

Looking at me now you wouldn't think that back in my younger days I was athletic playing volleyball, basketball, softball (fast pitch, and slow pitch), track and field, and eventually soccer joined the list also. However I did love playing all those sports at one time. And I was thinking back to when I was younger the other night. I remember thinking that if I ever got married I would want my husband to play sports with me. So now we are, and oddly enough it was Jeral who pretty much had to drag me out there. I am grateful that he gave me the extra push I needed. I truly have an amazing husband.

I got a phone call the other night saying that the community soccer 15-18 div 1 teams were short soccer coaches and needed a coach. Well I have never coached soccer, however the idea of involved with youth in the community in a non-church way excited me and I could feel the passion building with in me. I am for now really done with being involved through church activities. So I am co-coaching the team with another lady whom I have never meet. I will meet her for the first time today at soccer practice. We both have previous commitments on Wednesday nights thus we are co-coaching so we can fill in for each other when needed. The Wednesday night games conflict with my counselling on Wednesdays down in Abbotsford, and for me first and foremost is my health and healing. If it meant not coaching this year then I would put my name on the list for next year, and be totally okay with it. However I feel really blessed that this opportunity has come up and that I get to co-coach with someone else.

Side note not to do with sports. I had to go see my doctor the other day, due to some medical issues, and well I was told that for at least two months I needed to go back on to birth control. I so don't like the idea of that, since it is so counter productive to what we are trying to accomplish with getting me to ovulate. Tricking my body into thinking it was pregnant really was not sitting so well with me. I did start to take it and then after three days of me taking the pill and not feeling right about it, I spent and evening with Jesus just listening and asking for His guidance. After that I decided not to take the pill and give whatever was happening in my body another month to happen. That seems to be what I was hearing from Jesus so, we'll see. I just don't want to take the pill. Other than that , there is no news as to when my surgery is to take place. I actually called the doctor and talked to the receptionist and I was told that it could be a bit yet, or something could happen and I could get a call tomorrow. So here goes the waiting game.

Blessing to you all!

A Prayer

It's late and I really should go to bed, because I have an early day babysitting tomorrow (well I guess today actually) however I am having trouble sleeping.

The more I read, the more I listen to the wise counsel of my counsellor, and the more I spend time alone with Jesus the more I realize that asking God to magically fix things is not what He wants for me to be asking Him. In my mind it is so simple. Jesus just fix my reproductive organs, make my ovaries work, and life will be fine. Right? I try to reason everything out and yet when I stay stuck in my head reasoning things, and coming up with what I think the answers must be I just end up trying to leap over the brick wall of thinking/intellect, to which I truly can never leap high enough to get over.

My sister in law and I went walking the other day, and then she sent me a lovely email, telling me that in the darkness and pain I am feeling God is creating and changing me into someone very beautiful. I honestly do not feel very beautiful most days, and I cannot see the beauty of the fertility situation right now, however I know right now my eyes are covered and one day hopefully I will see the beauty.

So for now, and if it is only for today then that is one more day than I ever thought I would be able to say this, my prayer is that Jesus will be with me, hold me, and comfort me, as I face the hurt and lose of my deepest desires, instead of making it all better. And give me the strength, and humility to say this pray tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after, and every day to follow. Because being with you every day DADA God is better than the six children (or a thousand children) I want.