Lost Keys

So rather funny and yet not. My grandma decided that she really wanted someone to come back and spend time with her, so she "misplaced" her keys (she hid them so well she couldn't even remember where she put them). She was telling the whole family that I must have taken them home with me. I was prepared to drive back there today just to fine them and find them, however my aunt went to the home and found them hidden behind the corn flakes in a cupboards. So rather entertaining.

After they found the keys she called me to tell me that she had found them where I had placed them. Oh my goodness, was all I could think, and to be honest even though my grandma is older and at times we need to excuse old people and the things they say. That little comment from her brought back so rather bad memories of when she took care of my sister and I for a bit. Those 5 months were the hardest five months of my teen aged years. I went from not having a curfew to a curfew of 8pm. I was a reminder of my father to her whom she hates so I was always wrong, and oh my goodness the things (lies) she told the rest of the family about me. All those memories came flooding back. And I know at this stage grandma's life bringing it up with her is not worth it. I need to let it go, and breathe through it when my anxieties when they go sky high with her. This is all stuff that i am working towards in counselling.

Enough venting for one night. It is late and time to go to bed.

Moving Grandma

Today was we went to Kelowna to help move my grandma into a care home. It was hard day on all involved. My uncles and aunts were great and it was nice to see most of them together to help grandma pack up and move.



My grandmother is 87 and has been blind for the last 18 years, so as age set in and arthritis crippled her it was time that she move from her condo to a care home. She has a really nice sweet. And now she will be taken care, and God went before us to clear the path. She got into the best care home in Kelowna, and financially she will be okay if her condo does not sell because her pension covers the cost of being their. Seeing grandma, and my mom cry was difficult. My mom said for her the hard part was realizing that one day it would be her that we moved into a care home. I cracked a joke that if grandma lived long enough we could move mom into the same care home. That joke did not go over so well. Such is life. I thought it was funny.



For me I was reminded today that age is inevitable. I may not like it and yet I am aging. No way around it. I am aging. Watching both sets of grandparents age is difficult. The women who once walked tall and proud are now weak and frail. They need us to care for them, and to help them. Anyways if you think of my grandma pray for her. This change is hard. I cannot imagine how tough tonight for her has been. The first night in her new home.



Well I have ramble on now for a while so I shall go. Have a good night everyone!

Happy Mothers Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there! You are truly blessed whether or not you know you are truly blessed to get to be a mother.

Mother's day can bring a mix of emotions for all sorts of reason. For some celebrating this day is great, you have a great relationship with your mother, and that is awesome, so I say celebrate away. For others it is hard because they may have lost their mother, give your self permission to grieve on this day. Grieving is necessary. For others, today brings pain because they may have lost their child, or their child may not be walking with Jesus (for those of use who do love Jesus it is hard to see you son or daughter walk away from him), and you to may need to give yourself permission to grieve. And for others of us, today is hard because we have an unfulfilled longing to be a mother, and for some reason or other God has said no, or wait.

For me today is a mix of both. I celebrate my mom (actually we are seeing her tomorrow). She gave birth to me, and though we may not always see eye to eye and our relationship has had it's rocky patches. I choose to celebrate her, she is my mother. I also choose to celebrate all those who have in some way mothered over the years. Honestly when we live in community with others who love and serve Jesus we get the blessings of having other godly women walk with us, and sometimes mother us when our mothers are not around. And today I also celebrate the mother side of God. I know that last sentence may cause so frowns and concern and yet if we read scriptures carefully we will find that there are some times when God is referred in terms of a mother Bear protecting her cubs, or a mother hen looking after her chick. I have found that often it is God mothering me through the tenderness of other older women in my life. So I celebrate that today as well.

And I also grieve the fact that I long to be a mother, and for some reason God is saying wait. I honestly thought today I would be able to avoid the hurt since we were busy with a wedding and other things, and yet the ache to be a mother was and is still there. Today I got to hold my friends baby though the wedding ceremony of the camp cook, and I actually spent more time looking at my new nephew Gabriel than I did at the bride and groom. If it were not for the people around us I would have been crying, and that would have been okay. He honestly is perfect in every way. And my heart longs and yearns for the day that I get to hold my babe in my arms. I don't think I will ever let him/her go.

So today is a mixed day, and that is just fine. Today is a day of tremendous blessings and a day of sorrow, and both are good.

That is my tangent for now. Happy Mothers Day to everyone!

A Little Weird

So today was a little weird, a good weird I guess. I was out on the ride on lawn mower cutting our 2 acres of grass, and singing at the top of my lungs, when I saw I someone walking over from my sister-in-laws house to my house. It was my counsellor, whom I travel to Abbotsford to see. Talk about a little strange. I don't think any one who goes into counselling thinks that their counsellor will show up at their house one day and want a tour of the house.

I was in my farm working grubs, hair tied back, my jeans had holes and basically I looked like a farm wife. Normally when I see Joy my make up is on, my hair is nicely curled, you know I am putting my best foot forward. Then she wanted to see my house, and my house isn't dirty or messy, it just was not the way I would have wanted it for Joy to come into it. And yet I think that it was good, basically Joy saw me as I am, not putting my best foot forward.

It was a little strange sitting and visiting with her later in the afternoon and just chatting with Joy and Jodi, and yet it was nice. Yeah all in all strange and yet really good. I am actually looking forward to my sessions this coming week, and with that being said I need to go do some homework that I need to do before then.

Just for Fun

I saw this on my friends blog and thought it would be fun to actually take the time to sit down and think of some things myself.

I am: at this moment rather tired and yet feeling good after doing yoga.

I think: I need to spend more quality time with God and then my husband.

I know: that the week is going to be a little crazy.

I want: to be pregnant, more than anything I want to be pregnant.

I have: so much to be thankful for already. A beautiful home, a wonderful husband, and a life I never thought I would have.

I wish: I could wake up tomorrow morning and be nine months pregnant.

I miss: Marie and my nephew Josiah terribly. I am excited to see you at home next week Josiah, no more hospital!!!!!!!!!

I fear: sometimes that God is messing with me (I know this is not true and yet I fear it, Jesus and I are working on this right now).

I feel: spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. There is no juice left.

I hear: the sounds of my husband on the tractor in the barns cleaning after we shipped one barn load of birds.

I smell: the smell of my shampoo and conditioner in my hair.

I crave: Bag of Miss Vicki's Salt and Malt Vinegar chips!

I search: indefinitely for the answer to why? I doubt I will ever find out though.

I wonder: if I'll ever get to a place of being totally okay, and able to love myself exactly as I am in this moment today.

I regret: that is took so long for me to finally tear down all my walls when I am with Joy (However God knew and I know he is stoked that finally they have come down).

I love: my husband more and more all the time. He truly is amazing, and a gift from God!

I ache: from doing yoga this morning. Seriously yoga is intense.

I care: about all the hurting children in the world, and i wish I could adopt them all. Man Alive I think I would need a bigger house then, however I would build it!

I always: wake up in the middle of the night from being thirsty.

I am not: going to give up and walk away from healing and becoming healthy just because it hurts some days.

I believe: there is much more to every story and journey that God is taking me one. I just cannot see it yet, and I may never fully see it.

I dance: in the kitchen with my husband

I sing: when I am driving in the car and no one else can hear me!

I cry: often these days and ya know what, that is good! Finally the tears are coming.

I don't always: think the best of myself.

I fight: with God on a continual basis because I am a little rebellious, and then in the end I concede.

I write: because writing helps me put into words what I may not otherwise be able to verbalize, and I find it easier.

I win: at cribbage most times I play against my hubby, soon though I think he will catch on and then I am hooped.

I lose: playing pool against my hubby, unless he actually lets me win.

I never: eat fish, yuck! Actually I am allergic so that is my excuse.

I confuse: my husband a lot, and not on purpose most days!;)

I listen: I have a tough time listening

I can usually be found: in my bedroom reading or at the computer.

I am scared of: never measuring up.

I need: to come to a place where I can accept myself exactly as is knowing full well that others may not have a good opinion of me and that is okay.

I am happy about: the fact that my nephew Josiah is coming home this next week after being in BC Children's Hospital for the first year and 3 months of his life. Yeah!!!!!!!

I am Blessed

To three wonderful friends. My life is blessed because you are in it. I love you guys more than I could ever say. You truly are beautiful, and at times you are the arms of Jesus to me. I love a you guys!

The Farm!

Janelle this post is just for you. Here is the chicken farm we live on and run in Armstrong BC!

The view of our barns and shop. While Jeral and I were dating we planted the cedar trees along the garden which is now hayed over and grass has been planted on.

Me on the lawn tractor with a heavy roller to pack down the ground before we plant grass and then lay hay over top. I must say that I loved getting to this.

The dog pen! Nothing to special.

Entrance into the barns. For bio-security we have to have locks and signs.

The chickens! We have about 17, 500 in each barn, and each barn is 40 feet by 350 feet.

Outside of the barns leading to the back part of our 20 acres.

The big pile of chicken poop out behind the barns! I wonder if there are any beauty secrets involved in a poop bath, because then I should have enough to last a while:)

Our property goes back to the tree line, what you are seeing is actually our property and our bro and sis in laws back property. We rent the land out to another farmer right now.

Side of the barns again, with what we call chicken dust being blown out by the fans. The smell is yuck!!!!

The view of our house from the front of our property. In totally we have about 2 acres worth of lawn, grass and trees. We also have plumb trees, pear trees, apple trees, and apricot trees on our property.

Our house again with the rock garden in front of it. The house is huge inside so we are hoping and praying that God will allow us to start our family soon. Either through adopting, or maybe just maybe God will heal my ovaries and I will be able to conceive!

There you have it. Our life on the farm!

Finding Hope

"When all of this comes to pass, My word to you is this: Do not loose hope. A plan is unfolding that you cannot see clearly. If you could see it as I do, you would still hurt, but you would not loose hope."

Help me to not loose hope DADA God!