So I am still waiting. Still waiting for the fax to find out what was done a week ago during surgery. I called my specialist office again today and asked if they had the report yet, and I was told very politely that no they had not received the report and that she has it noted to fax me the report right away once they have it.
On a more exciting note. Today my venture out of the house was going with my husband to the Brick to pick out a new deep freezer. We picked out a lovely black fridgidarie. Well we ordered one and Jeral will pick it up on Thursday. I am very excited about this because we have not had a deep freezer for over 2 years. The one we had went caput just before we got married. Now I will have room for freezer jam, and I will have room to organize all the frozen goods the way I want. I am so excited for it to arrive on Thursday.
After we got home I ventured out on my on for a bit and drove for the first time in a week. I have just been so tired lately that I have not had the energy to drive. So that was fun. I guess I should go make supper for my husband and I tonight. After a week of my husband cooking I think it is time for me to get back at it.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Something is Growing
I thought I would wait until I knew for sure what was all done during my surgery however I have thoughts swirling around in my head right now, so I am going to write now.
Something is being birthed in me. Something is being grown in me. My sister-in-law aptly said today this is the longest pregnancy ever. She meant in terms that something has been growing and is being birthed in me over the past 2 years.
The surgery is a part of this process. I may never have biological children and yet something is growing and changing me in the very core of who I am. To be a peace an trust that no matter what happened in the surgery Jesus loves me and only has me best in store is huge. I can tell you know that 2 years ago I would not have felt that way. Not even 6 months ago would have felt that way. Sometimes I want what I want when I want it. And sometimes I jump and grab at something before it is time. Sort of like a baby coming prematurely. Babies need the time in our wombs to grow and become strong enough to live and thrive in this world.
A few months ago I said to my counsellor I know that Jesus' best way of loving Jeral and I was not to give us a baby right away when we wanted him/her. I had still had so much from the past to face and heal from. And Jeral also had/has things to work on too. For some reason God wanted us to work on this stuff before we added to our family. Knowing this does not take away all the pain of not being able to get pregnant. However it does help me to see the hope beyond the pain. It also helps me to realize that while I may not have a baby growing inside of me right now, something else is being grown, nurtured and birthed.
Will I still have day where the yearning to add to our family overwhelms the beauty and hope o what I am able to see right now? Yes there will be days like that I am human after all. And this is all part of the journey. And an amazing journey it has been.
This surgery was just one more step in the journey. I was at peace if they had to remove everything because then there was some finality. We knew that biological children would then be out of the picture, and adoption was the way to go. And I am at peace right now not know what all was done. I can rest and trust that for the time being I do not need to know. I will find out soon enough. And I can rest in knowing that for now Jesus is calling us (Jeral and I) to trust and not open a door that for the time being Jesus has asked to leave closed. Even though Jesus would not stop us from doing that if that is what we chose to do.
Something is being birthed in me. Something is being grown in me. My sister-in-law aptly said today this is the longest pregnancy ever. She meant in terms that something has been growing and is being birthed in me over the past 2 years.
The surgery is a part of this process. I may never have biological children and yet something is growing and changing me in the very core of who I am. To be a peace an trust that no matter what happened in the surgery Jesus loves me and only has me best in store is huge. I can tell you know that 2 years ago I would not have felt that way. Not even 6 months ago would have felt that way. Sometimes I want what I want when I want it. And sometimes I jump and grab at something before it is time. Sort of like a baby coming prematurely. Babies need the time in our wombs to grow and become strong enough to live and thrive in this world.
A few months ago I said to my counsellor I know that Jesus' best way of loving Jeral and I was not to give us a baby right away when we wanted him/her. I had still had so much from the past to face and heal from. And Jeral also had/has things to work on too. For some reason God wanted us to work on this stuff before we added to our family. Knowing this does not take away all the pain of not being able to get pregnant. However it does help me to see the hope beyond the pain. It also helps me to realize that while I may not have a baby growing inside of me right now, something else is being grown, nurtured and birthed.
Will I still have day where the yearning to add to our family overwhelms the beauty and hope o what I am able to see right now? Yes there will be days like that I am human after all. And this is all part of the journey. And an amazing journey it has been.
This surgery was just one more step in the journey. I was at peace if they had to remove everything because then there was some finality. We knew that biological children would then be out of the picture, and adoption was the way to go. And I am at peace right now not know what all was done. I can rest and trust that for the time being I do not need to know. I will find out soon enough. And I can rest in knowing that for now Jesus is calling us (Jeral and I) to trust and not open a door that for the time being Jesus has asked to leave closed. Even though Jesus would not stop us from doing that if that is what we chose to do.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Post Surgery
So I thought I would give a short update on how I am doing after my big day on Monday.
I still do not know what they all did because I was so out of it when I came to that I actually do not remember much. I do know that they kept me and extra 4 hours because I was passing out every time I tried to sit up, I also was de-sating ( not getting enough oxygen), so I was on oxygen the entire time. My blood pressure also kept bottoming out, and I was up chucking violently.
I had a pretty bad reaction to whatever the drug was that they used to knock me out, thus the puking. Once I got home around 7:30pm Jeral had to go check on the farm so my sister in law and a friend came over to take care of me. Apparently I was rather cute in my stoned and high state. I was a little mortified that I needed their help to go to the washroom and so on. Basically any time I moved I vomited. Not a pretty sight. However I was blessed to have my friends with me. Their presence was very healing. More on that later once I have formulated more thoughts.
We did drive to Abbotsford yesterday so I could see my counsellor today. That ended up being what I needed to get the message that I need to rest. I am pretty buggered up right now and very tired. Joy said that she did not think I would listen to her if she tried to tell me not to come, and she was right I would not have. So I am learning the hard way. I did promise that I would take the next few days to rest and let my body. I definitely did not expect to be this tired.
I am calling my doctor tomorrow to find out what was all done, so hopefully we will have some answer in the next few days.
As for now I am going to go to sleep. Thanks guys for all your prayers and support. Here is hoping that this worked and in the next few months I'll be pregnant.
I still do not know what they all did because I was so out of it when I came to that I actually do not remember much. I do know that they kept me and extra 4 hours because I was passing out every time I tried to sit up, I also was de-sating ( not getting enough oxygen), so I was on oxygen the entire time. My blood pressure also kept bottoming out, and I was up chucking violently.
I had a pretty bad reaction to whatever the drug was that they used to knock me out, thus the puking. Once I got home around 7:30pm Jeral had to go check on the farm so my sister in law and a friend came over to take care of me. Apparently I was rather cute in my stoned and high state. I was a little mortified that I needed their help to go to the washroom and so on. Basically any time I moved I vomited. Not a pretty sight. However I was blessed to have my friends with me. Their presence was very healing. More on that later once I have formulated more thoughts.
We did drive to Abbotsford yesterday so I could see my counsellor today. That ended up being what I needed to get the message that I need to rest. I am pretty buggered up right now and very tired. Joy said that she did not think I would listen to her if she tried to tell me not to come, and she was right I would not have. So I am learning the hard way. I did promise that I would take the next few days to rest and let my body. I definitely did not expect to be this tired.
I am calling my doctor tomorrow to find out what was all done, so hopefully we will have some answer in the next few days.
As for now I am going to go to sleep. Thanks guys for all your prayers and support. Here is hoping that this worked and in the next few months I'll be pregnant.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Peace instead of Anxiousness
So on Monday September 8th, 2008 I am having surgery. It is day surgery, they are going in and Drilling my Ovaries. Now I am sure this sounds worse than it really is. The surgeon is going to make two incisions and then insert a scope, which will contain a laser that will be used to drill into different areas of my ovaries. Nothing to big. I was told the worst part will probably be the air the gets pumped into my stomach.
However I was also told that if something gets punctured that should not be punctured then they will have to open me up and fix the puncture, and if they see something wrong with my ovaries they may have to go in and remove one or both. I was at first rather anxious about this. However as I have spent time with Jesus, and envisioned my surgery. I have envisioned healing from both minor and major surgery (including my ovaries being removed), and I have come to a place of peace over everything.
I have come to a place of knowing that no matter the outcome Jesus knows what is best and he is not going to mess this up, or mess with me. If all goes as planned then great, and if we get pregnant awesome. If they have to go in and repair a puncture then I guess Jesus wants me to rest a little more and learn to sit still, because I will have to still and rest for a while. If by some chance both ovaries are over taken by cysts and they have to be removed then I will grieve the loss and trust that Jesus only has what is best for me in mind.
So with a peace like that the surgery can only be a success!!!!!!!
However I was also told that if something gets punctured that should not be punctured then they will have to open me up and fix the puncture, and if they see something wrong with my ovaries they may have to go in and remove one or both. I was at first rather anxious about this. However as I have spent time with Jesus, and envisioned my surgery. I have envisioned healing from both minor and major surgery (including my ovaries being removed), and I have come to a place of peace over everything.
I have come to a place of knowing that no matter the outcome Jesus knows what is best and he is not going to mess this up, or mess with me. If all goes as planned then great, and if we get pregnant awesome. If they have to go in and repair a puncture then I guess Jesus wants me to rest a little more and learn to sit still, because I will have to still and rest for a while. If by some chance both ovaries are over taken by cysts and they have to be removed then I will grieve the loss and trust that Jesus only has what is best for me in mind.
So with a peace like that the surgery can only be a success!!!!!!!
Monday, September 1, 2008
Camping In Osoyoos
Sorry we did not take pictures so this is a no picture post. For some reason we do not take tons of pictures all the time. Maybe though it was because of the wind and the fact that is was so cold. Oh well such is life and the way things go.
So we went camping this weekend. Well my kind of camping, with a beach near by and showers and flushing toilets. When we got there I said to Jeral are you glad we came camping, and he piped up and said this is not camping. In his mind we need to be out in the bush with no showers or flushing toilets. However we could be in a motor coach with nothing hooked up and that would be camping. I don't get him some days.
Both Saturday and Sunday Jeral and I went on a 12 km walk into town and back. It was great to get to spend time talking and connecting, and then going back and hanging out with friends. I honestly think Jeral and I talked more on this trip than the last one because we knew that alone time was going to be minimized.
Spending time with Miranda and Darrell and her family was great. I sure do miss hanging out with friends my age sometimes. And yet I am grateful and thankful for all my older and more mature friends. I truly and blessed to have so many friends, and I love you all!!!!!!!!!!
Last night we spent sometime with Grandpa, and my aunty Cindy. We had supper with them. With grandma being gone I feel that it is super important for Jeral and I to spend time with Grandpa, because I want grandpa to know that just because grandma is gone does not mean that he is no longer grandpa. Whether or not I am his biological grand daughter does not matter. He is the only grandpa I have ever know and so nothing changes. So we had a good time with them. Grandpa is hoping that I will be giving him a great grand baby soon. We'll see about that. My sister technically will be giving birth to a great grand baby before me, however I am the only one who makes any effort to visit so yeah enough said.
Now we are home, and boy oh boy am I ever having a tough time with my wireless connection, and this laptop is brand new. I just got it on Thursday. However it is an Acer and that could be the problem. I'll give it a few more days and if it does not get better by Saturday I will take the computer back and get a different Brand. Maybe a Dell? Who knows.
Well that is all for now. Have a great day and take care!
So we went camping this weekend. Well my kind of camping, with a beach near by and showers and flushing toilets. When we got there I said to Jeral are you glad we came camping, and he piped up and said this is not camping. In his mind we need to be out in the bush with no showers or flushing toilets. However we could be in a motor coach with nothing hooked up and that would be camping. I don't get him some days.
Both Saturday and Sunday Jeral and I went on a 12 km walk into town and back. It was great to get to spend time talking and connecting, and then going back and hanging out with friends. I honestly think Jeral and I talked more on this trip than the last one because we knew that alone time was going to be minimized.
Spending time with Miranda and Darrell and her family was great. I sure do miss hanging out with friends my age sometimes. And yet I am grateful and thankful for all my older and more mature friends. I truly and blessed to have so many friends, and I love you all!!!!!!!!!!
Last night we spent sometime with Grandpa, and my aunty Cindy. We had supper with them. With grandma being gone I feel that it is super important for Jeral and I to spend time with Grandpa, because I want grandpa to know that just because grandma is gone does not mean that he is no longer grandpa. Whether or not I am his biological grand daughter does not matter. He is the only grandpa I have ever know and so nothing changes. So we had a good time with them. Grandpa is hoping that I will be giving him a great grand baby soon. We'll see about that. My sister technically will be giving birth to a great grand baby before me, however I am the only one who makes any effort to visit so yeah enough said.
Now we are home, and boy oh boy am I ever having a tough time with my wireless connection, and this laptop is brand new. I just got it on Thursday. However it is an Acer and that could be the problem. I'll give it a few more days and if it does not get better by Saturday I will take the computer back and get a different Brand. Maybe a Dell? Who knows.
Well that is all for now. Have a great day and take care!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Saying Goodbye
Grief is a strange thing, and it comes in cycles. However today a new cycle of grief begins.
I was supposed to be driving to Oliver right now to see my grandma probably for the last time. My aunt called last night to tell me that she had about a week to live. I remember calling my mom last night to tell her and I said that it would be more merciful for God to take her now. I never thought though that I would not get to see her.
This morning my aunt called to tell me that grandma had passed away just 30 minutes before she called me.
So this is saying goodbye for me, if she were still alive I would say theses words to her.
Grandma I am sorry that we missed out on a relationship for all those years I was to afraid to come and visit because of dad.
I want you to know that I love you. Always have and always will.
I am going to miss you.
Do you remember how people used to say that I looked just like with my red hair. I would promptly tell them that yours was a dye job and mine was the real thing. Secretly though I liked being told I was like you, because I thought you were so beautiful, and strong, and I wanted to be like that too.
I used to think that you would live forever like all little girls do. Now the end has come and gone. I was supposed to be saying goodbye to you today, instead though you are gone. You slipped away quietly all by yourself. My heart aches because I will never get to see you again, at least not here on earth.
I love you Grandma, and goodbye.
I was supposed to be driving to Oliver right now to see my grandma probably for the last time. My aunt called last night to tell me that she had about a week to live. I remember calling my mom last night to tell her and I said that it would be more merciful for God to take her now. I never thought though that I would not get to see her.
This morning my aunt called to tell me that grandma had passed away just 30 minutes before she called me.
So this is saying goodbye for me, if she were still alive I would say theses words to her.
Grandma I am sorry that we missed out on a relationship for all those years I was to afraid to come and visit because of dad.
I want you to know that I love you. Always have and always will.
I am going to miss you.
Do you remember how people used to say that I looked just like with my red hair. I would promptly tell them that yours was a dye job and mine was the real thing. Secretly though I liked being told I was like you, because I thought you were so beautiful, and strong, and I wanted to be like that too.
I used to think that you would live forever like all little girls do. Now the end has come and gone. I was supposed to be saying goodbye to you today, instead though you are gone. You slipped away quietly all by yourself. My heart aches because I will never get to see you again, at least not here on earth.
I love you Grandma, and goodbye.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
In A Funk
So I have not been posting too much lately. I actually have been isolating a lot. If it were not for the fact that I have been going to the gym I would blame this last down time on the fertility drugs however I know that is not the case.
This is just another time to come to a place of hurting over not being able to get pregnant. For Jeral's birthday I was really hoping that the last round of fertility drugs would have worked. However that is not what happened. I know that we both just want to start our family, and we are having a tough time understanding why the time is not yet.
I know that when I look back on the last 18 months so much growth has happened. My time with Jesus and Joy in counselling has been huge. And I know that getting pregnant right away would have changed all that has happened. I would not trade the growth and healing that has taken place, even though the pain of not being able to get pregnant in great.
I also would not have changed or given up the time that I have had with Jeral. We have had time to work on our marriage and to make it stronger and better. Yes we have our bad days and our times of struggle and yet I know that our marriage is on much better and stabler ground because of this time together.
And still there is an ache in my heart. I am hurting there is no way around it. Some days are better than others. I am at the point where I have decided not to go to church for the past few Sundays because I find it too hard to go there and see a woman who in now pregnant, with a little miracle (no child is an oppsy even if the child was not planned). It just hurts to much to see other women who may not necessarily want to be pregnant, be pregnant if you know what I mean. I keep asking why is it that they get blessed with the one thing that we want so badly and yet that blessing is with held from us? I know that this is our story, and they have their stories. Knowing that still does not make it any easier.
Some days I wonder if God would just bless us with one child would we (I) be content, and would the pain go away? Or would I just want more? If the day ever comes that I do become pregnant I know that I will cherish my child, and never take them for granted because I did not have to pray and cry for so long.
I am just rambling. Honestly I am just not in a great place right now. I thought finding out that my Ovary Drilling was finally scheduled and taking place on September 8th would help me come to a better place. However not yet. I guess I cannot rely on tings to help me feel better. Oh well I think this rambling has gone on long enough.
This is just another time to come to a place of hurting over not being able to get pregnant. For Jeral's birthday I was really hoping that the last round of fertility drugs would have worked. However that is not what happened. I know that we both just want to start our family, and we are having a tough time understanding why the time is not yet.
I know that when I look back on the last 18 months so much growth has happened. My time with Jesus and Joy in counselling has been huge. And I know that getting pregnant right away would have changed all that has happened. I would not trade the growth and healing that has taken place, even though the pain of not being able to get pregnant in great.
I also would not have changed or given up the time that I have had with Jeral. We have had time to work on our marriage and to make it stronger and better. Yes we have our bad days and our times of struggle and yet I know that our marriage is on much better and stabler ground because of this time together.
And still there is an ache in my heart. I am hurting there is no way around it. Some days are better than others. I am at the point where I have decided not to go to church for the past few Sundays because I find it too hard to go there and see a woman who in now pregnant, with a little miracle (no child is an oppsy even if the child was not planned). It just hurts to much to see other women who may not necessarily want to be pregnant, be pregnant if you know what I mean. I keep asking why is it that they get blessed with the one thing that we want so badly and yet that blessing is with held from us? I know that this is our story, and they have their stories. Knowing that still does not make it any easier.
Some days I wonder if God would just bless us with one child would we (I) be content, and would the pain go away? Or would I just want more? If the day ever comes that I do become pregnant I know that I will cherish my child, and never take them for granted because I did not have to pray and cry for so long.
I am just rambling. Honestly I am just not in a great place right now. I thought finding out that my Ovary Drilling was finally scheduled and taking place on September 8th would help me come to a better place. However not yet. I guess I cannot rely on tings to help me feel better. Oh well I think this rambling has gone on long enough.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Trying to Build Up Tolerance
So I am trying to build up my tolerance to raw vegetable. I happen to be allergic to raw vegetables. Not something that I would have minded as a child. However now as an adult I most definitely have some problems with this.
I am working hard on loosing weight, and so far I have succeeded. I also know though that the way I eat will cause me to plateau long before I want too, and my inability to eat raw veggies, is getting in the way. It really is a pain in the butt to always have to steam my veggies, and as such if I am lazy and don't want to be bothered with steaming them, then I grab for what ever else is on hand and easy.
Well today is day number one in my experiment to build up my tolerance to raw veggies again. I know that carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower are the worst, so for now I am staying away from those. I am starting off with cucumber and celery. If after a two weeks I can tolerate those well then I will attempt to add raw broccoli into the mix.
I can feel my throat doing something funny. However it is really the chest pains that get to me so if I can avoid those then I think this is a go.
Hopefully this will also help us with the hole pregnancy stuff. I need to eat healthy if I ever get pregnant and a part of that is veggies. I don't know when, or if I will ever get pregnant. I just want to be as healthy as I can be at that moment. I am right now that healthiest I have been in a few years. I still have more to do, however I know that I have already made the choices I need to continue down the road toward health.
Yesterday really prompted this for me. I was having a rough day, and I ate all the crap I could find in our house. I even went out and bought coke to drink. I found out that a lady in our Church is pregnant. Just a few days after I tell my counsellor I finally am getting it that Jesus not letting us get pregnant right away was the best way He could have loved me because I was so not ready to be a mom back then, I still had a lot of healing to do, and I still have more to go, I find out someone else is pregnant. I feel as though this is a test to see if I really meant what I said. The thing is I know it cannot be a test because I know that Jesus knows I meant what I said, when I said it. It feels like every time I come to a place of peace, someone else gets pregnant. I am not expecting that by coming to a place of peace that I will get pregnant, I just wish I did not feel that it is so up in my face.
I try so blasted hard to follow this diet and to exercise all in the hopes of #1- getting pregnant, and #2 - being healthy. I guess I still have the priorities wrong, and I should reverse those two. However that is still where I am at. I am really doing this in the hopes of getting pregnant. Yes even if I do not get pregnant I have every desire and intention to continue to eat right and workout. And yet I want children.
I know that I have given this all over to Jesus, and I know that his plans are best even when they hurt like hell for me. I know I can trust him, and that He is here with me. And I know his love enables me to face the pain, when all I want to do is run.
Okay so those are my ramblings for today. Take care everyone!
Love Leanne
I am working hard on loosing weight, and so far I have succeeded. I also know though that the way I eat will cause me to plateau long before I want too, and my inability to eat raw veggies, is getting in the way. It really is a pain in the butt to always have to steam my veggies, and as such if I am lazy and don't want to be bothered with steaming them, then I grab for what ever else is on hand and easy.
Well today is day number one in my experiment to build up my tolerance to raw veggies again. I know that carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower are the worst, so for now I am staying away from those. I am starting off with cucumber and celery. If after a two weeks I can tolerate those well then I will attempt to add raw broccoli into the mix.
I can feel my throat doing something funny. However it is really the chest pains that get to me so if I can avoid those then I think this is a go.
Hopefully this will also help us with the hole pregnancy stuff. I need to eat healthy if I ever get pregnant and a part of that is veggies. I don't know when, or if I will ever get pregnant. I just want to be as healthy as I can be at that moment. I am right now that healthiest I have been in a few years. I still have more to do, however I know that I have already made the choices I need to continue down the road toward health.
Yesterday really prompted this for me. I was having a rough day, and I ate all the crap I could find in our house. I even went out and bought coke to drink. I found out that a lady in our Church is pregnant. Just a few days after I tell my counsellor I finally am getting it that Jesus not letting us get pregnant right away was the best way He could have loved me because I was so not ready to be a mom back then, I still had a lot of healing to do, and I still have more to go, I find out someone else is pregnant. I feel as though this is a test to see if I really meant what I said. The thing is I know it cannot be a test because I know that Jesus knows I meant what I said, when I said it. It feels like every time I come to a place of peace, someone else gets pregnant. I am not expecting that by coming to a place of peace that I will get pregnant, I just wish I did not feel that it is so up in my face.
I try so blasted hard to follow this diet and to exercise all in the hopes of #1- getting pregnant, and #2 - being healthy. I guess I still have the priorities wrong, and I should reverse those two. However that is still where I am at. I am really doing this in the hopes of getting pregnant. Yes even if I do not get pregnant I have every desire and intention to continue to eat right and workout. And yet I want children.
I know that I have given this all over to Jesus, and I know that his plans are best even when they hurt like hell for me. I know I can trust him, and that He is here with me. And I know his love enables me to face the pain, when all I want to do is run.
Okay so those are my ramblings for today. Take care everyone!
Love Leanne
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