Not Questioning Love

So I recently had a conversation with God, like as in today about love. I am realizing that I am just beginning to understand just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to God's love. In an attempt to keep this short I will dive right into the main idea behind the talk with Jesus. It really for me boiled down to how often do I question Gods' love for me? I do it rather often, especially if things are difficult and messy in life. The best thing about today was that I realized no matter how often I question Jesus' love for me, He never ever begins to question Himself as to whether or not He loves me. Just as Jesus IS, so is His love for me. It just IS. There is no getting around it. If Jesus jumped ever time I questioned His love for me He would have jumped alot, just to prove to me that He does love me. I am beginning to realize that sometimes the loving thing Jesus does is not to jump and fix everything. Instead He is with me in the mess as I work through it.

I know that this translates to my family life and how I love others too. Recently I was at my sister's wedding, and I know there were many times that my love for my sister and mother was questioned by them. So every time they said jump I would jump and when they questioned whether or not I love them I would fell I needed to do something to prove I loved them. Needless to say I failed in their eyes, and well I also know they failed in my eyes too. I have to face the fact that I also question their love and just as I can never prove I love them the way they feel I should by jumping and fixing things. They also cannot prove their love to me in the way I wish they would. So I am beginning to come to a place, of deciding when my love for others is questioned by them, instead of doubting myself and the love I have for them when they question it, I will rest and trust in the love I have, and not question it or try to prove it by jumping! I am not sure if this will make sense to anyone reading this, and yet for me today was a very profound and won wonderful day.

I'll be honest this journey of health, healing, and wholeness is a lot of work that is for sure, and well worth the effort, and tears!

Have a gooder!

Leanne

To Have Expectations or to Not!

My husband and I went away for a week recently and during that week I read a wonderful and I feel life changing book. I will leave the name of the book out of the blog simply because it has not yet been sent to book stores. I was definately challenge by the words on every page and I was also captivated by the book. So much so that I could hardly put it down.

So now fast forward to a conversation with a dear friend. We went on a walk just to talk since we both have busy lives and hardly see each other. During out walkwe talked about the book abit. In particular we talked about expectations. Lets face it we all have had expectations or tried to live up to the expectations that others have had for us, or the expectations we preceived others to have for us. Lets take for example when we were all younger and in school. There is an expectation that we will learn the material we need to learn, and that we will learn enough of it to pass. In my home there was an expectation of learning enough of the material to get an A. Once I got one A it was all downhill from there. I was expected to get straight A's. That was an expectation that as really there. I have also tried to live up to the expectations I thought others had of me, only to find out later those expectations were not really there. For example, I tried to be the life of the party and the crazy, fun, yet responsilbe camp counselor I thought everyone wanted me to be. Oiy if people only really knew that I am an introvert all the way. The reality though is that I placed that expectation on me because somehow I felt i needed the approval of the people around me. Truthfully I only need God's approval and guess what I already have it. We all have is approval already. So why do we try so blinking hard to get His approval and the approval of others? We don't need it. I personally think that there are days when I am working over time to gain the approval of others that my Heavenly Dada is shaking His heading wondering when I am going to finally accept that I don't need to work so hard for His approval because I already have it and He may even wonder when I am going to quit desiring for other peoples approval.

However good that all is there is one more though on expectations I want to explore a bit. How often have I put expectations on friendships? Lots let me tell you that. How often have I been disappointed when those expectations have not been met? A whole ton of times. How different would my life be if I stop placing expectations on my friendship, and instead just lived in expectany of relationship and love. Now you may be wonder how can one live in expectancy without expectations? To be honest I am still figuring that out. I think that if I live my life not expecting people to be hear at a certain time, or to be there, or to even fill the void of God at times, I will be a much freer and happier person. If I can just "love on people" (to borrow a quote from a friend. Then we are both free to be who we are. We are all free to be in relationships as who we truly are, with out having to put up the facsade of who we are not. I still have a lot more to think about and I know this blog amy actually not be to clear since my thoughts are still in process I just know deep in my heart that this has the power to transform my life, and my relationships.

Have a gooder of a day, or night to who ever may be reading this!

Blessings, Leanne

Meeting the Family and My Twin!

Okay so I have been told a time or two that we all have a twin somewhere in the world. Well I think I have officially met mine, and guess what. She is my cousin! Okay well my cousin through marriage.

So Jeral and I went to Manitoba last week so I could meet is Grandma Krahn, and some other family members. It was a little bit whirl windish meeting many of the Krahns, and it was very fruitful as well as fun. I met uncles, aunts, cousins etc. However the best part of the trip was meeting my new cousin/twin Sheila. Honestly I thought that maybe when we met we would say okay maybe I can see how the family might think that because we both have red curly hair that we are a like, and that would be as far as it goes. Nope wrong there. We have a lot of the same mannerisms. Oiy imagine if you will sitting across from the table and realizing that you both sit and talk with your hands folded, and elbows up on the table. I won't bore you with all the details of the eventful meeting, so all I will say is that the similarities are uncanny!

Now we are home, and I am happy to be home. I honestly love BC. There truly is no place like home!

Father's Day Confessions

So I feel that I need to admit that I really have never enjoyed Father's Day ever. I know this is because of my childhood and the lack thereof of a father. I got all wrapped up in my hurt and pain from previous years, and the fact that with my biological father being dead now that there was never going to be a father's day in which I would enjoy celebrating my father. I got so wrapped up in my frustrations I forgot that I have the best DADDY in the world and that is God. I call God my Father and most often when I am praying I refer to him as Daddy, sp if I do that then why can't I celebrate my Daddy God on Father's day. The answer is that I can celebrate God as my Father, I just got so wrapped up that I was unable to see beyond the immediate hurt and frustrations I was feeling.

I still know that I have some things to do in the area of grieving my biological father and the lose that his death brought. A lose of future hope that things maybe different on day. How as I move in that direction and can let I hope future Father's Day will not be so hard. The reality God has been my Daddy for my entire life, and He loves me, so today, the day after Father's Day I want to simply say "HAPPY FATHER"S DAY GOD"! And thanks for the reminder that I can celebrate You!

Greed

I was challenged today by a discussion that happened in the grade 7 class that I am a learning aide for. We were talking about greed, and the truth of greed being the source of suffering for many people. I made a comment to the class that even those of us who donate clothes to the poor need to take a closer look at what we are doing. Are we donating old clothes because we have just bought our selves new clothes or are we giving away new stuff. I had never thought about the fact that sometimes I could go out and by new clothes just to give away. The reality I think my clothes right now are very functional and work just fine, and well yes I do like new things (new clothes included, if I can find something I feel good and comfortable in) do I need new things?

Recently I have been blessed with and amazing husband who provided so very well for me. He has given me a beautiful home, a new car, anything I feel I need or want pretty much I can have. The more I have been given the more I find at times I want and the more I compare myself to others. To our neighbours, to people who well lets just say this one person has more money than almost anyone would know what to do with. When I say that I would be happy living in a cardboard box with my husband am I really serious about that, or am I just saying it because I can say it. I grew up with very little and now all of a sudden having lots is a little overwhelming. What happened to the Leanne who was okay with not a lot? I am not say that if one has lots that they must give it all up. Not all. I think what I am trying to say is what is our motivation. Am I giving away cloths to the Salvation Army because I have just bought a bunch of new clothes for my self and don't know what to do with the old stuff, or am I giving clothes, both new and old away because I see a need and I want to do what I can to fill it. I pray my motivation will be the latter. Okay so that is my rambling for the day.

Blessings, Leanne

Radium HotSprings!

Okay so this weekend Jeral and i went to Radium Hotsprings. Yeah!!!!!! Road trip. We took the motorbike this trip, and it rained oiy! I was very tempted to have a bad attitude when the rain started. I was upset because I had to put my book away. Yes I was attempting to read on the back of the bike. I was reading " A Glimpse of Jesus" by Brennan Manning. I had just put that book away and started "Velvet Elvis" when the rain came. Ahhhhhh!!!!!! At least I had my mp3 player to listen to, otherwise 5 hours on the back of a bike could heave been rather boring. However despite this I decided to have a better attitude. After all 10% of what happens to us are the actually events and the other 90% is our attitude.

The adventure got even better when the motorbike ran out of gas, and wouldn't switch over to the reserve tank. I was a little worried at first. But then decided hey if we have to walk 20 km then we have to walk 20 km. Luckily Jeral was able to get the reserve tank working (I originally miss underestimated the distance we would have had to walk. It was about 55 km to Radium. Now that would have been a walk.

So we got to Radium, and we warmed up before we head to the Hotsprings. The guy at the motel said it was about 2 km, wo we decided to walk. Nope it was more like 4km. I am very blessed that my husband walked at my pace. Nice and easy. It was good exercise and a great time to talk. Once we got there is was relaxing in the hot pool, and was that ever nice. I was secretly excited to get to wear the bathing suit I bought for our honeymoon. I look pretty good in it if I may be so bold as to say so, and I know Jeral likes it and that is what really counts.

Sunday we went to Invemere. Jeral wanted some Kicking Horse Coffee, so since they make it in Invemere we thought it would be a good place to go. Then we headed home. Oiy, I was very sore. Staddling someone on the back of a bike for 5 hours with the bike vibrating on the road, it is unnatural I tell you. On the way home we had another adventure of sorts. We almost got smucked on the road. Some person thought "hey I want to pass this slow vehicle, but hey there is a motor bike. Oh well I am going to pass anyway." Jeral is a great driver that is for sure. He was able to slow down and swurve otherwise we wouldn't be here. Honestly that was rather freaky and I was holding on to my honey with all my strength.

So that was our trip. Now we are home and I am back at work. Hopefully we will have more motorbike adventures soon.

Being Carried

Jeral has been gone this past week on a missions trip to New Orleans, and with him being gone I have been able to spend some time thinking and pondering the word "weakness". Our world has this idea of what weak is - weak is someone who is physically frail, emotional, crying well that is a defiant sign of weakness. What else someone who is liable to yield, collapse under pressure, breakable, lacking force, not smart, unself controlled etc. Do I need to go on? I am sure there are other words or definitions as to what weak is. For me to be viewed as being weak felt like the world was ending. If I was weak, I would be vulnerable, and open to more hurt. Being weak was view by me to be a negative. I needed to be strong even if I was on the verge of falling apart, or at least that is what I thought.

Something happened a few months ago that has slowly been changing my view of what it means to be weak. My best friend had her first baby, and there have been many complications with little Josiah. I was in Abbotsford talking to some and when the topic of it being okay to not be strong came up, I told her I needed to be strong when I saw Marie, because she needed a friend who was strong right now. Jesus gently reminded me at that point that in math when you multiply a negative with a negative the outcome is positive. A double negative is a positive. Oiy, I was beginning to get the picture. When I saw Marie later that day we both shared our joys, struggles, and tears (this was hard I have never liked crying). You know what when I look back on that time, I cannot see any weakness in those days. I see Jesus allowing two friends to be real and authentic. I see Jesus carrying both of us. Sometimes the things that we see and think as strong are really weakness. I am coming to realize that being vulnerable and authentic takes way more strength then covering up the "weakness". Jesus after all was considered weak by the world's standards at that time. He was not the strong conquering leader people wanted Him to be. However is some one were to ask me if I thought Jesus was weak, my answer would be a definite no. Jesus in my opinion was the strongest man to ever walk the earth, and he cried! Oiy, gotta love that reminder.

Anyways I have rambled on again.

Blessings, Leanne

Slow Process

Well these days I am becoming more and more convinced that healing the wounds of the past is a slow process. We live in an age where instant gratification is the norm. If you want if you can get it and quick, whatever you want. Honestly in our material world there isn't much you cant get especially if you have the money.

Some days if I could I would be very tempted to buy/purchase emotional healing. Just buy I have my little piece of paper or whatever I would get saying I have bought it and I would be done. Anytime a problem came up I would pull out the plaque or paper and say to bad so sad I am all healed so lets not bring that up. However in doing that I would miss out on the journey. Lifes journey with its many twists and turns can't be stopped with a plaque or a piece of paper. The twists will happen and the turns may at times be confusing, and the pace of the journey at times may feel slower than molasses in January, and despite all of that each moment is to be lived. Lived to its fullest. It's fullest joy, happiness, excitement, or it's fullest pain, sorrow, grief. denying the experience of these emotions in the moments that they come is like denying life. I know it is easier said than done to live fully when many of us including myself want the instant fix, the instant healing instead of the long lasting fruits of time and gradual transformation.

Above there are two pictures of the same painting. I took another attempt at a blindfolded painting. This time I did really well. Until Jesus threw in a hitch I was not expecting. He asked me to finish the painting not blindfolded. Oiy just when I thought I was figuring it out I had it all wrong. The first painting is the part done with the blindfold, and the second one is the finished product with out a blindfold on. I was freaked that I was going to mess up the painting if I was looking. I was gently reminded that part of the process is maybe messing up on my own so I can learn to more fully rely on Jesus, instead of myself. Honestly if my counselor ever read my blog I might be a little hooped. She could then use my own words to remind me healing takes time. And yet maybe that wouldn't be so bad. I am rambling now and it is getting late. Whether I am tired or not I still have school and students to work with tomorrow.

So good night!

Leanne