Pain Vs. Suffering

I posted a few posts back a little bit about my being in process about my theology of suffering. I must admit that I have appreciated reading lots of book by authors, such as Henri Nouwen, Brennan Manning, and Richard Rohr, whom all happen to be Catholic. What I appreciate is the understanding of suffering that they all come from. Lets face it and be honest Catholics do have a well developed theology on suffering, and while I agree with and appreciate much of what I have read. I feel that there is still something missing, and that is the differentiation between pain and suffering.

I have all recently been listening to sermons by the speakers from Nexus, and sermons by Rob Bell on suffering. They have lots of good stuff to say. I still have a few more sermons to listen too and I think I will search out and few more sermons by others.

As I was saying in the first paragraph, I think and please remember that this is still in progress for me, that we need to understand that there is a difference between pain and suffering. Too often we as humans link the two and say they come together. However when we talk about them and describe them we would say that pain is something we feel (aka a feeling/emotion/something physical), and suffering is something we experience, something that happens after and the feeling of pain has occurred. Suffering and pain actually are separate, and do not need to be side by side.

For me the question I am grappling with is since I believe and know that pain and suffering are two separate events then where is the fine line between acknowledging and feeling the pain that comes into our live, or sitting in it to the point that the pain turns into suffering?

Another question is will we let our pain make us bitter, or better? If we choose to become bitter then we are choosing to allow our pain to turn into suffering. In essence we have needlessly chosen to suffer. If we choose the path of BETTER the pain is not nullified and escaped it is acknowledged and then we can ask Jesus ,"okay what next?"

For example - the whole fertility journey has at times for me been a journey that has been filled with suffering because I was becoming very bitter. Now I have chosen to say what next. I want to be better. Being better look like going to the gym and working out, becoming healthy. It also means acknowledging the pain I sometimes feel when it comes. Such as last Sunday "Father's Day", when a lovely woman in our church said that Jeral could join the fathers in line because he was going to be a father some day. For me at that point I burst into tears, and needed to leave the room. I was able to come back and enjoy the festivities after I had allowed my hurt to be felt and seen by others (not that i enjoy that part). Bitterness would have kept me from going back into the room and enjoying all the yummy food.

So I know this is not a complete though process yet, and that is okay. I am a work in progress. As much as I still grapple with where is the line between pain and suffering I also know that if I focus in on never ever crossing over the line then I enter into the arena of legalism. Ultimately in the end I need to stay focused and fixed on Jesus and what He is doing in me and through me, even when I myself do not understand it. Truthfully in the end of all this thinking and wanting to figure it out I am still in many ways a little girl who at the end of the day wants to crawl up into her Heavenly DADA's lap and know He love me.

Back On Fertility Drugs

So the title says it all. Yep I am back on fertility drugs. Namely Clomid. I went to see my doctor last week Friday to ask to be sent to and Endocrinologist (they specialize in hormone imbalances), and asked her about some other fertility drugs such as Femara (also used in treating cancer patients). She was good about everything and admitted that this fertility stuff is not her specialty, in fact she said she was clueless. And as such only wanted to prescribe what she knows and is comfortable with. So back on clomid, and we have upped the dosage of another drug that will help with all this hopefully.

In all the books I have been reading on PCOS, they all say that woman with PCOS need to give clomid at least 5 - 6 months to work. Oiy! We only gave it two months. So in combination with exercising an hour a day at least, and changing my eating habits, we are back on the clomid. And I must say that I think all doctors who prescribe clomid need to really stress that the patient needs to exercise. Seriously the side effects I felt last time are not nearly as bad, actually I think that the exercising everyday has nullified the moodiness. We'll see what happens next month. I guess I just need to keep exercising. Thank goodness I have a treadmill at home for the days getting into Vernon is next to impossible. I also just bought a few weights so I can work on toning body parts. Slow progress and yet I know it will be worth it.

Side note my sister's pregnancy is going well. A little over a week ago we got a bit of a scare when she was bleeding. So far though all the ultra sounds have been good and the baby has a good steady heart beat. So it is looking like early February I will be and Aunty!

Getting my Butt Kicked!

So I have started going to the gym with my friend Karen (pronounced car-rin, it's South African). The above title is suitable since yeah I am getting my butt kicked in a good way. I must say I like the idea of going to a gym better than buying all the equipment and working out at home. This way I have lots of motivation. A friend to go with, and money is going out monthly, so I had better use it.

Plus oh gym equipment is so much nicer than the stuff you can buy for using at home. At least I have found that running on the treadmill at the gym is different than at home. The treadmill I have a t home I feel like I am going to break it every time I start to run, because it shakes and rattles. The gym treadmill is nice and not has hard on my knees.

I have been doing a class with my friend called Body Pump, it is a one hour class in which we work the different muscle groups in our body with continuous repetitions. I am so sore at the end of it and that is so good. All in all I am excited because I am also loosing weight as I do this. So far to date about 18 pounds in total. I am so stoked about that.

I have a few goals and when I reach those goals I have a plan to celebrate them.

I started off at 260 pounds (I am a big curavtious woman and proud of it)

At 210 (50 pounds lost) I get to go get the butterfly tattoo I want.
At 199 ( no longer in the 200) I am going to go shopping for a few new clothing items, and I will wear the little cute brown dress I bought for my honeymoon that now does not fit me.
At 175 (a lose of 85 pounds) I am going furniture shopping with my husband or we are going away on a cruise, on of those two things!!!!!:)

I have a few other things I am planning to do a long the way. However the above mentioned are the big ones.

Well I shall go finish making supper and then out to coach soccer!

So I am in process as we all are in process. I was able to see my counsellor this past week. What a blessing to have her in my life. Honestly she is one of the few people who can say things to me and I don't want to rebel. I was challenged by her to accept what is a few weeks ago and this time she did the same.

She also challenged me to differentiate between pain and suffering. Often we as humans pair the two. Pain is something that none of us can escape. Suffering however is something that we add on top of by our choices. We suffer when we look at life's events as unfair, and when we believe that God is up there pulling levers to make things happen. So for me part of my suffering is that I believe God is up there pulling the pregnancy lever for my sister and a ton of my friends and for me He put the breaks that lever. Yes it hurts big time that everyone around me has children and or are pregnant. However I have also been choosing to suffer because I believe God is unfair. Instead of acknowledging the pain (it's there and ignoring it is not healthy), and giving it to God and then looking for the gifts that I have been given, I have refused and fought with God and only looked for the gift I want.

I have been given the gift of seeing Joy, and I have needed that. Being pregnant would take that gift away. I have been given the gift of a chance to become healthy. I have to choose to accept that gift. Which I will say right here and now I am choosing to accept that gift. I have on numerous occasion said I have been blessed with a lovely home and a wonderful husband, and I have been. Yes these gifts do not take away the pain, however pain is something we all as humans must face and live with, suffering on the other hand is not something we have to live with.

I started reading a book I ordered a few weeks ago entitled, "A Patients Guide to PCOS: Understanding and Reversing Polycyctic Ovary Syndrome", by Walter Futterweit. Seriously for those of my friends who are struggling with fertility due to PCOS this is a good book to read. I am finding it valuable even in the information it gives that will help me tell my doctor what I need.

Well that is all for now.

I am Going to Be an Aunty

Well the title says it all. My sister called me today to tell me that she is pregnant.

If I am being honest I have a mix of emotions. I want to be happy and excited for her, and at the same time my deepest pain and wound gets opened a little wider with this news.

Lord I know that my sister and I have different stories. Can you please help me to understand mine a little better so this will hurt a little less? I guess in about 8 months I will be welcoming a new nephew or niece into the world. I pray that I will be the best auntie that I can be and that my new niece or nephew to be will never ever doubt my love for him or her.

Facing What Is

So the last time I was down in Abbotsford seeing my counselor, she said something to me that has sort of stuck, and given me lots to think about. She said that if I was able to face what is then maybe the phase of life I am in would not hurt as much. I may have a few words messed up however that is the general jist of what she said.

How do I face what is when I don't even always know what it. I have given this lots of thought in the past two days. So what is and what do I need to face? Is it that I may never have a biological child? Only God knows that for sure. So what so I know for sure that I can face.

Well here is what I believe the answer is. What I need to face is that I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). That is a for sure. I have spent the better part of 10 years trying to ignore or live as though having PCOS means that I can continue on in my life style. Here is the thing, when someone is diagnosed with high blood pressure, or high cholesterol if they ignore it the out come could mean death. When the condition they have is treatable, and if they follow the prescribed advice then life can be full and long. Well having PCOS means that I am prone to high blood pressure, and high cholesterol, and being over weight, and fertility issues, and heart stuff etc., the list could go on. Right now at the stage of life I am in I am over weight and well from previous blogs I think you can gather that we are struggling with fertility. I am blessed that outside of those two conditions the rest of the bigger ones I am not affected by. Blood pressure is good, and so is the cholesterol. However if I keep ignoring this and living as though I don't have PCOS the other conditions will gradually creep into my life.

So what does facing that I have PCOS means for me? I am not sure yet. I do know that it means reading books in the topic. I just bought a cook book created for women with PCOS. I am looking forward to it arriving. Not necessarily looking forward to the flavor less foods I am about to start eating, however for a longer life and a healthier life the change is going to be worth it. It also means exercising. I found this so much easier when I was in Bible College playing sports, or when I was at camp running around. I hate exercising and I do not have the motivation. however I know that this is something I need to do.

I have never been skinny and I honestly do not desire to be a skinny stick of a person. I just want to be healthy. I hate that not being pregnant is what is giving me the time to look at some of these things and the time I need to work on making the changes. However today I read a tacky church sign the said, "Sometimes God gives us what we need in packages that we do not want." So maybe what I need is in the package of an empty womb. I hate that and yet at least for today I can see the truth and the good in it.

This in not going to be easy and yet I know I will find away to do make the changes. I have never been one to give up. I am a little stubborn that way. Maybe that is why it has taken me 10 years to really acknowledge this. However now it is time for change!

Finger Painting

A part of my healing journey is painting more. Finger painting to be exact. I had tried to paint something with brushes they other day and did not like how it turned out so I decided to smear over what I had painted originally and finger paint. Man if I would have finger painted like this when I was 4 and 5 I would have been considered an artistic genius. So here are the two most recent finger paintings.

A few months ago I had a vision you could call it, of a butterfly trying to land on a flower and Jesus said, "Not yet, she it to fragile." Last night for the first time I saw a butterfly land on a flower, when I closed my eyes last night to go to sleep I saw a butterfly land. This is my finger painting of it.

There was something else on this canvas originally and I did not like it so I smeared over it and finger painted this, with my left hand to be as child like as possible for me. Talk about hard, a few times I got frustrated and switched to my right hand.

*Butterflies seem to be a theme for me as of late. My sister in law told me something interesting the other day. When a caterpillar goes into a cocoon the caterpillar liquefies. It actually becomes liquid. Then in the darkness the liquid is transformed into something beautiful. In the darkness the foundation is laid. In the struggle a beautiful creation is born. I am pretty much feeling like a caterpillar who has entered into it cocoon these days. I look forward to the day I get to emerge.

Free Hugs

So two posts in one day! I am on a roll!!!!!!! So I had to make a quick trip to the local grocery store today to grab a few things for supper tonight, and I was wearing a t-shirt I bought a few weeks ago. the t-shirt says "FREE HUGS". I wasn't even thinking about the shirt when the cashier asked me if I was really giving free hugs. What does one say to that? I went on to tell the cashier and the lady in front of me about some of the research done and how necessary hugs are for people to not only to survive, instead to thrive.

Needless to say as I was finishing up paying, I asked the cashier if she was serious about me giving her a hug and she said yes. So I hugged a complete stranger (well I guess not a total stranger, I see her often enough at the grocery store).

So I am thinking about doing a little experiment. I will wear the shirt out in public on various occasions to see what kind of reaction I get, and to see how many hugs I get the honor of giving away, and as I hug each person I will pray for them. I'll let you know how the experiment goes in a few weeks.