Mothers Day

My little Farmer in the making!  If he sees and empty tractor he comes running to fill the seat!

Posing for the camera

Sitting on the train at the Kamloops Wild Life Park, and totally unaware that I was taking a picture otherwise she would have made a silly face!

I have photos of Jeral holding all of our kids hands.  I love photos like this, maybe because they are a reminder to me that at times I need to hold the hand of my Heavenly Father as I navigate life!

Buffalo

Grizzly Bear - the grizzly bears tend to be the favourite place to visit when we go to the Wild Life Park

The cougar - I actually had a picture of him eating his supper yet decided to not post it.  

Waiting for the train ride.  Jaris loves trains and this was the first time in the  last three visits that the train was running so we had to go!

The kids got to blow the whistle

I decided to make a little donkey noise and all three donkeys turned and went nuts on me.  It sure made for a great picture.

Kenzie fell down and hurt her ankle, and instead of running over to her I took a photo - one day honey I will help pay for your therapy from all the mistakes I made.  In the mean time know that I love you!

I had to explain what nocturnal means on this visit - Kenize could not understand why an owl would sleep during the day especially when she wants to party all day and all night long!

On Mothers Day we went to Crazy Creek Water Fall and Suspension Bridge.  I love waterfalls so it was the perfect trip to take on Mothers Day with my family.

A RAINBOW!!!!!  And a great opportunity to talk about God's promise to us and how the rainbow represents that.  I also realized that even a very bright 4 year old struggles to understand why God would flood the whole earth, and then be afraid that God may do it again.  Good thing we have rainbow to remind us that God promises to never flood the whole earth again!  Once I explained that all was good.  Yet again another reminder of the simple faith of a child!

I love this boy so much!

I could sit with a blanket, journal, and a pen by a waterfall all day and just soak in al the God wants to talk to me about!  I love waterfalls!

My attempt at a kids photo.  With three little one I will take what I can get!  Thank you my miracles on this day you three have turned my mourning into dancing and so much more!  I love you with all of my heart and so much more!

At least Kenzie is not making a crazy face face in this one!  I love these three miracles, and honoured beyond belief to be their mother!

You have my heart my son

Once again the best I got!  Hayden thought it was great to sort of be allowed to stomp on his sisters head for a while!

Mothers Day Gifts from my very sweet daughter!  As we walked along the trail she would pick something up, look at it, and then come running to me and say, "Happy Birthday - oops I mean Mommy Day, here is your present."

On Sunday I was one of two women our Pastor interviewed.  I will readily admit that I was more nervous being interviewed that I ever was the times I was preaching/speaking.  Pastor Wayne originally sent us an email with a few questions he may ask us, and I thought I would post a few of those with my answers here.

What does being a mother mean to you?
Okay I will readily admit that I have a bit of an agenda when I answer this question, and that is because I have been so very blessed to have had three different journeys all lead to me being a mother.  First and fore most for me being a mother has nothing to do with biologically, or genetically connected to my children.  It has to do with the love I have for them in my heart and how I have carried and prayed for each on in my heart, long before I was ever married, long before I ever was pregnant.  Becoming a mother for me had more to do with my arms being full, than it did with my womb bursting with life.  Being a mom for me also means showing my children the Mother Love of God to the best of my ability, and for me to love them as God desires me too.  I know that most often the Bible refers to God in the masculine form of Father, yet there are a few examples of God being referred to in the feminine for of a Mother Hen covering her chicks with her wing, or a Mother Bear protecting her cubs.  I love the picture of a Mother Bear protecting her cubs.  For one thing, one should never get between a Mother Bear and her cubs.  That would spell danger for the human being. I love the idea of God protecting us in that same way, and as a mom I want to protect my children in that way.  Maybe that is why I am totally okay being referred to as a Mama Bear.  I also feel that being a mama to me means not raising my children to be Christians (WHAT?), yep I said that.  Instead I desire to always point my children to Jesus/God, so that as they grow they will hopefully one day choose to follow God as Jeral and I do.  Ultimately as a mama I know it will be there choice one day, and all I can do it point them to Jesus!


What are some moments of Joy that you have experienced being a Mother?
1) They day that MacKenzie was placed in my arms for the first time.  She grabbed a hold of my heart and has never let go.  I am so honored to be her mother.  While those first few days and weeks were a blur at times, I will always cherish the first moment I held my daughter, and I will also hold tenderly how hard it was for her Birth Mother in those moments.

2)The moment right after I had pushed Jaris put and he was placed on my chest.

3)The first time Jaris spontaneously told me, "I love you Mommy."  There are no words that could express the overwhelming sense of joy and elation in that moment.

4)The first few moments of hold Hayden after I had given birth to him.  There is something magical, and sacred about those first few moments.

What are some of the sorrows you have had to walk through as a mother?

1) The day that Jaris was diagnosed with Autism.  While i thought we were prepared for the diagnosis I realize now that no matter how a parent may think the assessment may go, one cannot truly prepare themselves to hear that their child has a disability.  When I found out we were pregnant for the first time i prayed for God to protect the child I was carrying.  I was spotting a lot and we thought we had lost his a few times.  I prayed and dreamed about his future and no where in those prayers and dreams did I ever think my son may be diagnosed with Autism.  Yet I would not trade him for the world.

2)The realization that my daughter had to be cut from her family of origin so she could be grafted into our family.  A family was broken, so our family could be formed.  The day after we met Kenzie's birth mother I cried many tears, and they were not tears of joy.  They were tears of sorrow for her birth mother, because I could not imagine carrying a child in my womb and then being told that I could not raise them, love them, snuggle with them, tuck them in at night, and tell them "I love you" multiple times a day.  My heart broke for this amazing woman, and also for my daughter because I know that she will have days of grief, surrounding her adoption and that breaks my heart because as her mother I want to protect her from heart ache, only to realize that I failed when she was a day and a half old.

What piece of advice would you give to children and husbands?

1) Husband make sure you give your wives time away just for themselves.  I am pretty blessed, and feel very fortunate that Jeral regularly takes all three kids so i can have some time just by myself, and I will readily admit that this time is my sanity and helps me to be a better mom, and wife.

2)Children when your moms have moments of blowing it and making mistakes know that we love you always.  We are human even if we wish were were super heroes.

How has God helped you as you parent your children? (I don't remember the exact wording as this was an emotional answer for me - to be honest by the end of the interview I was crying).

God has been the one that I could turn to when I was to afraid to talk to others about what I was feeling.  In may ways God has been the container I have poured my heart into.  Right after Jaris was diagnosed I went through a time when I was really angry and I felt I could not openly talk about my anger so God held it for me.  God has also been there to remind me of all the blessing, such as my children talking about pee, and poop and how they would taste if they mixed them together and ate them.  While I think that is gross my son was fully engrossed in a conversation with his sister and giving input just as much as she was.  That is a blessing!  While I no longer have hours in the day to sit with my Bible, journal, and a pen those years when I did have helped to build a strong foundation so that now when I only get 5-10 minutes if I am lucky, I do not crumble completely.  God has reminded me that when I am spending time with my children and with Jeral, then I am spending time with Him.  When I am loving my family well, I am loving God well.

How can the church help us as we raise our children? (This is wear I just could not keep the tears back anymore)

I said thank you to our church instead of answering the question and then I cried.  I fully understand that parents today raise their children differently than many of the seniors in our church did.  Yikes we are raising our children differently than I was raised.  With that I am thankful that my children are allowed to be children in our church.  That we no longer feel judged when our oldest son in in the nursery screaming because he is over simulated with sensory input.  My youngest son can walk up on stage to Stephanie while she plays piano and no one looks at us with disapproving eyes.  We left the church just over two years a go for a while because we were not sure if the church was the right one for us, yet we came back and I know our church is the best church there is for our growing family.

So how can you help us - here is my answer pray for wisdom for us.  As Kenzie grows she will have lots of questions and even a possible desire to meet her birth family, and we want God to grant us wisdom, compassion, tenderness, as we help her navigate all her adoption means for her and for us.  Wisdom as we seek the best help for Jaris, and for a team around us that will mesh with our family paradigm.  Grace as when many people work together there are bound to be conflicts every now and then.  Oh do I boldly ask for PATIENCE?  Yes I know more often then not when one prays for this events occur to cultivate patience!  Lastly we do want to grow our family by one more (if Kenzie has her way and her prayers answered it will grow by two - not sure how I feel about that), and it has been a year since we decided that yes we want #4 so you can pray for that.


Wow there you have it and once again this has been a long post!

A Little Update!

Chilling with Daddy in the Hammock!  We used some of the funding we got for Jaris to buy this hammock.   I was a little hesitant about a hammock because when Jaris was younger he did not like the hammock swinging motion.  However now as a 4 year old he loves it and he loves to snuggle with one of us in it!  

Snuggles with mommy while H naps!  We have had some amazing weather so  are enjoying it!

Playing in the sand box!  This I think is one of the kids favourite spots.   

Some one got a new bike!  Thanks to air miles.  Jaris loves riding his spiderman bike.  At first I thought that he may not be able to pedal because he had a strider bike before.  However he figured out how to pedal no problem.  He loves his bike so much that on days when it is raining he tries to sneak the bike inside and ride around the house.  

Lunch in the shade on a hot day!

Tomorrow marks one year since we were told Jaris had Autism.  As I sit and reflect on this past year, it has been a whirl wind, filled with lots of change, lots of challenges, lots of epiphanies, and lots of very sweet moments.

The biggest change is Jaris has school 5 days a week in our home.  I choose to call it school because I hate the term "behaviour intervention".  Jaris has autism, which at times presents itself in his behaviour however that is not the be all and end all to who my son is, and he learns so much more than just managing his behaviour when he has school.  Having other people in our home 5 days a week is tough on the introvert in me, yet it is what is best for Jaris so that is what we are doing.  

I have come to realize that when one has a child with a disability it is hard not to constantly make that child the focus of almost everything you say and do.  I will readily admit that when my sister and I were younger I used to get so angry, because there were times I felt as though my mom only had one child.  I can now understand and have little more compassion for myself and for my mom during the years that my sister was sick.  While I as a parent work tirelessly to ensure that all of my children never feel abandoned, or as though I do not have time for them, I can see how all consuming, and easy it can be to make one child the focus of life.  It is not just in time that one child can be the focus, it can also appear that when we celebrate accomplishment differently.  And while I am very aware of this I have my moments when I fail.  I am also well aware that this post will focus mostly on one child as well!  Today is one of those days.

We have also realized that while Jaris spends lots of time with me going to and from other appointments, he needs quality one on one time with us that does not involve doctors appointments, Speech and Language, OT, etc.  He needs time to be a little boy, and to have fun.  

In this past year I have watched Jaris go from being a boy who really did not try to engage that often to a little boy who will go to great lengths to engage and he seeks out people he knows are safe and whom he knows love him.  In the past year Jaris went from being a boy who barely spoke to a little boy who will spontaneously come to me and say, "Mommy I love you!"  Or like yesterday when he fell and I said, "Jaris you are okay!"  He looked up and said, "No mommy, I not okay.  I hurt my foot."  In the past year Jairs went from being a little boy who would throw himself to the ground and roll while banging his head, to a little boy who when upset runs to his chair that rocks and swivels, so he can spin to calm himself down.  In the past year Jaris went from being a boy who did not want a lit of physical contact to a boy who is very affectionate, and loves to be held and hugged as long as it is deep pressure.  The list could go on.  While I know that there were some who were opposed to us having Jaris assessed, I know 100% that we made the right choice.  My son is amazing and there is no limit to what he can do.  Do we still have challenges ahead of us?  Yes we do, yet we know that given time and love all challenges will be conquered by our amazing little boy.

So what else is new in the Krahn home.  Well Kenzie about a month or more ago found a locket in her hope chest that was given to her by her name sake.  At first she thought that locket came from her, "first mom", as she chose to call her.  I explained that the locket was from some one who I once spent a lot of time with, a wise women who came to mean a lot to me, and still does even though I do not seen her any more.  Kenzie wanted to know why her name sake was not a part of our lives, so I got to explain to Kenzie that in life sometimes people are only meant to be with us for a short while.  this is a concept that my daughter does not full get yet.  However what 4 year old would.  To a 4 year old everyone has to be in their lives forever and ever.  The photo of Joy was unfortunately wrecked.  I am pretty sure that the only reason I knew Kenzie found the locket was because I caught her with it, as she must have played with it before because the photo appeared to be damaged by water.  Kenzie was her adorable self and said mommy I want to see Mrs. Joy.  Yikes, that is not possible right now, so she settled for me emailing and asking Joy for a photo we can put in the locket.  Oh the innocence of my little girl, yet in a way I am happy she found the locket and asked about Joy.  As she gets older I am sure we will have more talks about Joy and why we named her after her.  

Kenzie has also expressed a desire to have a sister.  She wants older and younger sisters.  Since she is 4 we have not told her yet that she does have 4 older sisters.  We feel that would be a concept she is not able to understand.  Why do I have sisters and yet they do not live with us.  I know the day is coming when she will ask us lots of questions about her birth family.  Kenzie knows she is adopt, and she knows that we love her all the same.  Mid week last week she we were watching a cartoon in which one of the characters was pregnant and she asked about it.  So I explained that there was a baby growing inside of the mommy's tummy.  She got a big smile on her face and said just like my brothers and I grew in your tummy.    So i said yes - not yes to her growing in my tummy.  The yes was to every one growing at some point in someones tummy.  Most of the time when you grow in someones tummy, they are also your mommy forever - however sometimes babies grow in someone else's tummy, other than their mommy.  I am still not sure how much of this Kenzie fully understands.  In time I guess.

So Hayden - well he is one very tall boy.  I just went through all if his clothing and took out everything that was 24 months - 2t and all 3t jeans.  His drawers now are filled with 3t, and 4t clothing.  He is only 20 months!!!!!!!!  I will admit that there are days, moments when I catch myself trying to prove to others that he is not going to have Autsim like his brother.  I guess when one child is on the spectrum that tends to be the lens one looks at all their children with.  Hayden is still my snuggle bug, although he is pretty good at saying no mommy, or stop mommy when I am trying to sing to him while we snuggle.  He is a love of food, and a bit of a scavenger.  After his siblings leave the table he will get up and walk around to their plates and pick off all the food he loves.  Also who needs a puppy to eat the food off the floor when Hayden is around?????  H is very adventurous to the point on giving me more white hairs.  He seriously has no fear somedays, and his curiosity astounds me.

I think I will stop here as this got way longer than I anticipated!