The Darkness of Night Makes The Sunrise Stunning

"Sometimes one has to walk through the often complete darkness of grief to embrace the light of joy to be found in challenging circumstances. Feeling that grief does not diminish the joy one feels at the end. In fact embracing the grief enables one to experience the joy more fully. Yet for some they see acknowledgement of the darkness as a detractor from the joy. If only they could understand that the darkness of night makes the sunrise stunning."


I was in a discussion with a woman today about Austism.  I had simply stated that the article we were reading actually caused my blood to boil because in my opinion only someone who does not daily face the challenges of life with a family member on the Autism Spectrum would state that a 1.1% chance of your children developing Austism was an acceptable chance.  This is in regards to the continuing debate of do vaccinations cause Autism.  I am not anti-vaccination.  I was struggling with what I felt was the arrogance and ignorance with which the author was writing the article.  As the conversation via Faceboook continued the woman I was conversing with said if there was no one with Autism the world we live in would not be as beautiful.  That is when I wrote the above quote.  While I agree that my son and others whom I have been blessed with the honour of working with are truly amazing and beautiful, I also felt as though I was trapped by the comment.  How could I be open and transparent about the grief I feel?  My son is an amazing little boy.  He astounds me every day.  Yet I had to grieve the son I thought we were going to have, the dreams I had dreamed for him, so I could embrace the new dreams and all the joys that come with parenting a child with a disability.  Only in facing the grief could I open my heart to all the joys and blessings God has for our family and our son.  My children each in their own way are my greatest teachers.  Yes I have grieved, and grief is not a one day process.  I so wish it were somedays.  However there are moments like today when the grief appears, when the darkness encloses around me. Yet I have hope that just as the night falls, so to the sun will rise.  Trust me the beauty of the sunrise is stunning, and so is the joy that accompanies each new sunrise in the ebb and flow of grief.

Family Gathering (I know it is a little late)

I know that this post is a little late.  I did start writing it right after Christmas, and then this post went got put aside.  So without delay here are the photo's from our family Christmas.

H opening up one of his gifts from Grandma J!

Kenzie in her Princess Sofia dress from Auntie Jocelyn, and also giving us a little taste of her singing abilities with her gift From Grandma J

Jaris getting a turn to serenade us all!  I love how he has his hand out while he is entertaining us.

Look at me and my lips!  I wanna kiss mommy!

Making a gingerbread house after supper on Sunday!

The girls intently watching Grandma

Well there you have it!  I still need to download the photos I took on Christmas Day with just us.  Not sure when I will actually get around to it.

This weekend was truly an amazing mama weekend for my heart.  On Saturday Jaris, without having to be bribed or asked to say it said, "Mommy I love you too!" as he sheepishly looked and me and ran away.  He said it three separate times, and then to top it off he saw a scrape on my foot and asked me if it hurt.  When I said it hurt a bit, he asked Jeral to come with him upstairs to help him get his Thomas Blanket.  They brought it down stairs and Jaris placed it on my foot and then asked, "Mommy foot all better now?"  I started crying because I have longed for this day, and yet not sure if I would ever hear Jaris tell me he loved me with his own words.

Then to add to an already day fantastic day Kenzie and I went out on a mommy daughter date.  I love our mommy daughter times, and I cherish the memories that we are creating when we spend time together.  I know we spend lots of time together every day yet there is something special about getting away just the two of us with out the males in our lives.  At Kenzie's request we went to see the Disney movie Frozen for the second time.  She was so adorable as she would look up and lean over to tell me she was being brave and that she was just a tiny bit scared when the objects on the screen would come out of the screen at us.  Yes we saw the movie in 3D.  Even more heart warming was when she decided she needed to sit on my lap near the end of the movie.

Hayden has stopped calling me daddy, and now called me nanny!  Yes!!!!!  We are one step closer to mommy!  I still long to hear him say mommy, and yet I am so elated to hear him call me Nanny, especially when he calls me nanny and them puts his arms up as his way of asking me to pick him up.  Then after I pick him up he nuzzles his head into my neck as he wraps his arms around my neck as well.  I am so very blessed to be a mommy.

 Today we met with a woman who may be replacing Jaris' fav teacher who is moving to Australia.  We are really hoping that this lady is the one.  Hopefully we will know in the next few days if she has decided to take the position as Jaris' Monday, Wednesday, and Friday teacher.

Well I think that is all for tonight as I need to get some sleep!

A New Year

I know this is a few days late, alas that is the reality of having three small children who have all been hit with a nasty flu/cold, and then Jeral and I got levelled with it as well.  I apologize for the length of this post.  It sort of got away on me, and took a spin that I had originally not intended, yet that is where my thoughts took me today!

I was reading something that my sister in law wrote about “new beginnings”.  Normally we look at the New Year as a time of newness.  The last year is finished and we get to start a new year with a clean slate.  I only wish I could wipe the slate of last year clean, erase some of the events that happened in our family last year.  Alas that is not reality for us for anyone actually.  We can begin the new year with fresh resolve to do things differently than we did from the previous year.  We can choose to live healthier, live more intentionally, to not stress about things as much, to work with in a new budget etc, however for somethings the slate cannot be wiped clean. I know this may sound very pessimistic, and while I do love the fresh resolve and new ideas that tend to spring forth in the new year, I also am this year a little more realistic to the reality that I cannot simply wipe away the past year and forget about.

If I had a Chalk Board Slate with words written on it as a representation of 2013, there would be words on there that could be wiped clean for 2014 and then there would be some words that will forever be a fixture on the Slate of our lives.  One word in particular - AUTISM.

May 6th , 2013 Jaris was diagnosed with Autism.  I cannot simply wipe that off the slate this year.  And while part of me does want to because I am afraid of the many unknowns, and part of me also knows that Jaris is a gift from my maker God, and that he was given to us for a reason.  In some ways it would be nice to have our brains like the wires in a car.  If the wires are crossed you open up the hood and you pull the wires and you put them in the right place so everything works properly according to the standards that our society has set out and expects.  As I am typing this I am reminded of how different societies do things differently.  When I was in India in 2001 I got the opportunity to drive a vehicle over there on the very per crowded streets.  I sat on the other side and the stick shift was on the opposite side as to what we are used to in North America.  Often one could see the lights of the other car blinking.  Instead of the signal being turned on to indicate the way the on coming car was going to turn, the signal light was indicating which way the person driving the oncoming vehicle wanted you to go.  Talk about backwards, or at least backward to my North American mindset of driving.  Yet it works and if I would have tried to force my North American way of driving there would have been a huge accident.  I would speculate that Autism is like this story. What society may deem as wrong is just a different way.  Yet we are scared of different, so we try to force what we know and what we are comfortable with on others.  Just as I needed to learn rather quickly in one short driving lesson, the rules of the road, and what was expected of someone driving Indian roads, Jaris will need to learn  what society expects of him in various interactions, and I as his mom have that responsibility.  However I do not want to force Jaris to change who he is and how he is designed by God altogether.  I know that he is created uniquely and perfectly by God, and that Jaris is one of three miracles we begged God for all those years ago, as we struggled through fertility issues.  He has some much to offer our family and so much to teach all of us if only we will open our eyes, ears, and hearts to see and hear what God is speaking to us through him.

I am not going to lie and say that parenting a special needs child is easy.   Nope, not easy at all.  This past year was a bumpy one for us and for extended family.  Some relationships have been hurt drastically and I am not sure if they will ever repair.  My hope for 2014 is that they will and that those family relationships will be stronger.  In being a mom who advocates for her children I am afraid that Leanne the friend, the sister, the sister in law at time gets lost, or even forgotten.  I see lots of people daily, and most are members of the team who work with us to help Jaris grow and blossom, very few are friends.  I can a test to the reality that even when surrounded by lots of people one can feel very alone and isolated.  The fear of stepping out of that isolation also breeds fear of rejection.  Fear of rejection of my self and also fear of others rejecting Jaris.  Presently I am not afraid of anyone rejecting Kenzie.  She is so engaging, and she draws you in with her warmth, and gentle, yet fun loving spirit.  Everywhere we go she easily makes friends and finds acceptance.  Hayden is still an adorable little babe, and for the most part does not want to be parted from Jeral or myself.  Then there is Jaris and I so want to spare him ever feeling the rejection I felt as a child.  Sadly I have not been able to spare him that.  I know that often some of the behaviours that have appeared are seen differently than I would see them.  I know I am his mom.  I know that I have come to see the outbursts, tears, laughter, pulling at me, asking me to come right now, as a bridge that he and I can travel back and forth on into each others worlds.  Others who are not trained and aware of this may see him as a badly behaved child, and not want to be around him.  Ironically enough so far it has been more adults with this attitude than children.  The other day Kenzie had some friends over from Preschool, and the boys played wit Jaris and he played with them.  They had a tough time understand some of his words and one of the boys asked me about it and i explained that Jaris has Autism and so his brain is wired differently and at times his words are hard to understand and the boys said oh, okay, and then went back to playing with Jaris.  A part of me wishes that we could retain the same love and acceptance that little children display all through out life.  Our world would be a very different place if we could.

Now if I said that 2013 was a year I wish would never have happened that would be a lie also.  While we had some drop us to our knees, blow your world apart moments, we have also had some very amazing moments.  Without this year we would not have been able to get Jaris all the help that he needed to get, and he would not be progressing and blooming into the amazing little boy that he is.  He may not be talking and asking for hugs, and kisses.  He may not be asking us to come and play.  I would still have a gallbladder with gallstones inside my body causing me an extreme amount of pain at times.  We would not have some answers and clarity as to what happened to Jeral as a child.  Kenzie would not have started preschool, and the honest talks about her adoption would not have taken place - although I think she would be okay if those talks had not happened.   I would not have met some of the moms I have met through Kenzie's preschool. Hayden would not have started walking and trust me he is a big boy so having him walk is great for my back!  And he is just adorable!!!!  My relationship with my sister would not be as close as it is (crazy that it took her moving 7 hours away for that to happen). Jeral and I would not have celebrated 7 years of marriage (okay we celebrated by staying home with three sick kids, still we made it to 7 years).  We would not have gotten Blackie our puppy.  The list could go on!

So yes there were moments I could have done without this year, and yet there were also lots of amazing moments that I would not want to trade for the world.  That is life, and I am sure 2014 will be filled with many more moments I will savour, and some I will quickly want to forget.  So here is to 2014, and maybe a few less knock me off my feet moments!

Catching Up

I think I have started about 10 posts in the last few months, however I have yet to finish any of them.  So what has happened in the last few months since my last post.

Well we have fired one of Jaris' teachers.  In the end she just was not a good fit for our family, and for Jaris.  However we were fortunate enough that the young lady who replaced her is wonderful.  Sadly the other teacher and her husband are moving to Austraila, so we will once again be looking for another teacher.  In spite of all the changes Jaris has been doing very well, and thriving.

We had our Pauls' extended family Christmas here at the beginning of December, and as always it was  a lot of fun.  The following day we had our family Christmas with my sister and her family.  It was a sad day when my sister and her family left to go back home.

We had Kenzie's 4th birthday.  This year she was allowed to invite a few friends.  I did however draw the line on inviting the whole preschool class.  Kenzie was in her element and enjoyed being the centre of attention.

We had our quiet family Christmas.  My mom came out and joined us.  Once we came home from Church on Christmas Eve we let the kids open their stockings, which included new pj's, snacks, a few small toys, and a Christmas movie.  We moved two mattresses downstairs and had a great big sleep over while watching Christmas Cartoons.  I loved watching the Kenzie, Jaris, and Hayden as they opened their gifts.  Kenzie often said, "this is just what I wanted!" After she opened a gift up.  My daughter seriously is very sweet, and kind hearted.

On the 28th of December we had the Krahn, Cowie Christmas.  Once again my children were so excited to be with family, and to be with their cousins.  Kenzie enjoyed entertaining everyone with her singing and dancing.  And as usual my children were blessed beyond belief.

We also had our 7th anniversary.  I can hardly believe that we have been married for 7 years already.  We celebrated by staying at home , eating take home Chinese food, and watching a movie after the children were in bed.  The joys of having little ones with colds, and also Jeral getting sick as well.  However I honestly can say that I would not have wanted to celebrate any other way.  Cuddles with my love while relaxing, nothing better than that!

I have now gotten sick along with the rest of our family.  The joys of being parents.  So I will be heading to bed rather quickly!  I will eventually get photos up of the last few weeks!  I hope that 2014 is a year filled with love, and adventure!