I have started and stopped many posts lately. In all honesty there has been more heart ache, frustration, anger, and utter brokenness in the last few weeks than I would like.
At the end of August we found out we were expecting another little miracle. This came at the end of a year of actively trying and 5 months of fertility medications. I was so excited and also terrified when we found out. I was excited for the new life growing instead of me. And I was terrified that I would yet again have a miscarriage. After having two previous miscarriages I am not sure if I adequately have the words to describe the mixture of joy and terror. As a mother my heart attached to this Little One and started dreaming about the future. I was actually looking forward to labor again. There is something wondrous and mystical about the juxtaposition of being at my most vulnerable and yet also being at the most powerful I have ever felt.
About 18 months ago I had walked into Winners and saw a baby blanket that I fell in love with. I bought it is faith that we would add to our family yet again, and tucked it away. Then my best friend had a little girl so I gave her the blanket because I felt I needed to crochet a blanket and pray. So on August 12th with tears I told Marie the story behind the blanket I was giving to Nadine and I started to crochet and pray that God would once again give us another miracle.
As worked on the blanket my heart was broken. I knew I was weary from the journey and while my heart longed and still does long to have one more miracle grow in my womb, to feel him or her kick, move around, to lay in bed at night with the doppler and listen to his or her heart beat, I also knew the medications were taking a toll on me emotionally. In those 12 days before I found out we were expecting I had come to a place of walking away from growing our family. I honestly had lost hope that the medications would work, and I was honestly afraid we would have another miscarriage. So it was better to walk away and grieve walking away and not adding to our family, than to add another beautiful child to heaven and have to walk through that grief.
So in late August I found out I was pregnant and on September 1st, my baby went to heaven to be held by Jesus until I can hold him or her. The day before my Little One went to be with Jesus, I felt God asking me if I trusted Him with this child, and if I would be able to sit in the boat with Jesus while the waves came. Could I trust Jesus to hold me and my baby? Now here is where I will risk utter honesty. My answer was no Jesus, I want to jump out of this boat we are in. I want to get to shore as fast as I can and hold onto my baby so very tight until her or she is born in 35 weeks. I don't trust you to not take another to Heaven before I get to hold him or her. While that was my response I also knew that there was no way I was going to really jump out of the boat with Jesus, and I knew that ultimately I had no control over whether or not I would hold my Little One in my arms. I just did not want to pretend that I was going to be okay with Jesus hold in his arms a third child of mine before I did. While I know one day I will get to look into their eye for the first time, I will get to tenderly cup their face in my hands as I take in all their features, I will get to hold them, and I will get to sing to them the same song I sing to Kenzie, Jaris, and Hayden, that knowledge does not diminish the grief I feel now.
Right now I take one day at a time. Some days the waves of grief come crashing in and they are relentless. Other days the waves come and then they stop. Some days, the days I really do have to function the waves I know Jesus calms so I am not drowning in grief. In time the waves of grief will dissipate, the intense heart ache will dull. Their will always be three pieces of my heart in heaven, and while I do not understand God's purpose in all of this I know that Hope, Annabelle, and Little one were given to me for a time, and that one day I will see clearly the plan God had for each little short life, and his plan for me in all of this. Right now I just can't see it that clearly, and that is okay because I know one day I will. In the mean time i get the blessing of holding three little miracles and at night snuggling with the blanket I made for Little one while I dream of holding him or her.