Saying Goodbye

Grief is a strange thing, and it comes in cycles. However today a new cycle of grief begins.

I was supposed to be driving to Oliver right now to see my grandma probably for the last time. My aunt called last night to tell me that she had about a week to live. I remember calling my mom last night to tell her and I said that it would be more merciful for God to take her now. I never thought though that I would not get to see her.

This morning my aunt called to tell me that grandma had passed away just 30 minutes before she called me.

So this is saying goodbye for me, if she were still alive I would say theses words to her.

Grandma I am sorry that we missed out on a relationship for all those years I was to afraid to come and visit because of dad.

I want you to know that I love you. Always have and always will.

I am going to miss you.

Do you remember how people used to say that I looked just like with my red hair. I would promptly tell them that yours was a dye job and mine was the real thing. Secretly though I liked being told I was like you, because I thought you were so beautiful, and strong, and I wanted to be like that too.

I used to think that you would live forever like all little girls do. Now the end has come and gone. I was supposed to be saying goodbye to you today, instead though you are gone. You slipped away quietly all by yourself. My heart aches because I will never get to see you again, at least not here on earth.

I love you Grandma, and goodbye.

In A Funk

So I have not been posting too much lately. I actually have been isolating a lot. If it were not for the fact that I have been going to the gym I would blame this last down time on the fertility drugs however I know that is not the case.

This is just another time to come to a place of hurting over not being able to get pregnant. For Jeral's birthday I was really hoping that the last round of fertility drugs would have worked. However that is not what happened. I know that we both just want to start our family, and we are having a tough time understanding why the time is not yet.

I know that when I look back on the last 18 months so much growth has happened. My time with Jesus and Joy in counselling has been huge. And I know that getting pregnant right away would have changed all that has happened. I would not trade the growth and healing that has taken place, even though the pain of not being able to get pregnant in great.

I also would not have changed or given up the time that I have had with Jeral. We have had time to work on our marriage and to make it stronger and better. Yes we have our bad days and our times of struggle and yet I know that our marriage is on much better and stabler ground because of this time together.

And still there is an ache in my heart. I am hurting there is no way around it. Some days are better than others. I am at the point where I have decided not to go to church for the past few Sundays because I find it too hard to go there and see a woman who in now pregnant, with a little miracle (no child is an oppsy even if the child was not planned). It just hurts to much to see other women who may not necessarily want to be pregnant, be pregnant if you know what I mean. I keep asking why is it that they get blessed with the one thing that we want so badly and yet that blessing is with held from us? I know that this is our story, and they have their stories. Knowing that still does not make it any easier.

Some days I wonder if God would just bless us with one child would we (I) be content, and would the pain go away? Or would I just want more? If the day ever comes that I do become pregnant I know that I will cherish my child, and never take them for granted because I did not have to pray and cry for so long.

I am just rambling. Honestly I am just not in a great place right now. I thought finding out that my Ovary Drilling was finally scheduled and taking place on September 8th would help me come to a better place. However not yet. I guess I cannot rely on tings to help me feel better. Oh well I think this rambling has gone on long enough.

Trying to Build Up Tolerance

So I am trying to build up my tolerance to raw vegetable. I happen to be allergic to raw vegetables. Not something that I would have minded as a child. However now as an adult I most definitely have some problems with this.

I am working hard on loosing weight, and so far I have succeeded. I also know though that the way I eat will cause me to plateau long before I want too, and my inability to eat raw veggies, is getting in the way. It really is a pain in the butt to always have to steam my veggies, and as such if I am lazy and don't want to be bothered with steaming them, then I grab for what ever else is on hand and easy.

Well today is day number one in my experiment to build up my tolerance to raw veggies again. I know that carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower are the worst, so for now I am staying away from those. I am starting off with cucumber and celery. If after a two weeks I can tolerate those well then I will attempt to add raw broccoli into the mix.

I can feel my throat doing something funny. However it is really the chest pains that get to me so if I can avoid those then I think this is a go.

Hopefully this will also help us with the hole pregnancy stuff. I need to eat healthy if I ever get pregnant and a part of that is veggies. I don't know when, or if I will ever get pregnant. I just want to be as healthy as I can be at that moment. I am right now that healthiest I have been in a few years. I still have more to do, however I know that I have already made the choices I need to continue down the road toward health.

Yesterday really prompted this for me. I was having a rough day, and I ate all the crap I could find in our house. I even went out and bought coke to drink. I found out that a lady in our Church is pregnant. Just a few days after I tell my counsellor I finally am getting it that Jesus not letting us get pregnant right away was the best way He could have loved me because I was so not ready to be a mom back then, I still had a lot of healing to do, and I still have more to go, I find out someone else is pregnant. I feel as though this is a test to see if I really meant what I said. The thing is I know it cannot be a test because I know that Jesus knows I meant what I said, when I said it. It feels like every time I come to a place of peace, someone else gets pregnant. I am not expecting that by coming to a place of peace that I will get pregnant, I just wish I did not feel that it is so up in my face.

I try so blasted hard to follow this diet and to exercise all in the hopes of #1- getting pregnant, and #2 - being healthy. I guess I still have the priorities wrong, and I should reverse those two. However that is still where I am at. I am really doing this in the hopes of getting pregnant. Yes even if I do not get pregnant I have every desire and intention to continue to eat right and workout. And yet I want children.

I know that I have given this all over to Jesus, and I know that his plans are best even when they hurt like hell for me. I know I can trust him, and that He is here with me. And I know his love enables me to face the pain, when all I want to do is run.

Okay so those are my ramblings for today. Take care everyone!

Love Leanne