In A Funk

So I have not been posting too much lately. I actually have been isolating a lot. If it were not for the fact that I have been going to the gym I would blame this last down time on the fertility drugs however I know that is not the case.

This is just another time to come to a place of hurting over not being able to get pregnant. For Jeral's birthday I was really hoping that the last round of fertility drugs would have worked. However that is not what happened. I know that we both just want to start our family, and we are having a tough time understanding why the time is not yet.

I know that when I look back on the last 18 months so much growth has happened. My time with Jesus and Joy in counselling has been huge. And I know that getting pregnant right away would have changed all that has happened. I would not trade the growth and healing that has taken place, even though the pain of not being able to get pregnant in great.

I also would not have changed or given up the time that I have had with Jeral. We have had time to work on our marriage and to make it stronger and better. Yes we have our bad days and our times of struggle and yet I know that our marriage is on much better and stabler ground because of this time together.

And still there is an ache in my heart. I am hurting there is no way around it. Some days are better than others. I am at the point where I have decided not to go to church for the past few Sundays because I find it too hard to go there and see a woman who in now pregnant, with a little miracle (no child is an oppsy even if the child was not planned). It just hurts to much to see other women who may not necessarily want to be pregnant, be pregnant if you know what I mean. I keep asking why is it that they get blessed with the one thing that we want so badly and yet that blessing is with held from us? I know that this is our story, and they have their stories. Knowing that still does not make it any easier.

Some days I wonder if God would just bless us with one child would we (I) be content, and would the pain go away? Or would I just want more? If the day ever comes that I do become pregnant I know that I will cherish my child, and never take them for granted because I did not have to pray and cry for so long.

I am just rambling. Honestly I am just not in a great place right now. I thought finding out that my Ovary Drilling was finally scheduled and taking place on September 8th would help me come to a better place. However not yet. I guess I cannot rely on tings to help me feel better. Oh well I think this rambling has gone on long enough.