Our Week

Wow where to begin? Life has felt like it has been going full tilt a head. Our oldest niece got married last weekend and it was so beautiful. I loved how intentional they both were with what they said to each other. I also loved what my sister in law and brother in law said to both of them in their speeches. They left an open door for both of them to come to them and talk about whatever hurts they had from their childhoods, with a promise to listen and do their best to not be defensive. I loved that! I hope I will have the humility to do that with my children.

So Kenzie has decided to start biting people! Oiy! She has drawn blood on two different kids. Ahhhh talk about embarrassing. One of those kids was Jaris and well the other was my best friends little girl. When Kenzie wants you to back off and get out of her space she bites. I am at a loss with how to correct this behavior. I know there are some who would sway bite back, or give them a smack, or flick her mouth, however all of those ideas are actually illegal in Canada since she is under the age of 2, and if she was over the age of 2 those all leave marks and thus are considered to be criminally chargeable offenses. Plus we have intentionally chosen not to use physical discipline. So for now when one of the kids bites us we tend to yelp as if it hurts so badly to startle them. Often this means there are lots of tears because they get scared from the sheer volume It just means thing may not look all nice and neat for now. I know she will eventually grow out of it, and funny thing is my mom would bite people when she liked them and she told me she was still doing it at the age of 5. So crazy!

Despite the biting going on in our house there is a lot of fun too! Jaris is turning into such a little goof ball! I love watching his smile and his laugh, and just how he will check to see if we are paying attention before he attempts to do something we have asked him not too! I love hearing the two of them playing and laughing at each other. I love watching them play together and I love, absolutely love Jaris toddling over to me and putting his arms up in the air and saying "UP".

On Monday my OBGYN prescribed something to help my body let go of our 7 week (gestationally) old baby. I sobbed in my therapists office, something I had fought doing all weekend due to trying to be as happy as I could be for my niece in the midst of grieving for us. So after spending Tuesday with Jeral's family at a cabin they rented we came home and I took the pills hoping they would work, yet not sure. I did not expect labour to start with in the hour yet it did and for the next 7 hours I cried (partly due to the intense pain and partly because I was sad) as my body let go of one of our little miracles. The reality is my little one is in the arms of Jesus and while I so wish I got to hold him or her. I got to know and dream about him or her for three glorious weeks. While I may not have gotten to hold her in my arms, there will come a day that I get to wrap my arms around him or her, and I look forward to that day. So in the mean time, I am adding to my tattoo. I am having a butterfly added for Kenzie, a dragonfly for Jaris, and two smaller butterflies for the 2 babes we have lost in the past 10 months.

I am not sure how to adequately put into words the loss we feel right now. We are so blessed to have Kenzie and Jaris in our arms every day and to have them in their beds in our home every night, and yet the joy of them does not lessen the heartache and hurt we feel right now. Yet in the three weeks we knew about our little miracle we learned so much and realized how much healing had taken place for me in the past 10 months. However that is for another day, and probably not for the blog. All of that goodness is more or less meant for one on one talks with those I trust.

Well that is all for now. I will eventually get more pictures up again, since I know that most of the blog readers really just want to see my adorable babes! I sure do love them!!!!!

Life and Loss

It is almost 4 am and I am awake. Kenzie woke up crying - she had her shots today. All in all it was a tough day. Jeral and I had hoped that come Monday I would be posting a rather wonderful and lovely post. One which contained much joy and excitement. Instead today our world came crashing down around us.

Three weeks ago we found out that I was pregnant. Shocker I know. I think I was more shocked than anyone. I never thought that being able to conceive naturally would be a part of our journey. Yet as I stood looking at the pregnancy test in almost disbelief (actually I was in so much shock that I had taken a total of 7 tests to make sure) I was filled with excitement and started dreaming about this future child of ours.

I ended up at camp right after I found out. I had agreed to speak for the first week of camp, and trust me had I known I was pregnant I would not have agreed to it. However God knew I love camp and well God also knew about today and how I had my heart ripped out. So I am thankful i got to go to camp and enjoy being back in a place I love, a place I have missed, and a place where I have always been able to feel the presence of my Heavenly Father.

So fast forward to the past week. It has been filled with lots of appointments, and one of them was a dating ultrasound. The tech said a few things that freaked me out, yet I tried as best as I could to let them go and trust God, and trust that I was hearing God. I tried calling my OBGYN today to find out what the results were and there was no one in the office. However I had an appointment at the hospital and the DR. there read the report to me, and in short the report said that this pregnancy is being labeled as a failed pregnancy. There was no detectable fetal poll and the yolk sack was on the small side. My heart ripped out when those words were read to me.

Failed Pregnancy? Really Jesus? Am I hearing this right? This is not fair? I want to just shut down - stop time.

My body is still holding onto the pregnancy for some reason. I know God is capable of a miracle, and yet as I was crying on the way home with the kids in the van, I said "I know you are capable Father, I also know you are not obligated, and I know no matter what you will bring us through." In an email to a friend tonight I said that we our heart broken and trying to understand all of this yet also realizing that it is okay to not get it. If I could totally understand and comprehend all of this then I would not need God.

I will be honest the timing of this sucks. My oldest niece is getting married this weekend and I do not want to be in such a broken place. I worry that if I break down I will ruin the joyous festivities, and that is not what I want. Yet I have been working so hard on accepting what is, and this is what is - my child is with Jesus and while He could chose to give him or her back while his or her body is still in mine - I will be okay if that does not happen. Being okay does not mean all smiles and everything is great. Being okay means accepting what is and grieving through it.

I am not sure what the future holds for us in terms of more children. This I do know, I have two of the most amazing children in the whole wide world in my arms everyday and for that I am thankful, and feel so blessed. If you ever have ever met my children you know how amazing they truly are and if you have not met them well maybe someday you will and then you will understand how blessed I am.

hanging out at campfire!

daddy I want my soother!!!!

Slide time with Dada

Look at me climb, and my dirty face from that yummy chilli

I am a cutie pie!

Beautiful Little Girl!

Wow it has been a while since I posted anything! Sorry for the long absence. I guess life just sort of got busy on us and I have been feeling under the weather a bit so when the kids have been napping, so have I!

I got the amazing privilege of speaking at the camp I used to work at just over a week ago! I was so blessed to get to be there. The speaker originally lined up ended up canceling with only 10 days to go, and so I talked it over with Jeral and we thought we could make it work with the farm and the kids so, I prepped 11 talks in 10 days and off to camp we went. I love how it was a reminder that I cannot do this on my own. I so needed God walking by my side. Helping me to remember that it is really Him who will do the majority of the heart work. I loved getting to tell the staff and Kids over and over again that God loves them, as they are, where they are, and how they are in this exact moment! Something I wish I would have heard more of growing up myself.

Now we are home and everyone is busy getting ready for the up coming wedding of our oldest niece to a wonderful young man who has been in love with her since he was 14. He actually told me when he was 14 that he planned on marrying her some day and that day is 8 days away now! So crazy and so wonderful.

Other than that we are pondering some changes that will most likely be happening in the next year for our family. I love that life is ever evolving and changing! We will write more about the up coming changes for our family at a later date when the time is right.

The kids keep us going non-stop, which is fun. We love being parents, and I will admit having them sleep through the night for the most part helps with the love of it!