Life and Loss

It is almost 4 am and I am awake. Kenzie woke up crying - she had her shots today. All in all it was a tough day. Jeral and I had hoped that come Monday I would be posting a rather wonderful and lovely post. One which contained much joy and excitement. Instead today our world came crashing down around us.

Three weeks ago we found out that I was pregnant. Shocker I know. I think I was more shocked than anyone. I never thought that being able to conceive naturally would be a part of our journey. Yet as I stood looking at the pregnancy test in almost disbelief (actually I was in so much shock that I had taken a total of 7 tests to make sure) I was filled with excitement and started dreaming about this future child of ours.

I ended up at camp right after I found out. I had agreed to speak for the first week of camp, and trust me had I known I was pregnant I would not have agreed to it. However God knew I love camp and well God also knew about today and how I had my heart ripped out. So I am thankful i got to go to camp and enjoy being back in a place I love, a place I have missed, and a place where I have always been able to feel the presence of my Heavenly Father.

So fast forward to the past week. It has been filled with lots of appointments, and one of them was a dating ultrasound. The tech said a few things that freaked me out, yet I tried as best as I could to let them go and trust God, and trust that I was hearing God. I tried calling my OBGYN today to find out what the results were and there was no one in the office. However I had an appointment at the hospital and the DR. there read the report to me, and in short the report said that this pregnancy is being labeled as a failed pregnancy. There was no detectable fetal poll and the yolk sack was on the small side. My heart ripped out when those words were read to me.

Failed Pregnancy? Really Jesus? Am I hearing this right? This is not fair? I want to just shut down - stop time.

My body is still holding onto the pregnancy for some reason. I know God is capable of a miracle, and yet as I was crying on the way home with the kids in the van, I said "I know you are capable Father, I also know you are not obligated, and I know no matter what you will bring us through." In an email to a friend tonight I said that we our heart broken and trying to understand all of this yet also realizing that it is okay to not get it. If I could totally understand and comprehend all of this then I would not need God.

I will be honest the timing of this sucks. My oldest niece is getting married this weekend and I do not want to be in such a broken place. I worry that if I break down I will ruin the joyous festivities, and that is not what I want. Yet I have been working so hard on accepting what is, and this is what is - my child is with Jesus and while He could chose to give him or her back while his or her body is still in mine - I will be okay if that does not happen. Being okay does not mean all smiles and everything is great. Being okay means accepting what is and grieving through it.

I am not sure what the future holds for us in terms of more children. This I do know, I have two of the most amazing children in the whole wide world in my arms everyday and for that I am thankful, and feel so blessed. If you ever have ever met my children you know how amazing they truly are and if you have not met them well maybe someday you will and then you will understand how blessed I am.