Just Ramblings

Later today we drive to my uncle and aunts house for the big Pauls' family Christmas. This year there will only be three family members missing. Which is a first in many years, so that means there will be 37 of us hanging out for the afternoon. It should be a lot of fun. I'll update on that later, and hopefully by then I will have down loaded the Christmas photos.

This is a time of year to celebrate and to be joyful and happy and if I am being honest I would have to say that I have spent the past 2 days numb. It was a year ago December 27th that my dad died. Three days before my wedding, he did not know that I was getting married. The reason being is I did not want him there. When he was a part of my life he was not a very nice man, and he did a lot of things that I am still in counselling trying to sort out and deal with for my self. And after a while he was no longer a part of my life or a part of my life that I would want celebrating the best day of my life to date. The day I married Jeral. When I heard he had died I was torn and conflicted because there was a part of me that was relieved, and then there was a part of me that was sad, and then I just didn't know how to feel. So this was the first Christmas without the obligatory phone call to dad to say "Merry Christmas", and as I reflect about last year at this time and then thought about where I am a year later, I realized one thing, he is dead however my fear of him is not, and it is time to bury that fear. I am so tired of waking up from nightmares crying and trembling in fear. It's time to lay it all to rest and to live in freedom.

I don't necessarily understand why all the thing happened the way they did, and in dad dying there went the last chance to get the answers to the question why? However, one day I think I will all of a sudden understand when I least expect to find the answers I am looking for. I do know this God's timing of my fathers death was perfect. Yes it through a bit of a kink into my wedding, however in the days prior to the wedding I was able to grieve not having a dad to walk me down the isle. And on our wedding night I was able to give myself to my husband, the man I love with all my heart knowing my dad was dead and could never hurt me again.

Grief I was told is a cycle, and there are many layers to it. I know I still have much to grieve in regards to the lose of a father. I now know though that whether my dad was physically alive or not I would still be going through the grieving process, because he wasn't really a dad. I also have to grieve the things that I had hoped for if he would have changed. Now those will never be realized and truthfully I don't think that they ever would have been realized, and so God is his mercy took my dad off of the earth in a very merciful way (trust me heart failure was merciful considering that liver failure and cirrhosis would have been the way he would have gone otherwise).

So I am hoping and praying that in the weeks to come, before I next see Joy that I will have been able to put to rest the fear that still remains alive. I am determined to live the life that I have to its fullest without the fear of him anymore!

Post Christmas Update

I still need to download the pictures from our first Christmas being married. However that will happen after the big Paul's family Christmas on Saturday so the picture update will have to wait until later.

How exciting to spend our first Christmas being married! I loved it. We had my mother and my sister and her husband her (along with their puppy - Oscar). My mom arrived on the 23rd in the late afternoon, and that evening she and I sat down and not only started a puzzle, we finished the 500 piece on that night. Doing a puzzle over the Christmas season has been a tradition for years in the Johnston family. On the 24th my mom and I got cracking making a turkey dinner for that evening. The first turkey dinner I have ever cooked. Thanks mom, I couldn't have done it without you. I even made stuffing and I hate stuffing, however the rest of the family likes it and my husband loves it so stuffing it is! Jocelyn and Chris (my sister and her husband) arrive just after 4 pm and then Jeral's brother's family came over about 4:30 pm (Mark, Jodi, Sarah, Rebekah, James, and Rachel). We finally got around to eating around 5 pm. Only half and hour later that we had planned however that is fine. Jeral's mom called just as we were about to eat, and she made her rounds talking to everyone, and when I say everyone I mean everyone. She even talked to my sister and Chris. We all were rather entertained. After dinner we all went to the Christmas Eve service at our Church in Armstrong. It was nice and short just the way I like it. However it was not a candle light service and I was slightly disappointed with that. I love hoe the church looks when all the lights are off and we only have candle light while singing Silent Night. Maybe next year.

After the Service we came home and had our traditional cheese, sausage, and crackers snack before opening gifts. This was the first year in years that we opened gifts on Christmas Eve. Normally my sister and I have always insisted on opening gifts on Christmas day. However my mom sided with the boys and so it was Christmas Eve! I felt very spoiled. We got a fondue set from Mark and Jodi. I got a Willow Tree figure and a gift certificate to Micheal's (yeah for more yard to make blankets to give away, thanks mom), a hair dyer (much needed so I can put the old on in the painting room and just use it for that), candles, a heater for my special room upstairs, a ball cap (New England Patriots my fave NFL team), and the movie Hairspray. Jeral got lots of gift certificates to Marks Work Wearhouse, and starbucks, as well as a carry case for his laptop, some books, some shirts, and ipod speakers.

Later that night as we went to bed Jeral came into the room with a card for me, and in the card was $100 to go towards something very important to me, I had to fight crying because I felt so blessed and so undeserving of the love he gives to me.

Christmas morning we all slept in. Once we got up we had our traditional waffle brunch, and then it was time to open stockings. The rest of the day we just lay on couches and relaxed and played with the puppy who would whimper and cry if we left him alone in the laundry room. Mom, Jocelyn and Chris all left later on the 25th and Jeral and I had the evening together. We watched a movie and almost fell asleep, so we decided to go to bed, and well I was surprised yet again when I went to our room. I had asked Jeral for a large teddy bear and I thought he just didn't want to share a bed with it so I wasn't getting one and i was okay with that. So imagine my face when I walk into the room and see a large teddy bear sitting on my side of the bed. This time the tears flowed. Poor Jeral was soaked. I truly am blessed to be married to him and I am so very much in love with him. And yes I still sleep with teddy bears! And this one sleeps with Jeral and I . Good thing we have a king sized bed.

Well that is all for now. I will write more and add pictures in the next few days. Blessings and I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and a fabulous New Year!

Merry Christmas!

I don't think that i am going to have much time to blog over the next few days, so I just wanted to say MERRY CHRISTMAS! And also I hope that this coming year is Amazing for you all.
Now how is that for short!

Grandma's Legacy

About a week ago Jeral and I went to Kelowna for the day. We got some much needed shopping done. I normally like to have my Christmas shopping done by now. However I can have some grace for myself considering this is our first Christmas being married and we have new family members on both sides. It takes a bit to figure out what to get for all the new family members.

After we did our shopping we went to my grandma's place, where my cousin and I made dinner for the 4 of us (Grandma, Char, Jeral and myself). It was a very yummy dinner. Homemade Chicken Cordon Blue, brown rice, ,mixed veggies and caesar salad, with apple pie and ice cream for dessert. Grandma always feel badly that now her grandchildren come and cook for her. However, I personally think it is about time we young ones do things for her. Growing up I remember grandma making the best perishki(not sure how to spell it), perogies, homemade soups, zwiebach. If we were going to grandma's house we knew we would be fed well. Once grandma went blind well her cooking was never the same, and understandably so. As grandma gets on in her years the reality is that she will not be around forever. This time that reality sunk in a little more. Over the years grandma has had many health issues, and she always seems to bounce back, and I have seen her in the hospital on numerous occasions, and for some reason she looked the most frail she ever has to me during this last visit. Normally grandma gets up and meets us at the door. This time she was barely off the couch by the time I got in and brought all the food to the kitchen.

Even though grandma is physically frail, she is no slouch in the spiritual world. My grandma is a huge prayer warrior. For as long as I can remember she has signed all my birthday cards, "Love your Praying Grandma". If I needed someone to pray I knew I could always count on grandma to be willing to pray and most often before I would even ask her to pray about something she had been praying for quite some time already.

It may be true that my grandma can no longer cook and host people the way she used to. However she can still pray. That is one thing age cannot take away from her. Actually I think that her prayer life has gotten sweeter with age, and as a grandchild of hers I am happy that they legacy she has left to us is not a legacy of cooking, instead it is a legacy of prayer. And I for one will miss her prayers when she is gone. So until that day I plan on asking her to pray for lots.

On a funny note. Apparently my grandma is also a little bit of a sweet talker, because even in the midst of a busy schedule grandma still gets my husband to agree to make more trips out to visit. I shake my head sometimes at that and then laugh.

Somthing to Think About!

I have really enjoyed reading Henri Nouwen books as of late. I think what I really enjoy is that he is a man who speaks from the deep and wounded places of his heart. Places where he allowed Jesus to enter and to heal. Last year just before my wedding I bought a book entitled "THE INNER VOICE OF LOVE: A JOURNEY THROUGH ANGUISH TO FREEDOM". I Have have been slowly reading through the little readings, and few nights ago I read the "Take Up Your Cross Reading". Let me just say that it was not your typical take up your cross and carry it pep talk. So here is what Henri Nouwen has to say about "Taking Up Your Cross."

Taking Up Your Cross

Your pain is deep, and it won't just go away. It is also uniquely yours, because it is linked to some of your earliest life experiences.

Your call is to bring that pain home. As long as your wounded part remains foreign to your adult self, your pain will injure you as well as others. Yes, you have to incorporate you pain into your self and let it bear fruit in your heart and the hearts of others.

This is what Jesus means when he asks you to take up your cross. He encourages you to recognize and embrace your suffering and to trust that your way to salvation lies therein. Taking up you cross means, first of all, befriending your wounds and letting them reveal to you your own truth.

There is great pain and suffering in the world. But the pain that is the hardest to bear is your own. Once you have taken up that cross, you will be able to see more clearly the crosses that others have to bear, and you will be able to reveal to them their own ways to joy, peace, and freedom.

As I sit to ponder these words a little more I must admit that I find them hard words to read, because of how closely they hit home for me. How could such deep and horrible wounds have any truth to offer? And there is no truth outside of Jesus Christ. I think this is what is meant. In the deepest wounding's of our heart and childhood Jesus has some very freeing and powerful truths to reveal to us. However our wounds also shout out at us some very big lies that first must be silenced before we can even hear the loving quiet gentle whisper of Jesus' love and truth to us. Also how often do we run from Jesus because we feel our wounding's are so shameful that He could never love us or forgive us. It is only when we can embrace our deep hurts and pain and face them that they no longer force us to run and instead we can run into to the loving arms or Jesus and therein find our freedom and salvation. Only in Jesus!

Bearing our own pain is the hardest. I find it way easier to enter into someone else's pain, and to cry with them, because I know their pain is not my pain and I can leave it behind. I know that sounds so cruel. And yet it is true. I would rather face the pain of my friends than face my own, and yet I know there is truth in saying that we must first face our own to to be able to better help our friends in their times of pain, or to help others who have similar pain.

Case in point, my counsellor, if she would not have chosen to face her pain and wounding's years ago, and continue to choose and embrace those pains, she would not be nearly as effect in helping me to face my pain. Because she has been on my side of the room sitting on the couch sobbing (not that I have sobbed yet, and I know she is waiting for that to happen), and because her pain is similar to mine I don't have to go into the brutal details all the time. She understands, and knowing that makes it much easier and I feel safer in her presence. Seeing where she is today and how healthy she is, helps me to know that one day the pain will not hurt as much, and knowing that she has walked the road before me passes onto me hope. So then it is true that when we are able to embrace and face our pain, that act enables us then to help others in ways we could not otherwise.

I have lots more to say on this and yet I think that I will end here for today. May we all find the strength we need to embrace and carry our crosses (pain and hurt).

Taking A Break

Well where do I begin. I have not been a peace lately about a lot of things. I have been feeling anxious about this upcoming Christmas. I have been feeling really anxious about us trying to get pregnant, and then feeling as though I was a failure as a wife and woman every month I was not pregnant. As I took time to reflect with a trusted and very appreciated woman in my life I realized that since Jeral and I got married there has not been a time when I was relaxed, and rested. When we first got married I was working with a very stressful group of kids. I loved those kids like crazy, and yet working with them was very stressful. I came home grumpy and cranky, and Jeral was the one who had to deal with me. I always felt awful about that and would tend to retreat to our room and when I would hear Jeral coming to bed I would quickly turn off the lights and pretend to be asleep just so I wouldn't have to talk anymore that day.

Once we decided that I would not work outside of the home anymore we immediately started fertility drugs, with the hope that they would help us get pregnant. Well they haven't and I am even more off my rocker on the fertility drugs than I was when I was working. Some days I am grumpy, and can cry at the drop of a hat, and because I don't want anyone to see me cry I drop whatever I am doing and run out of the room. We traded one crazy stress for another. And with this last round of drugs not working I was dreading having to start another round. Seriously I have entered into some very dark places being on the drugs and I knew I couldn't do that again, especially with Christmas coming up. Both December and January have some very painful memories for me as a child and adult. So to add clomid and progesterone into the mix was not something I wanted to do.

Therefore we are taking a break. A year long break. I know WHAT????? I felt very strongly that Jesus was asking me to give Him a year where trying to get pregnant wasn't such a huge focus for me. A year where I wasn't working and could learn to rest, relax, have fun, and work on healing some of my most painful memories as a child. At first my reaction was well I guess I don't have a choice Jesus since you are God you will do what you want to do. And as I told this to Joy, she said something that hit me. She said, "Leanne I wish you loved your self enough to say okay what can I do in the next year to take care of myself and become healthy, so I can be the best mom possible to a little girl someday." What got me was the phrase "I wish you loved your self enough". The reality is that I have also struggled with not feeling good about myself and not really even liking myself. Something that I am working on big time. And I also always feel that I have to justify resting and now not working. Therefore taking this break is not just about trying to get my body to better place of health before a baby it is also about learning to love myself as Jesus loves me so I can then be a mom who loves her children whether they are biological or adopted and also be a mom who can model to her children loving oneself, and being content in who I am knowing that others may not always have good opinion of me, and that is okay. Still working on that!

So here is to taking a break!

It's Beginning to Look A lot Like Christmas

So today is December 2, 2007 and even though I started getting things ready for Christmas back in November I added a few finishing touches to the house today. I have blown whatever budget I had for decorations and yet I think it is worth it. And I am just getting started! Bring on Christmas this year

The random display case that I thought was useless and no I found a reason for having it. More decorations to come in following week though!

Our Christmas Tree. I am a little anal about the tree, so in the future our children will have to have there own "special" tree so mine can be the way I want it to be.

Coffee table Center Piece. I believe that these are bits and pieces from the head table at our wedding almost a year ago.

The banister going upstairs!

The living room as seen from the kitchen island.

Foyer Entrance decoration. This is the first thing you see upon entering our house!

Door Wreath. Still not sure if this is what I want outside yet. However it will have to do for this year.

The floating shelves in our Kitchen. I love decorating!

Dinning table center piece. I still have to sew a table runner to go underneath it.

My dollar store Nativity set! Gotta love the dollar store, and look at the flash reflection in the glass. It looks like the star above the manger!

Love you gotta have LOVE somewhere in a home when celebrating Christmas, because what Jesus did for us was and is all about LOVE!