Taking A Break

Well where do I begin. I have not been a peace lately about a lot of things. I have been feeling anxious about this upcoming Christmas. I have been feeling really anxious about us trying to get pregnant, and then feeling as though I was a failure as a wife and woman every month I was not pregnant. As I took time to reflect with a trusted and very appreciated woman in my life I realized that since Jeral and I got married there has not been a time when I was relaxed, and rested. When we first got married I was working with a very stressful group of kids. I loved those kids like crazy, and yet working with them was very stressful. I came home grumpy and cranky, and Jeral was the one who had to deal with me. I always felt awful about that and would tend to retreat to our room and when I would hear Jeral coming to bed I would quickly turn off the lights and pretend to be asleep just so I wouldn't have to talk anymore that day.

Once we decided that I would not work outside of the home anymore we immediately started fertility drugs, with the hope that they would help us get pregnant. Well they haven't and I am even more off my rocker on the fertility drugs than I was when I was working. Some days I am grumpy, and can cry at the drop of a hat, and because I don't want anyone to see me cry I drop whatever I am doing and run out of the room. We traded one crazy stress for another. And with this last round of drugs not working I was dreading having to start another round. Seriously I have entered into some very dark places being on the drugs and I knew I couldn't do that again, especially with Christmas coming up. Both December and January have some very painful memories for me as a child and adult. So to add clomid and progesterone into the mix was not something I wanted to do.

Therefore we are taking a break. A year long break. I know WHAT????? I felt very strongly that Jesus was asking me to give Him a year where trying to get pregnant wasn't such a huge focus for me. A year where I wasn't working and could learn to rest, relax, have fun, and work on healing some of my most painful memories as a child. At first my reaction was well I guess I don't have a choice Jesus since you are God you will do what you want to do. And as I told this to Joy, she said something that hit me. She said, "Leanne I wish you loved your self enough to say okay what can I do in the next year to take care of myself and become healthy, so I can be the best mom possible to a little girl someday." What got me was the phrase "I wish you loved your self enough". The reality is that I have also struggled with not feeling good about myself and not really even liking myself. Something that I am working on big time. And I also always feel that I have to justify resting and now not working. Therefore taking this break is not just about trying to get my body to better place of health before a baby it is also about learning to love myself as Jesus loves me so I can then be a mom who loves her children whether they are biological or adopted and also be a mom who can model to her children loving oneself, and being content in who I am knowing that others may not always have good opinion of me, and that is okay. Still working on that!

So here is to taking a break!