Beauty From Pain

Those who are totally converted come to every experience and ask not whether they liked it, but what does it have to teach them. "What's the message in this for me? What is the gift in this for me? How is God in this event? Where is God in this suffering?"

Richard Rohr


Beauty From Pain - Superchick

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

15 Months!

Today is 15 wonderful months of marriage, to the most amazing man in the whole wide world. I have a bit of a confession some nights when I cannot sleep I just stare at Jeral at Jeral and wonder how I ended up with such an amazing man. The answer is simply that my Heavenly DADA wanted to bless me and give me a wonderful gift in you Jeral David Krahn! I love you more and more every day.

I look forward to many more months and years a head of us. What ever God's will is for us I know we will make it through to the other side together.

I love you! Always and forever!!!!!!

My Love and Best Friend

I had a bit of a rough night last night. Jeral and I sat down to watch "Open", the latest Nooma video to come out. The short 10 minute video is about prayer. The question is asked why does God seem to answer some prayers and not others, or is that He answers all prayers and sometimes the answer is no! Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane (I cannot spell sorry), to have the cup taken from Him, he told God the Father how he felt he cried out in anguish, and then he had the courage to say, "Your will not mine be done."

After the video I went upstairs drew a bath and sobbed, because as much as I want to be obedient to God and be able to say your will be done in regards to my getting pregnant, I know if God gave me the choice to be in control and do what I want, I would. I would be pregnant with Jeral's child right now. After about an hour I came downstairs and told Jeral how I felt. His immediate response was just to snuggle and hold me.

Then this morning came, and Jeral held me in his arms just before he went off to the barns and he said, "I love you first!" That was his way of once again reminding me he loves me more than anything. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful husband. Jeral truly is my best friend and the love I prayed for, for so long. Thanks DADA God for bringing us together.

Happy Easter

Wow so we have celebrated Easter. One thing that I was struck by is the fact that we all get so somber during Good Friday. I know that is the day that 2000 plus years ago Christ died. However seriously do we have to be so somber now. I agree it is good to remember and even necessary to remember, and yet I don't think that the church service on Good Friday needs to be all somber and sad and then make us wait until Sunday to rejoice. Let be rejoicing and dancing now, because HE IS ALIVE!!!!! Okay that is my little tangent.

Easter was good. This year we went to visit my mom, and my sister, as well as my cousin and her husband were over also. Good fun times. My husband is so adorable, when I woke up yesterday and came down stairs he had placed a little stuffed bunny along with some chocolate on the counter for me. I love that man. He is my mister cuddle buns!!!!;)

Tomorrow Jeral's parents are here for a night. I know he is looking forward to seeing them and I am in a much better place this time. No fertility drugs pumping through me yeah! I must say that I am celebrating for myself the fact that my anxiety levels are not through the roof, and I am not freaking that it will be at least 4 more weeks until I see Joy. For me this is evidence that I am growing and changing and becoming a healthier person.

Well blessings to all of you and I hope you all had a fantastic Easter!

Trying to Be the GOOD Christian Girl

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That about says it all as nicely as I can say it. Lately I feel as though I am trying so hard to be a good Christian girl, and coming up short. And by this I mean rejoicing and being happy and joyful in all circumstances. It is hard to be joyful all the time, especially when you just find out that you have two more friends who have just gotten pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I am excited for them, and in the same breathe I am crying within my heart.

I committed to giving God this year, not that I totally understand why He has asked us too. I love my husband more than anyone or anything, it just gets so hard, when every night we are playing pool, or playing crib he tells me he really wants a baby. And we keep hearing wait from God. When God adopted me as his daughter he didn't get a perfectly behaved daughter. He got a rebellious daughter, who will do her best to obey and yet question and fight with Him.

I can rejoice in the fact that I have a lovely home, financially we are well off, I have a great car, I have some much, and yet honestly I would give that all up, the money, the house, the car, everything just to have my baby kick me in the stomach as we wait for her arrival in to the world. Or to hold her in my arms.

I know that trying for a year isn't forever, nor is waiting on God for a year forever. It just feels as though it is when you are in the midst of it.

And yet for this I am thankful and can rejoice, I have a husband who loves me and that will never change. So thank you Lord for that!

Trip To Osoyoos

So my wonderful husband and I took a trip to Osoyoos last weekend. Since we had shipped our chickens to the processing plant we were able to get away fora few days. SOOOOOOO nice!!!!!

We stayed at a very nice place. We had our own suite and I must say I didn't mind cooking there at all. Seeing that I could just start the dish washer and someone else would come and put them back in the cupboards was a definite bonus.

So while we were there we spent an afternoon with my grandparents. We found out that my Uncle Dave (my grandpa's son) is dying of kidney cancer, and he does not qualify for a transplant so they have given him and year, and on top of that we also found out that my grandma has cancer and has opted out of treatment. My grandpa has been fight cancer for 15 years, and he is now withering away. None of them are walking with Jesus so this is heavy on my heart. Every time we even bring up Jesus/God or anything along those lines the defenses come flying up and the cursing starts so right now we are just praying and trusting Jesus that he knows what he is doing.

While we were there something else interesting happened. We went to my Father's grave. I had his Bibles that I wanted to leave there, as well as a letter from me. Funny thing is that when we got there we couldn't find his grave anywhere. We spent an hour trying to find it and just couldn't. AHHHHHH! We were pretty sure we knew where it was, however there was NOTHING to mark it at all. We even called my Aunt Cindy out (my grandpa's daughter). I was getting very frustrated when I felt Jesus say " YOU DON'T NEED TO BE AT HIS GRAVE TO RELEASE ALL PAIN, HURT, ANGER, SADNESS, AND CONFUSION." So after my aunt left I say down at one of the three possible graves that it could be and read the letter I wrote. A letter that went from one end of the spectrum to the other and ending in forgiveness (it was a long letter). Then the wind picked up and it blew straight through me. If you have had had this happen you what I am am talking about. It was a strange and yet wonderful feeling, and then I felt Jesus saying, "JUST AS THERE IS NO MARKER OF HIS LIFE, THERE ARE NO MARKS LEFT ON YOU MARKS LEFT ON YOU FROM WHAT HE DID." Talk about freeing. I know I still have a journey a head of me, however I have this mental and heart maker of no mark, to come back to when I need to. And as such Jeral and I have decided that we are not going to put a mark on my Dad's grave. If someone else wants to then that is fine, however for me I will never be going back there anyways, so it is time to let go, release the past and keep walking in the direction Jesus is calling me to.

This is all that there is to mark my father's enterance and exit from life. That he has finally found the peace he never had here on earth.