Pain Vs. Suffering

I posted a few posts back a little bit about my being in process about my theology of suffering. I must admit that I have appreciated reading lots of book by authors, such as Henri Nouwen, Brennan Manning, and Richard Rohr, whom all happen to be Catholic. What I appreciate is the understanding of suffering that they all come from. Lets face it and be honest Catholics do have a well developed theology on suffering, and while I agree with and appreciate much of what I have read. I feel that there is still something missing, and that is the differentiation between pain and suffering.

I have all recently been listening to sermons by the speakers from Nexus, and sermons by Rob Bell on suffering. They have lots of good stuff to say. I still have a few more sermons to listen too and I think I will search out and few more sermons by others.

As I was saying in the first paragraph, I think and please remember that this is still in progress for me, that we need to understand that there is a difference between pain and suffering. Too often we as humans link the two and say they come together. However when we talk about them and describe them we would say that pain is something we feel (aka a feeling/emotion/something physical), and suffering is something we experience, something that happens after and the feeling of pain has occurred. Suffering and pain actually are separate, and do not need to be side by side.

For me the question I am grappling with is since I believe and know that pain and suffering are two separate events then where is the fine line between acknowledging and feeling the pain that comes into our live, or sitting in it to the point that the pain turns into suffering?

Another question is will we let our pain make us bitter, or better? If we choose to become bitter then we are choosing to allow our pain to turn into suffering. In essence we have needlessly chosen to suffer. If we choose the path of BETTER the pain is not nullified and escaped it is acknowledged and then we can ask Jesus ,"okay what next?"

For example - the whole fertility journey has at times for me been a journey that has been filled with suffering because I was becoming very bitter. Now I have chosen to say what next. I want to be better. Being better look like going to the gym and working out, becoming healthy. It also means acknowledging the pain I sometimes feel when it comes. Such as last Sunday "Father's Day", when a lovely woman in our church said that Jeral could join the fathers in line because he was going to be a father some day. For me at that point I burst into tears, and needed to leave the room. I was able to come back and enjoy the festivities after I had allowed my hurt to be felt and seen by others (not that i enjoy that part). Bitterness would have kept me from going back into the room and enjoying all the yummy food.

So I know this is not a complete though process yet, and that is okay. I am a work in progress. As much as I still grapple with where is the line between pain and suffering I also know that if I focus in on never ever crossing over the line then I enter into the arena of legalism. Ultimately in the end I need to stay focused and fixed on Jesus and what He is doing in me and through me, even when I myself do not understand it. Truthfully in the end of all this thinking and wanting to figure it out I am still in many ways a little girl who at the end of the day wants to crawl up into her Heavenly DADA's lap and know He love me.

Back On Fertility Drugs

So the title says it all. Yep I am back on fertility drugs. Namely Clomid. I went to see my doctor last week Friday to ask to be sent to and Endocrinologist (they specialize in hormone imbalances), and asked her about some other fertility drugs such as Femara (also used in treating cancer patients). She was good about everything and admitted that this fertility stuff is not her specialty, in fact she said she was clueless. And as such only wanted to prescribe what she knows and is comfortable with. So back on clomid, and we have upped the dosage of another drug that will help with all this hopefully.

In all the books I have been reading on PCOS, they all say that woman with PCOS need to give clomid at least 5 - 6 months to work. Oiy! We only gave it two months. So in combination with exercising an hour a day at least, and changing my eating habits, we are back on the clomid. And I must say that I think all doctors who prescribe clomid need to really stress that the patient needs to exercise. Seriously the side effects I felt last time are not nearly as bad, actually I think that the exercising everyday has nullified the moodiness. We'll see what happens next month. I guess I just need to keep exercising. Thank goodness I have a treadmill at home for the days getting into Vernon is next to impossible. I also just bought a few weights so I can work on toning body parts. Slow progress and yet I know it will be worth it.

Side note my sister's pregnancy is going well. A little over a week ago we got a bit of a scare when she was bleeding. So far though all the ultra sounds have been good and the baby has a good steady heart beat. So it is looking like early February I will be and Aunty!

Getting my Butt Kicked!

So I have started going to the gym with my friend Karen (pronounced car-rin, it's South African). The above title is suitable since yeah I am getting my butt kicked in a good way. I must say I like the idea of going to a gym better than buying all the equipment and working out at home. This way I have lots of motivation. A friend to go with, and money is going out monthly, so I had better use it.

Plus oh gym equipment is so much nicer than the stuff you can buy for using at home. At least I have found that running on the treadmill at the gym is different than at home. The treadmill I have a t home I feel like I am going to break it every time I start to run, because it shakes and rattles. The gym treadmill is nice and not has hard on my knees.

I have been doing a class with my friend called Body Pump, it is a one hour class in which we work the different muscle groups in our body with continuous repetitions. I am so sore at the end of it and that is so good. All in all I am excited because I am also loosing weight as I do this. So far to date about 18 pounds in total. I am so stoked about that.

I have a few goals and when I reach those goals I have a plan to celebrate them.

I started off at 260 pounds (I am a big curavtious woman and proud of it)

At 210 (50 pounds lost) I get to go get the butterfly tattoo I want.
At 199 ( no longer in the 200) I am going to go shopping for a few new clothing items, and I will wear the little cute brown dress I bought for my honeymoon that now does not fit me.
At 175 (a lose of 85 pounds) I am going furniture shopping with my husband or we are going away on a cruise, on of those two things!!!!!:)

I have a few other things I am planning to do a long the way. However the above mentioned are the big ones.

Well I shall go finish making supper and then out to coach soccer!

So I am in process as we all are in process. I was able to see my counsellor this past week. What a blessing to have her in my life. Honestly she is one of the few people who can say things to me and I don't want to rebel. I was challenged by her to accept what is a few weeks ago and this time she did the same.

She also challenged me to differentiate between pain and suffering. Often we as humans pair the two. Pain is something that none of us can escape. Suffering however is something that we add on top of by our choices. We suffer when we look at life's events as unfair, and when we believe that God is up there pulling levers to make things happen. So for me part of my suffering is that I believe God is up there pulling the pregnancy lever for my sister and a ton of my friends and for me He put the breaks that lever. Yes it hurts big time that everyone around me has children and or are pregnant. However I have also been choosing to suffer because I believe God is unfair. Instead of acknowledging the pain (it's there and ignoring it is not healthy), and giving it to God and then looking for the gifts that I have been given, I have refused and fought with God and only looked for the gift I want.

I have been given the gift of seeing Joy, and I have needed that. Being pregnant would take that gift away. I have been given the gift of a chance to become healthy. I have to choose to accept that gift. Which I will say right here and now I am choosing to accept that gift. I have on numerous occasion said I have been blessed with a lovely home and a wonderful husband, and I have been. Yes these gifts do not take away the pain, however pain is something we all as humans must face and live with, suffering on the other hand is not something we have to live with.

I started reading a book I ordered a few weeks ago entitled, "A Patients Guide to PCOS: Understanding and Reversing Polycyctic Ovary Syndrome", by Walter Futterweit. Seriously for those of my friends who are struggling with fertility due to PCOS this is a good book to read. I am finding it valuable even in the information it gives that will help me tell my doctor what I need.

Well that is all for now.

I am Going to Be an Aunty

Well the title says it all. My sister called me today to tell me that she is pregnant.

If I am being honest I have a mix of emotions. I want to be happy and excited for her, and at the same time my deepest pain and wound gets opened a little wider with this news.

Lord I know that my sister and I have different stories. Can you please help me to understand mine a little better so this will hurt a little less? I guess in about 8 months I will be welcoming a new nephew or niece into the world. I pray that I will be the best auntie that I can be and that my new niece or nephew to be will never ever doubt my love for him or her.