Surrender

Hmmmmm. I have been silent for a bit in part because I have been processing lots. I have taken a few people by surprise with where I am at in regards to finding out my uterus also has complications besides my ovaries having issues.

So back ground info - last week after months of getting what felt like the run around I had my HSG (a test where they inject radioactive dye into my uterus to see if there are blocks in it). The test did not go well, and due to the way that area of my body went into spasm I most likely will have to have the test done again just to make sure that what they think are blockages and obstructions really are blockages and obstructions. Needless to say I am not to happy about the idea of having to endure the test again.

After 27 months of praying and begging God to heal my uterus I am in a place of finally once and for all surrendering. When I was asked by someone if she could pray and how did I want God to heal me my response was, " I am tired of fighting with God on this and demanding what I want. God does not have to heal me, I am more than okay with adopting my children, and maybe this is the journey God has for us. All I know is that I am tired of heaping more suffering onto an already painful journey. I am just to tired to fight anymore, and I know that even when I have more energy again I do not plan to grab on and start fighting."

I know that not everyone is in this place in their own journey and I in no way want to negate that there are friends of mine who desire very much so for God to heal them and give them biological children. I am not trying to be insensitive, to the pain, hurt, and confusion the journey of infertility brings with it. This is just where we are at, and I will continue to pray for my friends where they are at, and for their hearts desires.

I used to dread being one of those women whose wombs was never opened just so I could journey empathetically alongside others who are walking this journey of fertility struggles. I was so opposed to the idea that I would tell God that the only way God could redeem my pain would be for God to give me biological babies - no way was I even willing to acknowledge that God could and might want to redeem this pain in another way. I am still not sure how God God plans to redeem this painful journey, and yet I am beginning to open my eyes to some possible ways. The journey still has its painful days, yet maybe just maybe now the extra suffering that I have been heaping on my self will be significantly less.