Broken Hearted

Jaris gently giving water to Blackie. We are working on being gentle all the way around. The kids need to learn to be gentle and Blackie needs to learn to be gentle too!

Just relaxing one afternoon. Jeral took a break to watch the kids so I could quickly do something and when I came outside this is what I sort of saw!  They were all laying on the ground snuggled with Blackie.

Just chilling under the gazebo

Early morning snuggles with two of three miracles!  Being a mom is the best job in the world. 

It seems that the past few weeks have finally caught up to me emotionally. Saturday was my breaking point. The last time I honestly cried like that was almost three years ago.  I was blessed though by my husband who when I told him I needed to just get away and journal he said to go!  That evening I began to understand why not just writing, but also saying things aloud is important.  While writing in my journal I got a little tears eyed, yet it was not until later when I spoke some thing aloud that the damn broke and the release my body, mind, and soul had been craving finally happened. 

We are on a steep learning curve right now and I have days I feel alone and lost. Yet I know this too will pass.  This is a season. 

About a week ago I was reminded of a scene in Lord of the Rings. The Ents go to battle and theropod gates are opened wide. Everything caught in the path of the enormous rushing water gets swept away. Yet the Ents who have enough time to dig their roots down deep into the ground do not get swept away. They are able to stand against the rushing waters. They still feel the pressure of the water pushing past them, trying to sweep them away. They even have to put their "heads own and push against the rushing water at times. Yet because they are rooted they are not swept away. For us, for me staying rooted is digging down deep into the love of Jesus. 

Hot tubs and Renos

Hayden had his 9 month check up on Tuesday. My GP keeps commenting that there must be Viking blood in our family because the boys are both so big and tall for their age!  I had to admit that yes on my day's side of the family there is Viking in the mix!  Hayden is slightly behind in motor skills however at this stage o one is worried as the reason or this is his size. Both boys have had the unfortunate reality of of needing to grow into their size. The big thing we are constantly looking for at his check ups is his social milestones. I will honestly admit that I have days that I am terrified that Hayden will also end up on the Autism Spectrum. I know if this were the case I would be okay and my love for him would not change. I also know it would be a struggle to have two children and a husband with neurological disorders. Yet in that struggle there would also be amazing times as well. However for now there are definitely no concerns. I sure do enjoy all the smiles and snuggles I get from this little (okay not so little) guy!

We had an interesting afternoon, and "hot tubs" (more like lukewarm) were a part of this!  They sure made everything wet!  Yet they had a great time and a fond memory was created!

A rare photo these days!  Kenzie actually staying still long enough for me to take a picture!  She was showing off her lips which she had coloured yellow!  Seriously I feels as though I turn my back for a second and Kenzie and Jaris totally take advantage and get into all sorts of trouble. 

A few books that I ordered came in the mail this week. They are books on Autism Spectrum Disorder. In truth I am not sure why I ordered them as I do not have enough time to read these days.  I have tried to a few times when the kids nd I got out to the back yard. However anytime I sit o read the kids are right there climbing on me or Blackie is trying to jump up on me. I know I will eventually get to read again. Life with 3 age 3 and under for now is dictating that I do other things!

Our bathroom renos got into full swing today. The shower has been framed, the pocket door are framed and up, and a few other things are under way!  I am so pumped for this bathroom Reno!  I am even more pumped for the huge shower we are going to have at the end of this!  I will post pictures of the Reno later!

Life in Pictures and Little Lessons Along the Way

So I am trying a post with the Blogger App on my iPad. This post is mostly pictures off of my iPhone from the past few weeks since my gall bladder surgery!

Cuddles with Auntie Karen. We got to go out for lunch with Karen today. It had been way too long since we had last seen her. It was good for my heart to get to have lunch with my daughter and my friend. After Kenzie and I took the afternoon to go shopping and spend time together!  I love mommy/daughter days!

We were getting the hanging baskets and the planters filled with flowers the other day and this cute little boy was playing outside while we worked!  I love his expressive face!

The other morning Jeral came downstairs to find Jaris asleep on the floor. He must have looked for us in our room only he could night find us because we are sleeping on the floor in Kenzie's room while our bathroom renos are taking place. 

I bought us new bedding for when our bathroom and bedroom renos are done. I just decided to use it now!  I love pillows!  Lots and lots of pillows. 

My mom has been here for a good chunk of this month helping out as I recover. Hayden loves Grandma time that is for sure!  The other two are ready to go back to just being the 5 of us though!  However they will have to wait just a bit because I still technically am not allowed to pick them up. However what I am allowed to do at this point and what I do are two different things. 

So we added to our family yet again. Meet Blackie!  He is a Merrema Sheep Dog/Black Lab Chow mix.   He is still adjusting to us and we are still adjusting to him!  Luckily for us the family we got him from has agreed to board him for us while we go to Calgary to visit my sisters family. 

Jeral has done a lot of work taking apart our master bathroom so the work on it can begin. After a day of taking down a wall and pulling apart moldy boards Kenzie had daddy sit down so she could clean his dusty head!

Jaris loves the water and anytime he is outside he wants me to turn on the water hose so he can play!

The night before Mothers Day 2 of 3 miracles decided they wanted to stay up late and snuggle with me!  I love how snugly my kids are.   They also got me the best Mother's Day gift. It was a new comfy chair and ottoman for my office. They got it for me early an it was the best gift ever as right after my surgery I basically slept sitting up in the chair. It was the only was I could sleep as laying down hurt way to much!  Besides my chair for my office they spoiled me and got me an iPad mini (I had the iPad2).  We wanted a smaller screen and we gave the iPad2 to some special for helping us out so much. I know we could have sold it, however I prefer to bless others if and when we can!

Hayden has taken to wanting to eat whatever we are eating. He will refuse to eat unless we feed him what everyone else is eating. It is crazy how fast my baby is becoming a big boy!

One of the last bath times I the double jacuzzi!  I sure do love my boys and know how encredibly privileged I am to be there mom!

Blowing bubbles is a very fun past time in this household!

Siblings playing well together!  Yes there re times when they play well together!

And photo prof the he is eating like a big boy now!  He is so cute!  Yep blessed to be his mommy!

Life is never dull around here. I was thinking today about how our lives have changed since Hayden was born. The last 9 months have been full that is for sure and in reality the last 3 weeks have altered our lives in many ways.  

Two days ago Kenzie asked me if I was happy. This is not an uncommon question coming from her. She asks about 10 times or more a day. Normally my response is yes I am happy because I get to be your mommy and that makes me happy. I don't want to bog her down with the events of the last few weeks, and in reality not all of what happened is age appropriate for her to know. However this time I told Kenzie I was not really all that happy, and I told her in an age appropriate manner why!  In the end we had a great talk about secrets and how keeping secrets even if we think we are protecting others, or trying to protect ourselves can actually do more harm than good and that is why we will never keep it a secret that Kenzie is adopted. Then I told her once again the story of how Kenzie came to be our daughter and we talked about the woman who carried Kenzie for mommy and daddy.  Kenzie even said her name before I could and then Kenzie said, " Sometimes I am sad and miss "G", and then I think of you mommy and I am not sad anymore!"  I know on many levels Kenzie does not fully understand what it means to be adopted, yet I know as she grows up so will her understanding of what it means for her to be adopted. As her understanding grows we will have any more questions and emotions that will come up. It is my desire that I will  be able to acknowledge and allow her to express what she needs to regardless of how it may pain me because I know that this is her journey and she deserves the truth, and to have her feelings acknowledged with out me making it about me. I love the lessons my beautiful children are teaching me! I love that they are reminders that there is more to life and God than what my pride dictates to me there is. Children many times are the best teachers, and I love that I am blessed enough to learn from mine!

Autism Spectrum Disorder

Autism Spectrum Disorder - those were word we thought we were prepared to hear.  After all for the past year we have been actively seeking an assessment and so going into Jaris' appointment this past Monday I thought I would be okay hearing those words.  Yet deep down in my heart I really did not want to hear those words.  Yet those were the words we heard around lunch time on Monday May 6th, 2013. 

Jeral and I sat across the table from the pediatrician and the psychologist and as they said out loud that everything is pointing Jaris being on the Autism Spectrum the table all of a sudden seemed larger and time stood still.  Those first few moments after the diagnosis was spoken seemed to be never ending and I felt as though I was kicked in the stomach with a long, hard, direct kick.  And this kick to the stomach had nothing to do with how I was physically feeling only being 3 days post op from Gall Bladder surgery.

I remember looking at them almost like a lost puppy would look at a person with eyes begging them to help one make sense out of what they just said.  The psychologist pushed a box of kleenex down the table towards us.  I clearly stated at the point that we were prepared that this would be the outcome, so what is the next step.  I also said I do not cry in front of people and even told them if I was going to cry about it, that would have to wait until I saw my own therapist that afternoon.  They said I was smart to have an appointment booked, and I said it was not smart this is just my typical Monday- minus being 3 days post op, and basically having my world in that moment obliterated.  They gave us a folder and told us to call a number to set up a meeting with the next person who would help us along the journey, and that was that.  I will be honest.  I spent a lot of time looking over to Jeral, trying to make sure he was okay and also trying to figure out if he was actually understand what was being said.  His face was blank.  I went into immediate I need to make this understandable and okay for everyone else.  Everyone needs to know it will be okay.  Yet I was also having a deep gut wrenching emotional reaction that I felt was hitting me out of left field since I thought I was prepared to hear the words your son is Autistic.

Now please understand I know that Autism is a spectrum.  I even tried to get a hint of where on the spectrum they thought Jaris was and we were told he is to young to tell that.  Early intervention is key and we were now on that road.  I know in the past the word Autism had some pretty huge connotations and a lot of even shame surrounding it.  For us none of that matters.  We know Autism is a spectrum and like they said early intervention is the key, and for the past year we have been fighting to get Jaris back into occupational therapy and into speech therapy.  Unfortunately there is still a 5 month wait list to get into the NONA Autism program.  So in the meant time we will be doing everything we can to meet with a private occupational therapist, and hopefully a private speech therapist, and whoever else will be helpful in this journey to help us help our son have the best life he can have.

We have a lot of grieving to do.  We are letting go of the hopes and dreams most parents have for their children, so that God can replace them with His.  I know that when I was pregnant with Jaris i never dreamed of the day I would be told my son was somewhere on the Autism Spectrum.  It just is not something a mom dreams of as she feels her son kicking in the womb.  Most moms think of hearing their child say I love you mom for the first time.  I am not sure if I will ever hear that out of my son's mouth.  I have a journal I am writing in for Jaris and my heart aches at the prospect that he may not be able to fully understand the words written in it.  Only time will tell if he will understand one day. 

The truth is that while on some levels this diagnosis changes who our daily life will be.  We will soon have lots of appointments, and meetings to go to.  We will have people coming into our home and working with Jaris and us.  We will have people giving us suggestions on the best way to raise our son, and we may not always agree with them.  However this will never change - how I look at my son.  When I look at Jaris he is still the miracle I begged God for.  He is still my sweet boy who I would do anything in the world for.  He still makes my heart melt when he smiles and his one dimple shows.  I will always be in awe that God formed him inside of me.  My constant love for him is still unwavering.  He is my son and nothing in this world or the next could ever change that.  I would rather have this life with the challenges and uncertainties we face with Jaris, than to have a life without Jaris in it!

I know that when people are hurting and life does not seem to make sense that it is easy to try to relieve the awkwardness of not knowing what to do or say by spout of something cliche or give Bible verses and promises from God as the answer.  Truthfully we have no desire to hear any of that.  We just want to be allowed to walk through what we are feeling, to have people just cry with us, and sit in silence with us when words just won't come.  When Jesus found out his friend Lazurus had died the first thing Jesus did was not to start proclaiming this is for God's Glory - despite in his heart knowing that it would all work out.  No the Bible is very clear Jesus WEPT.  That is where we are at in this journey with our son.  We are in the weeping and grieving stage.  This in no way diminishes what we know God is capable of doing and in no way dimishes our trust in God.  We know God is holding us as we WEEP.  It is just where we are at. 

Just a little Update

Wow the last few weeks have been very full and we are not done yet!  So where to begin!

1) The middle of April we got together as a family to celebrate Jeral's parents 50th anniversary!  It was a great time of hanging out as a family, and while I know i am bias I think that my kids stole all the attention because they were so cute and they realized we would all clap and praise them if the sang and danced for us! 

2) This past Monday we were in Oliver so I could attend my step aunts "Celebration of Life".  She passed away very suddenly.  She was only 54 when she went to sleep and never woke up.  Jeral and the kids stayed with his parents while I was at the Legion with family.  There really are very few left on that side, well very few that I know.  People kept pointing out my dad's cousins and I had no clue who they were, nor did most of them know me.

3) Really this should be number 2 the day before we went to Oliver we travelled to Kelowna to watch my nephew play soccer.  The kids were in their glory hanging out with their cousins and grandparents.

4) Yesterday May 3rd I had Gall Bladder Surgery finally.  Originally I was told it would not happen until mid to late June, so I was thankful that it happened much sooner.  It was laproscopic which means that the healing/recovery process will be much smoother, and quicker.  I actually feel really good.  So good that I am sure I over did it yesterday when I got home!  Which means today I will be staying in my room and resting for the most part!  I was told no heavy lifting for 6 weeks and when I asked them to clarify if my 8 month old that weighs 26 lbs was considered heavy lifting they said YES!  Oiy!  No driving by myself for this next week or for as long as I am taking t3's as pain medication.  I shocked my surgeon when the first words out of my mouth were when can I get on the tractor and start mowing the lawn again?  Answer not for the next 2-3 weeks depending.  Insert sad face here. I love mowing the lawn.  So now I am home and I am thankful that my mom and my sister as well as her kids are here to help out.  My sister and her kiddos are here until Tuesday and my mom will stay for as long as we need her.  I will admit that one of the advantages of being well endowed in the chest area is i can prop the ice pack up under one side and then I have two free hands for typing or journaling.

5) On Monday May 6th at 9 am we have Jaris' assessment.  You know us we like the waiting game and then bang all at once we do everything!  No that is not really what we like yet that is how it seems to be.  We have been waiting for this assessment to take place in the hopes that we will leave it with some answers and a game plan to better help Jaris.  At this assessment though we will have to inform the Pediatrician, and the Psychologist of some new information that has just come to our attention about Jeral and what he possibly could have had as a child.  We are not sure if this information will affect the outcome of the assessment or delay us in getting a diagnosis, and then subsequently an action plan put in place to help Jaris and to help us.  Needless to say we have had a lot on our plates not only in regards to my surgery, and also trying to process and talk through some things before I had surgery and researching so we know what we are walking into the assessment with. While we are grateful that we know have some knowledge and a possible better understand as to what happened to Jeral as a child we truly wish we would have been told sooner, as it is Jerals right to know and then we would have looked into things with Jaris a lot sooner and been that much futher a head with helping him than we are now!  No matter the outcome of Monday we know that we have a long road a head of us with many ups and downs as we do everything in our ability to hep our son learn to talk and understand, and as we help him develop and guide him.  Parenting children is a journey and parenting a child with a possible neurological disorder presents us with a twist in the journey.  No matter what we Love Jairs and our blessed that he is our son.  After we prayed and literally at times begged God for all of our children, so disability or not he is loved and he is a joy and blessing!

6)  We will finally be starting our bathroom renovations on May 15th give or take a day or two depending on how I feel!  Yeah for finally getting this underway!  I am very excited for the final product!  I will take before and after pictures  to post on here eventually.  The other reno we are also staring mid May is the residing of our house.  We are changing the whole color scheme.  The house will look nothing like it looked like in the past!  Yeah for making our home our home!  We plan on being here for many years and we are looking forward to in time getting things exactly as we want them to be.

7)  We have booked our June holidays.  We will be spend two nights in Banff and then heading into Calgary to spend time with my sister and her family!  I can hardly wait to take all the kids to the zoo and to see other friends as well while we are out there!  So here is hoping I am feeling good to go in 4 weeks.  Because I do not want anything to delay our trip!

Life is full and very busy right now and that is a good thing!  In the midst of all this fulness I get a mini vaction filled with rest and not feeling guilty about jumping in and solving every problem.  Seriously I am not sure i remember when the last time was the I could sit in my office and just relax and let everyone else take care of the kids!  My mom, sister, and Husband have everything undercontrol!