Some Distant Day

"I WANT TO BEG YOU AS MUCH AS I CAN... TO BE PATIENT TOWARDS ALL THAT IS UNSOLVED IN YOUR HEART AND TO TRY TO LOVE ALL QUESTIONS THEMSELVES.... DO NOT NOW SEEK ANSWERS WHICH CANNOT BE GIVEN YOU BECAUSE YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO LIVE THEM. AND THE POINT IS TO LIVE EVERYTHING. LIVE THE QUESTIONS NOW. PERHAPS YOU WILL THEN GRADUALLY WITHOUT NOTICING IT, LIVE ALONG SOME DISTANT DAY INTO THE ANSWER... TAKE WHAT EVER COMES WITH GREAT TRUST, AND IF IT ONLY COMES OUT OF YOUR WILL, OUT OF SOME NEED OF YOUR INNER MOST BEING, TAKE IT UPON YOUR SELF AND HATE NOTHING." (RAINER MARIA RILKE)

This quote was in a book I read during the silent retreat that I attend this past weekend. I don't know about you, however for me I have a lot of questions, and a lot of things I just don't understand, and well I want answers. So something struck a cord in me when I read this. It may have something to do with Joy saying to me earlier in the week that a 4 year old would not be asking the questions I was asking, a 4 year old would just feel. I guess as I have journeyed the last year and a bit towards healing the deep wounds of the past I have just wanted the answer to the questions I have and I want the answers quickly. However sometimes the answers just don't come that quickly, so the thought of one day living into the answers is both a discouraging and exciting thought. Discouraging because I just want all the answers now, and exciting that when I least expect it I will have an ahhh moment and understand something.

And as I write this I am also realizing that I may never get the answers to some of the tough questions I have until I get to heaven and gaze into the eyes of Jesus, and in that moment none of the questions I have will really matter because I am with Him. So then maybe the point of counselling and inner healing isn't to find out all the answers as to why. Instead the point is to learn to live. Live fully! Which also means learning to feel fully(Oiy if Joy only heard me say that I might be hooped in my next session). And this is a journey then that will take the rest of my life. Now that is a long time indeed! At least I hope it is a long time, into some distant day!!!!!

Doctor's Appointment

So yesterday I saw my fertility specialist here in Vernon. I had a ton of questions and things to tell him about the whole fertility drug regiment, and I asked for options. This whole drug thing is making me psycho!!!!!!! Well just extremely hormonal, and emotional.

So I have agreed to for now one more round of fertility drugs and after that I am going in for an operation. They call it drilling the ovaries. It is different from a wedge resectional which is what I thought was what they would do. However drilling the ovaries leaves less scaring, and I will loose less eggs with the ovary drilling. This will hopefully make it so I won't have to use fertility drugs. This will all happen while we are waiting to be sent to a fertility clinic in Vancouver. I was given the choice between Vancouver and Calgary and I chose Vancouver because I go down there all the time anyways. I still am mot sure about how far we will go with all this fertility stuff because we will be spending lots of money for no guarantees, while if we were to pursue the adoption route then there is a guarantee of a child at some point.

My doctor was very surprised that I have not ovulated yet because he thought for sure that I should have with what I was on. So I feel that Jeral and I need to spend some time praying and asking Jesus about this. Maybe this is just not the time, and that is why the drugs have not worked.

I went into have some blood tests and to make sure that I am not pregnant. A blood test is more accurate than peeing on a stick. Once the results come back I can start the next round of drugs. The reason for the test is to make sure that when I start the progesterone to force my cycle I would not be aborting an early pregnancy. In the later stages of pregnancy the progesterone would not cause the pregnancy to be aborted however in the earlier stages the pregnancy would be aborted. If that happened because we were to Hasty I would be devastated. So I will be patient and wait upon Jesus. However I am praying that I am pregnant. What a Christmas gift that would be, and to be honest it is the only Christmas gift for Jesus that I would want right now!

Oh well! Such is the way life is unravelling for Jeral and I. Blessings to you and your families!

Safe In My Arms

So I have returned home from the Silent Retreat that my sister-in-law and I attended together this past weekend. Honestly I would definitely recommend going on a silent retreat if you ever get a chance to. I have been to other retreats and Jesus always is there and He works in my heart, however during the silent retreat God did in my heart during 66 hours what would have been probably a month of Jesus and I finding a moment here and there to work on stuff.

I loved the fact that I could sit in a room with other people and not feel obligated to talk to them. I know that sounds so anti-social and yet since we all were not talking it was okay to sit in my little corner of the room with my Bible, journal, and a book and not talk. I was assigned a Spiritual Director who I saw twice over the course of time. At first I did not want to have a spiritual director. I just wanted to be off on my own, and now I understand why Jesus wanted me to have a spiritual director. It was one more reminder that I am not to journey alone. None of us were made to go alone on this journey of life and when we try to because we are afraid of what others may think of us we are the ones who really miss out.

Another surprise on the silent was retreat was seeing someone from my past. It has been almost eight years since I have seen this person, so when she walked in I was a little shocked. My memories with this person are not all that great. And yet for me seeing her was an opportunity for me to grow and to practice everything that Jesus and Joy have been teaching me lately. I spent a few minutes wondering what she was thinking about me and if she still thought of me as the woman I was 8 years ago, and Jesus gently reminded me that now I could practice being content in who I am now, knowing that others may not think positively of me. Well the end of the retreat came and she asked if she could talk to me privately, and she asked me to forgive her for the mistakes she felt she made during a crisis point in my life. I was able to say that all was forgiven and then give her a hug. Talk about a healing moment. It was as if Jesus was saying to me during that time "SEE LEANNE YOU ARE NOT THAT SAME PERSON YOU WERE 8 YEARS AGO AND THAT IS WHY YOU CAN NOW GO DOWN THE PATH I AM ASKING YOU TO GO DOWN NOW. YOU CAN REST SAFE IN MY ARMS KNOWING YOU WILL NEVER GO DOWN THE PATH YOU DID BACK THEN."

You see during this weekend Jesus asked me to surrender to Him. To stop fighting so hard to protect what I really cannot not protect anymore. Often in battle when we surrender we are saying that we can no longer keep safe what we are fight so hard to protect. I felt him saying over and over again that I would be SAFE IN HIS ARMS if I would just surrender to Him and take the next step in the journey. A step that seems covered in darkness, yet knowing that darkness is not really darkness to Him. And well every time I start another round of fertility drugs I feel as though I am stepping into darkness. All those hormones being pumped into me. There are days that feel rather dark. So now maybe Jesus is asking me to trust Him and step into another round of fertility drugs, or maybe He is asking me to face another reality that may feel even darker than pumping me full of hormones. That reality may be that I may never have a biological child. That I may never be able to give my husband a child that is his own flesh and blood. I don't know and I will have to spend the next few days being still with my Heavenly DADA listening to Him to see what He is asking me to step into. All I know is that what ever the answer is He has promised me that I will be SAFE IN HIS ARMS.

Silence

So this morning I am off to the lower mainland for well the usual counselling, as well as a three day silent retreat. I know three days of silence. I really don't know how I will make it through three days of silence. Thus I am a rooming with my sister in law.

So what is a silent retreat. Well for one thing you are silent, thus the name "Silent Retreat". Basically in short it is three days set aside to be still and rest in the presence of God, so I am sure that I will have lots to blog when I get back. I'll be honest I am both excited and nervous about this retreat. I am excited to have three days without distractions to just focus in on Jesus and our relationship. I am nervous because what if nothing happens and I spend three days and there is complete silence from Jesus. Also this is the longest I will have gone away for sine we got married. Jeral and I have been separated for longer when he went away on a missions trip in May, however I normally don't go away for this long. I enjoy sleeping in a comfy bed next to my husband so we'll see how long I can last. I might have to break my silence to give him a call to hear his voice. Yes I know rather mushy, and hey that is great because I love my husband.

So off I go, after a small breakfast and a few kisses from my hubby! I hope that you all have a blessed rest of your week and a wonderful weekend.

Leanne

PS- On Monday morning I have an appointment with my fertility specialist and would really appreciate your prayers. I have some big questions and concerns over all this fertility drug stuff. Plus we are really hoping that maybe just maybe this time we are prego's. However I am not holding my breath that way hopefully the let down won't be as bad this time.

Can't Sleep

Okay so I have a feeling that I am in for one of those long nights. Oh wait that is how they nights have been for the past little while. Ever since I started taking those dang fertility drugs. Don't get me wrong if they work then the sleepless nights of insomnia will have been worth it. However at this point there is more frustration than anything else.

Do you ever have moments or days where you want to scream, "Okay God whatever it is you are trying to teach me, make it quick so this phase of life can be over with and I can move on." Whatever I am being taught through the sleepless or restless night, and whatever lesson I am to learn through this journey of infertility I just want to understand it or get it. I have struggled with sleep since I was 17. That means for the last 11, almost 12 years of my life I have not slept properly. Sleeping pills don't work, I tried them once upon a time, and yeah my body adjusts to quickly and the dose had to be increased every two weeks. Not fun. So out goes the idea of medication and the truth be known medicated sleeps are not as good as the real thing.

I know that there are times when God will wake someone up to pray for someone else, so maybe I need to pray for both my friends Jeneah and Carla who are over due and just wish their babies would come. Maybe a missionary friend of mine is really struggling and needs me to pray. Only God really knows. And then there are the times when God finally has me still enough to get my attention because during the waking hours I am to busy trying to avoid the things He wants to do and heal in my life because it could mean some uncomfort for me. Maybe the whole point is to learn how to rest in Jesus even if my body and mind are not physically at rest. Who knows, but God.

I think this is enough of my ramblings for tonight, and as I say that I begin to get tired, so maybe I will get to bed before 1am.

Being Held Safe

A few months ago I wrote a post called "BEING CARRIED", well it would seem that Jesus has me back at this place again. This time though it is "BEING HELD". When someone is being carried it is often because he or she cannot physically walk and thus they need someone to carry them. For example back in 1998 I was working at Gardom Lake Bible Camp and we were playing pool noodle tag. I was running around and all of a sudden I saw this kid flying in the air coming right at me and I was face with a choice. I could keep running and hurt the kid or I could jump and maybe miss the kid. Well I jumped and still hit the kid. When we landed my ankle was on the bottom, the kid was on my ankle, and I was on top. There was a loud snap and I was in pain. I had snapped my ankle in half and because the boy was on top on me I had to flip back over I set my ankle back into place, so we had no clue as to the fact that my ankle was broken. We thought it was a bad sprain. That day two very strong men carried me around the camp by making a human chair with their arms. I physically could not walk and I had to let them carry me if I wanted to go anywhere. A few days later I had to let my bosses wife push me a round in a wheel chair. Needless to say she enjoyed that fact.



As much as allowing someone to carry me was a very humbling and vulnerable thing. Being Held though is a very different thing. I think it is even more humbling. Being held is a choice that we make. We can choose to let someone hold us and comfort us or we can say no keep your distance come no closer. When I broke my ankle I knew that I could not walk on my own. I had to let them carry me as much as I was not happy about the idea. However being held is something totally different. When I let someone hold me I am letting them into my inner personal space. I am in some ways admitting that I need something more than I am capable of doing or giving to myself. I cannot hold myself when I am in pain and hurting. If you watch TV you guys all know the scenes that I am talking about. Someone is mad and yelling, or they are fighting to not feel the emotional pain they are really feeling and then the next thing you know someone is holding them and they are a ball of tears. For some reason when we allow someone to hold us that last line of defence drops and whoever it may be that is holding us see us the most vulnerable we have ever been and they get into the inner circle.

I honestly thought I was safe from that ever happening. I mean after all outside of my husband who would offer to hold and overweight 28 year old woman? I am very selective with who I allow into my personal space. So when someone asked to hold me a week and a bit ago I said heck no. I have enjoyed knowing that my last line of defence was firmly intact and nothing was going to bring it down. Until someone wanted to hold me safely in her arms. Outside of my husband I have never felt safe enough to let someone that close. Being held as a child never was a safe thing, so I guess that this is a part of my healing journey. Allowing those whom God places in my life as safe people to hold me, because when we are all being held by God that is the safest place we could be.

I still have a long journey ahead of me in regards to this whole being held thing. Not sure about and yet I know this is a key part of the process.

Friends at the Right Time

This weekend I had the privilege of hosting a women's retreat at the camp I used to work at. The weekend was great. A little tiring, and yet really good.

I got the opportunity to reconnect with a friend from years ago, and it seems that God brings us back into each other's lives for a short period of time when He is wanting to do something big in our lives.

Here is a bit of the back ground on how I meet this friend. When I was 4, my mother, sister and I ended up living with her family for a month, during a very difficult time for us. Back then we did not exactly get along. She actually threatened to give me a black eye. Thinking back on it now, I cannot imagine what it must have been like for her and her brother to have three complete strangers move in with their family. As much as it was hard on us withe family stuff going on, it must have been very hard for them.

Fast forward to summer of 2000. I am the LIT Director at Gardom Lake Bible Camp, my boss informs me that the first aid person for the week would be sharing a room with me. When I found out who it was I so was willing to do anything to have her stay with someone else. Fortunately God and Will said "NOPE SHE IS ROOMING WITH YOU LEANNE!" I remembered living with them. However she did not remember that time, which I think is God, and over that week we bonded and had a great time and a time of healing for me. At that time Jesus was really working on the begins of healing some of the pain of the past and then smack! Part of the past is rooming with me. God did stuff in both of our hearts that week.

So fast forward once more to this weekend. I am hosting the ladies retreat and guess who is there. Yep this friend! God was doing some stuff in her life over the weekend, and in the days prior to the retreat God had brought up some very painful memories from the past and I was not willing to go there with Him. I fought and fought, and then Juanita walks into the room, and all I could do was say God I get it, and fight is going to be pretty useless huh!

Seeing Juanita was a reminder that God is in this all and that there is no where I can go that I can escape from Him, and yet He is so gentle. Juanita and her family 28 years ago provided a place of safety for my mother, sister, and I when we needed it. Juanita I firmly believe was God's gentle reminder that I have some pretty big pain from that time that God really wants to heal if I will stop fighting Him. God could have sent a storm or a bomb to blow it all up so I would have no choice but to face it, and that would be His right, after all he is God. Yet He chooses instead to send gentle reminders, some reminders are a little more in my face than others, and yet Jesus is so patient, and gentle.

Funny if all that crap years ago would have never happened I would not have the blessing of Juanita as a friend now, nor the connection the we enjoy when we see each other every now and then. God truly does have us connected through a twisting network of friends and family, and it would appear that God brings the right friend at the right time.

Learning To Embrace My Feminine Side

Okay so this post may be a little all over the place as I am still in thought process over the whole idea of embracing my womanhood.

I know that the title of this post could envoke thoughts of oh no Leanne is becoming a feminist. I assure that is not the thought process behind the post, so please bare with me as I journal out where God is bringing me on this.

First off I am very stoked about the fact that I am writing this post from my room. Not my bedroom, as much as I do enjoying being in my bedroom this is not being written from there. No this post is being drafted in my special room. This past summer Jeral and I finished the sun room off of our bedroom and made it into a sacred and special place that is just for me. Jeral has his office and I have my sacred room.

So for some one who would have know me in my childhood years they would be utterly shocked to have ever seen me in a dress except for when my mom made me wear one for pictures. For "Red" to wear make up the world must becoming to an end. To associate anything "GIRLY" with me would have deeply offended me and would have been so far from the truth, outside of the fact that physiologically I was a girl. I'll be honest the whole being feminine thing was not my cup of tea. I in many ways rejected the idea of ever being anything that had to to with being feminine. I know what is so strange about that. I mean after all we live a world that is surrounded with feminism. I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR! Right, I can wear the pants. Be the boss. Be in control. Never get taken advantage of. Never allow myself to be weak. Never allow myself to get hurt, because I am strong.

If you knew a little about my journey growing up and you knew some of the details of that life you would know that hey there were reasons why I might decide to reject everything that was feminine about me. I had some really big hurts and wounds. So in my resolve to never get hurt again, never not being in control, and to never be weak I decided in my heart that if it had anything to do with being a woman then I would reject that part of me. Yes I was physiologically a woman and yet in my heart and soul I wanted nothing to do with being a girl.

Once a few years ago I was out in a paddle boat at the camp I was a program director at, and I was having a conversation with my bosses wife. She mentioned to me that one of her daughters was sad because she thought I did not like being a girl. I had forgotten about that conversation until recently. As I sat down to process this I was struck my the fact that even if I would not have ever verbalized my disdain for the feminine side of me, my actions spoke loud and clear for how I felt.

Now fast forward to the present time. I am married. I have started to wear make up, and to wear skirts and dress on occasion. I know gasp Red doing girly things! I desire to be a mom, a good wife who can cook a half decent meal. I love baking cookies. I sew and rather enjoy it, and oh I am an avid crocheter. All these things I would deem to be more along the lines of the feminine and yet still struggle with totally embracing the feminine side of me. Jesus and I have a lot of work a head of us in dismantling the lies, hurt, pain, anger, hatred and sadness of the past so I can fully embrace the soft gentle feminine side I was born with as a woman and created to be. I am not saying that the driven, wants to get things done well, and practical side of a woman cannot live in harmony with the soft, gentle, compassionate, nurturing side. There may be some who are wired that way and that is great .

Being feminine also involves of having ovaries, and a uterus as well as a few other body parts that I will not mention here, and maybe just maybe in my desire when I was younger to have nothing to do with being a girl I might have rejected those part so me too, and guess what I need those parts of me to become a mom some day. So the point of this blog is to say, you know what I am working on reclaiming the feminine side of me and learning to love me. All of the woman that God created me to be. I am also allowing my Heavenly DADA to restore me in to the WOMAN he made me to be. I have a lot more heart work to do in this area yet. However sitting here today I can honestly say THANK YOU DADA FOR MAKING ME A WOMAN, and whatever lies and agreements I have made in the past that would be in opposition of this declaration tonight please take them from me as only you can.

I hope this has not confused you all to much, and yet hey this is really more for me than it is for you.

I am woman and you are not going to hear me roar anymore!

Blessings Leanne