Safe In My Arms

So I have returned home from the Silent Retreat that my sister-in-law and I attended together this past weekend. Honestly I would definitely recommend going on a silent retreat if you ever get a chance to. I have been to other retreats and Jesus always is there and He works in my heart, however during the silent retreat God did in my heart during 66 hours what would have been probably a month of Jesus and I finding a moment here and there to work on stuff.

I loved the fact that I could sit in a room with other people and not feel obligated to talk to them. I know that sounds so anti-social and yet since we all were not talking it was okay to sit in my little corner of the room with my Bible, journal, and a book and not talk. I was assigned a Spiritual Director who I saw twice over the course of time. At first I did not want to have a spiritual director. I just wanted to be off on my own, and now I understand why Jesus wanted me to have a spiritual director. It was one more reminder that I am not to journey alone. None of us were made to go alone on this journey of life and when we try to because we are afraid of what others may think of us we are the ones who really miss out.

Another surprise on the silent was retreat was seeing someone from my past. It has been almost eight years since I have seen this person, so when she walked in I was a little shocked. My memories with this person are not all that great. And yet for me seeing her was an opportunity for me to grow and to practice everything that Jesus and Joy have been teaching me lately. I spent a few minutes wondering what she was thinking about me and if she still thought of me as the woman I was 8 years ago, and Jesus gently reminded me that now I could practice being content in who I am now, knowing that others may not think positively of me. Well the end of the retreat came and she asked if she could talk to me privately, and she asked me to forgive her for the mistakes she felt she made during a crisis point in my life. I was able to say that all was forgiven and then give her a hug. Talk about a healing moment. It was as if Jesus was saying to me during that time "SEE LEANNE YOU ARE NOT THAT SAME PERSON YOU WERE 8 YEARS AGO AND THAT IS WHY YOU CAN NOW GO DOWN THE PATH I AM ASKING YOU TO GO DOWN NOW. YOU CAN REST SAFE IN MY ARMS KNOWING YOU WILL NEVER GO DOWN THE PATH YOU DID BACK THEN."

You see during this weekend Jesus asked me to surrender to Him. To stop fighting so hard to protect what I really cannot not protect anymore. Often in battle when we surrender we are saying that we can no longer keep safe what we are fight so hard to protect. I felt him saying over and over again that I would be SAFE IN HIS ARMS if I would just surrender to Him and take the next step in the journey. A step that seems covered in darkness, yet knowing that darkness is not really darkness to Him. And well every time I start another round of fertility drugs I feel as though I am stepping into darkness. All those hormones being pumped into me. There are days that feel rather dark. So now maybe Jesus is asking me to trust Him and step into another round of fertility drugs, or maybe He is asking me to face another reality that may feel even darker than pumping me full of hormones. That reality may be that I may never have a biological child. That I may never be able to give my husband a child that is his own flesh and blood. I don't know and I will have to spend the next few days being still with my Heavenly DADA listening to Him to see what He is asking me to step into. All I know is that what ever the answer is He has promised me that I will be SAFE IN HIS ARMS.