Learning To Embrace My Feminine Side

Okay so this post may be a little all over the place as I am still in thought process over the whole idea of embracing my womanhood.

I know that the title of this post could envoke thoughts of oh no Leanne is becoming a feminist. I assure that is not the thought process behind the post, so please bare with me as I journal out where God is bringing me on this.

First off I am very stoked about the fact that I am writing this post from my room. Not my bedroom, as much as I do enjoying being in my bedroom this is not being written from there. No this post is being drafted in my special room. This past summer Jeral and I finished the sun room off of our bedroom and made it into a sacred and special place that is just for me. Jeral has his office and I have my sacred room.

So for some one who would have know me in my childhood years they would be utterly shocked to have ever seen me in a dress except for when my mom made me wear one for pictures. For "Red" to wear make up the world must becoming to an end. To associate anything "GIRLY" with me would have deeply offended me and would have been so far from the truth, outside of the fact that physiologically I was a girl. I'll be honest the whole being feminine thing was not my cup of tea. I in many ways rejected the idea of ever being anything that had to to with being feminine. I know what is so strange about that. I mean after all we live a world that is surrounded with feminism. I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR! Right, I can wear the pants. Be the boss. Be in control. Never get taken advantage of. Never allow myself to be weak. Never allow myself to get hurt, because I am strong.

If you knew a little about my journey growing up and you knew some of the details of that life you would know that hey there were reasons why I might decide to reject everything that was feminine about me. I had some really big hurts and wounds. So in my resolve to never get hurt again, never not being in control, and to never be weak I decided in my heart that if it had anything to do with being a woman then I would reject that part of me. Yes I was physiologically a woman and yet in my heart and soul I wanted nothing to do with being a girl.

Once a few years ago I was out in a paddle boat at the camp I was a program director at, and I was having a conversation with my bosses wife. She mentioned to me that one of her daughters was sad because she thought I did not like being a girl. I had forgotten about that conversation until recently. As I sat down to process this I was struck my the fact that even if I would not have ever verbalized my disdain for the feminine side of me, my actions spoke loud and clear for how I felt.

Now fast forward to the present time. I am married. I have started to wear make up, and to wear skirts and dress on occasion. I know gasp Red doing girly things! I desire to be a mom, a good wife who can cook a half decent meal. I love baking cookies. I sew and rather enjoy it, and oh I am an avid crocheter. All these things I would deem to be more along the lines of the feminine and yet still struggle with totally embracing the feminine side of me. Jesus and I have a lot of work a head of us in dismantling the lies, hurt, pain, anger, hatred and sadness of the past so I can fully embrace the soft gentle feminine side I was born with as a woman and created to be. I am not saying that the driven, wants to get things done well, and practical side of a woman cannot live in harmony with the soft, gentle, compassionate, nurturing side. There may be some who are wired that way and that is great .

Being feminine also involves of having ovaries, and a uterus as well as a few other body parts that I will not mention here, and maybe just maybe in my desire when I was younger to have nothing to do with being a girl I might have rejected those part so me too, and guess what I need those parts of me to become a mom some day. So the point of this blog is to say, you know what I am working on reclaiming the feminine side of me and learning to love me. All of the woman that God created me to be. I am also allowing my Heavenly DADA to restore me in to the WOMAN he made me to be. I have a lot more heart work to do in this area yet. However sitting here today I can honestly say THANK YOU DADA FOR MAKING ME A WOMAN, and whatever lies and agreements I have made in the past that would be in opposition of this declaration tonight please take them from me as only you can.

I hope this has not confused you all to much, and yet hey this is really more for me than it is for you.

I am woman and you are not going to hear me roar anymore!

Blessings Leanne