Winter Turning To Spring

Today as I was out in the back field I was struck by the process of winter turning into spring. The once soft snow has now turned hard and crusty. The snow is melting and yet it is hard, and as the snow melts away the ground will turn to muck, and it will be gross and messy out there for a while before we have the beauty of spring. The beauty of watching flowers bloom and seeing wonderful butterflies landing on the flowers. Or the beauty of humming birds flying around etc. We don't have winter one day and then wake up the next day to spring, with everything growing and in bloom.

What stuck me even more is the sometimes our lives parallel winter turning into spring. As we begin to heal and journey towards health there are times where when the melting process happens we may actually harden a bit. Then as we continue to trust and turn control over to Jesus the hardness continues to melt and then we find ourselves frustrated because we are in the muck and it feels worse then before. Then we are confused because we think that things should get better right away, and this mess does not fit in with our idea of healing and getting better. We are not wounded on day and healed the next day (I wish this though a lot!) If only we would be patient and wade through the muck. Not over and not around it, instead through it. Then we would one day open our eyes to the beauty of spring to see flowers blooming and butterflies landing, and so much more.

I'll be honest I am still not there yet, as in wanting to wade through the muck. I still want to go around it or leap over it. And try as I might to give up control and muddle through I still fail, and fight to keep the control that I so desperately want. I still want to jump over the mess in the middle.

Change of Perspective

So two posts in one day. I must be on a role. Or I must have had something important come to my attention.

I was out for coffee with a friend today. Even though I would say we are friends and I count myself luck to say that Shelley is my friend, this is the first time we have ever gone out for coffee. As we were talking about why it has taken so long for us to do this I realized that so often my perspective often gets in the way of getting to know people. For instance with Shelley who in my opinion is a drop dead gorgeous woman I used to think for sure that she was too beautiful to ever want to be my friend. I have a bit of a complex here and I am working on it. Then I found out today that Shelley used to look at me and think about how full of life I was and then want to be like me. So crazy, because I would think really if you only knew me you would want to be nothing like me. Sometimes we have such a distorted perspective of ourselves.

The same thing happened with my best friend. Back in the day when I still went by my nick name RED we met at camp. I looked at Marie and saw a beautiful young woman who was so full of life and she honestly radiates beauty, and the more I get to know her the more beautiful she is to me. Well as the years went on we talked one day about how we were the most unlikely pair to be friends, and that when we first meet we both thought that the other would never want to be friends with the other. If Marie and I in some ways would not have been forced to be roommates I am not sure if we would have become friends. Thinking about that now I am a little sad, because I would have missed out on one of the richest and most wonderful friendships, all because of our messed up perspectives.

How many friendships have I missed out on simply because I thought that they other person would never want to be my friend, or that I would have nothing to offer to the friendship. Oh the insecurities and the lies the enemy likes to whisper in our ears. I am beginning to think it is about time that this stops. I have no intention of letting anymore wonderful and rewarding friendship slip away all because I am to caught up in my insecurities. Now I hope I have to gumption to live out what I just said! Lord give me the strength!

Okay so here I am about to go on a little rant. Serioulsy I really think it is not just time for me, also other women too. It is time to stop thinking I am too fat, to ugly, not filled with enough life, not talented enough etc. These are the lies the enemy whisper's in my ear and I am sure from talking with others that for them the lies they here are similar. Ahhhhhh, it really pisses me off (am I allowed to write that on this blog?). What make me even sicker is thinking back to my days in Bible College and I realize that I most likely missed out on some amaing friendships all because I was terrifed that I would not be good enough. However I must say that I know God is bigger than all of that, and he is so mind blowing with the way He brings about friendships with people from thoses days, and let me say right here that I am totally blessed by the amazing friendship that have been developing.

Lord I am in awe and very grateful. May you give all of us in this messed up world to put aside our fears and our worries so we can step into to riches of the friendships you so desire for us to have. After all Jesus you created us for community, not aloneness. Thanks Jesus!!!;)

Something to Pray About

Well were do I begin. The journey that I am praying about right now started many years ago, when I resigned from camp ministry to be obedient to Jesus and what I thought was His calling me to Armstong as a Children's Pastor. Without going into to many details, I felt as though I walked into an ambush, and tries as I might have to make it work I just couldn't. I stuck it out for a year when everything was crumbling down around and there was much hurt on both sides of the issues that were tearing our body of believers apart. Finally I resigned due to the fact that I was going to end up having a nervous breakdowm trying to work two jobs, and plan a wedding (the wedding stuff was the good part, falling in love with Jeral during all the church stuff was amazing and kept me going. If I only came to Armstrong to meet Jeral and fall in love then it was worth it. However Jesus is saying that is not the only reason).

The journey of working with children and youth ended a year and a half ago for me, and I was rather happy to walk away from it all, and hopefully leave my pain behind me as I walked away. Please do not misunderstand, I love the children in our church and I love the youth. For me working with them was one way that Jesus filled the voided of a barren womb, and if anything ever happened to one of those precious children/youth my heart would get ripped out. I kept seeing a need over the next few months and started just wanting to jump in and fill it. All the while I kept hearing Jesus say not yet! Just rest in me, not yet. Well then I came to a place of okay I don't want to go back to this Jesus. Just let me quietly slip into the back ground and fade away. It is when I came to this place that things got alittle interesting.

You see it is when I wanted to fade away into to woodwork, almost to be forgotten that Jesus said, nope Leanne I created you for this. Well then the fight was on. I pretty much told Jesus no way will I ever consider going back to youth ministry. I litterally walked into an ambush. Trust me no one expect things to blow up the way they did, and no Jesus wants me to trust Him. Nope Jesus just let me fade away. Let me be a moma to my own kids is what I keep asking him for. Every time I feel Jesus saying something I just do my best to ignore it.

Well fast forward to this past weekend. I am at a retreat with my mother. If we both would have known what the retreat was about then I am sure we both would not have gone. However Jesus wanted me there to hear from on lady, and to hear the words she was trying to bless me with. A lady by the name of Carolyn Burch looked at me while serving me communion and said, "You are a Leader." My immediate reaction was to tell Jesus to back off. I have no desire to be a leader, just let me fade into the background, some one else can do what you are calling me to do. I started doign the Moses thing, not good enough, send someone else etc. I felt Jesus saying I can fight/wrestle with you for as long as it takes remember I am God and I have eternity.

What am I to do? I can keep fighting or I can take a step of faith and trust. So that is what I am doing. Therefore if anyone of you decide to pray for me and feel that Jesus is telling you something please pass that on. I have asked my church leadership to pray and listen, as well as a few trusted friends, and my husband of course. I want to make sure I am hearing God on this and not just jumping because somewhere deep down I see a need and want to fill it. If the comment by Carolyn "You are a Leader," refers to something else in some other time then I desire to be obedient to that also. So my next step is to be still and listen with others I trust to be in an intimate relationship with Jesus. It is a good thing that Jesus does not walk around with a baseball bat ready to hit me upside the head when I get things wrong. Instead He patiently waits and says, well get it next time, in the mean time lets do something with this!

That is all man I wish I could use less word to write thing out!

Oh I Hate Paps!

Okay men you may not want to read this entry simply because I am talking about Pap tests.

Okay so maybe only a bit of this is about having to have a pap test done today. I was rather nervous and dreading having to go see my doctor and have a pap test. I was actually so neverous and dreading having to have this done that when I got into the doctor's office instead of being honest and telling her how I was feeling I just blurted out, "No offense, but I hate doctors." Not the thing to say just before some one is about to place a speculum inside of you. She even threatensed not to warm it up. Instead of telling my doctor how scared and nervous I was and how I was feeling about the whole thing my defence mechanisms kicked in and I said something really dumb, to make it appear that is why I had not had a pap test done earlier.

I was a fool to think that what my father did to me as a child would not affect me. I honestly used to think that if I just ignored the past it would not affect me. Well today was a huge example of how I am still affected by the wounds of the past, and in my fear of what others will think I refuse to be honest and share why I am so afraid. And then I go and say something stupid, which in the end only makes it worse for me than if I would have kept my mouth shut. I had every opportunity to tell my doctor that I really don't hate doctors, and that the reason for my anxiety was because I was sexually abused as a child. Even afterwards I could have been honest, and it may have changed to whole tone of the appointment, and maybe have brought some understanding and clarity to my doctor as to why I said such a dumb thing.

I am so tired of my father bad choices still impacting my life. Joy reassures me that one day the imapct will be much less, it just feels that the impact is still so huge. One day maybe. For now since it feels as though it will never have less of an impact I will have to trust those who have walked this path before me, and hold onto that hope.

Happy Valentines Day!

So today is Valentines Day and I wanted to post a picture of my Valentine! I am truly blessed to have you in my life Jeral David Krahn. Thank you for being my constant friend, my husband, my lover, and so much more. I cannot imagine my life without you. I am looking forward to many more years ahead of us Lord willing. Thank you for loving me so extravagantly. You are the best part of my life!

The Blessing of Two Little Boys

So I have been baby sitting a lot as of late for two wonderful little boys. Adam is 3 and 1/2, and Lucas is 1. They are a handful sometimes and yet they also bless me very much. For the past few weeks they have had another babysitter because I have been so crazy busy. Well the boys started asking for me, and since the other babysitter is struggling a little bit (she has a small son of her own also to take care of) I have been driving into the camp to babysit the afternoon shift.

Today however I babysat in the morning, and I was supposed to keep Lucas up so he would just have one nap this afternoon. Well at around 11:15 this morning he threw himself to the floor and screamed so I picked him up and cuddled with him, only to realize 5 minutes later he had fallen asleep in my arms. So much for keeping him awake. However I must admit that having Lucas sleep in my arms was a wonderful feeling, so I didn't put him in his crib right away. I went and go his blanket and then for 20 minutes rocked him in the rocking chair. My heart melted, as I prayed and told Jesus that I want this! I am ready for this, and though I will trust God and his timing. We promised to give Jesus a year so we will. I just felt the need to tell Jesus I am ready now.

Back when we were doing the fertility drugs I was torn between the desire to be a mom and the thought of not seeing my counsellor anymore. I was not ready to stop seeing Joy, in part due to the cloudy fog I was in from all the extra hormones. I know that I will be sad when I no longer make the trips down to see her because I have grown very fond of Joy, and enjoy the little segways (spelling?) we sometimes go on. There was a huge part of me that did not want to get pregnant then because of what I would be giving up and I was terrified. Now that I can think clearly I feel so different, and look forward to telling I am going to be a mom so it is time to say goodbye to her. I know that I will keep seeing Joy until she and I decide that I have reached the place that we agreed was where I needed to be, or I am Jeral and I become parents. Really thing journey towards healing is also a journey towards motherhood, however that may look for me.

Anyways rocking Lucas as he slept brought this all very freshly to my mind. Adam and Lucas really are a blessing in my life. And maybe one day I will be rocking my precious child and remember this day.