The Blessing of Two Little Boys

So I have been baby sitting a lot as of late for two wonderful little boys. Adam is 3 and 1/2, and Lucas is 1. They are a handful sometimes and yet they also bless me very much. For the past few weeks they have had another babysitter because I have been so crazy busy. Well the boys started asking for me, and since the other babysitter is struggling a little bit (she has a small son of her own also to take care of) I have been driving into the camp to babysit the afternoon shift.

Today however I babysat in the morning, and I was supposed to keep Lucas up so he would just have one nap this afternoon. Well at around 11:15 this morning he threw himself to the floor and screamed so I picked him up and cuddled with him, only to realize 5 minutes later he had fallen asleep in my arms. So much for keeping him awake. However I must admit that having Lucas sleep in my arms was a wonderful feeling, so I didn't put him in his crib right away. I went and go his blanket and then for 20 minutes rocked him in the rocking chair. My heart melted, as I prayed and told Jesus that I want this! I am ready for this, and though I will trust God and his timing. We promised to give Jesus a year so we will. I just felt the need to tell Jesus I am ready now.

Back when we were doing the fertility drugs I was torn between the desire to be a mom and the thought of not seeing my counsellor anymore. I was not ready to stop seeing Joy, in part due to the cloudy fog I was in from all the extra hormones. I know that I will be sad when I no longer make the trips down to see her because I have grown very fond of Joy, and enjoy the little segways (spelling?) we sometimes go on. There was a huge part of me that did not want to get pregnant then because of what I would be giving up and I was terrified. Now that I can think clearly I feel so different, and look forward to telling I am going to be a mom so it is time to say goodbye to her. I know that I will keep seeing Joy until she and I decide that I have reached the place that we agreed was where I needed to be, or I am Jeral and I become parents. Really thing journey towards healing is also a journey towards motherhood, however that may look for me.

Anyways rocking Lucas as he slept brought this all very freshly to my mind. Adam and Lucas really are a blessing in my life. And maybe one day I will be rocking my precious child and remember this day.