Something to Pray About

Well were do I begin. The journey that I am praying about right now started many years ago, when I resigned from camp ministry to be obedient to Jesus and what I thought was His calling me to Armstong as a Children's Pastor. Without going into to many details, I felt as though I walked into an ambush, and tries as I might have to make it work I just couldn't. I stuck it out for a year when everything was crumbling down around and there was much hurt on both sides of the issues that were tearing our body of believers apart. Finally I resigned due to the fact that I was going to end up having a nervous breakdowm trying to work two jobs, and plan a wedding (the wedding stuff was the good part, falling in love with Jeral during all the church stuff was amazing and kept me going. If I only came to Armstrong to meet Jeral and fall in love then it was worth it. However Jesus is saying that is not the only reason).

The journey of working with children and youth ended a year and a half ago for me, and I was rather happy to walk away from it all, and hopefully leave my pain behind me as I walked away. Please do not misunderstand, I love the children in our church and I love the youth. For me working with them was one way that Jesus filled the voided of a barren womb, and if anything ever happened to one of those precious children/youth my heart would get ripped out. I kept seeing a need over the next few months and started just wanting to jump in and fill it. All the while I kept hearing Jesus say not yet! Just rest in me, not yet. Well then I came to a place of okay I don't want to go back to this Jesus. Just let me quietly slip into the back ground and fade away. It is when I came to this place that things got alittle interesting.

You see it is when I wanted to fade away into to woodwork, almost to be forgotten that Jesus said, nope Leanne I created you for this. Well then the fight was on. I pretty much told Jesus no way will I ever consider going back to youth ministry. I litterally walked into an ambush. Trust me no one expect things to blow up the way they did, and no Jesus wants me to trust Him. Nope Jesus just let me fade away. Let me be a moma to my own kids is what I keep asking him for. Every time I feel Jesus saying something I just do my best to ignore it.

Well fast forward to this past weekend. I am at a retreat with my mother. If we both would have known what the retreat was about then I am sure we both would not have gone. However Jesus wanted me there to hear from on lady, and to hear the words she was trying to bless me with. A lady by the name of Carolyn Burch looked at me while serving me communion and said, "You are a Leader." My immediate reaction was to tell Jesus to back off. I have no desire to be a leader, just let me fade into the background, some one else can do what you are calling me to do. I started doign the Moses thing, not good enough, send someone else etc. I felt Jesus saying I can fight/wrestle with you for as long as it takes remember I am God and I have eternity.

What am I to do? I can keep fighting or I can take a step of faith and trust. So that is what I am doing. Therefore if anyone of you decide to pray for me and feel that Jesus is telling you something please pass that on. I have asked my church leadership to pray and listen, as well as a few trusted friends, and my husband of course. I want to make sure I am hearing God on this and not just jumping because somewhere deep down I see a need and want to fill it. If the comment by Carolyn "You are a Leader," refers to something else in some other time then I desire to be obedient to that also. So my next step is to be still and listen with others I trust to be in an intimate relationship with Jesus. It is a good thing that Jesus does not walk around with a baseball bat ready to hit me upside the head when I get things wrong. Instead He patiently waits and says, well get it next time, in the mean time lets do something with this!

That is all man I wish I could use less word to write thing out!