Oh I Hate Paps!

Okay men you may not want to read this entry simply because I am talking about Pap tests.

Okay so maybe only a bit of this is about having to have a pap test done today. I was rather nervous and dreading having to go see my doctor and have a pap test. I was actually so neverous and dreading having to have this done that when I got into the doctor's office instead of being honest and telling her how I was feeling I just blurted out, "No offense, but I hate doctors." Not the thing to say just before some one is about to place a speculum inside of you. She even threatensed not to warm it up. Instead of telling my doctor how scared and nervous I was and how I was feeling about the whole thing my defence mechanisms kicked in and I said something really dumb, to make it appear that is why I had not had a pap test done earlier.

I was a fool to think that what my father did to me as a child would not affect me. I honestly used to think that if I just ignored the past it would not affect me. Well today was a huge example of how I am still affected by the wounds of the past, and in my fear of what others will think I refuse to be honest and share why I am so afraid. And then I go and say something stupid, which in the end only makes it worse for me than if I would have kept my mouth shut. I had every opportunity to tell my doctor that I really don't hate doctors, and that the reason for my anxiety was because I was sexually abused as a child. Even afterwards I could have been honest, and it may have changed to whole tone of the appointment, and maybe have brought some understanding and clarity to my doctor as to why I said such a dumb thing.

I am so tired of my father bad choices still impacting my life. Joy reassures me that one day the imapct will be much less, it just feels that the impact is still so huge. One day maybe. For now since it feels as though it will never have less of an impact I will have to trust those who have walked this path before me, and hold onto that hope.