It's late and I really should go to bed, because I have an early day babysitting tomorrow (well I guess today actually) however I am having trouble sleeping.
The more I read, the more I listen to the wise counsel of my counsellor, and the more I spend time alone with Jesus the more I realize that asking God to magically fix things is not what He wants for me to be asking Him. In my mind it is so simple. Jesus just fix my reproductive organs, make my ovaries work, and life will be fine. Right? I try to reason everything out and yet when I stay stuck in my head reasoning things, and coming up with what I think the answers must be I just end up trying to leap over the brick wall of thinking/intellect, to which I truly can never leap high enough to get over.
My sister in law and I went walking the other day, and then she sent me a lovely email, telling me that in the darkness and pain I am feeling God is creating and changing me into someone very beautiful. I honestly do not feel very beautiful most days, and I cannot see the beauty of the fertility situation right now, however I know right now my eyes are covered and one day hopefully I will see the beauty.
So for now, and if it is only for today then that is one more day than I ever thought I would be able to say this, my prayer is that Jesus will be with me, hold me, and comfort me, as I face the hurt and lose of my deepest desires, instead of making it all better. And give me the strength, and humility to say this pray tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after, and every day to follow. Because being with you every day DADA God is better than the six children (or a thousand children) I want.
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Our shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story.
Larry Crabb
Larry Crabb
About Me
- Leanne Marie
- I am on a journey and I get to walk this journey with my best friend and husband Jeral. Together we get the blessing of parenting 3 miracles. All three came via different paths and those three paths have converged into one journey and we are so amazed and honored that Jesus has entrusted us with Kenzie, Jaris, and Hayden.
2 comments:
I hear and feel your ache and pain my dear. I love your prayer. We need to take each day and commit it to Jesus. Each day we need to remind ourselves to fix our eyes on Him and nothing else.
Thinking of you.
(((Leanne))) I know all to well the hurt and pain of Infertility and although I don't fully know YOUR pain, I can relate. It is amazing that you truly want God to "Be the Center".
One of my favorite songs is "Jesus, All for Jesus".
Jesus, All for Jesus
All I am and have, and every hope to be.
Jesus, All for Jesus
All I am and have, and ever hope to be.
All of my, ambitions, hopes and plans,
I surrender these, into your hands.
All of my, ambitions, hopes and plans,
I surrender these, into your hand.
For it's only in
your will that I am free
For it's only in
your will that I am Free
Jesus, All for Jesus
All I am and have
and ever hope to be".
That is my prayer every day.
It's so hard to just let God take it out of our hands, because it's something we thing we should be able to do on our own.
That's the funny thing about God. Our lives are on loan, and ultimately, it is His will that rules in the end, but that doesn't make it feel any better.
I pray that God will continue to give you strength and that He will continue to bless your marriage. May He give you peace and joy....and lots of HUGS.
Christina
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