Autism Spectrum Disorder

Autism Spectrum Disorder - those were word we thought we were prepared to hear.  After all for the past year we have been actively seeking an assessment and so going into Jaris' appointment this past Monday I thought I would be okay hearing those words.  Yet deep down in my heart I really did not want to hear those words.  Yet those were the words we heard around lunch time on Monday May 6th, 2013. 

Jeral and I sat across the table from the pediatrician and the psychologist and as they said out loud that everything is pointing Jaris being on the Autism Spectrum the table all of a sudden seemed larger and time stood still.  Those first few moments after the diagnosis was spoken seemed to be never ending and I felt as though I was kicked in the stomach with a long, hard, direct kick.  And this kick to the stomach had nothing to do with how I was physically feeling only being 3 days post op from Gall Bladder surgery.

I remember looking at them almost like a lost puppy would look at a person with eyes begging them to help one make sense out of what they just said.  The psychologist pushed a box of kleenex down the table towards us.  I clearly stated at the point that we were prepared that this would be the outcome, so what is the next step.  I also said I do not cry in front of people and even told them if I was going to cry about it, that would have to wait until I saw my own therapist that afternoon.  They said I was smart to have an appointment booked, and I said it was not smart this is just my typical Monday- minus being 3 days post op, and basically having my world in that moment obliterated.  They gave us a folder and told us to call a number to set up a meeting with the next person who would help us along the journey, and that was that.  I will be honest.  I spent a lot of time looking over to Jeral, trying to make sure he was okay and also trying to figure out if he was actually understand what was being said.  His face was blank.  I went into immediate I need to make this understandable and okay for everyone else.  Everyone needs to know it will be okay.  Yet I was also having a deep gut wrenching emotional reaction that I felt was hitting me out of left field since I thought I was prepared to hear the words your son is Autistic.

Now please understand I know that Autism is a spectrum.  I even tried to get a hint of where on the spectrum they thought Jaris was and we were told he is to young to tell that.  Early intervention is key and we were now on that road.  I know in the past the word Autism had some pretty huge connotations and a lot of even shame surrounding it.  For us none of that matters.  We know Autism is a spectrum and like they said early intervention is the key, and for the past year we have been fighting to get Jaris back into occupational therapy and into speech therapy.  Unfortunately there is still a 5 month wait list to get into the NONA Autism program.  So in the meant time we will be doing everything we can to meet with a private occupational therapist, and hopefully a private speech therapist, and whoever else will be helpful in this journey to help us help our son have the best life he can have.

We have a lot of grieving to do.  We are letting go of the hopes and dreams most parents have for their children, so that God can replace them with His.  I know that when I was pregnant with Jaris i never dreamed of the day I would be told my son was somewhere on the Autism Spectrum.  It just is not something a mom dreams of as she feels her son kicking in the womb.  Most moms think of hearing their child say I love you mom for the first time.  I am not sure if I will ever hear that out of my son's mouth.  I have a journal I am writing in for Jaris and my heart aches at the prospect that he may not be able to fully understand the words written in it.  Only time will tell if he will understand one day. 

The truth is that while on some levels this diagnosis changes who our daily life will be.  We will soon have lots of appointments, and meetings to go to.  We will have people coming into our home and working with Jaris and us.  We will have people giving us suggestions on the best way to raise our son, and we may not always agree with them.  However this will never change - how I look at my son.  When I look at Jaris he is still the miracle I begged God for.  He is still my sweet boy who I would do anything in the world for.  He still makes my heart melt when he smiles and his one dimple shows.  I will always be in awe that God formed him inside of me.  My constant love for him is still unwavering.  He is my son and nothing in this world or the next could ever change that.  I would rather have this life with the challenges and uncertainties we face with Jaris, than to have a life without Jaris in it!

I know that when people are hurting and life does not seem to make sense that it is easy to try to relieve the awkwardness of not knowing what to do or say by spout of something cliche or give Bible verses and promises from God as the answer.  Truthfully we have no desire to hear any of that.  We just want to be allowed to walk through what we are feeling, to have people just cry with us, and sit in silence with us when words just won't come.  When Jesus found out his friend Lazurus had died the first thing Jesus did was not to start proclaiming this is for God's Glory - despite in his heart knowing that it would all work out.  No the Bible is very clear Jesus WEPT.  That is where we are at in this journey with our son.  We are in the weeping and grieving stage.  This in no way diminishes what we know God is capable of doing and in no way dimishes our trust in God.  We know God is holding us as we WEEP.  It is just where we are at.