In a Brief Moment

So I do not know where to begin. This entry is most likely going to be raw and packed full of emotion, so beware. This is my way of processing what is happening.

I just wish that when the bottom is about to fall out it would not happen right after I see my counsellor. The one person I would be able to fall apart in front of and not feel terrified too I just saw and now have to wait 2 more weeks to see. AHHHHHHHHH!

Something has come up. I am not going to go into details about it because I am a little worried that if those who this involved were to read the blog I would end up getting an angry phone call from them. However I will say it involves money a lot of money. As Jeral was talking about the situation I felt that I heard Jesus whispering give them the adoption money. After the sale of some quota on the farm Jeral and I set aside $15000 to adopt if we are not pregnant soon. After 20 months of trying we just want to start our family soon, and so we set aside the money. We did not feel this was going against Jesus asking us to give him a year with out actually pursuing the adoption process. We set the money aside in a GIC so that it was there when the year was over and we would not have to worry about where the funds for our child were going to come from. So to feel that I am hearing Jesus say give them the adoption money right now is pushing my faith beyond my limits right now.

I am confused and angry that in a moment and just one simple sentence and whisper would be able to steal my peace from me. For a month a whole month I was at peace with whatever happened in terms of biological or not biological children. We had a game plan. When the year was up then we would start the adoption process. Giving them that money was not in the plan. They will get the money in 2 more years like agreed upon, before I was even in the picture. So why now, why is this being brought up now, just as the year of waiting and "not giving God the back door" is almost over?

I feel as though he is asking me to let go of my last hope. Knowing that we would have the money to adopt and that we would have a child with in the next year gave me hope and the ability to be at peace. However I guess it was a faulty peace. It was a peace based on us having something in our back pocket to ensure that we would have a little MacKenzie Joy or Jacob Zachariah one day soon. It was not a peace based on complete trust in my Heavenly DADA.

Then I got furious at one point. Jeral at least got the choice as the weather or not he really wanted to be a biological father. I told him about my PCOS and that it may mean adopting one day, and I told Jeral I would not blame him or judge him if he decided he wanted biological children enough to decided to end our relationship and so he could pursue a relationship with some one else. I on the other hand never got a choice. Jesus never asked me if I wanted PCOS. I never got to say I am okay with not having children someday. I know I am over reacting just a little bit. I am going into my what if mode? What if we give the adoption money to them, as a step of faith that Jesus has heard our gut wrenching prayers and then I stay barren? What if then in 6 years when financially we will have no worries potential birth mothers won't look at us as perspective parents because Jeral will be 49? He does not want to be a grandfather when he is a father. I just so want to give him what is beyond my ability to give to him.

Maybe this is Jesus way of finally getting me to let go of hoping in the things I can do to fix the problem, so I can hold onto the One who is holding us and who is not messing with us or going to mess this up. Today is just a day where this journey hurts more than it has in a while.

Post Op Report

So amidst the heart ache of yesterday I totally forgot to blog about finally getting the post op report from my doctor.

So in short the finding were that yes I have PCOS. My ovaries were enlarged bi-laterally. So using 35 watts of electricity they drilled into my ovaries numerous times. The surgeon felt that my ovaries responded well from what he observed. Only time will really tell if the procedure is successful (aka- we get pregnant).

Upon investigation while inside of me my fallopian tubes, my uterus, pelvis, and cervix are all normal. Yeah for that. Some women have tilted uterus', and narrow cervix's, or twisted and blocked tubes and that is not the case for me. So happy to hear that.

We were at peace with whatever was found because we trust that Jesus wants the best for us, and has only the best for us. I have come a long way in this journey. And as I say that I am relieved that it appears my ovaries are the only issue in the fertility journey.

So now we continue the journey of adding to our family. It is a journey we decided to embark on 19 months ago. It is a journey we have struggled with, cried over, I have been angry and resentful towards God at times, and yet today I know that something is being grown in both Jeral and I that otherwise would not have had to chance to be grown. The last 19 months have challenged us, stretched us, and shaped us. So as we continue on the journey we ask for you prayers.

It is strange. I have come to realize that I have many friends and acquaintances that are also on the this journey with us. More than I ever actually thought. Fertility issues are all around us. For some reason God has chosen some of us to journey this struggle. So to all my friends and even those who I only know of, Jeral and I will continue to hold you up in our prayers, as we prayer also for us. You are not alone. None of us are alone.

Love and Prayers, Leanne and Jeral

Pray for the Newby's

I got an email this morning asking us to pray for some friends of ours. Tara, Preston, and their son Jacob were on their way up to Canada from Oregon for holidays with family and friends. They stopped at a motor vehicle accident scene to help out and some how Preston was killed while helping. Please pray for their families, and for Tara who is pregnant with their second child.

My heart aches for my friends. We love you guys!

Still Waiting and a New Freezer

So I am still waiting. Still waiting for the fax to find out what was done a week ago during surgery. I called my specialist office again today and asked if they had the report yet, and I was told very politely that no they had not received the report and that she has it noted to fax me the report right away once they have it.

On a more exciting note. Today my venture out of the house was going with my husband to the Brick to pick out a new deep freezer. We picked out a lovely black fridgidarie. Well we ordered one and Jeral will pick it up on Thursday. I am very excited about this because we have not had a deep freezer for over 2 years. The one we had went caput just before we got married. Now I will have room for freezer jam, and I will have room to organize all the frozen goods the way I want. I am so excited for it to arrive on Thursday.

After we got home I ventured out on my on for a bit and drove for the first time in a week. I have just been so tired lately that I have not had the energy to drive. So that was fun. I guess I should go make supper for my husband and I tonight. After a week of my husband cooking I think it is time for me to get back at it.

Something is Growing

I thought I would wait until I knew for sure what was all done during my surgery however I have thoughts swirling around in my head right now, so I am going to write now.

Something is being birthed in me. Something is being grown in me. My sister-in-law aptly said today this is the longest pregnancy ever. She meant in terms that something has been growing and is being birthed in me over the past 2 years.

The surgery is a part of this process. I may never have biological children and yet something is growing and changing me in the very core of who I am. To be a peace an trust that no matter what happened in the surgery Jesus loves me and only has me best in store is huge. I can tell you know that 2 years ago I would not have felt that way. Not even 6 months ago would have felt that way. Sometimes I want what I want when I want it. And sometimes I jump and grab at something before it is time. Sort of like a baby coming prematurely. Babies need the time in our wombs to grow and become strong enough to live and thrive in this world.

A few months ago I said to my counsellor I know that Jesus' best way of loving Jeral and I was not to give us a baby right away when we wanted him/her. I had still had so much from the past to face and heal from. And Jeral also had/has things to work on too. For some reason God wanted us to work on this stuff before we added to our family. Knowing this does not take away all the pain of not being able to get pregnant. However it does help me to see the hope beyond the pain. It also helps me to realize that while I may not have a baby growing inside of me right now, something else is being grown, nurtured and birthed.

Will I still have day where the yearning to add to our family overwhelms the beauty and hope o what I am able to see right now? Yes there will be days like that I am human after all. And this is all part of the journey. And an amazing journey it has been.

This surgery was just one more step in the journey. I was at peace if they had to remove everything because then there was some finality. We knew that biological children would then be out of the picture, and adoption was the way to go. And I am at peace right now not know what all was done. I can rest and trust that for the time being I do not need to know. I will find out soon enough. And I can rest in knowing that for now Jesus is calling us (Jeral and I) to trust and not open a door that for the time being Jesus has asked to leave closed. Even though Jesus would not stop us from doing that if that is what we chose to do.

Post Surgery

So I thought I would give a short update on how I am doing after my big day on Monday.

I still do not know what they all did because I was so out of it when I came to that I actually do not remember much. I do know that they kept me and extra 4 hours because I was passing out every time I tried to sit up, I also was de-sating ( not getting enough oxygen), so I was on oxygen the entire time. My blood pressure also kept bottoming out, and I was up chucking violently.

I had a pretty bad reaction to whatever the drug was that they used to knock me out, thus the puking. Once I got home around 7:30pm Jeral had to go check on the farm so my sister in law and a friend came over to take care of me. Apparently I was rather cute in my stoned and high state. I was a little mortified that I needed their help to go to the washroom and so on. Basically any time I moved I vomited. Not a pretty sight. However I was blessed to have my friends with me. Their presence was very healing. More on that later once I have formulated more thoughts.

We did drive to Abbotsford yesterday so I could see my counsellor today. That ended up being what I needed to get the message that I need to rest. I am pretty buggered up right now and very tired. Joy said that she did not think I would listen to her if she tried to tell me not to come, and she was right I would not have. So I am learning the hard way. I did promise that I would take the next few days to rest and let my body. I definitely did not expect to be this tired.

I am calling my doctor tomorrow to find out what was all done, so hopefully we will have some answer in the next few days.

As for now I am going to go to sleep. Thanks guys for all your prayers and support. Here is hoping that this worked and in the next few months I'll be pregnant.

Peace instead of Anxiousness

So on Monday September 8th, 2008 I am having surgery. It is day surgery, they are going in and Drilling my Ovaries. Now I am sure this sounds worse than it really is. The surgeon is going to make two incisions and then insert a scope, which will contain a laser that will be used to drill into different areas of my ovaries. Nothing to big. I was told the worst part will probably be the air the gets pumped into my stomach.

However I was also told that if something gets punctured that should not be punctured then they will have to open me up and fix the puncture, and if they see something wrong with my ovaries they may have to go in and remove one or both. I was at first rather anxious about this. However as I have spent time with Jesus, and envisioned my surgery. I have envisioned healing from both minor and major surgery (including my ovaries being removed), and I have come to a place of peace over everything.

I have come to a place of knowing that no matter the outcome Jesus knows what is best and he is not going to mess this up, or mess with me. If all goes as planned then great, and if we get pregnant awesome. If they have to go in and repair a puncture then I guess Jesus wants me to rest a little more and learn to sit still, because I will have to still and rest for a while. If by some chance both ovaries are over taken by cysts and they have to be removed then I will grieve the loss and trust that Jesus only has what is best for me in mind.

So with a peace like that the surgery can only be a success!!!!!!!

Camping In Osoyoos

Sorry we did not take pictures so this is a no picture post. For some reason we do not take tons of pictures all the time. Maybe though it was because of the wind and the fact that is was so cold. Oh well such is life and the way things go.

So we went camping this weekend. Well my kind of camping, with a beach near by and showers and flushing toilets. When we got there I said to Jeral are you glad we came camping, and he piped up and said this is not camping. In his mind we need to be out in the bush with no showers or flushing toilets. However we could be in a motor coach with nothing hooked up and that would be camping. I don't get him some days.

Both Saturday and Sunday Jeral and I went on a 12 km walk into town and back. It was great to get to spend time talking and connecting, and then going back and hanging out with friends. I honestly think Jeral and I talked more on this trip than the last one because we knew that alone time was going to be minimized.

Spending time with Miranda and Darrell and her family was great. I sure do miss hanging out with friends my age sometimes. And yet I am grateful and thankful for all my older and more mature friends. I truly and blessed to have so many friends, and I love you all!!!!!!!!!!

Last night we spent sometime with Grandpa, and my aunty Cindy. We had supper with them. With grandma being gone I feel that it is super important for Jeral and I to spend time with Grandpa, because I want grandpa to know that just because grandma is gone does not mean that he is no longer grandpa. Whether or not I am his biological grand daughter does not matter. He is the only grandpa I have ever know and so nothing changes. So we had a good time with them. Grandpa is hoping that I will be giving him a great grand baby soon. We'll see about that. My sister technically will be giving birth to a great grand baby before me, however I am the only one who makes any effort to visit so yeah enough said.

Now we are home, and boy oh boy am I ever having a tough time with my wireless connection, and this laptop is brand new. I just got it on Thursday. However it is an Acer and that could be the problem. I'll give it a few more days and if it does not get better by Saturday I will take the computer back and get a different Brand. Maybe a Dell? Who knows.

Well that is all for now. Have a great day and take care!