In a Brief Moment

So I do not know where to begin. This entry is most likely going to be raw and packed full of emotion, so beware. This is my way of processing what is happening.

I just wish that when the bottom is about to fall out it would not happen right after I see my counsellor. The one person I would be able to fall apart in front of and not feel terrified too I just saw and now have to wait 2 more weeks to see. AHHHHHHHHH!

Something has come up. I am not going to go into details about it because I am a little worried that if those who this involved were to read the blog I would end up getting an angry phone call from them. However I will say it involves money a lot of money. As Jeral was talking about the situation I felt that I heard Jesus whispering give them the adoption money. After the sale of some quota on the farm Jeral and I set aside $15000 to adopt if we are not pregnant soon. After 20 months of trying we just want to start our family soon, and so we set aside the money. We did not feel this was going against Jesus asking us to give him a year with out actually pursuing the adoption process. We set the money aside in a GIC so that it was there when the year was over and we would not have to worry about where the funds for our child were going to come from. So to feel that I am hearing Jesus say give them the adoption money right now is pushing my faith beyond my limits right now.

I am confused and angry that in a moment and just one simple sentence and whisper would be able to steal my peace from me. For a month a whole month I was at peace with whatever happened in terms of biological or not biological children. We had a game plan. When the year was up then we would start the adoption process. Giving them that money was not in the plan. They will get the money in 2 more years like agreed upon, before I was even in the picture. So why now, why is this being brought up now, just as the year of waiting and "not giving God the back door" is almost over?

I feel as though he is asking me to let go of my last hope. Knowing that we would have the money to adopt and that we would have a child with in the next year gave me hope and the ability to be at peace. However I guess it was a faulty peace. It was a peace based on us having something in our back pocket to ensure that we would have a little MacKenzie Joy or Jacob Zachariah one day soon. It was not a peace based on complete trust in my Heavenly DADA.

Then I got furious at one point. Jeral at least got the choice as the weather or not he really wanted to be a biological father. I told him about my PCOS and that it may mean adopting one day, and I told Jeral I would not blame him or judge him if he decided he wanted biological children enough to decided to end our relationship and so he could pursue a relationship with some one else. I on the other hand never got a choice. Jesus never asked me if I wanted PCOS. I never got to say I am okay with not having children someday. I know I am over reacting just a little bit. I am going into my what if mode? What if we give the adoption money to them, as a step of faith that Jesus has heard our gut wrenching prayers and then I stay barren? What if then in 6 years when financially we will have no worries potential birth mothers won't look at us as perspective parents because Jeral will be 49? He does not want to be a grandfather when he is a father. I just so want to give him what is beyond my ability to give to him.

Maybe this is Jesus way of finally getting me to let go of hoping in the things I can do to fix the problem, so I can hold onto the One who is holding us and who is not messing with us or going to mess this up. Today is just a day where this journey hurts more than it has in a while.