Faithful, Surrender, and Trust

It is late and I should be going to bed, however I am still thinking way to much to close my eyes just yet.

I have been thinking a bit here and there after yesterday's post. In all honesty I did a lot of numbing first and then the thinking afterwards.

One question that has been running through my head is,"What if Jesus decides that Jeral and I are not to be parents, will I be able to be happy with that?" Then I hear Joy's voice reminding me that our Heavenly Father is not the kind of Father who places a desire in our hearts only to snatch it and never fulfill it. I still place my hurts from my earthy father an mother onto my Heavenly Father. I still have my fears that He is messing with us, with me. Even though I say I know He is not messing with us, my actions do not follow suit. So maybe it is time to take that final leap of faith and surrender to Jesus everything I have been holding onto.

When I sit still and spend time with Jesus I feel that He has promised to one day open my ovaries and womb and bless us with children. About a year ago we felt Jesus was asking us to not give Him the back door. We felt he was asking us for a year. So maybe it is time to surrender to Him. Not because I have too, instead because I want too.

The Bible continually talks about Jesus being faithful even when we are not. The truth is my Heavenly Father has been faithful to both Jeral and I through this whole journey. Jesus knew that there were certain issues and unhealthy patterns in my life that we passed on by my parents to me, and that before I had children I wanted to make sure I was breaking the cycle so my future children would not have these passed onto them. I have been blessed to have had the last two years to work towards that goal. Jesus was faithful in that. He knew that desire so He in His love withheld another desire. So does this mean that He will forever with hold the desire to be a mom, to be a biological mom? I know that I am not able to answer that question. I do know He sees the bigger picture.

If I am honest I would say that I do not want to be barren and childless for the rest of my life just so I can help others who are walking through this journey. I am selfish, I want more than life itself to be a mother. To carry my child within me, to go through the pains of child birth, and to feel all the joys and heartaches of parenthood. I also know that today right now I am not in a place to say I know Jesus will help me get to place of being okay with never having children, and I know Jesus is okay with this because He would rather I be honest with where I am at than to have me lie about it. I also know that He will bring both Jeral and me to the place He wants us to be despite my days of kicking and screaming. Yesterday was a kicking and screaming day, and today, well today is a different day, a new day so we will see how today is lived out.

Now though it is off to sleep and rest in the arms of the One who loves us, the one who in the words of Zephaniah longs to sing over us.