Something is Growing

I thought I would wait until I knew for sure what was all done during my surgery however I have thoughts swirling around in my head right now, so I am going to write now.

Something is being birthed in me. Something is being grown in me. My sister-in-law aptly said today this is the longest pregnancy ever. She meant in terms that something has been growing and is being birthed in me over the past 2 years.

The surgery is a part of this process. I may never have biological children and yet something is growing and changing me in the very core of who I am. To be a peace an trust that no matter what happened in the surgery Jesus loves me and only has me best in store is huge. I can tell you know that 2 years ago I would not have felt that way. Not even 6 months ago would have felt that way. Sometimes I want what I want when I want it. And sometimes I jump and grab at something before it is time. Sort of like a baby coming prematurely. Babies need the time in our wombs to grow and become strong enough to live and thrive in this world.

A few months ago I said to my counsellor I know that Jesus' best way of loving Jeral and I was not to give us a baby right away when we wanted him/her. I had still had so much from the past to face and heal from. And Jeral also had/has things to work on too. For some reason God wanted us to work on this stuff before we added to our family. Knowing this does not take away all the pain of not being able to get pregnant. However it does help me to see the hope beyond the pain. It also helps me to realize that while I may not have a baby growing inside of me right now, something else is being grown, nurtured and birthed.

Will I still have day where the yearning to add to our family overwhelms the beauty and hope o what I am able to see right now? Yes there will be days like that I am human after all. And this is all part of the journey. And an amazing journey it has been.

This surgery was just one more step in the journey. I was at peace if they had to remove everything because then there was some finality. We knew that biological children would then be out of the picture, and adoption was the way to go. And I am at peace right now not know what all was done. I can rest and trust that for the time being I do not need to know. I will find out soon enough. And I can rest in knowing that for now Jesus is calling us (Jeral and I) to trust and not open a door that for the time being Jesus has asked to leave closed. Even though Jesus would not stop us from doing that if that is what we chose to do.