Wishing for a Safe Haven

I love this photo of Kenzie with her cousin James from this summer!  My kids absolutely adore their cousins, and I feel so blessed that my children and so loved by all of their cousins.  They truly are amazing amazing group of young people.

Jeral and I have been talking lately about how blessed we are and how at times we long to just have a "normal" life.  We constantly have people coming and going from our home.  We are constantly consulting with others as to what is the best path for us to take as a family.  I know that many people thrive off of that and would love to have the "extra" help and input.  We are just in a place of input over load.  If money was no object and if we would not miss our families so much I think we would pack up and buy a tiny deserted island to live out the rest of our days as a family.  It would be our haven from constantly being asked to justify every decision we make.  I know that to some who live in countries where the government does not help with funding for the treatment of children with autism I may sound ungrateful.  That is not my intent.  I know how fortunate we are to be able to provide the therapies that my son needs - I also know first hand that the funding we get does not cover it all - we are paying for some of his therapies personally.  I guess I am grieving the life I had thought we would have when we had children and how drastically things have changed this year.

I decided that I was going to start attending the Bible Study at our church again, and then I decided I am not going too.  While I know many LOVE doing Beth Moore Studies, and I am sure she is a lovely person there is something about her that drives me bonkers.  While I do crave connecting with other women (in a setting that does not revolve around my  children, and is less anxiety producing) I realized ladies Bible Study is not where I am at and I am totally okay with that.

One more rant for the day.  There has been an article making it way around Facebook, about Jenny McCarthy Being Dangerous.  While I may not agree with everything that she had said in regards to vaccinations being the cause of Autism, and that the Gluten and Dairy Free diet is a cure for Autism etc., I am very tired of people picking on her.  I think that we are forgetting that she is a mother, and as a mother when your child is diagnosed with a disorder such as Autism you will turn over every stone and look behind every corner to find help for your child and to find answers.  There is no rhyme or reason as to why some children like my son are born with their brain pathways wired different than the rest of typical society.  It is a mystery that I hope and pray will be solved in my life time and that we will be able to help children like Jaris and so many others to a greater extent.  Instead of picking on her and borderline bullying her, try to remember that she is just a mom who wants to help her child.  Instead of judging, and offering sympathy, try empathy!  As a mother of a child who has Autism, I know first had the blessings my son is, and I know how I would give everything including my own life to help him make sense of this world that he lives in.  One that does not make sense to him all the time.  I know the research behind vaccinations and that for the most part science says there is no link between vaccinations and autism.  We tried the gluten free and dairy free diet and it was a bust for us.  I also know that I am curios and educated enough to research the latest fads/therapies for Autism, and that I so long to know why Jaris has to face this struggle.  So because of that I have grace and compassion for a woman who happens to be a celebrity, and who also is a mom.


Oh and just to note we did not put Hayden in the dryer, he climbed in himself.  Apparently he thinks it is the best place ever!

Playing Catch Up

Wow it is hard to believe that i have not posted anything since H's birthday.  I have started many posts and just have never finished them.  Yesterday we meet up with our friends and photographers Heather and Bernie at Davison Orchards for a mini photo shoot at the pumpkin patch.  I sure am blessed to have the family that I have.

So life lately has been busy!!!!!!!!!  Busy feels like an understatement.  I do not want to think how crazy busy we will be once the kids start extra-curricular activities.  I feel as though we are going full tilt already.  

Kenzie is loving preschool and thriving there!  She loves her teachers and tells them every school day how much she missed them.  I love the little crafts she brings home every from preschool and I love that she is so social.  The only time she does not want to go to preschool is when Jaris' OT comes to the house to play once a month.  Kenzie loves playing with her.  Kenzie is definitely not a baby any more.  She says that cutest and sometime most precocious things.  Lately she has been asking to have lots of mommy/daughter dates, and has decided she love Chinese food!  So I am frequently asked to take her to the mall so we can have lunch there!  I can hardly believe that in just over 2 months my little girl will be 4 years old.  We are reminding Kenzie that once she turns 4 we will be moving her back to her bedroom for night time.  While she loves being a big girl when it comes to sleeping she insists that she needs to cuddle with mommy all night long.  I do love snuggles, and I am also ready to have my space at night back!

Jaris is having a tough time emotionally with his school.  He is whipping through things at a fast rate so we know he is capable of completing the tasks set out before him.  He just fights with us in the mornings before session.  Normally I can hold him and his huge puppy dog on my lap and gently remind him that mommy needs to leave soon, and i can go.  However we had some really rough days that broke my heart.  I am thankful that after a talking with the supervisors we sorted some things out.  Unfortunately the agency and I did not get off to a good start when I was told by one of the BC's that Jaris needed to learn that when he cries no one will come to his rescue.  Fortunately I was able to talk things through with the supervisor and the BC apologized and they are willing to incorporate family time into Jaris' sessions.  While things got off to a rocky start, we are seeing Jaris grow and blossom.  I still have to bribe him to say,"I love mommy!"  Yet he is saying it now, which is something I never thought I would hear come out of his mouth.

Hayden affectionately called H at home is not a little baby anymore.  He is starting to walk, yet only when he wants to.  if we try to get him to walk he promptly sits down and crawls.  He loves all things soft and snuggly, and frequently goes after his sisters blanket while she sits all wrapped up in it.  We took the gate off the stairs a while ago because he is an expert climber!  He crawls up and to go down he lays on his tummy and gives himself a big push to slide down.  He is very fast! The only slightly scary part is when he decides to show off and stands on the edge of a stair while screeching in delight!  H has 14 teeth with 2 more cutting, so no wonder my amazing sleeper has decided to stop sleeping through the night!  He had another hearing test in September and he passed it with flying colors.  I am hoping that he is just going to be a slow talker.  So we will keep an eye on him.  I love that H still will snuggle before bedtime. Actually all three of our children snuggle with us and I feel very blessed that they do.

Jeral is doing well.  I am so blessed that he is so involved in the life of our children, and that he is so helpful.  I am truly fortunate and our children are lucky to have their daddy so involved in their lives.

Well this is our life!  Hopefully I won't go 2 months until I blog again.

Hayden is ONE

The birthday boys!

Opening Presents

I think the smile says it all. He is one happy boy!

Hanging out with Grandma Krahn

My mom, Grandma J made this amazing birthday cake or Hayden's party!  Thanks Mom!

Cousins!  My kids have the most amazing older cousins!!!!  I love that they have such great role models in their lives!!!!

One of the amazing young ladies who has on occasion baby sat the kiddos with their cousin Rachel. 

Hayden and Rachel. My kids LOVE their older cousins 

Hayden and his new ducky!

Hayden turned 1 this past Tuesday. The day before on Jeral's birthday we took the family to Kangaroo Creek to see the Kangaroos, after we went out for lunch, and finally we went to a water park. We had a great day celebrating the oldest member of our family an the youngest member of our family. On Hayden's birthday we just hung at at home and did the whole present thing and I made large cup cakes for dessert that evening!  Then this Saturday we had some famil ove or a party to celebrate Hayden's 1st birthday. 

This past year has been amazing and rough for us yet Hayden has been a constant joy. Looking at him now I find it hard to believe he ever was the 9 lbs newborn small baby that he was. Okay I know 9 lbs is not that small. Yet compared to 30 lbs that is tiny!  Hayden, you are a constant joy to our family. I have loved watching you change and grow into the little boy you are. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that you were created by God especially for our family. I love how connected you are o your older sister Kenzie and how th two of you giggle when you play together. I enjoy watching you try to do everything you older brother Jaris does an how intently you each all he does so ou can follow behind him.  I have loved all our snuggles and cuddles. While I am slightly sad that you want to be more independent I am thankful for every moment you just want mommy. I am thankful or the people God placed in my life before you were born who walked with me as I processed the things I needed to so I could successfully nurse you. Being able to nurse you was one of the greatest blessing about becoming your mama. 

My prayer for us still the same as it was the day you were born - that you will grow up the be a man after Gods own heart. That you will stand for what you believe in even when it goes against what is "popular" or what the majority of others say is right or true. I pray you will one day choose to follow God, and that you will know how much God truly loves you. I hope that you will live a long and full life, filled with love and adventures!

I Love you my son!  Thank you for making our family that much better!

Love, Mommy

 

Family Photo Shoot

I love his curly Hair!  So blessed to be his mama!

Almost 1 year old here.  This year went by so very fast!

So sweet and so just amazing.  She is one of the most sensitive and kind girls I know!  And I am her mama!!!!!!

My nephew and Niece just staring at the baby chicken

I promise he did not hurt the chicken!  All 10 of them are growing  nicely in the back of our shop in the Chicken Coop!  He is a future farms though if he wants to be!

The best reaction ever!

Hi baby Chick!  

My three miracles

Simply stunning - this is my daughter and I am blesssed!

Grandma and the grandchildren!

My stunning sister and her beautiful daughter!

A mama and her miracles

I love this boy!

Our Family

My kindhearted daughter

A father and his son

My sister's family

We had a vision for this picture yet it some how just was not going to work

I Wish You Could See What I See

i wish you could see what I see!

I don't see the annoying little cousin who is getting in the way of your badminton game,

I see a little boy excited to see his cousins and their friends

I see a little boy reaching out of his world and offering a bridge to his world

I see the potential of a great moment

My heart cries let him play, join him on the bridge

He will go home soon and then you can play your competitive game

Yet my actions and words betray my heart

I send his daddy to take him away, knowing an already unstable bridge may completely fall apart!

I wish you could see what I see!

I don't see the annoying boy who just wants his way

I see a boy excited to maybe get to go and play

I see a little boy who just wants to be included

I see an olive branch being offered, and a child literally begging someone to take it

My heart crumbles as I know there is nothing I can do

Judgements are made and sentences I feel have been passed

So I hold my son as he screams an incoherent plea

And if I were to translate he would say please include me

I wish you could see what I see

I don't see a little boy who is too rough

I see a little boy living in a world that is not made for children with brains wired differently

I see a little boy looking to connect 

I know it is hard to understand

His ways are not your ways

His wonderful brain and body work differently

He shows his love and connection uniquely 

I wish you could see what I see

I don't see a rude little boy who just said no and may have have pushed you away

I see a little boy who in that moment may be in pain and knows no other way to communicate with you

I see a little boy who has found a way to communicate despite words not coming easily

How can I expect others to understand?

The ill mannered child you see is not the one that I see!

I see my son, I see a child who is innocent in this all, yet because he is different will face a life of judgement!

I see a little boy with endless possibilities!  I see the child I prayed for, the child I thank God for!

I wish you could see what I see!

Calgary Trip ( a few weeks ago)

Playing camera shy and snuggling with daddy!

I am a Rock Star

Looking at his feet and probably pondering how to climb over the next fence we come too!

Look at me I am a Beaver

Hmm I have watched Gator Boys I could totally take this Croc on!!!!!  Yeah maybe not!

I have the cutest niece in the whole wide world.

Gorilla!

I love giraffes!  I wish the cable was not in this picture alas Zoo's tend to have cables and fences for our protection.

Hippo

Before

After!  I was so lucky and happy that the peacock decided to strut it stuff!

The three Musketeers!

Holding Hands!  Tyson and Kenzie walked around most of the Zoo holding hands and it was adorable!

Mady wanted to hold hands with her brother and cried when he refused so Jaris decided to walk hand in hand with Mady!  It was so adorable.

A tiger stocking it's prey!  Fortunately for us there was a cage between us and it because it was trying to stalk Kenzie!

Getting ready to pounce!  Very happy for the cage right then!

My Boys!

Yep I am a curvy Mama and oh well!  This is all 5 kids with us!  We have a great time at Heritage Park

All smiles from this boy!  Sure am blessed to be his mama!

So we went to Calgary at the beginning of June to visit my sister and her family!  We had a fantastic time and we were very sad to leave.  Our kids definitely miss their cousins.  

While we were in Calgary I was asked what was the intent behind getting Jaris assessed and ultimately diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder?  The intent was simply this, if things turned out that he did have Autism the funding would open doors to programs that our own private funding would not open up. As well early intervention is the key to helping Jaris succeed in life, and helping us as a family learn strategies that will enhance life for all of us.  Without the assessment and diagnosis the therapy needed would not be tailored in the specific way Jaris and our family needs. And truthfully we just wanted to know. Not knowing what was happening with our on was so hard and frustrating. I was also asked if having this diagnosis meant that we would then let Jaris get away with behaviours or use the label to excuse what he does. I know the question was asked from a place of really wanting to know and trying to gain knowledge, and honestly it is a very valid question. My original answer was no in no way does it mean that Jaris gets away with doing anything he wants. And while that answer is true, upon more time to think about it the reality is that I know there will be times when others think we are letting Jaris getting away with whatever he wants. For example at Jaris age most people would expect that a child would have to say sorry for pulling a siblings hair. Jaris for one does not have the word sorry in his vocabulary, and secondly right now does not understand the concept as his brain is wired differently. For Jeral and I we will have to grow a tough skin and let the glares, and comments slide by us because unless one is parenting a neurologically different child it will be easy to pass judgement on how we parent. 

So in other news, our renovations are coming along!  The master bathroom is slowly and surely coming along!  I can hardly wait for it to be done!  Mostly in part because I am looking forward to taking a shower in our new gigantic shower or taking a bath in the new free standing soaker tub!!!  The residing the house is also coming along nicely. Once it is finished the house will look very different as we are changing the colors. No more white and blue!  Yeah for making our home ours!!!!!  

Kenzie - Where do I even begin with her?  Everyday she says something amazing. For example tonight she told me,"Mommy I like the dark, because the dark is sooooooooo beautiful, like me, and Jodi, and you mommy!"  Seriously who could ever feel bad about themselves with Kenzie around?  Or this almost made me puke, yet it was funny!  "Mommy, I am eating boogers, black one, yellow ones, and all shapes.  They taste yummy!"  I know I ate my boogers as a child yet wow so not interested in eating my boogers now!  We also have registered Kenzie for preschool. Ahhh my baby girl is growing up. I know she is excited for preschool.  While Kenzie always seems to have a smile on her face I do know that all the upheaval as of late has taken a toll on her as well. As a mom I wish I could spare my kids all the drama and stress of life, yet kids are perceptive even when they do not fully understand what is all going on. they get that some how things have changed and they find ways to get out what is going on even if they are unable to articulate them! 

Hayden - He has started to sit up all on his own and he manages to get around very nicely. He has backwards crawling down pat, and goes forward a little bit at a time, then takes a break.  It is very cute watching him.  I love watching his personality develop daily!  He has a bit if a hair fetish!  If he sees hair he can grab he does!  Thus my hair is always tied back.  As a mama I am thankful that he has gone back to sleeping through the night!!!!!!!! 

I know as parents Jeral and I strive to be intentional in all we do with our children, and yet I know despite our best intentions we are not going to be perfect.  My hope is as we journey life together as a family, my children will always know despite my imperfections and my mess ups, I LOVE them with all that I am.