Another Late Night!

I guess that I have been sleeping in too much because when it comes to going to bed at night I sure do have trouble with it. So tonight I decided since I was not tired I would take a longer look at some of the adoption agency websites in BC. When we go to Abbotsford, Vancouver, and Victoria this next week we will be spending some time with his sister's family and she is a social worker who works for an adoption agency. The plan is to talk with her about adoption and the process and what it all entails. We feel that we need to have as much information as possible. I am ready to make this decision and get the process started. However, Jeral needs to take his time in making major decisions, so gathering all the information we can right now is the way to go.

I'll be honest it breaks my heart some days when Jeral and I are sitting and talking or watching a football game and Jeral sees a pregnant woman, or a little baby and he says "hopefully soon that will be us." Jesus asked us for a year, and I am trying so hard to give Him that year, and put out of my mind and heart the desire to carry a child within me and to be a mom. We both knew before we were married that conceiving a biological child may be hard, or impossible. Actually someone asked Jeral if he wanted to give up the opportunity to be a biological father, to be with me. When I found out I was crushed, and then I asked Jeral what is answer was, and told him that if he wanted to wait until the specialist gave his answer then he may as well dump me that night. Obviously he mad his choice. He married me, and some days I wonder if he made the right choice. I know this may sound so foolish. I am just being honest.

Even though I know God is in this with us and He is here holding us, I just want to look Jesus in the eyes and shout "Do you know what you are doing?" And I know for a fact that Jesus would not give the typical cliche, or Sunday school answer that so many people tend to give because they are uncomfortable. A friend a few months ago, just before two other friends prayed for me and my womb, said "God is not going to mess with you, and He is not going to mess this up, and He is okay with how you feel." This is what I cling to some days. Really and truly all that is messed up is my plans. I cannot see the future or what it may hold, or what I may one day hold with in me, or in my arms. So if my plans get messed up for a great purpose than so be it. In the mean time I am just thankful for a husband who loves me despite his disappointment, and a loving Heavenly Father who is okay with all my questions, hurts, feelings, and tears. Thanks DADA!