It's A Process

"The process of becoming the person God wants us
to become usually doesn't come
from success, success, success.
It's loss, success, failure, success,
heartbreak, success, disappointment, success."

(erwin mcmanus)

I took some time to read a friends blog tonight and saw this and thought it was a great reminder of a truth. A truth all to often I fail to see. Knowing this truth does not make the loss, the failure, the heartbreak, or the disappointment any less traumatic, however knowing this truth gives me the courage to get back up when I have failed, even though sometimes the getting back up is not right away, it takes time.

Out side of kids stuff and the occasional theological tantrum/rant since the kids have been born I have tried to stay away from me and how I am doing outside of life with my babes. In part because that is personal and there are people who read that blog that normally I would not share personal stuff with, or the person who would have heard it all once upon a time also reads the blog we did name our amazing daughter after her after all. This way she can watch Kenzie grow up. So I have the two extremes and for that reason it has been safer to stick to kid stuff and how Jeral and I are finding parenthood.

So here is my confession. I have a great life. I have two beautiful and amazing children who I absolutely love and adore. I have a husband who I love so very much and I know loves me despite all my flaws. I have a home, and financial security. I have Jesus walking with me every step of the way. I have almost everything I ever dreamed of having in my grown up life. Yet I have failed miserably with loosing weight and keeping it off. Twice in my life I have lost a significant amount of weight only to put it all back on. The first time more than I lost, this time I have put 50 of the 70 pounds back on. I didn't even weigh this much when I was pregnant. I think one hard part is that in the beginning stages of my pregnancy I was speaking at church one Sunday and I talked about my food addiction and how I was finally turning to God to help me over come it and now I have fallen flat on my ass for all to see.

Yet as I type this I know that becoming the person God wants and desires for me to be may not mean me being skinny (I can wish though!). Becoming who God intended for me to be has more to do with my heart and my soul, the inside stuff. Can I look in a mirror and say I love every curve? Can I look in the mirror and accept myself exactly as I am? Do I want to be a "healthy"weight? Yeah of course I do. That is why I worked my ass off at the cost of my hip before I got pregnant, however more than that I want to be able to look in the mirror and honestly say I love my curves, I love who I am as I am no strings attached. So if it means being the most curvy on either side of the family, and of my friends to get to this place of self acceptance than okay. Plus another truth is that my family and friends don't love and like me for my weight, they love me just because I am a part of their lives. Will I work on getting to a healthy weight? Yeah I will because I want to be around a long time for my babes. Someone has to teach them to how to saran wrap a toilet seat, or to put shaving cream in daddy's hand and then tickle his nose while he is sleeping. However the journey is not about all that, it is about learning to accept me as I am and to be okay with it. I think it is going to be a long journey, yet worth it in the end.

So there you have it. I have a blessed life, and yet even those who appear to have it all still have their struggles and their yuck days!