I will keep this short. Today we found out that the little boy we were hoping to adopt was placed with another family yesterday. I can only imagine the joy that the family is feeling right now. So the adoption phase of our journey is coming to an end. We asked to have our file deactivated. We could have waited another week or two, however we know that we (mostly hormonal me) do not want our hearts torn in half again if by some fluke a birth mom in the next week or two were to pick us.
It is strange thinking that the adoption phase of this journey is over for us. Especially thinking that we thought for sure that was how God was going to grow our family. That maybe the path we take in the future, however for now our path will be taking a different route. A route that we thought we would never have the blessing of experiencing, and for that we are grateful.
So to the little boy we will never meet - we are sad that we do not get to be your parents, and yet we are happy that you have been given wonderful parents to love you and raise you.
Little "Joy Bug" - daddy and I (mommy) are so thankful that Jesus blessed our lives with you and we look forward to the day you get to meet us! We love you more than life!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
No Need to Perform
Matthew 6: 6 "Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just BE THERE as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace." (Message)
I was reading this this morning, and realized this is why I love my quiet times alone with Jesus so much. I don't need to or feel the pressure to "perform" or be the "perfect" Christian woman when it is just me and and my Heavenly Papa! I can just be. I can be sobbing my eyes out and it doesn't matter. I can be mad and Jesus is like "bring it on I can handle it!" I can be quiet because I don't have any words or energy left to speak, and that is fine too. I can just be.
Sometimes to find a quiet secluded place is hard to do. I am a stay at home wife/mom (soon), and right now I am able to find my quiet places. When I was working at the church or working at the school sometimes I just needed that quiet time if even for a minute with Jesus, yet finding it was so hard. Well at least in the physical sense. Maybe the quiet secluded place needs to be a place with us that we can go to with Jesus, to be quiet if even for a moment and just be. In that safe and quiet place if even for a moment there is no need to perform, no need to get it right, or be the star of the show. Only a desire to be with the One who loves me more than I will ever know! Something to think about at least. Not sure how to get there yet, however I will sit and be with Jesus trusting there will be no pressure to figure it all out!
I was reading this this morning, and realized this is why I love my quiet times alone with Jesus so much. I don't need to or feel the pressure to "perform" or be the "perfect" Christian woman when it is just me and and my Heavenly Papa! I can just be. I can be sobbing my eyes out and it doesn't matter. I can be mad and Jesus is like "bring it on I can handle it!" I can be quiet because I don't have any words or energy left to speak, and that is fine too. I can just be.
Sometimes to find a quiet secluded place is hard to do. I am a stay at home wife/mom (soon), and right now I am able to find my quiet places. When I was working at the church or working at the school sometimes I just needed that quiet time if even for a minute with Jesus, yet finding it was so hard. Well at least in the physical sense. Maybe the quiet secluded place needs to be a place with us that we can go to with Jesus, to be quiet if even for a moment and just be. In that safe and quiet place if even for a moment there is no need to perform, no need to get it right, or be the star of the show. Only a desire to be with the One who loves me more than I will ever know! Something to think about at least. Not sure how to get there yet, however I will sit and be with Jesus trusting there will be no pressure to figure it all out!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Week 12
Well this past week and a a bit has been filled with lots of waiting and anticipation. We got a phone call saying we were selected by a birth mom, who gave birth to a little baby boy on September 13th. Then we got a phone call say she was looking at us and two other couples, and today we got a phone call saying that while things are still not decided it looks like the birth mom will be choosing the other family. My being pregnant from the sounds of things is what swung the pendulum in favor of the other family. Things are still not totally decided however it is looking like they will be choosing the other family. As crazy as this sounds we are sad over this news. We really wanted this little boy. I have to keep reminding myself that the other couple does not have the miracle growing inside of them that we do, however the lose and heartache of not getting this little boy is still very real. This adoption journey has been crazy with many twists and turns, and will soon come to an end for now. And with that I will being seeing my counselor at least until the middle of December depending on the roads. And maybe now I can get back to focusing on the homework I have struggled to do for the past 2 weeks.
On a more positive note - I had my 12 week check up today with my OBGYN and after a scare of not being able to hear the babies heart beat at first, and then my having to have an internal exam to check the sized of my uterus, the Dr. realized he was checking to low because I was carrying higher. So the second time round he got the heart beat - a strong healthy heart beat of 160 beats a minute! Yeah for that. I think today would have killed me if we would have not been able to hear the heart beat and then got the news that the birth mom was most likely not picking us.
So with that being said we are going to start getting the nursery ready and ordering the crib and things we want for our little "Joy Bug's" room! I am looking forward to finding out the sex in 7 weeks so I can go crazy with buy cute little outfits and so on!
That is the update for now!
On a more positive note - I had my 12 week check up today with my OBGYN and after a scare of not being able to hear the babies heart beat at first, and then my having to have an internal exam to check the sized of my uterus, the Dr. realized he was checking to low because I was carrying higher. So the second time round he got the heart beat - a strong healthy heart beat of 160 beats a minute! Yeah for that. I think today would have killed me if we would have not been able to hear the heart beat and then got the news that the birth mom was most likely not picking us.
So with that being said we are going to start getting the nursery ready and ordering the crib and things we want for our little "Joy Bug's" room! I am looking forward to finding out the sex in 7 weeks so I can go crazy with buy cute little outfits and so on!
That is the update for now!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Waiting
Why is it that almost all of life feels like a continuous wait? As children we can't wait to go to school (okay I was one of those who loved school), however as school goes on we cannot wait for summer break to come. Then as we get older we cannot wait to graduate and get out of wherever we are and go off to a job, or college. Just something new! Then we wait for the day we meet the one we will fall in love with. Then we wait and look forward to the day we marry that person. The you wait to start a family until the time and is right, and even after you think the time is right you may still have to wait. Then for us we choose to start the adoption process and that was all on big wait and still is, and even getting pregnant is waiting because you wait 40 weeks for the little one to grow inside of you before you meet him or her. Life today feels like on big WAIT. So wait I will and in the mean time I will try to live life instead of just sitting around waiting!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Week 11
So week 11 has come and we have had some scares! I was spotting really badly again on Monday, and wishing I was a woman who did not spot. Still no cramping so we choose not to go to the emergency. I am struggling with just letting go and trusting God with my heart and deepest desire.
On the upside, man alive do I still feel sick, and that is a good sign. I just have to keep trusting and keep falling into the arms of God. With this little one!
In a week I have my 12 week check up (well actually 12 and a half weeks). If all goes well and we hear the babies heart beat then we will buy the crib and other things for the nursery that we will need. I might even go get a bag of diapers just for the fun of it. Oh the joys and exciting times of waiting to be parents, and waiting we are.
In other news - hmmm I am trying to think of other news! Actually I may have some however that is top secret so that will have to wait! I know now I have you wondering. Well just keep wondering.
On the upside, man alive do I still feel sick, and that is a good sign. I just have to keep trusting and keep falling into the arms of God. With this little one!
In a week I have my 12 week check up (well actually 12 and a half weeks). If all goes well and we hear the babies heart beat then we will buy the crib and other things for the nursery that we will need. I might even go get a bag of diapers just for the fun of it. Oh the joys and exciting times of waiting to be parents, and waiting we are.
In other news - hmmm I am trying to think of other news! Actually I may have some however that is top secret so that will have to wait! I know now I have you wondering. Well just keep wondering.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Week 10
So I am ten weeks and 4 days now! So crazy, I remember when we first got pregnant that I thought it would be a miracle for the baby to make it this far. That is in part to my fear that everything good gets taken away - a ball of yarn I am constantly and very much so working and sitting with Jesus to give up.
What has this week brought. Well since my blood sugar levels were so good yesterday when I showed them everything I get to stop sticking myself 4 times a day, and only have to do it once a day. Yeah for that, now my fingers are not so much of a pin cushion.
I was down in Abbotsford this week and wow I was emotionally drained of everything by the time I was done. I also had an issue with my car. I killed the battery. Chalk that up to pregnancy brain. I am blessed to have good friends down there who came and picked me up to drive me to my session with Joy, and then after walking back to their place drove me to my car where we jumped it and I was able to drive home.
I got to spend sometime with one of my closest friends in the whole wide world. She lost her son a little over a month ago, and we cried. I miss my nephew, so I can only imagine how much they miss their son.
I ended up sobbing my eyes out in the arms of my therapist, and truthfully I cannot blame the tears on my hormones as much as I wish I could, I know that on that day the tears had nothing to do with hormones. I have started contemplating what life is going to look like once I stop see her in December and I am not sure if I am ready for this step. However I know God will direct and guide, and truthfully I have been taught so much by her that I know I will make it. It is just scary thinking that someone who has meant so much to me, to my marriage, and even to my baby (he or she does not know that yet) will not be a constant part of my life. Oh well God knows!
I have a sore throat. I am pretty sure that is due to the lack of sleep I am getting right now and to the emotionally draining week. However, little "Joy Bug" is safely tucked away in mommy and growing every day so that is something to be thankful for and to give praise to God for.
Well I think that is enough of an update for now. I need to figure out what to make my amazing hubby for supper! Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What has this week brought. Well since my blood sugar levels were so good yesterday when I showed them everything I get to stop sticking myself 4 times a day, and only have to do it once a day. Yeah for that, now my fingers are not so much of a pin cushion.
I was down in Abbotsford this week and wow I was emotionally drained of everything by the time I was done. I also had an issue with my car. I killed the battery. Chalk that up to pregnancy brain. I am blessed to have good friends down there who came and picked me up to drive me to my session with Joy, and then after walking back to their place drove me to my car where we jumped it and I was able to drive home.
I got to spend sometime with one of my closest friends in the whole wide world. She lost her son a little over a month ago, and we cried. I miss my nephew, so I can only imagine how much they miss their son.
I ended up sobbing my eyes out in the arms of my therapist, and truthfully I cannot blame the tears on my hormones as much as I wish I could, I know that on that day the tears had nothing to do with hormones. I have started contemplating what life is going to look like once I stop see her in December and I am not sure if I am ready for this step. However I know God will direct and guide, and truthfully I have been taught so much by her that I know I will make it. It is just scary thinking that someone who has meant so much to me, to my marriage, and even to my baby (he or she does not know that yet) will not be a constant part of my life. Oh well God knows!
I have a sore throat. I am pretty sure that is due to the lack of sleep I am getting right now and to the emotionally draining week. However, little "Joy Bug" is safely tucked away in mommy and growing every day so that is something to be thankful for and to give praise to God for.
Well I think that is enough of an update for now. I need to figure out what to make my amazing hubby for supper! Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, September 7, 2009
Yarn
I have been pondering why I have such a hard time letting go of things. I am the type of person who will hold onto to something for dear life, even when I know letting go is what I need to do. I even will delude myself into thinking that I have control over something that I really do not have any control over at all.
Often we are told to give it to God; give our worries, frustrations, fears, hopes, dreams, desires etc., to God. Yet it is so hard to do this especially with those hopes and dreams I feel are centre of my heart. In a moment of honesty here I used to be afraid to pray and ask God to grant me my deepest desires, because I would wondering if there was something deeper that God could see than my desire to be a mom. And if that was the case then the desire to be a mom would maybe not be granted so a deeper yet unknown desire would be what God fulfilled. Crazy I know, and yet that is how I would often think. Good thing God knows I think that way, and sees right to the heart of my fears. Yet I am left with the question as to how do I actually let go and give to God what is actually already his.
I have come to realize that I often go to God with what ever it is I want to had over, and well the way I had it over is like this. Say a ball of yarn represents what I am asking God to take, or what I am giving to God. So once I have given God that ball of yarn I walk away thinking yes, I gave this over to God. However if you were to look in my hand as I walk away I still have the end of the yarn in my hand, and the ball of yarn is slowly unraveling as I walk away from God. I have not been able to fully let go. That is the problem for me. I give God what ever is on my mind/heart (in the Bible the heart and mind are linked, not separated), and yet I walk away so quickly that I am still holding on to a part of it.
Here is the big problem with this. When I keep walking away with the ends of the yarns eventually they all get tangled and a big mess is made. The solution - still talking with God about this, however I believe the solution is to give God the ball of yarn, and then stay and sit in the presence of my Heavenly Father, so that as I spend more time with Him, getting to know him on and ever deeper level, I will be able to not just hand over the ball of yarn. I will also be able to hand over the end I am clinging to. Not sure if this makes sense to you. Just the ramblings, and ponderings of a women on and journey with God!
Often we are told to give it to God; give our worries, frustrations, fears, hopes, dreams, desires etc., to God. Yet it is so hard to do this especially with those hopes and dreams I feel are centre of my heart. In a moment of honesty here I used to be afraid to pray and ask God to grant me my deepest desires, because I would wondering if there was something deeper that God could see than my desire to be a mom. And if that was the case then the desire to be a mom would maybe not be granted so a deeper yet unknown desire would be what God fulfilled. Crazy I know, and yet that is how I would often think. Good thing God knows I think that way, and sees right to the heart of my fears. Yet I am left with the question as to how do I actually let go and give to God what is actually already his.
I have come to realize that I often go to God with what ever it is I want to had over, and well the way I had it over is like this. Say a ball of yarn represents what I am asking God to take, or what I am giving to God. So once I have given God that ball of yarn I walk away thinking yes, I gave this over to God. However if you were to look in my hand as I walk away I still have the end of the yarn in my hand, and the ball of yarn is slowly unraveling as I walk away from God. I have not been able to fully let go. That is the problem for me. I give God what ever is on my mind/heart (in the Bible the heart and mind are linked, not separated), and yet I walk away so quickly that I am still holding on to a part of it.
Here is the big problem with this. When I keep walking away with the ends of the yarns eventually they all get tangled and a big mess is made. The solution - still talking with God about this, however I believe the solution is to give God the ball of yarn, and then stay and sit in the presence of my Heavenly Father, so that as I spend more time with Him, getting to know him on and ever deeper level, I will be able to not just hand over the ball of yarn. I will also be able to hand over the end I am clinging to. Not sure if this makes sense to you. Just the ramblings, and ponderings of a women on and journey with God!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Poking My Self
So even though I do not have gestational diabetes the nurses and doctors have decided to be proactive and I will be poking my self 4 times a day for the next 30 weeks. If I can stay on top of things then they will agree to let me drop that number down to 2 times a day.
As much as I could complain about the inconvenience I feel very blessed to have such an amazing medical team surrounding me for this pregnancy. We started off at an amazing Fertility Clinic and now we have transitioned to an amazing team of medical health care professionals.
The one thing I will complain about it the fact that I do not think I will be able to eat everything they want me to for now however I will endeavor to do so and hope for the best. I am now keeping a food journal so that the nurses and dietitians can make sure that I am eating properly to keep my blood sugars for getting to high. Not the calorie counting kind of food journal just making sure I am getting all the right amounts of each food group. So me wanting to do a bang up job of this has a lovely chart already made on my computer and I will keep track of everything on my lap top.
Anyways I want to get back to the football game! Blessings and hugs!
Leanne
As much as I could complain about the inconvenience I feel very blessed to have such an amazing medical team surrounding me for this pregnancy. We started off at an amazing Fertility Clinic and now we have transitioned to an amazing team of medical health care professionals.
The one thing I will complain about it the fact that I do not think I will be able to eat everything they want me to for now however I will endeavor to do so and hope for the best. I am now keeping a food journal so that the nurses and dietitians can make sure that I am eating properly to keep my blood sugars for getting to high. Not the calorie counting kind of food journal just making sure I am getting all the right amounts of each food group. So me wanting to do a bang up job of this has a lovely chart already made on my computer and I will keep track of everything on my lap top.
Anyways I want to get back to the football game! Blessings and hugs!
Leanne
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Week 9
So I am now a little over 9 weeks along! Yeah for that. I had my blood work done last week! They took 8 viles of blood! Oiy! However I was promised that next time it would be less. My Dr. is just trying to stay on top of things and make sure that certain complications due to my having PCOS do not happen!
Tomorrow morning bright and early I have an appointment with the local Diabetes Center. It is not normal to send a woman there unless she already has gestational diabetes, however as I said before my Dr. is trying to stay on top of things and prevent things from happening that could happen. My appointment is super early in the morning, and well I have not been up all that early lately so tomorrow could be trying for me. I might have Jeral drive me we will see!
Jeral and I are looking forward to this next month being a lot slower. August was crazy, and we really have not had time to just let all that has happened sink in. I am looking forward to having sometime to just relax and journal more intentionally, about life, about being pregnant, and about learning to trust in every sense of the word. First though I will rest up as I am really tired a lot these days. I seriously do not remember being this tired ever! Even after my surgery last year. Crazy that was a year ago, and the end result is that I am pregnant, and so very tired a year later! I love the way things work out.
Sunday went really, really well. I was speaking at my church. I had a garbage pail handy just in case baby really decided to give mommy a run for her money, however I was fine. I ended up chewing gum, which I know is not proper public speaking manners, however a lady has got to do what a lady has got to do. I felt very blessed afterwards. I still have much to work through with Jesus in this area especially of feelings of being unworthy due to things that happened 4 years ago in our church. However God is gracious and bringing me through and reminding me that ultimately man's opinion is not the opinion that matters. The opinion that matters is God's!
Tomorrow morning bright and early I have an appointment with the local Diabetes Center. It is not normal to send a woman there unless she already has gestational diabetes, however as I said before my Dr. is trying to stay on top of things and prevent things from happening that could happen. My appointment is super early in the morning, and well I have not been up all that early lately so tomorrow could be trying for me. I might have Jeral drive me we will see!
Jeral and I are looking forward to this next month being a lot slower. August was crazy, and we really have not had time to just let all that has happened sink in. I am looking forward to having sometime to just relax and journal more intentionally, about life, about being pregnant, and about learning to trust in every sense of the word. First though I will rest up as I am really tired a lot these days. I seriously do not remember being this tired ever! Even after my surgery last year. Crazy that was a year ago, and the end result is that I am pregnant, and so very tired a year later! I love the way things work out.
Sunday went really, really well. I was speaking at my church. I had a garbage pail handy just in case baby really decided to give mommy a run for her money, however I was fine. I ended up chewing gum, which I know is not proper public speaking manners, however a lady has got to do what a lady has got to do. I felt very blessed afterwards. I still have much to work through with Jesus in this area especially of feelings of being unworthy due to things that happened 4 years ago in our church. However God is gracious and bringing me through and reminding me that ultimately man's opinion is not the opinion that matters. The opinion that matters is God's!
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