Yarn

I have been pondering why I have such a hard time letting go of things. I am the type of person who will hold onto to something for dear life, even when I know letting go is what I need to do. I even will delude myself into thinking that I have control over something that I really do not have any control over at all.

Often we are told to give it to God; give our worries, frustrations, fears, hopes, dreams, desires etc., to God. Yet it is so hard to do this especially with those hopes and dreams I feel are centre of my heart. In a moment of honesty here I used to be afraid to pray and ask God to grant me my deepest desires, because I would wondering if there was something deeper that God could see than my desire to be a mom. And if that was the case then the desire to be a mom would maybe not be granted so a deeper yet unknown desire would be what God fulfilled. Crazy I know, and yet that is how I would often think. Good thing God knows I think that way, and sees right to the heart of my fears. Yet I am left with the question as to how do I actually let go and give to God what is actually already his.

I have come to realize that I often go to God with what ever it is I want to had over, and well the way I had it over is like this. Say a ball of yarn represents what I am asking God to take, or what I am giving to God. So once I have given God that ball of yarn I walk away thinking yes, I gave this over to God. However if you were to look in my hand as I walk away I still have the end of the yarn in my hand, and the ball of yarn is slowly unraveling as I walk away from God. I have not been able to fully let go. That is the problem for me. I give God what ever is on my mind/heart (in the Bible the heart and mind are linked, not separated), and yet I walk away so quickly that I am still holding on to a part of it.

Here is the big problem with this. When I keep walking away with the ends of the yarns eventually they all get tangled and a big mess is made. The solution - still talking with God about this, however I believe the solution is to give God the ball of yarn, and then stay and sit in the presence of my Heavenly Father, so that as I spend more time with Him, getting to know him on and ever deeper level, I will be able to not just hand over the ball of yarn. I will also be able to hand over the end I am clinging to. Not sure if this makes sense to you. Just the ramblings, and ponderings of a women on and journey with God!