I hope that you all had a great Christmas this year. I feel very blessed this year. I had a wonderful Christmas with my husband, and he truly spoiled me. Seriously I feel as though I am the most blessed wife in the world.

So I have a bit of something for you to pray about. I am late in starting my cycle. For most women this would be something to be jumping around about and be excited about. Yet for me this makes me nervous. I have tested twice and the tests all come back not pregnant. Okay I can curl up in the arms of Jesus and deal with that. However with my cycle not coming on I am worried that the effects of the surgery have wore off. Before my surgery in September I did not cycle naturally, and since then I have. For someone with PCOS this would be a fear, because with PCOS we do not cycle regularly. Nothing much has changed except for me loosing a bit more weight, so that should help increase the effects of the surgery and not put me back to where I was before. All this to say please pray that if I am not pregnant that my cycle will come on in the next day or two.

Despite being worried about this stuff right now, I got to have a Christmas of dreaming and hoping for the future, so I am grateful to my DADA for that. Thanks God!!!

Well today we are off the the big family Christmas in Kelowna, and we get the blessing of bringing the youngest of our God children with us. These kids are the children of my heart right now, and they will always hold a very special place in aunties heart. Jeral for Christmas bought me a Willow Tree figurine called "Child of my Heart". I wanted it for my special room that I would keep in there as hope and a promise that one day we will have lots of our own kids in our home. However I realize that I am blessed because Sophia and Chloe are the "Children of my Heart" right now! So I do not have to feel guilty about not being a mother and owning that figurine yet. I have two precious little girls and two awesome boys in my life that I get to mother and hangout with on a regular basis!

Enough for now, I need to go get ready! Blessings to all and I hope that you have a wonderful New Year this coming 2009!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas

Hi everyone! Just want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. Jeral and I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas Holiday. We are looking forward to Christmas as a couple tomorrow morning just by our selves before we go and do all the family stuff. It's going to be good. So have a fantasitic Christmas you guys, and a wonderful New Year in 2009!!!!!!

On the other news front, no news yet! We will have to wait and see.

Love you all! Leanne and Jeral

Learning to Have Fun and Be a Kid Again

I am learning to be a kid again. I know that some of you are going what, you have always been a kid and acted like a kid. I am not talking about acting childish and immature (however I have had my many moments like that). I am talking about learning to have fun and learning to play, even if no little kids are around to play with.

I mean who says that coloring in coloring books (and coloring out of the lines) is for 2-12 year olds? Why is is not socially acceptable for a 30 year old to color? Why do we cringe at the idea of asking other adults to color with us. I really felt that Jesus was saying to me in my session with my counsellor this past week to just be a kid and color, and to ask my counsellor to color with me. Oiy!!!! I was a little worried that she was going to look at me all weird and think I was going off the deep end. Instead she said yes, and since I had the felt pens we sat there for 40 minutes and colored. Now imagine seeing a 30 year old and a 60 year old sitting and coloring. What would be your first thoughts if you walked by and saw that? I know I would have wished I was free enough and secure enough to join them. Coloring is fun and enjoyable, so why is it that when we get to a certain age we stop, or we do more grown up things like paint, and if we are not very good at it then we just give up and say we are not creative? Then when we are older and married and we have kids of our own (or babysit) we start to color as long as it is with the kids and not by ourselves. Seriously am I the only one who thinks that there is something wrong with this. I love to color and so I am going to spend more time coloring and enjoy the fun of it, even if others think I am being childish. The truth is children are a lot more free to be who they are then we are as adults.

So I say bring on the coloring books, and the crayons!!!!!!!

My Husband

Okay so I am in the gushing mood yet again. I know that I may not have the perfect marriage. Who does? However I am blessed. So a few days ago my God daughters bought me the Willow Tree Nativity Set and the other sets that go with it. The only thing missing was the Creche that goes with it. I had already decided that I would wait until next year and add to the set with the final few pieces. Well my dear and wonderful husband bought me the Creche today. We were in Kelowna shopping with our niece's and while we split up he went and bought it for me. He was so cute when we got home. He made me go to our room so he could set it up, however I did not know that is what he was doing. So he came to our room and asked me to close my eyes and come downstairs with him. When I got downstairs everything was set up perfectly. I am a blessed woman, and a blessed wife.

Funny as I am typing this out, I realized that Jesus knew how much my heart needed a pick up today. I spent the morning sitting in the back pew at church crying. I am really struggling with watching so many women around me become pregnant. I am also struggling with are we taking our desire out of Jesus' hand if we pursue adoption, or if we pursue other fertility treatments. This is the journey we are walking right now. I know that Jesus will guide us, and I also know that Jesus will love me no less if I fight with him to take control of this myself. Even though I know that I really never will have the control. So today wow, Jesus blessed me, and I will be grateful for the blessing!

My Amazing Husband

I have an amazing husband. I know I say that a lot, and I mean it when I say it. He is over the top wonderful, even on the days we argue. Today he was looking at me, which you know is the norm, because I am so beautiful!!!!!!! :) However today his eyes were just amazing, and he said I was looking at our Wedding Pictures and you are not the same anymore. So I asked him if he meant that I weigh less now, and if he was referring to physical features not being the same? He said yes and that my personality and who I am at my core is different a good different.

Now if that is not a comment that gets amazing sex afterwards I am not sure what is!!!!!!! :) Okay crossing the line with too much information I know. All this to say I love Jeral.

Ridiculously Blessed

The title says it all. I am so ridiculously blessed. This morning I got a phone call from my friend who happens to be the mother of my fabulous "GOD DAUGHTERS". She wanted to come over with the girls and hang out for a bit. I said yes. Well they came with two huge wrapped presents. When I unwrapped them I was blessed my the girls with the Willow Tree Nativity set, Wisemen set, Shepherd and Stable Animals set, and the Ox and Goat set.

I have been looking at them for the past few years and every time I walk away thinking maybe next year I will splurge and treat myself. Well now I have them, thanks to my God daughters and their amazing family. I was jumping up and down when I showed them to Jeral. For those of you who know me well you can probably picture me jumping up and down.

And as I am typing this I am crying. They gave us the gifts as a token of their love and in appreciation for all we have done for them, yet I really feel as though we need to be buying them the gifts and thanking them. Those two little girls and their two brothers have been rays of sunshine and light in our lives, as I have said before they make hearing Jesus say wait easier on us. They have given us so much more than anything we would ever be able to give back to them. So yes I am ridiculously blessed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Straight to the Point

Okay so this may come across as blunt however I am tired of well intentioned friends telling me that I need to change my mind set on how long we have been trying to have kids for. Yes the surgery was only just over 3 months ago, as the surgery definitely boosts or chances of conceiving. However the reality is that we have wanted kids for as long as we have been married. We have prayed for and longed for kids for as long aw we have been married. That is 23 months of us longing to fill our home with children. What frustrates me is that all my friends who have said this have children. And with the exception of one, none of them can understand the heart ache of month, after month, after month of crying because God is still saying wait.

Yes the surgery changes does help greatly. However it does not all of a sudden change our hearts longing from 23 months to 3 months. Life just does not work that way. My heart knows how long I have wanted to get pregnant for, and or adopt children.

There I said what I needed to say.

Best Moment of the Day

So today for some reason I decided to get up and go to the gym with my friend! Oiy, early morning workouts just are not in me. However I am going back tomorrow. I really feel that I need to get my self back in the routine of going to the gym.

Anyways that is not why I am writing this blog entry tonight. After I got home Chloe and Sophia's dad dropped them off and I had the girls for the day. Seriously Jeral and I love having the girls at our place. The girls after being here for about an hour when they went to the back door and started calling out "daddy". When they say daddy at the back door that means they want Uncle Jeral to come home and play with them. Seriously they are adorable. So I called Jeral's cell phone and left a message saying the girls want him to come in. Once he came in from the barns I watched him play with the girls after lunch and watching him play with them was so adorable.

Then came nap time. Jeral put Sophia down and I put Chloe down, and then Jeral and I went down for a nap ourselves. After 30 minutes Sophia started to scream so I got up and picked her up and she fell asleep all snuggled in with Jeral and I. So that was the best moment of the day. Little miss Sophia all snuggled up in her blankie in my arms sleeping as I was sleeping.

The hardest moment of the day was when the girls dad came to pick the girls up. Walking back in to the house and hearing the silence was hard. We have this huge home, and we just want to fill our home with the sound of our children (not necessarily biological, just our children).

The past few days I was okay with the idea f not getting pregnant. However today is a day that it is hard. I am sorry that this seems to be what I blog about a lot. I guess that is because it is so close to my heart, to our hearts. I am ready to give up being selfish and having everything my way, so is Jeral. And we know that we must leave getting pregnant or adopting in Jesus' hands. This is something we have prayed for, pleaded for, and cried for, and no matter what God is good. No matter how much my heart may hurt I choose to say God is good because I know it to be true! So I will hold onto the best moment of the day for today, and say I am blessed that I get to cuddle with my God daughter!

The Journey I am On

I am not sure where to start. I guess that is because trying to explain and put into words what I am about to try to will be hard. I have been in therapy for a little over two years now, and in the last few weeks I have felt as though I have been making huge progress, even though at times the steps I have had to take have been incredibly painful I can see growth.

The biggest reason for this growth is "Little Anna" - You may be wondering who is this "Little Anna"? Well she is me, or more accurately she is my inner child. She is the little girl I once was and in some ways still am. I have come to realize that she is the best part of me, she is the part that feels emotions. loves to snuggle, and enjoys being a girl!!!!! I know this sounds strange and could almost be taken as Leanne has multiple personalities, and I guess if you want to think that well I am okay with that. I know I do not have multiple personalities. I guess if you have ever been in counselling you will know what I am talking about especially if you have done some work on your inner child.

At first when my therapist started talking about taking care of the "4 year old, or inner child," I was not to comfortable with the idea of spending time talking to an imaginary person. I felt weird and yeah like people would think I had multiple personalities. However as I have begun to change and grow, and spend time with "Little Anna", as Jesus and I call her I have realized that my greatest healing moments have come from acknowledging the hurts she had to go through as a child, when I really was that age.

To help me remember that I was just a little girl once upon a time (trust me I for a while thought I came out of the womb as a fully grown adult, even though I knew better), I have a doll. Yes Leanne has a doll, a beautiful and wonderful little doll. When I look at her I am reminded that I once was actually a little child, and that as a little girl I was not able to nurture, or protect myself. She is a reminder that a little 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and 11 year girl is still just a child, and was incapable to stop anything a bigger man wanted to do.

I know this all may seem a little strange, and yet I am not sure how else to explain how amazing and healing this journey has been. All I really know is that I have an inner child and she is beautiful, precious, kind, loving, gentle, feeling, and she is the best part of me. And now I get to spend time nurturing, protecting, and making sure this part of me gets to heal from he past. I get to put this part of me first, and coming to this realization has also helped me to realize that no matter what happens this Christmas in regards to the baby journey, I will be okay. I will be more than okay, because for now I am wanting to put the hurt little girl first. My adult desire to be a mom as much as it is still there no longer needs to be the focus of today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring (only JESUS)!