The Journey I am On

I am not sure where to start. I guess that is because trying to explain and put into words what I am about to try to will be hard. I have been in therapy for a little over two years now, and in the last few weeks I have felt as though I have been making huge progress, even though at times the steps I have had to take have been incredibly painful I can see growth.

The biggest reason for this growth is "Little Anna" - You may be wondering who is this "Little Anna"? Well she is me, or more accurately she is my inner child. She is the little girl I once was and in some ways still am. I have come to realize that she is the best part of me, she is the part that feels emotions. loves to snuggle, and enjoys being a girl!!!!! I know this sounds strange and could almost be taken as Leanne has multiple personalities, and I guess if you want to think that well I am okay with that. I know I do not have multiple personalities. I guess if you have ever been in counselling you will know what I am talking about especially if you have done some work on your inner child.

At first when my therapist started talking about taking care of the "4 year old, or inner child," I was not to comfortable with the idea of spending time talking to an imaginary person. I felt weird and yeah like people would think I had multiple personalities. However as I have begun to change and grow, and spend time with "Little Anna", as Jesus and I call her I have realized that my greatest healing moments have come from acknowledging the hurts she had to go through as a child, when I really was that age.

To help me remember that I was just a little girl once upon a time (trust me I for a while thought I came out of the womb as a fully grown adult, even though I knew better), I have a doll. Yes Leanne has a doll, a beautiful and wonderful little doll. When I look at her I am reminded that I once was actually a little child, and that as a little girl I was not able to nurture, or protect myself. She is a reminder that a little 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and 11 year girl is still just a child, and was incapable to stop anything a bigger man wanted to do.

I know this all may seem a little strange, and yet I am not sure how else to explain how amazing and healing this journey has been. All I really know is that I have an inner child and she is beautiful, precious, kind, loving, gentle, feeling, and she is the best part of me. And now I get to spend time nurturing, protecting, and making sure this part of me gets to heal from he past. I get to put this part of me first, and coming to this realization has also helped me to realize that no matter what happens this Christmas in regards to the baby journey, I will be okay. I will be more than okay, because for now I am wanting to put the hurt little girl first. My adult desire to be a mom as much as it is still there no longer needs to be the focus of today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring (only JESUS)!