So today I was reading a book entitled "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew". Well by the middle of the second chapter I was heart broken, and filled with the desire to pray for my future children even more now.
This was my journal entry after reading what I read.
My heart was sad tonight as I was reading the adoption book. I was sad because I realized no matter how much I love my sons and daughters, my love will not be able to spare them the pain and loss of adoption. I was sad because my baby, my child who I have prayed for, cried for and longed for will not know me as his or her mother the first time I hold him or her. In fact they will be afraid of this strange woman, and no matter how much I love and cherish my baby there is nothing I can do to prevent that. My children will be wounded by being taken from or given up by their birth parents and I am helpless to prevent this wound from happening. I am sad because of the hurt that must take place for my child to be a part of my life and family.
I am not one to enjoy or embrace feeling helpless, and that is how I feel. I know it may sound crazy to feel such intense sadness and hurt for some one I do not yet know, yet the truth I have been praying for my children for a long time now, and love them without knowing them. I have gone from being angry that I have to undergo the scrutiny of my entire life, to being more than willing to go through whatever is a head of us, just so I can hold my baby and say "I love you, and I am so sorry that you have had to go through such loss at such a young age and being so tiny."
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Our shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story.
Larry Crabb
Larry Crabb
About Me
- Leanne Marie
- I am on a journey and I get to walk this journey with my best friend and husband Jeral. Together we get the blessing of parenting 3 miracles. All three came via different paths and those three paths have converged into one journey and we are so amazed and honored that Jesus has entrusted us with Kenzie, Jaris, and Hayden.
3 comments:
oh sweetie. your heart is so big. how lucky are your future children??? as an adopted child...i can tell you that it's true, that feeling of abandonment never goes away, and you do carry it with you. but there wasn't a moment in my life that i wasn't thankful for where God had placed me, and that i thought my adopted parents didn't love me. my anger was always towards my birthmom. now that i'm a Mom, it's changed my view a little, but that resentment will never go away. it's tough. and it's a process. i think the key is to ALWAYS be open & honest with your child about adoption, and everything you know about their family. they will use their adoption against you, like the many times when i was fighting with my Mom when i said "why don't you just give me away like my birthmom did?"...i'm sure it crushed my Mom, but it's truly how i was feeling.
YOUR love will heal them...it really really will.
i LOVE LOVE LOVE you and am praying you through this process. thanks for the chat yesterday!
I love your heart and I am excited to see that joy burst in your heart and on your face when you hold your child.
I think its so neat how in love with these little babies you are already!! a lot of moms don't feel that love intil they hold their child or even until their child is older and starts to respond, but you haven't even met them and you love them like crazy!! and i truely believe that what a child needs more then anything else is LOVE!! I am excited to see what God has in store for you guys in the next little while! love (and a hug!) renee
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