The Kids are Growingup SOOOOOO Fast

Bath time in tends to be one of the favorite times around here!
Look at the beautiful face!

All tuckered out from playing in the toy room and having fun.

Mommy look at me I have daddy's birthday present and I am going to have fun trying to figure it out!

What morning looks like in our family. The kids in their pj's having their buba's.

Helping mommy clean. For some reason they love playing with the broom and dry mop. Go figure. I hate cleaning and they love playing let's clean in their way. Still have a long way to go before they clean up the toy room when they are done playing!

I actually got a picture of her with her hair out of her face. She always has it in her face and will not let me put clips in, well actually I can get the hair clip in and then 30 seconds later the clip is on the floor!

Kenzie and Jaris are growing up so fast. I have pictures of them on my screen saver and I was watching the slide show the other day and my kids have gone from being babies to toddlers, and while I love much about this stage there is some grief over the baby stage being gone. Jeral and i both agree on this our hearts and home are much fuller because of being blessed with their presence in our lives. Next to when they are asleep with their head resting on my chest, hearing their laughter is the next best thing. They are so innocent and just express exactly what they want when they want. I love that some days as Kenzie and Jaris are playing she will drop everything and just walk over and wrap her arms around my neck and plant a kiss on me. Jaris will come and grab my leg and wrap his arms around and lay his head on my knee and just look up at me, then he lets go and puts his arms up in the air and says up. Then there are the times they are not happy and they let us know it, and those times are a joy too simply because they feel safe enough to be who they are with us. They are still at an age where they do not feel they have to be someone other than who they are for us, and hopefully we will be able to keep the going as they grow up. I never want my kids to feel they have to be something or someone other than they are for my approval and love. Anyways I love my kids very much! They mean everything to me, them and their daddy! I am blessed!

Broken Trust

Lots of thoughts have been running through my head as of late. I think one of the reasons I blog is because I find it easier to articulate my thoughts in written format than verbally face to face. I need time to think, I need time to process, and I need time to reflect. Unfortunately this means that at times resolving issues and conflict can take time instead of right away. Which then can mean that things that were said get forgotten.

I have been thinking back to about a year ago, and the end of a relationship that I new would at some point end and yet never expected to end on the terms it did. Maybe if I would have been able to clearly articulate face to face with this person the ending would not have been so harsh. Maybe it would have been easier to talk things through and for the other person to remember things that were said. However unfortunately I let time go by as I processed and reflected. I need time, yet while that can be of great benefit it can also be a down fall. The truth is if I had the courage to really risk getting hurt again I would say to this person. I want to find a way to repair the broken trust that has occurred, yet I am not sure how, or even if that is my responsibility. Normally I would think that the responsibility to repair broken trust would fall to the person who broke trust. I really do not like the idea of living through the rest of this life with the consequences of broken trust, especially not with this person. Alas though the ball I do not feel is in my court and the reality is I am not sure if anything will ever change. So I will have to find a way to let go. I have come to realize that letting go does not mean I will never miss this person, nor that I will never cry or feel sad over how things ended. Letting go means for me releasing the hope that I could go back and change things so they would have ended differently. Letting go means giving up the hope that in the future that trust can be repaired, or even that the other person would want to repair that trust. Letting go will hopefully give me the ability to be able to embrace the present and what is in front of me.

Anyways just some of my thoughts as of late! This is what this blog was for originally. I do promise in the days ahead there will be posts with pictures of the kids and so on. I know that is what my readers really want to see and read is all about the kids especially since they are so cute and adorable!

Six Years Ago

Six years ago tonight Jeral asked me out on our first date! Now me being oblivious to things like this almost shot him down. However I am thankful that I realized he was asking me out and that I said yes to going out for dinner a few nights later! And well the rest is history! I love you Jeral David Krahn! Thanks for asking me out 6 years ago, and thank you Jesus I clued in that you were asking me out!

Happy Birthday Jeral

Tomorrow is Jeral's birthday. I love Jeral so very much. Back in September I had someone ask me what I love about my husband, and well here are a few things. I love how when he wraps his arms around me I melt and feel safe. He is big enough and strong enough to hold me, yet gentle enough to not break me. He is one of the kindest and most gentle persons you will ever meet. He is an amazing Father, who does his best to show what God's Father love is intended to be. I love watching him with our kids. I love how almost every day his highlight has something to do with Kenzie or Jaris. I love how he never yells or screams when he is upset, and I love that our children will get to grow up in a home where yelling is not the standard tone of voice. I love his smile. Seriously when no one is trying to get him to pose for a picture he has the best almost little boy like smile. I love his excitement for life, and I love his excitment and wondering over being married to me (seriously it is a great feeling knowing your husband loves being married to you and looks forward to each new day with you). He is just so darn cute!

Happy Birthday Jeral! I love you!!!!!

I love his kissy face!Daddy's legs are the best tunnel!

Chilling with my older cousin!

Grandpa, Jaris and Daddy! I love this picture.

Life keeps moving. This is something I am really aware of these days. I wanted to slow life down and maybe even stop time for a few days. Yet life went on, and life does need to go on as it is really the only way to move through loss and grief. Yet if I am honest I still do have moments when I wish life stood still.

We bit the bullet and bought a new bedroom set for our master room. We have a mismatch of things both of us had from before we got married and since a great sale came up we decided to buy a new bedroom set. We have to wait until the end of the month for it to be delivered. I guess good things come to those who wait.

We have also changed Kenzie's room around a bit. The futon is up in her room and made into a bed. However my hope was that when she woke up crying in the middle of the night we could just snuggle in her room, and well she still settles way faster when I bring her into our room and our bed. Maybe there is just that added security of being safely snuggled between mommy and daddy. So in our bed our kids will come! Plus the reality is I really do not mind.

The Tattoo Addition

Some times when one is trying to find the right words to express the deep sorrow and pain they are feeling one comes to realize that there are no words. Silence in the midst of sobs, tears, and groans says what no words could ever say.

Well and then there is me. I go and get another tattoo! Okay I am being a little on the I am tough side. Yet my tender heart wanted to always remember so I added a pink butterfly for Kenzie, a dragonfly for Jaris and then 2 other butterflies for the miracles Jesus is holding instead of me.

Our Week

Wow where to begin? Life has felt like it has been going full tilt a head. Our oldest niece got married last weekend and it was so beautiful. I loved how intentional they both were with what they said to each other. I also loved what my sister in law and brother in law said to both of them in their speeches. They left an open door for both of them to come to them and talk about whatever hurts they had from their childhoods, with a promise to listen and do their best to not be defensive. I loved that! I hope I will have the humility to do that with my children.

So Kenzie has decided to start biting people! Oiy! She has drawn blood on two different kids. Ahhhh talk about embarrassing. One of those kids was Jaris and well the other was my best friends little girl. When Kenzie wants you to back off and get out of her space she bites. I am at a loss with how to correct this behavior. I know there are some who would sway bite back, or give them a smack, or flick her mouth, however all of those ideas are actually illegal in Canada since she is under the age of 2, and if she was over the age of 2 those all leave marks and thus are considered to be criminally chargeable offenses. Plus we have intentionally chosen not to use physical discipline. So for now when one of the kids bites us we tend to yelp as if it hurts so badly to startle them. Often this means there are lots of tears because they get scared from the sheer volume It just means thing may not look all nice and neat for now. I know she will eventually grow out of it, and funny thing is my mom would bite people when she liked them and she told me she was still doing it at the age of 5. So crazy!

Despite the biting going on in our house there is a lot of fun too! Jaris is turning into such a little goof ball! I love watching his smile and his laugh, and just how he will check to see if we are paying attention before he attempts to do something we have asked him not too! I love hearing the two of them playing and laughing at each other. I love watching them play together and I love, absolutely love Jaris toddling over to me and putting his arms up in the air and saying "UP".

On Monday my OBGYN prescribed something to help my body let go of our 7 week (gestationally) old baby. I sobbed in my therapists office, something I had fought doing all weekend due to trying to be as happy as I could be for my niece in the midst of grieving for us. So after spending Tuesday with Jeral's family at a cabin they rented we came home and I took the pills hoping they would work, yet not sure. I did not expect labour to start with in the hour yet it did and for the next 7 hours I cried (partly due to the intense pain and partly because I was sad) as my body let go of one of our little miracles. The reality is my little one is in the arms of Jesus and while I so wish I got to hold him or her. I got to know and dream about him or her for three glorious weeks. While I may not have gotten to hold her in my arms, there will come a day that I get to wrap my arms around him or her, and I look forward to that day. So in the mean time, I am adding to my tattoo. I am having a butterfly added for Kenzie, a dragonfly for Jaris, and two smaller butterflies for the 2 babes we have lost in the past 10 months.

I am not sure how to adequately put into words the loss we feel right now. We are so blessed to have Kenzie and Jaris in our arms every day and to have them in their beds in our home every night, and yet the joy of them does not lessen the heartache and hurt we feel right now. Yet in the three weeks we knew about our little miracle we learned so much and realized how much healing had taken place for me in the past 10 months. However that is for another day, and probably not for the blog. All of that goodness is more or less meant for one on one talks with those I trust.

Well that is all for now. I will eventually get more pictures up again, since I know that most of the blog readers really just want to see my adorable babes! I sure do love them!!!!!

Life and Loss

It is almost 4 am and I am awake. Kenzie woke up crying - she had her shots today. All in all it was a tough day. Jeral and I had hoped that come Monday I would be posting a rather wonderful and lovely post. One which contained much joy and excitement. Instead today our world came crashing down around us.

Three weeks ago we found out that I was pregnant. Shocker I know. I think I was more shocked than anyone. I never thought that being able to conceive naturally would be a part of our journey. Yet as I stood looking at the pregnancy test in almost disbelief (actually I was in so much shock that I had taken a total of 7 tests to make sure) I was filled with excitement and started dreaming about this future child of ours.

I ended up at camp right after I found out. I had agreed to speak for the first week of camp, and trust me had I known I was pregnant I would not have agreed to it. However God knew I love camp and well God also knew about today and how I had my heart ripped out. So I am thankful i got to go to camp and enjoy being back in a place I love, a place I have missed, and a place where I have always been able to feel the presence of my Heavenly Father.

So fast forward to the past week. It has been filled with lots of appointments, and one of them was a dating ultrasound. The tech said a few things that freaked me out, yet I tried as best as I could to let them go and trust God, and trust that I was hearing God. I tried calling my OBGYN today to find out what the results were and there was no one in the office. However I had an appointment at the hospital and the DR. there read the report to me, and in short the report said that this pregnancy is being labeled as a failed pregnancy. There was no detectable fetal poll and the yolk sack was on the small side. My heart ripped out when those words were read to me.

Failed Pregnancy? Really Jesus? Am I hearing this right? This is not fair? I want to just shut down - stop time.

My body is still holding onto the pregnancy for some reason. I know God is capable of a miracle, and yet as I was crying on the way home with the kids in the van, I said "I know you are capable Father, I also know you are not obligated, and I know no matter what you will bring us through." In an email to a friend tonight I said that we our heart broken and trying to understand all of this yet also realizing that it is okay to not get it. If I could totally understand and comprehend all of this then I would not need God.

I will be honest the timing of this sucks. My oldest niece is getting married this weekend and I do not want to be in such a broken place. I worry that if I break down I will ruin the joyous festivities, and that is not what I want. Yet I have been working so hard on accepting what is, and this is what is - my child is with Jesus and while He could chose to give him or her back while his or her body is still in mine - I will be okay if that does not happen. Being okay does not mean all smiles and everything is great. Being okay means accepting what is and grieving through it.

I am not sure what the future holds for us in terms of more children. This I do know, I have two of the most amazing children in the whole wide world in my arms everyday and for that I am thankful, and feel so blessed. If you ever have ever met my children you know how amazing they truly are and if you have not met them well maybe someday you will and then you will understand how blessed I am.