A Legacy of Love

Wow so yesterday was a goodbye to Will and Doris Born at the camp I used to work at. Will, Doris and their 4 children lived and worked there for 14 years. Talk about a long time, and so yesterday a lot of people gathered at the camp to remember and give tribute to Will and Doris for all the years of love and dedication they put into the camp.

The whole theme was "Leaving a Legacy"! A legacy of love, commitment, integrity, dedication, and sacrifice. The Born family is an amazing family. I was one of the lucky chosen few who got to give a public tribute to Will and Doris, and that was a huge blessing for me. Often we wait until people have died to pay them tribute and tell others how much we appreciated them etc. Why is it that we wait until we can no longer tell someone face to face what they mean to us? Is it because we are afriad to get emotional or choked up in public? For me to get to tell and reinforce what others had said already about Will and Doris was a blessing and yes I got choked up a bit, and a little emotional because I love the Born family and the legacy that they have passed onto every person who has been a member of staff at Gardom Lake Bible Camp. I was one of the fortunate few who had that legacy passed on to them.

And now the Borns are embarking on another adventure to continue to pass that legacy on through mentoring marriages. Talk about a great place to pass on a legacy of love, intergirty, commitment, dedication and sacrifice. My life and my marriage are richer because of this family.

God Knows

I have spent some time thinking about the fact that God knows and God see, and God can and does use the pain in our lives to bring comfort to others. The reason for this is, I have been thinking about my best friend Marie and the journey she and her husband are on with their son Josiah.

Here is a little info on the journey they are on. Marie gave birth to Josiah 5 weeks early and he was born with a rare condition called Pallister Hall Syndrome. Besides that there are other medical conditions that have kept Josiah at BC Children's Hospital since the day he was born. He has been there for over 7 months now, and so has his amazing mom. Marie is actually one of the strongest women I know. She hates it when someone calls her strong, and yet in her vulnerablity and weakness with those she trust she shows the greatest strength ever. I cannot imagine the private hell on earth they are going through with the circumstances going on right now. And I am fortunate that I get to be there as her friend.

God knew I would be in counselling at this point in my life, and He knew I would choose to go to Abbotsford to see a very gifted and amazing woman as my cousellor(honestly she is a huge gift in my life). And God knew that as I worked on healing the pain and garbage in my life that I would get to be there for my best friend every other week as she hurts and is confused and hurting. To get to be there with Marie and to hurt with her and to cry with her is an amazing gift. And that gift is also helping me to be able to say that if it meant I would get to be there for Marie all the pain and hurt and crap in my life was worth it. I would never change a thing, because now God is allowing to very "WEAK" and yet strong women be there to support eachother and love each other. I can honestly say that if erasing and rewriting my life so the hurt and pain was not there, would mean that I would not get to be with my Marie, Andrew, and Josiah at this time in life I would not do it. I would rather have all the yuck which I know my Heavenly DADA can heal, so that I can be there for Marie.

So enough of today's rambling. I have a floor to finish mopping! I just bought some stuff to clean our hardwood floor with and I am actually excited to use it!

Blessings, on you day!

The Journey to Health

So I am a Coke - a - holic. Not cocain, I am talking about CocaCola. I for the past few years of my life have had at least one can of coke a day, if not more sometimes. It is the real thing or so I thought! The truth is I was addicted to the stuff and lets face it addictions to food, alcohol, drugs, sex, coffee, coke etc., are not good for a person.

I was sitting alone at a place called Mill Lake in between my counselling sessions a week ago today, just spending time with my Heavenly DADA. I love getting to sit by a huge weeping willow just resting in the arms of Jesus as I process all the bunk that has been brought up in the session before. As I sat there this last time Jesus brought to my attention that while we have tackled and face a lot of hurtful and painful things in counselling Jesus wanted to talk about my weight issue. I am a big girl and I have turned to food to fill voids and numb pain in my life. There was nothing better to me than a bottle of coke 591ml and a big bag of Ketchup chips. Even the thought of that makes me really want to quit this healthy eating stuff. However no I cannot, I must stay committed to become healthy in all aspects of my life.

I actually decided to brave the scale that we have in our bedroom. I am not sure why we have a scale in there but we do. I think Jeral's parent left it behind. I was pleasantly suprised to see that I weight less than I did when we have to have physicals for insurance purposes. However I knew something was suspiciously wrong because I knew I had to be more than that. It was later last night that my husband informed me the scale was not in punds but in kilograms. Oiy!!!!! So when I did the math I was still the same weight! However I have to realize that is will be a slow process for me to loose weight and to become a healthier person. I am not going to wake up and over night have become a skinny person, and the reality is that skinnhy is not always healthy either. I really feel God calling me to become healthier, and yes in the process I will lose weight. I don't feel called to get fixated on a specific goal weight. There is a huge difference. I'll be honest. I do have a huge fear with this, and that fear is failure. What if I jsut don't have the will power to stay away from all my comfort foods, and what if I can't loose weight etc.? The realization Jesus brought to my attention is that His love for me will not change. He loves me right now at the current weight that I am. If I loose weight and get healthier He is not going to love me more than He does right now. His love is constant and never changes. So failure or not His love remains. I can dig that! And I can rest in that!

Well blessings and I hope you have a great day. I am off to go clean up after my walk with our dog Tracy!

Fender Bender!

SO I had my first fender bender today. Oiy! I was not sure what to do. I was backing out of my parking spot, one second there was no one behind me and then the next minute there was someone there and bump! The damgage was really minor. My husband Jeral could fix both cars really easily and actually you cannot even tell our car has any damage unless you are looking for it and you face is really close to the car. And the damage to the other car was really minimal. I understand her wanting my information and so on. I however don't think that we needed to go to the insurance company. Anyways we will most likely just pay out of pocket. I did take pictures before I left just to make sure there was photo documentation.

I was a little shaken, and yet thankful that it was not worse. I did dread having to tell Jeral, and yet not as much as the time I had to tell him I got a $368 speeding ticket. His response was accidents happen, and you are okay so that is all that matters. I seriously have an amazing and understand husband. Here I was prepared for him to get upset with me and maybe even yell at me for the first time ever and instead he calmly just asks for a cookie and he hugs me! I know that I was definately projecting the wounding I have from my father onto him when I expected him to yell at me. I have come a long way in my healing journey and I still have a long way to go. Funny how sometimes the smallest thing will remind us of that.

Well now I am off to bake banana bread and oatmael chocolate chip cookies for my hubby! Have a gooder!

Hope

I am amazed at how when we really surreneder something to God that in those moments He gives us back a glimpse of hope. A few enteries back I had basically journalled out how I have come to a place of accepting my barreness as a gift from God. I had surrendered to my Heavenly DADA and His plans for our lives, as much as my heart broke and I hurt, I knew it would hurt more to hold onto something that may never be a part of God's plan for Jeral and I. No joke, that same day Jesus gave back to Jeral and I HOPE. We needed a few things to fall into place for me before we could start the first round of fertility drugs, and the night I blogged my SURRENDER to my Heavenly DADA those thing fell into place.

So now Jeral and I are waiting patiently on God. Yes we have HOPE, not expectations. We have chosen to let go of any expectations. God gave us HOPE that it may be possible to get pregnant, and yet we are not demanding or expecting that God must make sure the sperm and egg(s) connect. Instead we are thankful for the hope our DADA has given to us, and we are trusting Him. The reality is God is God, and if we are to have children of our own we will because God doesn't even need the egg and the sperm to create a life inside of a woman's womb. The other reality is that if we are not to have children of our own all the fertility drugs in the world will not help. So then why am I an fertility drugs? That is a good questions, and I would reply back with a why not be on fertility drugs. The reality is that is does not matter either way God is God!

I bumped into a friend while I was in Abbotsford this last week. Actually I know it was a divine bumping into. She reminded me that God is not going to mess this up, and God is not going to mess around with me or Jeral. Wow, it is so hard to see this and believe this sometimes and yet I KNOW this is true. God didn't give us back the HOPE we have surrendered to Him just so He could dash it away and mess around with us from Heaven. No, our DADA is right here loving us and walking with us through this whole journey, so we can trust Him. We can trust Him through the joys, and through the heartaches and the tears. And I am sure we will have plenty of all of them.

So Jeral and I will wait upon our DADA and we will HOPE, because I believe that without HOPE there is no life. Here is HOPING that in the next few months there will be a blog saying that there will be one more little Krahn's running around our home!

In Shock

I am sitting at the computer in a little bit of shock today. I was not prepared to feel the emotions that I am feeling right now. My mom just called me to let me know that my cousin Mike was in a car accident early this morning and he is dead. All I can think about right now is his wife my cousin Colleen and his two children Justin and Kara. A little over a year ago he left is wife and kids, so in essence Justin and Kara lost their dad then, and yet now they have lost their dad forever.

I know that right now I am still dealing with my grief over my dad's death just before my wedding. My heart aches because Kara and Justin will never get to see their dad again. They will never get to ask their dad why he left? They will never get to crawl up into their earthly fathers lap and just snuggle in for a good cuddle. And my heart aches for them, and if I am honest my heart aches for me too. I know that our Heavenly DADA is bigger than all of this and that He is the one that now Justin and Kara will snuggle with. I am sorry if this blog makes absolutely no sense. I guess death in the way Mike died doesn't make sense. I am still struggling to make sense of things myself.

I think this is all I can say for now. So in the lack of knowing what to say and in the lack or certainty I will pray that DADA God you will hold Colleen, Justin, and Kara. That in the unrealness of loosing a husband, and father you DADA will be the husband and father that they need!

The Best Gifts!

Okay so teo posts in one day I must be on a roll or else I have a lot of time on my hands right now. I think it is both actually. So I just finished cleaning out the pantry! Yeah for that, well I still have to sweep and wipe things down however that is the easy part now. However is it not my favorite part.

Anyways I was spending some quiet time with Jesus this morning in my room and I spent some time with Jesus discussing gifts! Not spiritual gifts, as important as they are Jesus and I were talking about the kind of gifts you give to people. God's word does say that every good and perfect gift comes from God. So why is that at times we do not always think that gifts (aka circumstances in our lives) are good and perfect. As I pondered this several things were pointed out to me.

First because we as humans cannot see the big picture we don't always see that the current circumstances in our lives are the best possible for us. I am not saying this from a postion of oh my life is great and I have everything I want. Don't get me wrong I have a great life. Nothing really to complain about or want for. Except for one thing. Jeral and I want a child, and we have been trying to get pregnant, however I have fertility issues and at this time getting pregnant does not seem to be an option. So my question is how can this be the best possible gift from God at the moment, the gift of barren womb? Especially when I want another gift so badly.

Secondly the lack of a gift may actually be a greater gift than I could have ever imagined. As much as I desire to be a mother I desire to be a healthy mother. One who has come to a place of acceptance who I am and to love myself as my heavenly DADA loves me. This is a gift I would like to be able to pass onto my children. A mother who is okay with who she is and can accept herself and not spend so much time occupied with what others think of her. So then in essence the lack of the ability at this time to have children is really a gift, because I have the gift of more time to have an amazing woman journey with me on my journey towards healing and wholeness. If you would have asked me eight months ago, or even a two months ago I would have not been able to have seen my barreness as a gift. My heart still aches a bit everytime I do say or write this, and yet I know it is true. For right now in this moment the best gift that Jesus can gift me is the gift of JOY! And in return I can give God the gift of time. Time to allow my Heavenly DADA to healing my heart so in the future I can be the best mother He desires and created me to be.

Thirdly, I am confident that the gift of barreness is only for a time. It is the best gift I could have for now. In the Bible there are countless stories of women who were barren and then God opened up their wombs when the time was right. Call it God birth control if you would like! I am trusting that one day I will get to tell my family, and friends God has given Jeral and i the gift of parenthood. In the mean time I will trust God to give me the strength I need to trust that my barreness is the best gift I could have for now.

For those who may read this I would ask that you pray for Jeral and I. Handing over the desire to be parents and trust God is hard and yet we know it will be rewarding in the end!

Blessings, Leanne

Cleaning Out the Pantry!

Okay so today is another day to do some house wifey things! When Jeral and I got married his parents were living in the house with him, so upon our marriage they decided to move out! I am grateful for htat decision. I cannot imagine living with and sharing a house with anyone else but my husband. Anyways many things were left behind. I guess we all collect things and clutter as time moves on. I know I have collected a bunch of stuff since Jeral and I got married. So in an attempt to creat more space and sort out some stuff today I am tackling the Pantry. It is time to clean out what is not ours and box it up and put it in the sun room until Dad and Mom decide what they would like to do with it. Good thing we have a sun room for things like this. I think that I will systematically work through all the rooms and the closets until we have packed up everything that we do not need or want and then we will let Dad and Mom decide what to do with the stuff they left behind. I must admit I have never been one to like cleaning and yet right now I am feeling a sense of accomplishment as I begin to work through the house! If incase Dad and Mom are reading this blog I hope that you understand we are grateful for everything that you have done for us, and we promis not to throw anything away or give anything away until you have had a chance to look through things.

Well now my little break is over and it is time to get back to the pantry!

Have a great day!

Leanne

Making Jam

OKay so I am offically a house wife. Actually I was a house wife once school ended. However with me not going back to school as a learning aid I figure that now is when I am offically a house wife. Therefore today I decided to cook jam for the first time ever! I had a bunch of frozen peaches that my inlaws gave to us, so I figured today is a great day to do house wifey things! This is all very new to me and I think I may have evn messed up the batch of peach jam the first time around. However if at first you don't succeed try, try, try, try, try, and try again! Actually I just threw in an extra package of certo, so we'll see if it works. I hope so, because then I might actually have toast in the morning if it means home made jam! Growing up as a kids my mom made the best strawberry and apricot jam ever. It was soooooo good! So I guess I have time to practice now and see if I can come close to the quality of my mom's jams.
I think this is the shortest post i have made yet!