They Make it Easier!

So I am once again not pregnant. Last night was hard, very hard there is no way around it. I cried and cried and cried once I realized that I had cycled again naturally. I know I am supposed to b happy that I cycled naturally and I am, yet that happiness is not strong enough to over take the pain in my heart over really wanting to be pregnant. I am not sure how I will make it through Christmas now. I know I will, there will be lots of tears though. Especially since the next time I cycle will be on Christmas Day. So either I will have the best Christmas present ever or my heart will be ripped in two again.

With that being said, I am so blessed. These little girls make everything all better. Yesterday (Thursday) they spent the day with Jeral and I. Man did we ever play hard, and laugh hard. I love these girls, and they make not having my own kids easier. Chloe and Sophia, Auntie Leanne loves you more than anyone in this world. Well okay I love Uncle Jeral more, however you girls are a close second. Thank you for brings so much joy to my life and bringing so much healing to my heart!

In Process

So I have been thinking about something for the past few days. I will begin by saying that this is still in process and I am still in process. I have been wondering if when we get to heaven and we see Jesus face to face if we will feel any regret, or feel sorry for hurting the people we may have hurt while we were alive.

At first when I started thinking about this I thought that this was going against everything that the Bible says in regards to heaven. You know is Sunday school when we are told that in heaven Jesus will wipe away every tear, and there will be no more sorrow, crying, and mourning. So then there would be no way that we would feel regret when we look Jesus in the face and in the eyes when we get to heaven. At least in my mind. However as I was driving home yesterday Jesus reminded me of the story of Jesus restoring Peter when he asked him three times, "Do you love me?" So I read that today, and Peter got to look Jesus in the eyes while he was still on earth, for the rest of that we have to wait until heaven to see Jesus face to face. If I were Peter I would have felt awful looking Jesus in the face knowing what I had done and that he was still choosing to forgive me. So what will make seeing Jesus face to face in Heaven any different?

However I was not totally satisfied with just reading the story of Peter in John 21. I read Revelation 7:17 and 21:1-4. I won't type them out here, so you can go read them for yourself. The short version is that yes Revelation 21:4 says that He will wipe away all our tears, and there will no longer be crying, mourning, etc. However this all happens after John sees a new earth and a new heaven. Not the earth we have now or the heaven that we go to now. Plus the words that He will wipe away every tear would to me indicate that there are tears in the heaven that exists now. For tears to be wiped away they have to exist already. So then a person who dies could feel regret, and be sorry for the things he or she did.

Like I said this is still in process for me. I still have a few more commentaries to read, and one more person to talk this through with. However for me I feel some comfort in knowing that my earthly dad may actually feel some sorrow and regret for the things he did now that he is in heaven.

Blessed

Okay so I am not sure how else to describe how I feel today other than blessed. I got home last night from 2 nights and 3 days in Abbotsford. I am blessed to have many wonderful friends down in the lower mainland area. I was blessed to spend two nights with a friend who herself was at a different silent retreat while the one that was in my home went on.

More so I am blessed to have had God place in my life an amazing counsellor. I know that I have other friends who see her and they read my blog, so just know that we do have, or have had an amazing counsellor in her. She really cares about each one of us. I know I always leave feeling special. I used to be very surprised by that however after 2 years one would think I would be used to it by now. Not yet, one day though. So yes today is a day that I feel very blessed.

And besides all these other blessings, I am blessed to be married to Jeral and live the life that we live together. We have our tough spots as all marriages do, and yet I am blessed, we are blessed. When I came home Wednesday evening he was standing at the door waiting to open it and hug me as he said welcome home. I melted into his arms which was so nice. Funny thing is that we had argued big time the night before I left to go to Abbotsford, and yet that morning we made it a priority to resolve what we could and promised to seek out Jesus while we were apart. So yeah I am pretty dang blessed to have a husband like Jeral! And I know I am gushing, and it is all GOOD!

Getting Tired

This weekend, starting with tomorrow evening I am hosting a silent retreat here at my home. I know some of you are thinking silent, what is that all about. Well Friday night is not silent, Saturday is though. The whole idea is to relax and calm one self and just spending time listening, and talking to Jesus. That may be through His word, or it may be through impressions left on your heart, or it maybe through something else he directs us to lead.

In preparation we have been asked to read 1 Samuel 2:1-10, and Luke 1:46-55. These are the prayers of Hannah and Mary after they had become with child. Funny that the theme verses deal are about two miraculous births, and that is what I am praying for.

One of the ladies coming is very pregnant right now, and know it will be hard to be in the same room with her. I had not thought about this until tonight, or may have though twice before I agreed to allow my home to be used for this. I am excited for what God has in store for every woman coming here and I am afraid that I will get so wrapped up in seeing my pregnant friend, and that I will get stuck on that.

As I was cleaning up the kitchen and setting the living room up I told Jesus how tired I am, it has been nearly two years. I just want to get pregnant and have a baby, my baby. I want to be able to go to the family Christmas with all my relatives and be able to look at my sister and be happy for her with out the pain I feel in regards to my empty womb. I want to be able to go to church and see my friends who are pregnant and not need to leave because I am in tears yet again. And yet I told Jesus that no matter how hard this is and no matter how much it hurts I will trust Him. I am just tired right now and do not have the strength to walk on my own, so I need hi to carry me. I am blessed that I know He is able to carry me and is carrying me. What an amazing Heavenly Father we have, I have!!!!! And He is good in everything He is good!!!!!!

Just an Update

Well I am still waiting for my specialist to get back to me with the results of my operation back in September, because if he did not do the tests that he was supposed to then I have to go back and have the tests done. The hospital messed up the report, and the report they sent out said that I had my tubes tied. So not what we wanted, and so not what was supposed to be done. My specialist reassures me that he did in fact drill my ovaries. I have had to call the specialist office everyday for the last week, and they still have no answers for me. I was promised that by tomorrow they would have the answers that I need. I was told though that unless I am pregnant he will do an HSG test, so I am praying and trusting Jesus and hopefully I will be pregnant.

In other news, I was supposed to be going to a silent retreat this weekend, however due to insufficient numbers we are not going to the camp anymore. Instead the retreat is being held at my house. It should be interesting. So we'll see what all God has for the ladies that are coming. I am excited that I have a home large enough to open up and do things like this in. I am also blessed that I have a husband who is willing to hang out at his brother's house so the ladies can have our house for Friday evening and Saturday during the day.

Other news is that my Grandma Pauls is not doing so well. She is rather sick right now and it seems to be a possibility that where she is living is causing the problems. So I may be bringing my Grandma back here to our house next week for a few days. With me going to Abbotsford every other week having her move in with us is not a possibility because she needs someone around. However if we can give her some rest and some peace then that is nice. So we will see.

Well that is all she wrote. I am going to keep cleaning up some stuff for now!

No Going Back

So the last few weeks have taken their toll on both Jeral and I with a homework assignment that I given by my counsellor. Now that I have told Jeral everything, and I mean everything, I thought that life would settle out and things would go back to normal. However I am realizing that thing will never go back to normal. Just as once my dad chose to abuse me life would never be able to go back to the way it was before. Now that Jeral knows the details life will not go back to the way it was before. However as much as there are some really hard days, I really believe that life and our marriage will become better and healthier now that there are no walls and no secrets. So yeah no going back to the way things used to be.

I have also gone through a period of denial and wishing none of what happened was true. This is normal I was reassured, and a phase that I must work through. So working through it according to Jesus means that no I need to put into words the emotions I felt as a child. Okay talk about Jesus taking it one step further than I want to go. Just getting out the plan cold hard facts was difficult enough, and now I am supposed to put words to my feelings. Oiy! I have never been good with emotions, so I know as hard as this is going to be I will find a way to do this and walk through this phase of the journey. This is something I need to do for myself.

So No Going Back! Life will move forward as I choose to move forward. I am grateful to have an amazing husband to move forward with. He is seeking help when he feels he needs it and that is so good. We truly are blessed to have my counsellor and her husband in our lives. As much as we still have the choice to move forward it really is a blessing to have people cheering us on to continue to move forward no matter how hard it gets. However ultimately Jesus is the best cheer leader and He is the one we rely on to walk through this gunk and to not turn back, and He is the greatest Blessing in our lives!

My Father's Voice

I have been thinking lately about how much I make God my Heavenly Father to be like my earthly father. I used to hear the angry voice my father would speak with when I would listen to Jesus. Even when I would read my Bible and I would imagine what God's voice must be like I would only ever be able to hear the harsh and furious voice my dad would often speak with.

In the past two years I have come to realize that my true Father's voice is gentle and loving. My true fathers voice is one that is firm when He needs it to be, and at times there may be a reprimand, however even in the firm reprimands there is always love in His voice. In the past when I heard harsh angry words it was that I was placing my earthly Father's voice on the voice of God. My Heavenly Father, is never changing He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. It was me who put on Him what He was not.

My true Fathers Voice is one that I know I can hear, even if others doubt it and question it, my faith in His promise that His sheep know Him and know His voice is unwavering, and for that I am thankful!

A Little Yet Costly Accident

So once again I just want to say how amazing my husband is. I had a bot of an accident yesterday. I hit the metal pole of a fence and took out the front passenger end of the car. It is going to cost us about $2000 dollars to fix the car. I could tell that Jeral was disappointed however he has reminded me that the car is just a car and I am what is important. His response was amazing and still knowing I had disappointed him hurt me. I hate disappointing anyone, let alone the man I love, and I am so not used to someone responding out of love and compassion to me. I am truly blessed to have him in my life.

When Jeral saw me crying he hugged me and told me to look at a picture that I was recently sent, as picture of Jeral and I together and I was holding our friends baby boy. Jeral said that the picture represents our future, a future we are trusting Jesus for, and that is what is important. He is right, and I love how patient he is with me, and how he just wants what is best for us. I love my husband, just in case anyone ever wonders, it is not like I do not say it enough, however I will say it again, I love my husband!!!!!

An Opportunity To Think About

So I was asked by an old boss of mine this afternoon to think about becoming an online mentor for youth and young adults. I said I need to talk about this with Jeral, and to seek Jesus on this before I say a yes or a no. Man, the old Red (Leanne) would have jumped at this without even thinking. I guess I am starting to slow down and to think a little more before I jump, which is good.

I must admit that my heart is exicted about this. I have so missed being involved with youth, and I could do this from home. I could sit in my Pj's all day and sit at the computer to do this. So exciting and so good. So we will see. I still need to pray lots about this and make sure that this is a step blessed by Jesus, and if he just wants me to hold off for now then I will hold off. We'll see.

Well I am going to spend a nice relaxing night with my hubby watching a movie and sitting in front of the fire place. Oh I am falling asleep already, so bring on the relaxtion!

Report Mess Ups And Other Stuff

Yesterday was my post surgery check up with my surgeon who is also my OBGYN. When I asked him what he all did while he was exploring around inside of me, because I was unable to make heads or tails of the report I was sent, he said that the hospital messed up and put a wrong report in my file. The report I was sent said that Dr. Upton tied my tubes. I got a little nervous at that point. However he reassured me that was not the case. In his notes that were transcribed clearly state that he inserted the needle into my ovaries numerous times and them used 35 watts of electricity (aka, ovarian drilling). I also asked him what the results of the dye test (HSG) where. He said he does not remember doing one on me. However with a messed up report he does not want to say one way or the other. So I have to call back next week when he has the hospital file in hand and we will decide from there what to do. Right now it is looking like I will have to have an HSG test done while I am fully awake. I was so hoping that I would not have to have this. However we will see. So frustrating.

On other stuff. I am having a rough go of it some days. My husband is so amazing, and yet he has so many questions right now. Questions that I struggle to answer. He is so patient with me, and wow since I told him everything he is also way more understanding. Yet I am still struggling. I want to email my counsellor, and she said I could anytime, and as often as I need too, and yet I keep telling myself that she would want me to be dependant on Jesus, and not on her. Which is true, she is always telling me to ask Jesus what He thinks or wants me to do. A good counsellor will not create dependency or him or her, because once the client leaves the office they have to go back to real life, and for some clients real life is pretty sucky.

My real life is hard right now because of needing to face the past to move onto the glorious future Jesus has for both Jeral and I. However outside of facing the hard stuff I have a pretty amazing life. A wonderful husband who loves and cherishes me, great friends, a wonderful home, financial security, so I have the time I need to work on this stuff. All in all I have a great life, a blessed life. I am just having a tough time taking in everything and getting everything out.

Oh well TIME. That is what I keep hearing time, give myself time. So I will!

November

Yeah for November. I have had this sort of rule that on November 1st I can start listening to Christmas music and can start to think about decorating the house for the Christmas season. I love to decorate that house! This is my happy place thought right now thinking about decorating for Christmas.

I am exhausted. There are no other words for how I feel right now, other than complete and total exhaustion. The last week and a bit has been a process of me unlocking the vault with in me and getting rid of all the toxic gunk in there. It is a process of making room for what Jesus wants to place in me instead. More to come on this maybe when I have more energy.

My sessions with my counsellor were bloody hard and yet they were so good. I am blessed that she knows when to push, and when to nurture, and when to say "Leanne ask Jesus about that." The whole opening of the vault and emptying it began with her, I started to tell her about some pretty ugly stuff and she knew I was leaving details out. I don't know how she knew, she just knew. Most likely a Jesus thing. When I finally stopped holding back I ended up pulling my blanket over my head and crying. I so did not want her to see me cry. However Jesus comes to us in the way we need him, and he sure used my counsellor on Thursday. She asked if I would let he come sit next to me on the floor and if I would let her hug me. I shook my head in a yes way, and she came and wrapped her arms around me, and she let Jesus love me through her as I cried. I am so blessed. I know that she does not do this with all of her clients and then I feel double blessed, and I feel special some how.

I have am amazing husband. I know that they last few days have been rough on him, however he has stood by me, he has held me, and he has reassured me of his love. Yesterday was a rather big day all the way around, and because I choose to be vulnerable and drop that wall that I have kept up so high between us, I know that my husband and I moved to a whole new level of intimacy. We both are just wanting more. More in our relationship with Jesus, more in our marriage, more, more, more. To hear his ask for us to pray with him for MORE last night was amazing.

I think I will end this here. I hope that you my friends are are finding time to rest and to let Jesus love you! It truly is amazing!!!!!!!!