Yeah for November. I have had this sort of rule that on November 1st I can start listening to Christmas music and can start to think about decorating the house for the Christmas season. I love to decorate that house! This is my happy place thought right now thinking about decorating for Christmas.
I am exhausted. There are no other words for how I feel right now, other than complete and total exhaustion. The last week and a bit has been a process of me unlocking the vault with in me and getting rid of all the toxic gunk in there. It is a process of making room for what Jesus wants to place in me instead. More to come on this maybe when I have more energy.
My sessions with my counsellor were bloody hard and yet they were so good. I am blessed that she knows when to push, and when to nurture, and when to say "Leanne ask Jesus about that." The whole opening of the vault and emptying it began with her, I started to tell her about some pretty ugly stuff and she knew I was leaving details out. I don't know how she knew, she just knew. Most likely a Jesus thing. When I finally stopped holding back I ended up pulling my blanket over my head and crying. I so did not want her to see me cry. However Jesus comes to us in the way we need him, and he sure used my counsellor on Thursday. She asked if I would let he come sit next to me on the floor and if I would let her hug me. I shook my head in a yes way, and she came and wrapped her arms around me, and she let Jesus love me through her as I cried. I am so blessed. I know that she does not do this with all of her clients and then I feel double blessed, and I feel special some how.
I have am amazing husband. I know that they last few days have been rough on him, however he has stood by me, he has held me, and he has reassured me of his love. Yesterday was a rather big day all the way around, and because I choose to be vulnerable and drop that wall that I have kept up so high between us, I know that my husband and I moved to a whole new level of intimacy. We both are just wanting more. More in our relationship with Jesus, more in our marriage, more, more, more. To hear his ask for us to pray with him for MORE last night was amazing.
I think I will end this here. I hope that you my friends are are finding time to rest and to let Jesus love you! It truly is amazing!!!!!!!!
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Our shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story.
Larry Crabb
Larry Crabb
About Me
- Leanne Marie
- I am on a journey and I get to walk this journey with my best friend and husband Jeral. Together we get the blessing of parenting 3 miracles. All three came via different paths and those three paths have converged into one journey and we are so amazed and honored that Jesus has entrusted us with Kenzie, Jaris, and Hayden.
2 comments:
Something just occurred to me that is a similarity. Our last adoption workshop taught us that once the baby is born, that the birthmom needs to hold her baby and bond in order for her to really grieve (SP), They said, you can't properly grieve something if it wasn't yours to begin with.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that now that you are able to work through these things and really grieve, it will make it easier for you to "let go" in a matter of speaking. You are so courageous for going through all of this. You are so strong. I don't know if I could have been as stong. I'm glad you have someone to help you through all of this and a husband who LOVES you so much and is willing to go through this WITH you. Blessings and hugs.
I'm praying for you :)
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