Facing What Is

So the last time I was down in Abbotsford seeing my counselor, she said something to me that has sort of stuck, and given me lots to think about. She said that if I was able to face what is then maybe the phase of life I am in would not hurt as much. I may have a few words messed up however that is the general jist of what she said.

How do I face what is when I don't even always know what it. I have given this lots of thought in the past two days. So what is and what do I need to face? Is it that I may never have a biological child? Only God knows that for sure. So what so I know for sure that I can face.

Well here is what I believe the answer is. What I need to face is that I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). That is a for sure. I have spent the better part of 10 years trying to ignore or live as though having PCOS means that I can continue on in my life style. Here is the thing, when someone is diagnosed with high blood pressure, or high cholesterol if they ignore it the out come could mean death. When the condition they have is treatable, and if they follow the prescribed advice then life can be full and long. Well having PCOS means that I am prone to high blood pressure, and high cholesterol, and being over weight, and fertility issues, and heart stuff etc., the list could go on. Right now at the stage of life I am in I am over weight and well from previous blogs I think you can gather that we are struggling with fertility. I am blessed that outside of those two conditions the rest of the bigger ones I am not affected by. Blood pressure is good, and so is the cholesterol. However if I keep ignoring this and living as though I don't have PCOS the other conditions will gradually creep into my life.

So what does facing that I have PCOS means for me? I am not sure yet. I do know that it means reading books in the topic. I just bought a cook book created for women with PCOS. I am looking forward to it arriving. Not necessarily looking forward to the flavor less foods I am about to start eating, however for a longer life and a healthier life the change is going to be worth it. It also means exercising. I found this so much easier when I was in Bible College playing sports, or when I was at camp running around. I hate exercising and I do not have the motivation. however I know that this is something I need to do.

I have never been skinny and I honestly do not desire to be a skinny stick of a person. I just want to be healthy. I hate that not being pregnant is what is giving me the time to look at some of these things and the time I need to work on making the changes. However today I read a tacky church sign the said, "Sometimes God gives us what we need in packages that we do not want." So maybe what I need is in the package of an empty womb. I hate that and yet at least for today I can see the truth and the good in it.

This in not going to be easy and yet I know I will find away to do make the changes. I have never been one to give up. I am a little stubborn that way. Maybe that is why it has taken me 10 years to really acknowledge this. However now it is time for change!

Finger Painting

A part of my healing journey is painting more. Finger painting to be exact. I had tried to paint something with brushes they other day and did not like how it turned out so I decided to smear over what I had painted originally and finger paint. Man if I would have finger painted like this when I was 4 and 5 I would have been considered an artistic genius. So here are the two most recent finger paintings.

A few months ago I had a vision you could call it, of a butterfly trying to land on a flower and Jesus said, "Not yet, she it to fragile." Last night for the first time I saw a butterfly land on a flower, when I closed my eyes last night to go to sleep I saw a butterfly land. This is my finger painting of it.

There was something else on this canvas originally and I did not like it so I smeared over it and finger painted this, with my left hand to be as child like as possible for me. Talk about hard, a few times I got frustrated and switched to my right hand.

*Butterflies seem to be a theme for me as of late. My sister in law told me something interesting the other day. When a caterpillar goes into a cocoon the caterpillar liquefies. It actually becomes liquid. Then in the darkness the liquid is transformed into something beautiful. In the darkness the foundation is laid. In the struggle a beautiful creation is born. I am pretty much feeling like a caterpillar who has entered into it cocoon these days. I look forward to the day I get to emerge.

Free Hugs

So two posts in one day! I am on a roll!!!!!!! So I had to make a quick trip to the local grocery store today to grab a few things for supper tonight, and I was wearing a t-shirt I bought a few weeks ago. the t-shirt says "FREE HUGS". I wasn't even thinking about the shirt when the cashier asked me if I was really giving free hugs. What does one say to that? I went on to tell the cashier and the lady in front of me about some of the research done and how necessary hugs are for people to not only to survive, instead to thrive.

Needless to say as I was finishing up paying, I asked the cashier if she was serious about me giving her a hug and she said yes. So I hugged a complete stranger (well I guess not a total stranger, I see her often enough at the grocery store).

So I am thinking about doing a little experiment. I will wear the shirt out in public on various occasions to see what kind of reaction I get, and to see how many hugs I get the honor of giving away, and as I hug each person I will pray for them. I'll let you know how the experiment goes in a few weeks.

Creating New Brain Pathways

I unsure about the rest of you, however for me I find it hard to believe that God loves me, and that God is a GOOD and LOVING FATHER. I find it difficult not because He isn't, instead because I do not feel deserving of such a wonderfully amazing Father. I have lots of father wounds from childhood, and I am working on them.

One thing I find interesting is that when studying a bit about the brain, our brains do what they know. So if we think people are mad at us when they are not in a talkative mood, our brain translates that "he or she must be mad at us," and we go about feeling awful trying to figure out what we did wrong. It may be that the person is tired or has had a rough day, and the silence has nothing to do with me. Or say in childhood something happened and you started to hate your self and feel as though you were not worthy of being loved. If that thought is reinforced enough a path way in the brain is formed and subsequently that will be the path the brain takes. It takes time to undo the old unhealthy pathways and form new one. I am learning this now.

For some of us we come to view God as Father that rewards us with good things, the things we want and desire when we are measuring up, and so He must love us in those moments. When we mess up or something we want God does not grant us, then He must be mad at us and hate us. So in my desire to truly believe that my Heavenly DADA loves me I am working on creating new pathways every night before I go to bed. I grab my note pad, and a pen and I take 10 minutes to do the following:

I wake up in the morning: HE LOVES ME!
I once again find out I am not pregnant: HE IS HOLDING ME AND HE STILL LOVES ME!
I cry, I scream, I sob, I hit the walls, I swear: HE UNDERSTANDS AND HE LOVES ME!
A friend calls to let me know she is here for me: HE LOVES ME!
My in laws come over unannounced: HE IS WITH ME AND HE LOVES ME!
A friend drops by with a hug and a gift: HE KNOWS JUST WHAT I NEED AND HE LOVES ME
I cry some more: HE LOVES ME!
I stuff my face full of food: HE LOVES ME, EVERY INCH OF ME HE LOVES ME!
I didn't do my homework for the day: HE HAS COMPASSION ON ME AND HE LOVES ME!
I am unable to fall asleep: HE LOVES ME!
I wake up once again from a nightmare feeling guilt and shame: IT IS HIS ARMS I CURL UP IN AND HE LOVES ME!

I started doing this the day after we found out I was not pregnant again. I often feel that the reason God is with holding children is a punishment, and that would be the default path my brain takes. And I say no more to this. My prayer is that a new pathway will be formed, one in which I am confident in the love of my Heavenly DADA God! I pray the same for you.

Disappointment

For medical reasons that I won't go into my husband and I decided that I would take the last clomid prescription that I had, instead of birth control. I know how could my options be so opposite and yet they were.

Well a little over two weeks ago I took an ovulation test and for once the test said I ovulated, so off to love and baby making we went. On Mother's Day I could have tested to see if I was pregnant. However I decided not to do that to myself. It took me until today to finally feel as though I could face a negative pregnancy test. I spent the last two days we Jesus telling him my fears, and listening to Him love me up. Well today I took a pregnancy test and the result was "not pregnant". I have fallen apart, screamed, sobbed, hit the shower walls with all my might, and now I am just numb. I thought that maybe just maybe this time would be different. I unable to put into words how much this journey Jesus is walking with me hurts. I know that I will live through this, even though some days I feel as though I won't.

I look at my friends who are pregnant, some of them for the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th time and I ask God when is it my turn? I see friends who are struggling to get pregnant again, and yet they have one child to look at and thank God for, and some how their one blessing helps them make it through the almost unbearable days. And then I hear stories of women who get pregnant and have abortions and I scream GOD THAT IS SO FUCKING UNFAIR! (Sorry if my use of the F word offends you. That is honestly where I am at, and I am not going to sugar coat this). And then I have some friends who are in the same boat as me, just waiting. Some are on adoption waiting list, and if God would give us the go ahead to adopt I would jump at that. Right now we feel He is saying, "Wait, don't give me the back door I don't need it."

In the midst of all this hurt and I do want to say though that I am blessed. My sister - in - law after I emailed her asked me if I just wanted to come over and just be with her so I was not alone. I am blessed to have friends here who lift me up in prayer and who are willing to journey with me on the good days and hard days. If I was alone in this I don't know how I would make it through. It is a blessing to have friends who don't give you the pat answers, or the typical Christian cliches. It is a blessing to have friends who will just sit with you and let you hurt, and who are not made uncomfortable by your hurt. I am grateful and blessed to have such friends in my life, and I love you guys very much.

Lost Keys

So rather funny and yet not. My grandma decided that she really wanted someone to come back and spend time with her, so she "misplaced" her keys (she hid them so well she couldn't even remember where she put them). She was telling the whole family that I must have taken them home with me. I was prepared to drive back there today just to fine them and find them, however my aunt went to the home and found them hidden behind the corn flakes in a cupboards. So rather entertaining.

After they found the keys she called me to tell me that she had found them where I had placed them. Oh my goodness, was all I could think, and to be honest even though my grandma is older and at times we need to excuse old people and the things they say. That little comment from her brought back so rather bad memories of when she took care of my sister and I for a bit. Those 5 months were the hardest five months of my teen aged years. I went from not having a curfew to a curfew of 8pm. I was a reminder of my father to her whom she hates so I was always wrong, and oh my goodness the things (lies) she told the rest of the family about me. All those memories came flooding back. And I know at this stage grandma's life bringing it up with her is not worth it. I need to let it go, and breathe through it when my anxieties when they go sky high with her. This is all stuff that i am working towards in counselling.

Enough venting for one night. It is late and time to go to bed.

Moving Grandma

Today was we went to Kelowna to help move my grandma into a care home. It was hard day on all involved. My uncles and aunts were great and it was nice to see most of them together to help grandma pack up and move.



My grandmother is 87 and has been blind for the last 18 years, so as age set in and arthritis crippled her it was time that she move from her condo to a care home. She has a really nice sweet. And now she will be taken care, and God went before us to clear the path. She got into the best care home in Kelowna, and financially she will be okay if her condo does not sell because her pension covers the cost of being their. Seeing grandma, and my mom cry was difficult. My mom said for her the hard part was realizing that one day it would be her that we moved into a care home. I cracked a joke that if grandma lived long enough we could move mom into the same care home. That joke did not go over so well. Such is life. I thought it was funny.



For me I was reminded today that age is inevitable. I may not like it and yet I am aging. No way around it. I am aging. Watching both sets of grandparents age is difficult. The women who once walked tall and proud are now weak and frail. They need us to care for them, and to help them. Anyways if you think of my grandma pray for her. This change is hard. I cannot imagine how tough tonight for her has been. The first night in her new home.



Well I have ramble on now for a while so I shall go. Have a good night everyone!

Happy Mothers Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there! You are truly blessed whether or not you know you are truly blessed to get to be a mother.

Mother's day can bring a mix of emotions for all sorts of reason. For some celebrating this day is great, you have a great relationship with your mother, and that is awesome, so I say celebrate away. For others it is hard because they may have lost their mother, give your self permission to grieve on this day. Grieving is necessary. For others, today brings pain because they may have lost their child, or their child may not be walking with Jesus (for those of use who do love Jesus it is hard to see you son or daughter walk away from him), and you to may need to give yourself permission to grieve. And for others of us, today is hard because we have an unfulfilled longing to be a mother, and for some reason or other God has said no, or wait.

For me today is a mix of both. I celebrate my mom (actually we are seeing her tomorrow). She gave birth to me, and though we may not always see eye to eye and our relationship has had it's rocky patches. I choose to celebrate her, she is my mother. I also choose to celebrate all those who have in some way mothered over the years. Honestly when we live in community with others who love and serve Jesus we get the blessings of having other godly women walk with us, and sometimes mother us when our mothers are not around. And today I also celebrate the mother side of God. I know that last sentence may cause so frowns and concern and yet if we read scriptures carefully we will find that there are some times when God is referred in terms of a mother Bear protecting her cubs, or a mother hen looking after her chick. I have found that often it is God mothering me through the tenderness of other older women in my life. So I celebrate that today as well.

And I also grieve the fact that I long to be a mother, and for some reason God is saying wait. I honestly thought today I would be able to avoid the hurt since we were busy with a wedding and other things, and yet the ache to be a mother was and is still there. Today I got to hold my friends baby though the wedding ceremony of the camp cook, and I actually spent more time looking at my new nephew Gabriel than I did at the bride and groom. If it were not for the people around us I would have been crying, and that would have been okay. He honestly is perfect in every way. And my heart longs and yearns for the day that I get to hold my babe in my arms. I don't think I will ever let him/her go.

So today is a mixed day, and that is just fine. Today is a day of tremendous blessings and a day of sorrow, and both are good.

That is my tangent for now. Happy Mothers Day to everyone!

A Little Weird

So today was a little weird, a good weird I guess. I was out on the ride on lawn mower cutting our 2 acres of grass, and singing at the top of my lungs, when I saw I someone walking over from my sister-in-laws house to my house. It was my counsellor, whom I travel to Abbotsford to see. Talk about a little strange. I don't think any one who goes into counselling thinks that their counsellor will show up at their house one day and want a tour of the house.

I was in my farm working grubs, hair tied back, my jeans had holes and basically I looked like a farm wife. Normally when I see Joy my make up is on, my hair is nicely curled, you know I am putting my best foot forward. Then she wanted to see my house, and my house isn't dirty or messy, it just was not the way I would have wanted it for Joy to come into it. And yet I think that it was good, basically Joy saw me as I am, not putting my best foot forward.

It was a little strange sitting and visiting with her later in the afternoon and just chatting with Joy and Jodi, and yet it was nice. Yeah all in all strange and yet really good. I am actually looking forward to my sessions this coming week, and with that being said I need to go do some homework that I need to do before then.

Just for Fun

I saw this on my friends blog and thought it would be fun to actually take the time to sit down and think of some things myself.

I am: at this moment rather tired and yet feeling good after doing yoga.

I think: I need to spend more quality time with God and then my husband.

I know: that the week is going to be a little crazy.

I want: to be pregnant, more than anything I want to be pregnant.

I have: so much to be thankful for already. A beautiful home, a wonderful husband, and a life I never thought I would have.

I wish: I could wake up tomorrow morning and be nine months pregnant.

I miss: Marie and my nephew Josiah terribly. I am excited to see you at home next week Josiah, no more hospital!!!!!!!!!

I fear: sometimes that God is messing with me (I know this is not true and yet I fear it, Jesus and I are working on this right now).

I feel: spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. There is no juice left.

I hear: the sounds of my husband on the tractor in the barns cleaning after we shipped one barn load of birds.

I smell: the smell of my shampoo and conditioner in my hair.

I crave: Bag of Miss Vicki's Salt and Malt Vinegar chips!

I search: indefinitely for the answer to why? I doubt I will ever find out though.

I wonder: if I'll ever get to a place of being totally okay, and able to love myself exactly as I am in this moment today.

I regret: that is took so long for me to finally tear down all my walls when I am with Joy (However God knew and I know he is stoked that finally they have come down).

I love: my husband more and more all the time. He truly is amazing, and a gift from God!

I ache: from doing yoga this morning. Seriously yoga is intense.

I care: about all the hurting children in the world, and i wish I could adopt them all. Man Alive I think I would need a bigger house then, however I would build it!

I always: wake up in the middle of the night from being thirsty.

I am not: going to give up and walk away from healing and becoming healthy just because it hurts some days.

I believe: there is much more to every story and journey that God is taking me one. I just cannot see it yet, and I may never fully see it.

I dance: in the kitchen with my husband

I sing: when I am driving in the car and no one else can hear me!

I cry: often these days and ya know what, that is good! Finally the tears are coming.

I don't always: think the best of myself.

I fight: with God on a continual basis because I am a little rebellious, and then in the end I concede.

I write: because writing helps me put into words what I may not otherwise be able to verbalize, and I find it easier.

I win: at cribbage most times I play against my hubby, soon though I think he will catch on and then I am hooped.

I lose: playing pool against my hubby, unless he actually lets me win.

I never: eat fish, yuck! Actually I am allergic so that is my excuse.

I confuse: my husband a lot, and not on purpose most days!;)

I listen: I have a tough time listening

I can usually be found: in my bedroom reading or at the computer.

I am scared of: never measuring up.

I need: to come to a place where I can accept myself exactly as is knowing full well that others may not have a good opinion of me and that is okay.

I am happy about: the fact that my nephew Josiah is coming home this next week after being in BC Children's Hospital for the first year and 3 months of his life. Yeah!!!!!!!

I am Blessed

To three wonderful friends. My life is blessed because you are in it. I love you guys more than I could ever say. You truly are beautiful, and at times you are the arms of Jesus to me. I love a you guys!