For medical reasons that I won't go into my husband and I decided that I would take the last clomid prescription that I had, instead of birth control. I know how could my options be so opposite and yet they were.
Well a little over two weeks ago I took an ovulation test and for once the test said I ovulated, so off to love and baby making we went. On Mother's Day I could have tested to see if I was pregnant. However I decided not to do that to myself. It took me until today to finally feel as though I could face a negative pregnancy test. I spent the last two days we Jesus telling him my fears, and listening to Him love me up. Well today I took a pregnancy test and the result was "not pregnant". I have fallen apart, screamed, sobbed, hit the shower walls with all my might, and now I am just numb. I thought that maybe just maybe this time would be different. I unable to put into words how much this journey Jesus is walking with me hurts. I know that I will live through this, even though some days I feel as though I won't.
I look at my friends who are pregnant, some of them for the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th time and I ask God when is it my turn? I see friends who are struggling to get pregnant again, and yet they have one child to look at and thank God for, and some how their one blessing helps them make it through the almost unbearable days. And then I hear stories of women who get pregnant and have abortions and I scream GOD THAT IS SO FUCKING UNFAIR! (Sorry if my use of the F word offends you. That is honestly where I am at, and I am not going to sugar coat this). And then I have some friends who are in the same boat as me, just waiting. Some are on adoption waiting list, and if God would give us the go ahead to adopt I would jump at that. Right now we feel He is saying, "Wait, don't give me the back door I don't need it."
In the midst of all this hurt and I do want to say though that I am blessed. My sister - in - law after I emailed her asked me if I just wanted to come over and just be with her so I was not alone. I am blessed to have friends here who lift me up in prayer and who are willing to journey with me on the good days and hard days. If I was alone in this I don't know how I would make it through. It is a blessing to have friends who don't give you the pat answers, or the typical Christian cliches. It is a blessing to have friends who will just sit with you and let you hurt, and who are not made uncomfortable by your hurt. I am grateful and blessed to have such friends in my life, and I love you guys very much.
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5 comments:
I prayed for you as I read your post, and I will continue to do so. Thank you for your transparency as you journey.
i wish i could come & be on one of the ones to sit with you. i know exactly how you are feeling (F word and all!!!). and I promise you that God is walking with you, even when you feel SOOOO alone. and even when you cannot take one more pregnancy announcement. you make the decisions YOU need to make. it's about YOU...not about others around you...do what is best for YOU.
have you ever been tested for PCOS? i'm just curious because I had been taking ovulation tests over & over (which are soooo expensive!)...and they always came out positive. and then i found out that due to my PCOS, i will almost ALWAYS get a positive ovulation. interesting. so, i've stopped buying them, and i'm hoping that they will start doing ultrasounds to see if i am ovulating.
(we've probably already talked about whether or not you have PCOS but i have forgotten!)
i love you, and will be praying for you!!!!!!!
I think anyone who says they haven't thought bout saying the F-Word (or actually said it in their head) is lying.
As you said to me a couple weeks back, I appreciate your honesty.
I think the pastoral side of me could offer some advice, insight, and even some challenges to you during this time .. I don't even think they would be "pat answers" (I hate those too) .. but I won't.
What I will say is that I am praying for you. I am truly praying. This is a terrible burden for someone to bear. As with Josiah, I don't understand how, or why, but, I do know that I trust, and I know you do too. Whatever God has in store, I pray he reveals it to you.
Much blessings, grace, and peace Leanne. To you and Jeral.
Aching for you and praying for a miracle baby very soon.
Love you so, so much.
(((LEANNE))) I am so sorry! I wish it could be easier, but I KNOW it's not. Your feelings are so valid. It's great that you have a really great "support group" as that is what gets me through. Even after being put on the adoption list, some days are just too hard to handle. I will be praying for you both. I pray for peace and comfort and maybe someday I'll be there to give you a hug too. Blessings.
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