Last week was a rough week no doubt about it and yet we are so blessed. My homework assignment has taken its toll on both Jeral and I. However we have amazing friends who are praying for both of us. Yes it is hard for me to have to remember all this stuff and then write it our s my husband can read it. I have already lived through this stuff. Jeral on the other hand is not reading about the things my father did to me, and that is hard on him. Yet we are making it through this time.
I am also blessed to have an amazing woman walking this journey with me. I know that I can trust her, and I know that she knows me well enough to know what will help me and what will not.
Today I got to spend the day with my God daughters. I love getting to spend the day with them. We found a baby praise DVD that was hidden somewhere and I put it on. The youngest wanted to be held because she was crying, so I picked her up and sang along with the DVD. As I was singing I started crying. I was shocked that I was crying. Then I through tears told Jesus how disappointed I am that I think I am not pregnant this time.
I guess that with my body giving me all the signs that I am going to cycle yet again this month I have let go of the hope that I am pregnant this time around. I won't know for sure until Thursday this week, however since I am not at home then I will wait until that night or Friday morning. I really want this month to be the month. I am not sure how I will make it through all the family Christmas' with famly goo goo gawing over my sister and her being pregnant. She deserves the attention and I want people to be happy for her, and it still hurts. It really, really hurts.
Yet in the midst of everything going on I am choosing to trust Jesus. I know his plans are not meant to harm Jeral and I. I know that he cries with us as we cry, and I know that withholding our desire from us hurts Jeus more than it hurts us, because He is a good Father who wants to see His children happy, however He still does what is best for us.
Well I am going to go take a nice relaxing bath with a warm cup of hot chocolate and Bailey's. Yummy!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Tired
That is how I feel today, how I felt yesterday, and how I think I will be feeling for the next few days until my homework assignment is done.
It is interesting I posted on my support group about the assignment my therapist gave me to do and wow the response was actually rather negative. I had to ask my self why would people be so afraid that this assignment would back fire. One thought is that when you have been violated the way most sexual abuse survivors have been the idea of trusting someone completely is extremely scary. Oiy I have had my moments of utter fear the last two days of working on this assignment.
The other thought is that a common theme that came out was that the people who were responding thought that with my husband knowing he might decide this is something he cannot handle and then leave me. And to be honest the thought has crossed my mind. However then I am reminded that Jeral does love me and we have committed to each other forever. I know the stats with Christian Marriages ending in divorce; however when Jeral and I said "I do" that was for life. No matter how hard things get we are committed to working them out, and we have Jesus to run to for help.
We also are not afraid to ask a professional for help. I know that for some people seeking therapy is "airing your dirty laundry" for some one to see. However it is not that way. We are blessed to have an woman who is here to help me and yet is very willing to have Jeral come and to work with both of us. I know that we have stuff to work on. All marriages do. I also know we have some other pretty tough stuff to work through together. My childhood, Jeral's hear and speech, and the fertility journey we are on together. The truth is once we got married our individual journeys joined together. Now we are two individuals walking along the same path. What I do will affect my husband just as much as what he does will affect me.
For Jeral reading the first letter was hard, and in return for my being vulnerable he showed me his vulnerable side and I saw his tears. We still have about 7 more letters to go. I have chunked the assignment so my husband does not have a short 40-50 page book on his hand. This way he gets to read 5-6 pages a night. Easier I think on both of us. During this process we appreciate your prayers. It is not easy and yet I know in the end our marriage will be stronger and our love will be deeper.
Funny thing Jeral the other night after finding out some things during our session with Joy said that he loves me more than he did before. Now that has gotta make a girls heart sing.
It is interesting I posted on my support group about the assignment my therapist gave me to do and wow the response was actually rather negative. I had to ask my self why would people be so afraid that this assignment would back fire. One thought is that when you have been violated the way most sexual abuse survivors have been the idea of trusting someone completely is extremely scary. Oiy I have had my moments of utter fear the last two days of working on this assignment.
The other thought is that a common theme that came out was that the people who were responding thought that with my husband knowing he might decide this is something he cannot handle and then leave me. And to be honest the thought has crossed my mind. However then I am reminded that Jeral does love me and we have committed to each other forever. I know the stats with Christian Marriages ending in divorce; however when Jeral and I said "I do" that was for life. No matter how hard things get we are committed to working them out, and we have Jesus to run to for help.
We also are not afraid to ask a professional for help. I know that for some people seeking therapy is "airing your dirty laundry" for some one to see. However it is not that way. We are blessed to have an woman who is here to help me and yet is very willing to have Jeral come and to work with both of us. I know that we have stuff to work on. All marriages do. I also know we have some other pretty tough stuff to work through together. My childhood, Jeral's hear and speech, and the fertility journey we are on together. The truth is once we got married our individual journeys joined together. Now we are two individuals walking along the same path. What I do will affect my husband just as much as what he does will affect me.
For Jeral reading the first letter was hard, and in return for my being vulnerable he showed me his vulnerable side and I saw his tears. We still have about 7 more letters to go. I have chunked the assignment so my husband does not have a short 40-50 page book on his hand. This way he gets to read 5-6 pages a night. Easier I think on both of us. During this process we appreciate your prayers. It is not easy and yet I know in the end our marriage will be stronger and our love will be deeper.
Funny thing Jeral the other night after finding out some things during our session with Joy said that he loves me more than he did before. Now that has gotta make a girls heart sing.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
A Different Kind of Day
Well today was the first day in a long time that getting pregnant and becoming a mom was not in the forefront of my mind. It was nice. There was so much else going on.
Jeral came with me to see my therapist today so that we could both practice working on our communication skills. Jeral got to pick the minor issue that we would work through, and well what he thought was a minor issue has some deep emotional roots for me that I have kept hidden. Needless to say that when it was my turn to share my thoughts, feelings, wants, sensory data etc., I almost shut down completely, thus the big issue in our ability to communicate. When things get though I shut down. However this time I took a time out, breathed lots, did some positive self talk and risked being vulnerable. Scary stuff for me. In the end things turned out well. Both of us came to a clear understanding of each other, and Jeral was excited that he got to know me better.
On to the second session - this time I was by myself, and after telling Joy some pretty hard stuff that I processed with Jesus in the last two weeks, Joy and Jesus decided it was time to write my husband a letter detailing stuff from my childhood. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! What the heck? I am still struggling with this, and Jesus gave me a deadline of next week Friday. Funny that is the same day we can test to see if I am pregnant or not, not that this has anything to do with that. So with all of this going on no wonder I really did not think much about getting pregnant today.
Well it is late and I have a big day tomorrow with starting the letter. Please pray for me because this is going to be tough. Tough for me to write and tough for Jeral to read.
Jeral came with me to see my therapist today so that we could both practice working on our communication skills. Jeral got to pick the minor issue that we would work through, and well what he thought was a minor issue has some deep emotional roots for me that I have kept hidden. Needless to say that when it was my turn to share my thoughts, feelings, wants, sensory data etc., I almost shut down completely, thus the big issue in our ability to communicate. When things get though I shut down. However this time I took a time out, breathed lots, did some positive self talk and risked being vulnerable. Scary stuff for me. In the end things turned out well. Both of us came to a clear understanding of each other, and Jeral was excited that he got to know me better.
On to the second session - this time I was by myself, and after telling Joy some pretty hard stuff that I processed with Jesus in the last two weeks, Joy and Jesus decided it was time to write my husband a letter detailing stuff from my childhood. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! What the heck? I am still struggling with this, and Jesus gave me a deadline of next week Friday. Funny that is the same day we can test to see if I am pregnant or not, not that this has anything to do with that. So with all of this going on no wonder I really did not think much about getting pregnant today.
Well it is late and I have a big day tomorrow with starting the letter. Please pray for me because this is going to be tough. Tough for me to write and tough for Jeral to read.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Surrender
"Surrender is not something we can do in our heads. It is not something we can force or control by willpower. It is something we experience. Acceptance, or surrender, is not a tidy package. Often, it is a package full of hard feelings- anger, rage, and sadness, followed by release and relief."
~ Melody Beattie - The Language of Letting Go
I will trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation.
~ Psalm 13:5a
I trust in God's unfailing love forever and ever. I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope for you name is good.
~ Psalm 52: 8b-9
I recently had a friend send me an email about faith being trust, and trust being surrender. It makes sense that faith is a form of trust, and that trust is really surrender.
How can I say I trust God and yet not surrender to His will? The answer is I can not, and instead of saying my head gets this and my heart does not, I need to just say that I am not there yet. To try and disconnect the head and the heart to attempt to sell to others that I trust God and have surrendered to Him, may fool them, however it will never fool God because He designed us to be wholly connected. My brain, and my heart are connect and are one. They work together, so if I am not there I need to stop blaming it on one or the other and just say DADA I am not there!
Fortunately for me today I am there. I know that surrendering my deepest desires to be a mom to Jesus is not going to be easy. I don't think it is meant to be easy. I know for today I can let whatever Jesus' will for me in this matter be what it is for today.
Surrender is also a personal process. It is something that only I can do for my self. My husband is not able to surrender for me, my therapist is not able to surrender for me, and my friends are not able to surrender for me. Only I am able to to do that, only I am able to choose that for myself.
For today I do know this and I am there, that Jesus is good, His love is unfailing. He never questions His love for me, even when I question it because I do not get what I want. My heavenly DADA is good right to the very core, and His plan is best for me. So I choose to have faith, I choose to trust and I choose to surrender.
On a different note Jeral and I are driving to Abbotsford today, and we are having coffee with his Uncle and Aunt. I have avoided this for almost two years now. They are people who like to pry and ask a ton of questions, and we know the baby question will come up, and we know that Jeral's mother has told the family everything about my having PCOS. I am starting to feel a little anxious about this coffee time. I am breathing and calming myself down. So if you could pray for us, for me that would be great. Please especially pray that I do not saying anything rude.
Blessings to all!
Leanne
~ Melody Beattie - The Language of Letting Go
I will trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation.
~ Psalm 13:5a
I trust in God's unfailing love forever and ever. I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope for you name is good.
~ Psalm 52: 8b-9
I recently had a friend send me an email about faith being trust, and trust being surrender. It makes sense that faith is a form of trust, and that trust is really surrender.
How can I say I trust God and yet not surrender to His will? The answer is I can not, and instead of saying my head gets this and my heart does not, I need to just say that I am not there yet. To try and disconnect the head and the heart to attempt to sell to others that I trust God and have surrendered to Him, may fool them, however it will never fool God because He designed us to be wholly connected. My brain, and my heart are connect and are one. They work together, so if I am not there I need to stop blaming it on one or the other and just say DADA I am not there!
Fortunately for me today I am there. I know that surrendering my deepest desires to be a mom to Jesus is not going to be easy. I don't think it is meant to be easy. I know for today I can let whatever Jesus' will for me in this matter be what it is for today.
Surrender is also a personal process. It is something that only I can do for my self. My husband is not able to surrender for me, my therapist is not able to surrender for me, and my friends are not able to surrender for me. Only I am able to to do that, only I am able to choose that for myself.
For today I do know this and I am there, that Jesus is good, His love is unfailing. He never questions His love for me, even when I question it because I do not get what I want. My heavenly DADA is good right to the very core, and His plan is best for me. So I choose to have faith, I choose to trust and I choose to surrender.
On a different note Jeral and I are driving to Abbotsford today, and we are having coffee with his Uncle and Aunt. I have avoided this for almost two years now. They are people who like to pry and ask a ton of questions, and we know the baby question will come up, and we know that Jeral's mother has told the family everything about my having PCOS. I am starting to feel a little anxious about this coffee time. I am breathing and calming myself down. So if you could pray for us, for me that would be great. Please especially pray that I do not saying anything rude.
Blessings to all!
Leanne
Monday, October 20, 2008
Today I will Trust
Today I Will Trust
Today, I will stop straining to know what I don't know. To see what I can't see. To understand what I don't yet understand. I will trust that being is sufficient, and I will let go of my need to figure things out.
~ Melody Beattie - The Language of Letting Go
Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.
~ Proverbs 3:5-6
So every morning I get a delightful little meditation emailed to me, something to ponder besides all the other things I ponder. Today's was about trust and how timely when I just wrote what I wrote yesterday about letting go and trusting Jesus.
I know that I will have many more days to come in which I fight and struggle with taking back my desire to be a mom. However for today I am able to trust. Really that is all Jesus asks us for, to trust in him today. Tomorrow we have no idea what we will be doing, even if we plan things, sometimes plans change, a friend drops by, a phone call happens, and accident - who knows, all we have is today and today I am able to say, "DADA I will trust you with my desire to be a mom. I will not lean on the things I do or the things I understand. Instead I will curl up in Your loving arms and rest, trusting that you know best."
I will trust one moment at a time, and one day at a time! This is what I am able to do and this I believe is all He is asking me to do!
Blessings to you all!
Today, I will stop straining to know what I don't know. To see what I can't see. To understand what I don't yet understand. I will trust that being is sufficient, and I will let go of my need to figure things out.
~ Melody Beattie - The Language of Letting Go
Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.
~ Proverbs 3:5-6
So every morning I get a delightful little meditation emailed to me, something to ponder besides all the other things I ponder. Today's was about trust and how timely when I just wrote what I wrote yesterday about letting go and trusting Jesus.
I know that I will have many more days to come in which I fight and struggle with taking back my desire to be a mom. However for today I am able to trust. Really that is all Jesus asks us for, to trust in him today. Tomorrow we have no idea what we will be doing, even if we plan things, sometimes plans change, a friend drops by, a phone call happens, and accident - who knows, all we have is today and today I am able to say, "DADA I will trust you with my desire to be a mom. I will not lean on the things I do or the things I understand. Instead I will curl up in Your loving arms and rest, trusting that you know best."
I will trust one moment at a time, and one day at a time! This is what I am able to do and this I believe is all He is asking me to do!
Blessings to you all!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
While I was in Church
Okay I know that I am a bad example of what you are not supposed to do in church, however I am just one of those people who does not sit well and listen in Church. Instead I have a notebook and a pen to journal and listen to what Jesus is saying to me.
So today for some reason I felt Jesus wanted to talk about the fertility journey that Jeral and I are on. I know, I know this seems to be the main gist of what I am writing about these days. I have been so afraid that Jesus will allow me to stay barren for the rest of my life just so I can be an encouragement and speak into the lives of other women with fertility issues. Well needless to say that I do not want that, and I do not want to be that woman. However I have spent so much time rejecting what the future may hold and look like that I have missed the right here and now. Does this make any sense? I sometimes struggle with having the right words.
I think that talking about fertility issues in an open and honest way is something that we shy away from. I know I have. For one we start to believe that there is something wrong with us, and for me I started to believe that noting being able to conceive was God punishing me for not being good enough. I know when you read this it almost sounds ridiculous. There are also thoughts of not being fully a women, there is something wrong with me. Thoughts of noting being able to do what I was placed on earth to do. Then we try so hard to figure out what is wrong with us and how to fix it. At least I have. I have read books on PCOS (my fertility problem), and other books on stuff like this. I have thought well if I do this and that then I will get pregnant. The good thing is I am living healthier, and by making that choice I will hopefully live longer. Choosing to do those things though has not helped us get pregnant.
Besides all the physical stuff, the spiritual and emotional stuff gets in the mix too. Try not to stress out, because that works against couples trying to get pregnant. So anytime I start to stress I beat myself up which only makes it worse. I start to think well maybe i need to just humble myself and ask the elders to pray and then Jesus will bless my womb and open it. Guess what all those thing are good and still they do not guarantee my getting pregnant. Once again I start to think and do things as if I am in control of whether or not I conceive a child. The truth is I have no control over this.
I am a woman who is still on the childless side of the fertility journey. I understand how much it hurts and how scary it is to let go of control and trust Jesus with my hearts deepest desire. I hope and pray that I may be a women who one day soon will be on the other side of the journey with babies (lots of babies) in my arms. However I may also have to face that may not be a part of the journey for Jeral and I. Is that okay - my heart says it will hurt and my mind says no not in this moment. However I know Jesus only wants what is best. However today I am making the choice that I am not going to miss the moments to bless and encourage others on this journey anymore. What I forget sometimes is that no matter how I feel on any given day I have Jesus holding me and lifting me up when I feel and struggle to go on. He has got me, and he has got you.
So that is what Jesus and I talked about during Church! I like church services like that!
Blessings to you all!
So today for some reason I felt Jesus wanted to talk about the fertility journey that Jeral and I are on. I know, I know this seems to be the main gist of what I am writing about these days. I have been so afraid that Jesus will allow me to stay barren for the rest of my life just so I can be an encouragement and speak into the lives of other women with fertility issues. Well needless to say that I do not want that, and I do not want to be that woman. However I have spent so much time rejecting what the future may hold and look like that I have missed the right here and now. Does this make any sense? I sometimes struggle with having the right words.
I think that talking about fertility issues in an open and honest way is something that we shy away from. I know I have. For one we start to believe that there is something wrong with us, and for me I started to believe that noting being able to conceive was God punishing me for not being good enough. I know when you read this it almost sounds ridiculous. There are also thoughts of not being fully a women, there is something wrong with me. Thoughts of noting being able to do what I was placed on earth to do. Then we try so hard to figure out what is wrong with us and how to fix it. At least I have. I have read books on PCOS (my fertility problem), and other books on stuff like this. I have thought well if I do this and that then I will get pregnant. The good thing is I am living healthier, and by making that choice I will hopefully live longer. Choosing to do those things though has not helped us get pregnant.
Besides all the physical stuff, the spiritual and emotional stuff gets in the mix too. Try not to stress out, because that works against couples trying to get pregnant. So anytime I start to stress I beat myself up which only makes it worse. I start to think well maybe i need to just humble myself and ask the elders to pray and then Jesus will bless my womb and open it. Guess what all those thing are good and still they do not guarantee my getting pregnant. Once again I start to think and do things as if I am in control of whether or not I conceive a child. The truth is I have no control over this.
I am a woman who is still on the childless side of the fertility journey. I understand how much it hurts and how scary it is to let go of control and trust Jesus with my hearts deepest desire. I hope and pray that I may be a women who one day soon will be on the other side of the journey with babies (lots of babies) in my arms. However I may also have to face that may not be a part of the journey for Jeral and I. Is that okay - my heart says it will hurt and my mind says no not in this moment. However I know Jesus only wants what is best. However today I am making the choice that I am not going to miss the moments to bless and encourage others on this journey anymore. What I forget sometimes is that no matter how I feel on any given day I have Jesus holding me and lifting me up when I feel and struggle to go on. He has got me, and he has got you.
So that is what Jesus and I talked about during Church! I like church services like that!
Blessings to you all!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
An Evening Out and Other Stuff
Last Jeral and I got to go out for a nice date. We went to Earls and then the plan was to go see the movie "Express: the Ernie Davis Story" however the movie we wanted to see was not in theaters in Vernon, so we decided to take our time at dinner, and then we came home.
During dinner we talked about lots of stuff. However the big thing that we are talking about these days is whether or not to have the elders/leadership team of our church prayer over us and anoint us with oil. In the past few months we have had 2 people say that they feel we need to take that step. For one couple that was the step took before getting pregnant with their first child. The other person well we do not know him from a hole in the ground.
For me I am torn with this. I am not opposed to talking about our struggle to conceive with our friends, however the thought of having people pray over us scares me. A few months ago when 3 of my close friends came over just to hang out and be with me in the midst of a dark period of the fertility journey. When they asked if they could pray with me, I said that I would prefer that they pray on their own instead of with me because I was afraid of completely melting down.
On top of this I am ambivalent about church. Not about Jesus just about corporate church, and the traditionalism and legalism I see and feel, so then to have our leadership team pray and anoint us with oil for me is also not something I am comfortable with. Do I see myself falling under the spiritual authority of these people. No, as much as thy are wonderful and good people I do not see them as spiritual authorities in my life with the exception of 1 woman who is a dear friend/older sister that I never had.
So where does this leave us. Well, I do have other mentors in my life and we have other close friends that we love and trust and so we are going to ask them to pray with us and for us. This is stretching for me. I am normally one who likes to pray and listen on behalf of others, I am not the one who likes to let others sit and listen on my behalf. This has been mostly out of fear. Therefore we have decided that it is time to stop being afraid of what Gods plan for our future is, especially in regards to children. I am even going to get brave enough to ask my counsellor to pray and listen carefully on this.
Both Jeral and I have been so grateful in the past almost 2 years for your prayers in regards to all of this fertility journey. We do ask that you continue to pray for our hearts, our minds, and our marriage in all of this (don`t worry our marriage is very strong however it never hurts to pray for the marriages of your friends).
Yeah, so that was our conversation last night.
In other news, nothing much is going on. my grandma (the one who is still alive) was in the hospital and now she is home. Jeral and I are heading to Abbotsford this coming week for a night. Short trip and yet we are busy people so short trips seem to be the way we do things lately. That is it I think!
During dinner we talked about lots of stuff. However the big thing that we are talking about these days is whether or not to have the elders/leadership team of our church prayer over us and anoint us with oil. In the past few months we have had 2 people say that they feel we need to take that step. For one couple that was the step took before getting pregnant with their first child. The other person well we do not know him from a hole in the ground.
For me I am torn with this. I am not opposed to talking about our struggle to conceive with our friends, however the thought of having people pray over us scares me. A few months ago when 3 of my close friends came over just to hang out and be with me in the midst of a dark period of the fertility journey. When they asked if they could pray with me, I said that I would prefer that they pray on their own instead of with me because I was afraid of completely melting down.
On top of this I am ambivalent about church. Not about Jesus just about corporate church, and the traditionalism and legalism I see and feel, so then to have our leadership team pray and anoint us with oil for me is also not something I am comfortable with. Do I see myself falling under the spiritual authority of these people. No, as much as thy are wonderful and good people I do not see them as spiritual authorities in my life with the exception of 1 woman who is a dear friend/older sister that I never had.
So where does this leave us. Well, I do have other mentors in my life and we have other close friends that we love and trust and so we are going to ask them to pray with us and for us. This is stretching for me. I am normally one who likes to pray and listen on behalf of others, I am not the one who likes to let others sit and listen on my behalf. This has been mostly out of fear. Therefore we have decided that it is time to stop being afraid of what Gods plan for our future is, especially in regards to children. I am even going to get brave enough to ask my counsellor to pray and listen carefully on this.
Both Jeral and I have been so grateful in the past almost 2 years for your prayers in regards to all of this fertility journey. We do ask that you continue to pray for our hearts, our minds, and our marriage in all of this (don`t worry our marriage is very strong however it never hurts to pray for the marriages of your friends).
Yeah, so that was our conversation last night.
In other news, nothing much is going on. my grandma (the one who is still alive) was in the hospital and now she is home. Jeral and I are heading to Abbotsford this coming week for a night. Short trip and yet we are busy people so short trips seem to be the way we do things lately. That is it I think!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Stuff
So nothing much is happening around here. I hope that you all had a great Thanks Giving.
We ate and then ate some more. On the Saturday my mom made a huge dinner at her place, which included making three pies. And people wonder where I get my knack for making too much. Actually I have become one of those people who always makes extra at every meal just in case someone shows up. That way there is always food ready for a friend!
Then on Monday we had dinner with Jeral's brother's family, and another family that we are friends with. And once again there was a ton of food, and it was sooooooooooo good.
A little side note - Honestly I think that we need to eat more as friends and family. There is nothing like food to bring people together.
So here are a few things that I am thankful for.
1) Having Jesus in my life
2) My amazing husband - who I love more and more ever day
3) Family - even the ones that drive me crazy
4) Good friends - friends are the family you choose and I have a great chosen family!
5) For the blessing of not having to work - it has only taken me just over a year to finally get the lesson and the need for me to just rest and not be so busy!
6) A good cup of coffee on the mornings that I am up way to early.
7) My lovely home and farm
8)All my nieces and nephews (this includes all the ones we have adopted along the way -we love you all)!
9) Chloe and Sophia Bartel - you two sweet little girls have made the journey towards being parents easier on Uncle Jeral and I by blessing us with being in our lives! We love you girls!
10) The ability to learn and grow and change.
Well I believe that I will stop my list there for today. I have much to be thankful for, and I need to remember that in the midst of wanting one thing so badly it is easy to get caught up in that one thing, and forget about all the other good stuff that Jesus has showered down upon us!
Hope you are all well. Blessings!
Leanne
Ps- with going private I have also changed the look of my blog. I think I look good in pink!!!!!! Plus I was having some issues with the appearance of the other blog so changing things up is good. Also what else is a girl to do at 4:30 am when she is wide awake?!?!?!
We ate and then ate some more. On the Saturday my mom made a huge dinner at her place, which included making three pies. And people wonder where I get my knack for making too much. Actually I have become one of those people who always makes extra at every meal just in case someone shows up. That way there is always food ready for a friend!
Then on Monday we had dinner with Jeral's brother's family, and another family that we are friends with. And once again there was a ton of food, and it was sooooooooooo good.
A little side note - Honestly I think that we need to eat more as friends and family. There is nothing like food to bring people together.
So here are a few things that I am thankful for.
1) Having Jesus in my life
2) My amazing husband - who I love more and more ever day
3) Family - even the ones that drive me crazy
4) Good friends - friends are the family you choose and I have a great chosen family!
5) For the blessing of not having to work - it has only taken me just over a year to finally get the lesson and the need for me to just rest and not be so busy!
6) A good cup of coffee on the mornings that I am up way to early.
7) My lovely home and farm
8)All my nieces and nephews (this includes all the ones we have adopted along the way -we love you all)!
9) Chloe and Sophia Bartel - you two sweet little girls have made the journey towards being parents easier on Uncle Jeral and I by blessing us with being in our lives! We love you girls!
10) The ability to learn and grow and change.
Well I believe that I will stop my list there for today. I have much to be thankful for, and I need to remember that in the midst of wanting one thing so badly it is easy to get caught up in that one thing, and forget about all the other good stuff that Jesus has showered down upon us!
Hope you are all well. Blessings!
Leanne
Ps- with going private I have also changed the look of my blog. I think I look good in pink!!!!!! Plus I was having some issues with the appearance of the other blog so changing things up is good. Also what else is a girl to do at 4:30 am when she is wide awake?!?!?!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
So I have Made the Blog Private
So it is offical my blog is private now. Sorry to all who have to now sign into read what is going on in our lives, however that is life!
I have an Amazing Husband
I just wanted to say that I have an amazing husband. I love him so much, and some days feel so undeserving of his love. I know, I know I need to work on that whole feeling of being deserving of love or not thing.
He has been incredibly patient with me and loving despite all my ups and downs, victories, progress, and set backs as I journey towards health and healing from old Childhood wounds. He never ceases to amaze me at how gentle and tender he is. I truly have an amazing husband, not perfect and yet amazing none the less.
I love you Jeral always and forever!
He has been incredibly patient with me and loving despite all my ups and downs, victories, progress, and set backs as I journey towards health and healing from old Childhood wounds. He never ceases to amaze me at how gentle and tender he is. I truly have an amazing husband, not perfect and yet amazing none the less.
I love you Jeral always and forever!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Thinking About Making my Blog Private
So due to the reality that sooner or later someone who I never intended to read my would read my blog I am seriously considering making my blog a private blog. I ofter use my blog to vent. Not all the time however some times, so I am thinking hard about making my blog private.
If you have any feed back let me know. One of the reasons I have not yet made it private was due to the fact that I myself do not always like to sign in so I can read the blogs of others. However, if I am being lazy then I am being lazy. There are some people with out gmail accounts that I want to have access to my blog. Oh well, they may just have to get gmail accounts and that is it.
I have other news I want to put up here however I think I will wait until I have decided whether or not to make the blog private!
I hope you guys are all well and that you have a fantastic Thanksgiving weekend!
Blessings, Leanne
If you have any feed back let me know. One of the reasons I have not yet made it private was due to the fact that I myself do not always like to sign in so I can read the blogs of others. However, if I am being lazy then I am being lazy. There are some people with out gmail accounts that I want to have access to my blog. Oh well, they may just have to get gmail accounts and that is it.
I have other news I want to put up here however I think I will wait until I have decided whether or not to make the blog private!
I hope you guys are all well and that you have a fantastic Thanksgiving weekend!
Blessings, Leanne
Thursday, October 2, 2008
One Level of Success
So there is officially one level of success to my surgery. No I am not pregnant. For Jeral and I that is the ultimate level of success. However (sorry boys you may just want to go read a different persons blog at this point) I cycled naturally. Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which is one level of success. And hey we will take this because it will decrease my chances of ovarian cancer and uterine cancer. So I will take this as something amazing. So with this it also means that we are not going to wait to see if I am ovulating with my cycles or if they are an-ovulatory, so starting in 5 days I will be back on a lovely drug called clomid. If you could just please keep praying with us. I know after awhile it is easy to forget, so please pray this works! Thanks guys!
I am also back in the land of peace. Maybe that is because I just have been so busy the last week, or it could be that I know Jesus knows how much we want to start our family, and I know I need to trust Him. After all I have done everything I could have to take control of this and nope, not working so back to trust and peace. Which if I look back to a week ago, I would way rather be in a place of trusting Jesus and resting in His peace, than in the turmoil of last week.
Well that is all for now. I hope you guys all have a great day!
Leanne
I am also back in the land of peace. Maybe that is because I just have been so busy the last week, or it could be that I know Jesus knows how much we want to start our family, and I know I need to trust Him. After all I have done everything I could have to take control of this and nope, not working so back to trust and peace. Which if I look back to a week ago, I would way rather be in a place of trusting Jesus and resting in His peace, than in the turmoil of last week.
Well that is all for now. I hope you guys all have a great day!
Leanne
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