Tired

That is how I feel today, how I felt yesterday, and how I think I will be feeling for the next few days until my homework assignment is done.

It is interesting I posted on my support group about the assignment my therapist gave me to do and wow the response was actually rather negative. I had to ask my self why would people be so afraid that this assignment would back fire. One thought is that when you have been violated the way most sexual abuse survivors have been the idea of trusting someone completely is extremely scary. Oiy I have had my moments of utter fear the last two days of working on this assignment.

The other thought is that a common theme that came out was that the people who were responding thought that with my husband knowing he might decide this is something he cannot handle and then leave me. And to be honest the thought has crossed my mind. However then I am reminded that Jeral does love me and we have committed to each other forever. I know the stats with Christian Marriages ending in divorce; however when Jeral and I said "I do" that was for life. No matter how hard things get we are committed to working them out, and we have Jesus to run to for help.

We also are not afraid to ask a professional for help. I know that for some people seeking therapy is "airing your dirty laundry" for some one to see. However it is not that way. We are blessed to have an woman who is here to help me and yet is very willing to have Jeral come and to work with both of us. I know that we have stuff to work on. All marriages do. I also know we have some other pretty tough stuff to work through together. My childhood, Jeral's hear and speech, and the fertility journey we are on together. The truth is once we got married our individual journeys joined together. Now we are two individuals walking along the same path. What I do will affect my husband just as much as what he does will affect me.

For Jeral reading the first letter was hard, and in return for my being vulnerable he showed me his vulnerable side and I saw his tears. We still have about 7 more letters to go. I have chunked the assignment so my husband does not have a short 40-50 page book on his hand. This way he gets to read 5-6 pages a night. Easier I think on both of us. During this process we appreciate your prayers. It is not easy and yet I know in the end our marriage will be stronger and our love will be deeper.

Funny thing Jeral the other night after finding out some things during our session with Joy said that he loves me more than he did before. Now that has gotta make a girls heart sing.