While I was in Church

Okay I know that I am a bad example of what you are not supposed to do in church, however I am just one of those people who does not sit well and listen in Church. Instead I have a notebook and a pen to journal and listen to what Jesus is saying to me.

So today for some reason I felt Jesus wanted to talk about the fertility journey that Jeral and I are on. I know, I know this seems to be the main gist of what I am writing about these days. I have been so afraid that Jesus will allow me to stay barren for the rest of my life just so I can be an encouragement and speak into the lives of other women with fertility issues. Well needless to say that I do not want that, and I do not want to be that woman. However I have spent so much time rejecting what the future may hold and look like that I have missed the right here and now. Does this make any sense? I sometimes struggle with having the right words.

I think that talking about fertility issues in an open and honest way is something that we shy away from. I know I have. For one we start to believe that there is something wrong with us, and for me I started to believe that noting being able to conceive was God punishing me for not being good enough. I know when you read this it almost sounds ridiculous. There are also thoughts of not being fully a women, there is something wrong with me. Thoughts of noting being able to do what I was placed on earth to do. Then we try so hard to figure out what is wrong with us and how to fix it. At least I have. I have read books on PCOS (my fertility problem), and other books on stuff like this. I have thought well if I do this and that then I will get pregnant. The good thing is I am living healthier, and by making that choice I will hopefully live longer. Choosing to do those things though has not helped us get pregnant.

Besides all the physical stuff, the spiritual and emotional stuff gets in the mix too. Try not to stress out, because that works against couples trying to get pregnant. So anytime I start to stress I beat myself up which only makes it worse. I start to think well maybe i need to just humble myself and ask the elders to pray and then Jesus will bless my womb and open it. Guess what all those thing are good and still they do not guarantee my getting pregnant. Once again I start to think and do things as if I am in control of whether or not I conceive a child. The truth is I have no control over this.

I am a woman who is still on the childless side of the fertility journey. I understand how much it hurts and how scary it is to let go of control and trust Jesus with my hearts deepest desire. I hope and pray that I may be a women who one day soon will be on the other side of the journey with babies (lots of babies) in my arms. However I may also have to face that may not be a part of the journey for Jeral and I. Is that okay - my heart says it will hurt and my mind says no not in this moment. However I know Jesus only wants what is best. However today I am making the choice that I am not going to miss the moments to bless and encourage others on this journey anymore. What I forget sometimes is that no matter how I feel on any given day I have Jesus holding me and lifting me up when I feel and struggle to go on. He has got me, and he has got you.

So that is what Jesus and I talked about during Church! I like church services like that!

Blessings to you all!