Just Ramblings

Later today we drive to my uncle and aunts house for the big Pauls' family Christmas. This year there will only be three family members missing. Which is a first in many years, so that means there will be 37 of us hanging out for the afternoon. It should be a lot of fun. I'll update on that later, and hopefully by then I will have down loaded the Christmas photos.

This is a time of year to celebrate and to be joyful and happy and if I am being honest I would have to say that I have spent the past 2 days numb. It was a year ago December 27th that my dad died. Three days before my wedding, he did not know that I was getting married. The reason being is I did not want him there. When he was a part of my life he was not a very nice man, and he did a lot of things that I am still in counselling trying to sort out and deal with for my self. And after a while he was no longer a part of my life or a part of my life that I would want celebrating the best day of my life to date. The day I married Jeral. When I heard he had died I was torn and conflicted because there was a part of me that was relieved, and then there was a part of me that was sad, and then I just didn't know how to feel. So this was the first Christmas without the obligatory phone call to dad to say "Merry Christmas", and as I reflect about last year at this time and then thought about where I am a year later, I realized one thing, he is dead however my fear of him is not, and it is time to bury that fear. I am so tired of waking up from nightmares crying and trembling in fear. It's time to lay it all to rest and to live in freedom.

I don't necessarily understand why all the thing happened the way they did, and in dad dying there went the last chance to get the answers to the question why? However, one day I think I will all of a sudden understand when I least expect to find the answers I am looking for. I do know this God's timing of my fathers death was perfect. Yes it through a bit of a kink into my wedding, however in the days prior to the wedding I was able to grieve not having a dad to walk me down the isle. And on our wedding night I was able to give myself to my husband, the man I love with all my heart knowing my dad was dead and could never hurt me again.

Grief I was told is a cycle, and there are many layers to it. I know I still have much to grieve in regards to the lose of a father. I now know though that whether my dad was physically alive or not I would still be going through the grieving process, because he wasn't really a dad. I also have to grieve the things that I had hoped for if he would have changed. Now those will never be realized and truthfully I don't think that they ever would have been realized, and so God is his mercy took my dad off of the earth in a very merciful way (trust me heart failure was merciful considering that liver failure and cirrhosis would have been the way he would have gone otherwise).

So I am hoping and praying that in the weeks to come, before I next see Joy that I will have been able to put to rest the fear that still remains alive. I am determined to live the life that I have to its fullest without the fear of him anymore!

Post Christmas Update

I still need to download the pictures from our first Christmas being married. However that will happen after the big Paul's family Christmas on Saturday so the picture update will have to wait until later.

How exciting to spend our first Christmas being married! I loved it. We had my mother and my sister and her husband her (along with their puppy - Oscar). My mom arrived on the 23rd in the late afternoon, and that evening she and I sat down and not only started a puzzle, we finished the 500 piece on that night. Doing a puzzle over the Christmas season has been a tradition for years in the Johnston family. On the 24th my mom and I got cracking making a turkey dinner for that evening. The first turkey dinner I have ever cooked. Thanks mom, I couldn't have done it without you. I even made stuffing and I hate stuffing, however the rest of the family likes it and my husband loves it so stuffing it is! Jocelyn and Chris (my sister and her husband) arrive just after 4 pm and then Jeral's brother's family came over about 4:30 pm (Mark, Jodi, Sarah, Rebekah, James, and Rachel). We finally got around to eating around 5 pm. Only half and hour later that we had planned however that is fine. Jeral's mom called just as we were about to eat, and she made her rounds talking to everyone, and when I say everyone I mean everyone. She even talked to my sister and Chris. We all were rather entertained. After dinner we all went to the Christmas Eve service at our Church in Armstrong. It was nice and short just the way I like it. However it was not a candle light service and I was slightly disappointed with that. I love hoe the church looks when all the lights are off and we only have candle light while singing Silent Night. Maybe next year.

After the Service we came home and had our traditional cheese, sausage, and crackers snack before opening gifts. This was the first year in years that we opened gifts on Christmas Eve. Normally my sister and I have always insisted on opening gifts on Christmas day. However my mom sided with the boys and so it was Christmas Eve! I felt very spoiled. We got a fondue set from Mark and Jodi. I got a Willow Tree figure and a gift certificate to Micheal's (yeah for more yard to make blankets to give away, thanks mom), a hair dyer (much needed so I can put the old on in the painting room and just use it for that), candles, a heater for my special room upstairs, a ball cap (New England Patriots my fave NFL team), and the movie Hairspray. Jeral got lots of gift certificates to Marks Work Wearhouse, and starbucks, as well as a carry case for his laptop, some books, some shirts, and ipod speakers.

Later that night as we went to bed Jeral came into the room with a card for me, and in the card was $100 to go towards something very important to me, I had to fight crying because I felt so blessed and so undeserving of the love he gives to me.

Christmas morning we all slept in. Once we got up we had our traditional waffle brunch, and then it was time to open stockings. The rest of the day we just lay on couches and relaxed and played with the puppy who would whimper and cry if we left him alone in the laundry room. Mom, Jocelyn and Chris all left later on the 25th and Jeral and I had the evening together. We watched a movie and almost fell asleep, so we decided to go to bed, and well I was surprised yet again when I went to our room. I had asked Jeral for a large teddy bear and I thought he just didn't want to share a bed with it so I wasn't getting one and i was okay with that. So imagine my face when I walk into the room and see a large teddy bear sitting on my side of the bed. This time the tears flowed. Poor Jeral was soaked. I truly am blessed to be married to him and I am so very much in love with him. And yes I still sleep with teddy bears! And this one sleeps with Jeral and I . Good thing we have a king sized bed.

Well that is all for now. I will write more and add pictures in the next few days. Blessings and I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and a fabulous New Year!

Merry Christmas!

I don't think that i am going to have much time to blog over the next few days, so I just wanted to say MERRY CHRISTMAS! And also I hope that this coming year is Amazing for you all.
Now how is that for short!

Grandma's Legacy

About a week ago Jeral and I went to Kelowna for the day. We got some much needed shopping done. I normally like to have my Christmas shopping done by now. However I can have some grace for myself considering this is our first Christmas being married and we have new family members on both sides. It takes a bit to figure out what to get for all the new family members.

After we did our shopping we went to my grandma's place, where my cousin and I made dinner for the 4 of us (Grandma, Char, Jeral and myself). It was a very yummy dinner. Homemade Chicken Cordon Blue, brown rice, ,mixed veggies and caesar salad, with apple pie and ice cream for dessert. Grandma always feel badly that now her grandchildren come and cook for her. However, I personally think it is about time we young ones do things for her. Growing up I remember grandma making the best perishki(not sure how to spell it), perogies, homemade soups, zwiebach. If we were going to grandma's house we knew we would be fed well. Once grandma went blind well her cooking was never the same, and understandably so. As grandma gets on in her years the reality is that she will not be around forever. This time that reality sunk in a little more. Over the years grandma has had many health issues, and she always seems to bounce back, and I have seen her in the hospital on numerous occasions, and for some reason she looked the most frail she ever has to me during this last visit. Normally grandma gets up and meets us at the door. This time she was barely off the couch by the time I got in and brought all the food to the kitchen.

Even though grandma is physically frail, she is no slouch in the spiritual world. My grandma is a huge prayer warrior. For as long as I can remember she has signed all my birthday cards, "Love your Praying Grandma". If I needed someone to pray I knew I could always count on grandma to be willing to pray and most often before I would even ask her to pray about something she had been praying for quite some time already.

It may be true that my grandma can no longer cook and host people the way she used to. However she can still pray. That is one thing age cannot take away from her. Actually I think that her prayer life has gotten sweeter with age, and as a grandchild of hers I am happy that they legacy she has left to us is not a legacy of cooking, instead it is a legacy of prayer. And I for one will miss her prayers when she is gone. So until that day I plan on asking her to pray for lots.

On a funny note. Apparently my grandma is also a little bit of a sweet talker, because even in the midst of a busy schedule grandma still gets my husband to agree to make more trips out to visit. I shake my head sometimes at that and then laugh.

Somthing to Think About!

I have really enjoyed reading Henri Nouwen books as of late. I think what I really enjoy is that he is a man who speaks from the deep and wounded places of his heart. Places where he allowed Jesus to enter and to heal. Last year just before my wedding I bought a book entitled "THE INNER VOICE OF LOVE: A JOURNEY THROUGH ANGUISH TO FREEDOM". I Have have been slowly reading through the little readings, and few nights ago I read the "Take Up Your Cross Reading". Let me just say that it was not your typical take up your cross and carry it pep talk. So here is what Henri Nouwen has to say about "Taking Up Your Cross."

Taking Up Your Cross

Your pain is deep, and it won't just go away. It is also uniquely yours, because it is linked to some of your earliest life experiences.

Your call is to bring that pain home. As long as your wounded part remains foreign to your adult self, your pain will injure you as well as others. Yes, you have to incorporate you pain into your self and let it bear fruit in your heart and the hearts of others.

This is what Jesus means when he asks you to take up your cross. He encourages you to recognize and embrace your suffering and to trust that your way to salvation lies therein. Taking up you cross means, first of all, befriending your wounds and letting them reveal to you your own truth.

There is great pain and suffering in the world. But the pain that is the hardest to bear is your own. Once you have taken up that cross, you will be able to see more clearly the crosses that others have to bear, and you will be able to reveal to them their own ways to joy, peace, and freedom.

As I sit to ponder these words a little more I must admit that I find them hard words to read, because of how closely they hit home for me. How could such deep and horrible wounds have any truth to offer? And there is no truth outside of Jesus Christ. I think this is what is meant. In the deepest wounding's of our heart and childhood Jesus has some very freeing and powerful truths to reveal to us. However our wounds also shout out at us some very big lies that first must be silenced before we can even hear the loving quiet gentle whisper of Jesus' love and truth to us. Also how often do we run from Jesus because we feel our wounding's are so shameful that He could never love us or forgive us. It is only when we can embrace our deep hurts and pain and face them that they no longer force us to run and instead we can run into to the loving arms or Jesus and therein find our freedom and salvation. Only in Jesus!

Bearing our own pain is the hardest. I find it way easier to enter into someone else's pain, and to cry with them, because I know their pain is not my pain and I can leave it behind. I know that sounds so cruel. And yet it is true. I would rather face the pain of my friends than face my own, and yet I know there is truth in saying that we must first face our own to to be able to better help our friends in their times of pain, or to help others who have similar pain.

Case in point, my counsellor, if she would not have chosen to face her pain and wounding's years ago, and continue to choose and embrace those pains, she would not be nearly as effect in helping me to face my pain. Because she has been on my side of the room sitting on the couch sobbing (not that I have sobbed yet, and I know she is waiting for that to happen), and because her pain is similar to mine I don't have to go into the brutal details all the time. She understands, and knowing that makes it much easier and I feel safer in her presence. Seeing where she is today and how healthy she is, helps me to know that one day the pain will not hurt as much, and knowing that she has walked the road before me passes onto me hope. So then it is true that when we are able to embrace and face our pain, that act enables us then to help others in ways we could not otherwise.

I have lots more to say on this and yet I think that I will end here for today. May we all find the strength we need to embrace and carry our crosses (pain and hurt).

Taking A Break

Well where do I begin. I have not been a peace lately about a lot of things. I have been feeling anxious about this upcoming Christmas. I have been feeling really anxious about us trying to get pregnant, and then feeling as though I was a failure as a wife and woman every month I was not pregnant. As I took time to reflect with a trusted and very appreciated woman in my life I realized that since Jeral and I got married there has not been a time when I was relaxed, and rested. When we first got married I was working with a very stressful group of kids. I loved those kids like crazy, and yet working with them was very stressful. I came home grumpy and cranky, and Jeral was the one who had to deal with me. I always felt awful about that and would tend to retreat to our room and when I would hear Jeral coming to bed I would quickly turn off the lights and pretend to be asleep just so I wouldn't have to talk anymore that day.

Once we decided that I would not work outside of the home anymore we immediately started fertility drugs, with the hope that they would help us get pregnant. Well they haven't and I am even more off my rocker on the fertility drugs than I was when I was working. Some days I am grumpy, and can cry at the drop of a hat, and because I don't want anyone to see me cry I drop whatever I am doing and run out of the room. We traded one crazy stress for another. And with this last round of drugs not working I was dreading having to start another round. Seriously I have entered into some very dark places being on the drugs and I knew I couldn't do that again, especially with Christmas coming up. Both December and January have some very painful memories for me as a child and adult. So to add clomid and progesterone into the mix was not something I wanted to do.

Therefore we are taking a break. A year long break. I know WHAT????? I felt very strongly that Jesus was asking me to give Him a year where trying to get pregnant wasn't such a huge focus for me. A year where I wasn't working and could learn to rest, relax, have fun, and work on healing some of my most painful memories as a child. At first my reaction was well I guess I don't have a choice Jesus since you are God you will do what you want to do. And as I told this to Joy, she said something that hit me. She said, "Leanne I wish you loved your self enough to say okay what can I do in the next year to take care of myself and become healthy, so I can be the best mom possible to a little girl someday." What got me was the phrase "I wish you loved your self enough". The reality is that I have also struggled with not feeling good about myself and not really even liking myself. Something that I am working on big time. And I also always feel that I have to justify resting and now not working. Therefore taking this break is not just about trying to get my body to better place of health before a baby it is also about learning to love myself as Jesus loves me so I can then be a mom who loves her children whether they are biological or adopted and also be a mom who can model to her children loving oneself, and being content in who I am knowing that others may not always have good opinion of me, and that is okay. Still working on that!

So here is to taking a break!

It's Beginning to Look A lot Like Christmas

So today is December 2, 2007 and even though I started getting things ready for Christmas back in November I added a few finishing touches to the house today. I have blown whatever budget I had for decorations and yet I think it is worth it. And I am just getting started! Bring on Christmas this year

The random display case that I thought was useless and no I found a reason for having it. More decorations to come in following week though!

Our Christmas Tree. I am a little anal about the tree, so in the future our children will have to have there own "special" tree so mine can be the way I want it to be.

Coffee table Center Piece. I believe that these are bits and pieces from the head table at our wedding almost a year ago.

The banister going upstairs!

The living room as seen from the kitchen island.

Foyer Entrance decoration. This is the first thing you see upon entering our house!

Door Wreath. Still not sure if this is what I want outside yet. However it will have to do for this year.

The floating shelves in our Kitchen. I love decorating!

Dinning table center piece. I still have to sew a table runner to go underneath it.

My dollar store Nativity set! Gotta love the dollar store, and look at the flash reflection in the glass. It looks like the star above the manger!

Love you gotta have LOVE somewhere in a home when celebrating Christmas, because what Jesus did for us was and is all about LOVE!

Some Distant Day

"I WANT TO BEG YOU AS MUCH AS I CAN... TO BE PATIENT TOWARDS ALL THAT IS UNSOLVED IN YOUR HEART AND TO TRY TO LOVE ALL QUESTIONS THEMSELVES.... DO NOT NOW SEEK ANSWERS WHICH CANNOT BE GIVEN YOU BECAUSE YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO LIVE THEM. AND THE POINT IS TO LIVE EVERYTHING. LIVE THE QUESTIONS NOW. PERHAPS YOU WILL THEN GRADUALLY WITHOUT NOTICING IT, LIVE ALONG SOME DISTANT DAY INTO THE ANSWER... TAKE WHAT EVER COMES WITH GREAT TRUST, AND IF IT ONLY COMES OUT OF YOUR WILL, OUT OF SOME NEED OF YOUR INNER MOST BEING, TAKE IT UPON YOUR SELF AND HATE NOTHING." (RAINER MARIA RILKE)

This quote was in a book I read during the silent retreat that I attend this past weekend. I don't know about you, however for me I have a lot of questions, and a lot of things I just don't understand, and well I want answers. So something struck a cord in me when I read this. It may have something to do with Joy saying to me earlier in the week that a 4 year old would not be asking the questions I was asking, a 4 year old would just feel. I guess as I have journeyed the last year and a bit towards healing the deep wounds of the past I have just wanted the answer to the questions I have and I want the answers quickly. However sometimes the answers just don't come that quickly, so the thought of one day living into the answers is both a discouraging and exciting thought. Discouraging because I just want all the answers now, and exciting that when I least expect it I will have an ahhh moment and understand something.

And as I write this I am also realizing that I may never get the answers to some of the tough questions I have until I get to heaven and gaze into the eyes of Jesus, and in that moment none of the questions I have will really matter because I am with Him. So then maybe the point of counselling and inner healing isn't to find out all the answers as to why. Instead the point is to learn to live. Live fully! Which also means learning to feel fully(Oiy if Joy only heard me say that I might be hooped in my next session). And this is a journey then that will take the rest of my life. Now that is a long time indeed! At least I hope it is a long time, into some distant day!!!!!

Doctor's Appointment

So yesterday I saw my fertility specialist here in Vernon. I had a ton of questions and things to tell him about the whole fertility drug regiment, and I asked for options. This whole drug thing is making me psycho!!!!!!! Well just extremely hormonal, and emotional.

So I have agreed to for now one more round of fertility drugs and after that I am going in for an operation. They call it drilling the ovaries. It is different from a wedge resectional which is what I thought was what they would do. However drilling the ovaries leaves less scaring, and I will loose less eggs with the ovary drilling. This will hopefully make it so I won't have to use fertility drugs. This will all happen while we are waiting to be sent to a fertility clinic in Vancouver. I was given the choice between Vancouver and Calgary and I chose Vancouver because I go down there all the time anyways. I still am mot sure about how far we will go with all this fertility stuff because we will be spending lots of money for no guarantees, while if we were to pursue the adoption route then there is a guarantee of a child at some point.

My doctor was very surprised that I have not ovulated yet because he thought for sure that I should have with what I was on. So I feel that Jeral and I need to spend some time praying and asking Jesus about this. Maybe this is just not the time, and that is why the drugs have not worked.

I went into have some blood tests and to make sure that I am not pregnant. A blood test is more accurate than peeing on a stick. Once the results come back I can start the next round of drugs. The reason for the test is to make sure that when I start the progesterone to force my cycle I would not be aborting an early pregnancy. In the later stages of pregnancy the progesterone would not cause the pregnancy to be aborted however in the earlier stages the pregnancy would be aborted. If that happened because we were to Hasty I would be devastated. So I will be patient and wait upon Jesus. However I am praying that I am pregnant. What a Christmas gift that would be, and to be honest it is the only Christmas gift for Jesus that I would want right now!

Oh well! Such is the way life is unravelling for Jeral and I. Blessings to you and your families!

Safe In My Arms

So I have returned home from the Silent Retreat that my sister-in-law and I attended together this past weekend. Honestly I would definitely recommend going on a silent retreat if you ever get a chance to. I have been to other retreats and Jesus always is there and He works in my heart, however during the silent retreat God did in my heart during 66 hours what would have been probably a month of Jesus and I finding a moment here and there to work on stuff.

I loved the fact that I could sit in a room with other people and not feel obligated to talk to them. I know that sounds so anti-social and yet since we all were not talking it was okay to sit in my little corner of the room with my Bible, journal, and a book and not talk. I was assigned a Spiritual Director who I saw twice over the course of time. At first I did not want to have a spiritual director. I just wanted to be off on my own, and now I understand why Jesus wanted me to have a spiritual director. It was one more reminder that I am not to journey alone. None of us were made to go alone on this journey of life and when we try to because we are afraid of what others may think of us we are the ones who really miss out.

Another surprise on the silent was retreat was seeing someone from my past. It has been almost eight years since I have seen this person, so when she walked in I was a little shocked. My memories with this person are not all that great. And yet for me seeing her was an opportunity for me to grow and to practice everything that Jesus and Joy have been teaching me lately. I spent a few minutes wondering what she was thinking about me and if she still thought of me as the woman I was 8 years ago, and Jesus gently reminded me that now I could practice being content in who I am now, knowing that others may not think positively of me. Well the end of the retreat came and she asked if she could talk to me privately, and she asked me to forgive her for the mistakes she felt she made during a crisis point in my life. I was able to say that all was forgiven and then give her a hug. Talk about a healing moment. It was as if Jesus was saying to me during that time "SEE LEANNE YOU ARE NOT THAT SAME PERSON YOU WERE 8 YEARS AGO AND THAT IS WHY YOU CAN NOW GO DOWN THE PATH I AM ASKING YOU TO GO DOWN NOW. YOU CAN REST SAFE IN MY ARMS KNOWING YOU WILL NEVER GO DOWN THE PATH YOU DID BACK THEN."

You see during this weekend Jesus asked me to surrender to Him. To stop fighting so hard to protect what I really cannot not protect anymore. Often in battle when we surrender we are saying that we can no longer keep safe what we are fight so hard to protect. I felt him saying over and over again that I would be SAFE IN HIS ARMS if I would just surrender to Him and take the next step in the journey. A step that seems covered in darkness, yet knowing that darkness is not really darkness to Him. And well every time I start another round of fertility drugs I feel as though I am stepping into darkness. All those hormones being pumped into me. There are days that feel rather dark. So now maybe Jesus is asking me to trust Him and step into another round of fertility drugs, or maybe He is asking me to face another reality that may feel even darker than pumping me full of hormones. That reality may be that I may never have a biological child. That I may never be able to give my husband a child that is his own flesh and blood. I don't know and I will have to spend the next few days being still with my Heavenly DADA listening to Him to see what He is asking me to step into. All I know is that what ever the answer is He has promised me that I will be SAFE IN HIS ARMS.

Silence

So this morning I am off to the lower mainland for well the usual counselling, as well as a three day silent retreat. I know three days of silence. I really don't know how I will make it through three days of silence. Thus I am a rooming with my sister in law.

So what is a silent retreat. Well for one thing you are silent, thus the name "Silent Retreat". Basically in short it is three days set aside to be still and rest in the presence of God, so I am sure that I will have lots to blog when I get back. I'll be honest I am both excited and nervous about this retreat. I am excited to have three days without distractions to just focus in on Jesus and our relationship. I am nervous because what if nothing happens and I spend three days and there is complete silence from Jesus. Also this is the longest I will have gone away for sine we got married. Jeral and I have been separated for longer when he went away on a missions trip in May, however I normally don't go away for this long. I enjoy sleeping in a comfy bed next to my husband so we'll see how long I can last. I might have to break my silence to give him a call to hear his voice. Yes I know rather mushy, and hey that is great because I love my husband.

So off I go, after a small breakfast and a few kisses from my hubby! I hope that you all have a blessed rest of your week and a wonderful weekend.

Leanne

PS- On Monday morning I have an appointment with my fertility specialist and would really appreciate your prayers. I have some big questions and concerns over all this fertility drug stuff. Plus we are really hoping that maybe just maybe this time we are prego's. However I am not holding my breath that way hopefully the let down won't be as bad this time.

Can't Sleep

Okay so I have a feeling that I am in for one of those long nights. Oh wait that is how they nights have been for the past little while. Ever since I started taking those dang fertility drugs. Don't get me wrong if they work then the sleepless nights of insomnia will have been worth it. However at this point there is more frustration than anything else.

Do you ever have moments or days where you want to scream, "Okay God whatever it is you are trying to teach me, make it quick so this phase of life can be over with and I can move on." Whatever I am being taught through the sleepless or restless night, and whatever lesson I am to learn through this journey of infertility I just want to understand it or get it. I have struggled with sleep since I was 17. That means for the last 11, almost 12 years of my life I have not slept properly. Sleeping pills don't work, I tried them once upon a time, and yeah my body adjusts to quickly and the dose had to be increased every two weeks. Not fun. So out goes the idea of medication and the truth be known medicated sleeps are not as good as the real thing.

I know that there are times when God will wake someone up to pray for someone else, so maybe I need to pray for both my friends Jeneah and Carla who are over due and just wish their babies would come. Maybe a missionary friend of mine is really struggling and needs me to pray. Only God really knows. And then there are the times when God finally has me still enough to get my attention because during the waking hours I am to busy trying to avoid the things He wants to do and heal in my life because it could mean some uncomfort for me. Maybe the whole point is to learn how to rest in Jesus even if my body and mind are not physically at rest. Who knows, but God.

I think this is enough of my ramblings for tonight, and as I say that I begin to get tired, so maybe I will get to bed before 1am.

Being Held Safe

A few months ago I wrote a post called "BEING CARRIED", well it would seem that Jesus has me back at this place again. This time though it is "BEING HELD". When someone is being carried it is often because he or she cannot physically walk and thus they need someone to carry them. For example back in 1998 I was working at Gardom Lake Bible Camp and we were playing pool noodle tag. I was running around and all of a sudden I saw this kid flying in the air coming right at me and I was face with a choice. I could keep running and hurt the kid or I could jump and maybe miss the kid. Well I jumped and still hit the kid. When we landed my ankle was on the bottom, the kid was on my ankle, and I was on top. There was a loud snap and I was in pain. I had snapped my ankle in half and because the boy was on top on me I had to flip back over I set my ankle back into place, so we had no clue as to the fact that my ankle was broken. We thought it was a bad sprain. That day two very strong men carried me around the camp by making a human chair with their arms. I physically could not walk and I had to let them carry me if I wanted to go anywhere. A few days later I had to let my bosses wife push me a round in a wheel chair. Needless to say she enjoyed that fact.



As much as allowing someone to carry me was a very humbling and vulnerable thing. Being Held though is a very different thing. I think it is even more humbling. Being held is a choice that we make. We can choose to let someone hold us and comfort us or we can say no keep your distance come no closer. When I broke my ankle I knew that I could not walk on my own. I had to let them carry me as much as I was not happy about the idea. However being held is something totally different. When I let someone hold me I am letting them into my inner personal space. I am in some ways admitting that I need something more than I am capable of doing or giving to myself. I cannot hold myself when I am in pain and hurting. If you watch TV you guys all know the scenes that I am talking about. Someone is mad and yelling, or they are fighting to not feel the emotional pain they are really feeling and then the next thing you know someone is holding them and they are a ball of tears. For some reason when we allow someone to hold us that last line of defence drops and whoever it may be that is holding us see us the most vulnerable we have ever been and they get into the inner circle.

I honestly thought I was safe from that ever happening. I mean after all outside of my husband who would offer to hold and overweight 28 year old woman? I am very selective with who I allow into my personal space. So when someone asked to hold me a week and a bit ago I said heck no. I have enjoyed knowing that my last line of defence was firmly intact and nothing was going to bring it down. Until someone wanted to hold me safely in her arms. Outside of my husband I have never felt safe enough to let someone that close. Being held as a child never was a safe thing, so I guess that this is a part of my healing journey. Allowing those whom God places in my life as safe people to hold me, because when we are all being held by God that is the safest place we could be.

I still have a long journey ahead of me in regards to this whole being held thing. Not sure about and yet I know this is a key part of the process.

Friends at the Right Time

This weekend I had the privilege of hosting a women's retreat at the camp I used to work at. The weekend was great. A little tiring, and yet really good.

I got the opportunity to reconnect with a friend from years ago, and it seems that God brings us back into each other's lives for a short period of time when He is wanting to do something big in our lives.

Here is a bit of the back ground on how I meet this friend. When I was 4, my mother, sister and I ended up living with her family for a month, during a very difficult time for us. Back then we did not exactly get along. She actually threatened to give me a black eye. Thinking back on it now, I cannot imagine what it must have been like for her and her brother to have three complete strangers move in with their family. As much as it was hard on us withe family stuff going on, it must have been very hard for them.

Fast forward to summer of 2000. I am the LIT Director at Gardom Lake Bible Camp, my boss informs me that the first aid person for the week would be sharing a room with me. When I found out who it was I so was willing to do anything to have her stay with someone else. Fortunately God and Will said "NOPE SHE IS ROOMING WITH YOU LEANNE!" I remembered living with them. However she did not remember that time, which I think is God, and over that week we bonded and had a great time and a time of healing for me. At that time Jesus was really working on the begins of healing some of the pain of the past and then smack! Part of the past is rooming with me. God did stuff in both of our hearts that week.

So fast forward once more to this weekend. I am hosting the ladies retreat and guess who is there. Yep this friend! God was doing some stuff in her life over the weekend, and in the days prior to the retreat God had brought up some very painful memories from the past and I was not willing to go there with Him. I fought and fought, and then Juanita walks into the room, and all I could do was say God I get it, and fight is going to be pretty useless huh!

Seeing Juanita was a reminder that God is in this all and that there is no where I can go that I can escape from Him, and yet He is so gentle. Juanita and her family 28 years ago provided a place of safety for my mother, sister, and I when we needed it. Juanita I firmly believe was God's gentle reminder that I have some pretty big pain from that time that God really wants to heal if I will stop fighting Him. God could have sent a storm or a bomb to blow it all up so I would have no choice but to face it, and that would be His right, after all he is God. Yet He chooses instead to send gentle reminders, some reminders are a little more in my face than others, and yet Jesus is so patient, and gentle.

Funny if all that crap years ago would have never happened I would not have the blessing of Juanita as a friend now, nor the connection the we enjoy when we see each other every now and then. God truly does have us connected through a twisting network of friends and family, and it would appear that God brings the right friend at the right time.

Learning To Embrace My Feminine Side

Okay so this post may be a little all over the place as I am still in thought process over the whole idea of embracing my womanhood.

I know that the title of this post could envoke thoughts of oh no Leanne is becoming a feminist. I assure that is not the thought process behind the post, so please bare with me as I journal out where God is bringing me on this.

First off I am very stoked about the fact that I am writing this post from my room. Not my bedroom, as much as I do enjoying being in my bedroom this is not being written from there. No this post is being drafted in my special room. This past summer Jeral and I finished the sun room off of our bedroom and made it into a sacred and special place that is just for me. Jeral has his office and I have my sacred room.

So for some one who would have know me in my childhood years they would be utterly shocked to have ever seen me in a dress except for when my mom made me wear one for pictures. For "Red" to wear make up the world must becoming to an end. To associate anything "GIRLY" with me would have deeply offended me and would have been so far from the truth, outside of the fact that physiologically I was a girl. I'll be honest the whole being feminine thing was not my cup of tea. I in many ways rejected the idea of ever being anything that had to to with being feminine. I know what is so strange about that. I mean after all we live a world that is surrounded with feminism. I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR! Right, I can wear the pants. Be the boss. Be in control. Never get taken advantage of. Never allow myself to be weak. Never allow myself to get hurt, because I am strong.

If you knew a little about my journey growing up and you knew some of the details of that life you would know that hey there were reasons why I might decide to reject everything that was feminine about me. I had some really big hurts and wounds. So in my resolve to never get hurt again, never not being in control, and to never be weak I decided in my heart that if it had anything to do with being a woman then I would reject that part of me. Yes I was physiologically a woman and yet in my heart and soul I wanted nothing to do with being a girl.

Once a few years ago I was out in a paddle boat at the camp I was a program director at, and I was having a conversation with my bosses wife. She mentioned to me that one of her daughters was sad because she thought I did not like being a girl. I had forgotten about that conversation until recently. As I sat down to process this I was struck my the fact that even if I would not have ever verbalized my disdain for the feminine side of me, my actions spoke loud and clear for how I felt.

Now fast forward to the present time. I am married. I have started to wear make up, and to wear skirts and dress on occasion. I know gasp Red doing girly things! I desire to be a mom, a good wife who can cook a half decent meal. I love baking cookies. I sew and rather enjoy it, and oh I am an avid crocheter. All these things I would deem to be more along the lines of the feminine and yet still struggle with totally embracing the feminine side of me. Jesus and I have a lot of work a head of us in dismantling the lies, hurt, pain, anger, hatred and sadness of the past so I can fully embrace the soft gentle feminine side I was born with as a woman and created to be. I am not saying that the driven, wants to get things done well, and practical side of a woman cannot live in harmony with the soft, gentle, compassionate, nurturing side. There may be some who are wired that way and that is great .

Being feminine also involves of having ovaries, and a uterus as well as a few other body parts that I will not mention here, and maybe just maybe in my desire when I was younger to have nothing to do with being a girl I might have rejected those part so me too, and guess what I need those parts of me to become a mom some day. So the point of this blog is to say, you know what I am working on reclaiming the feminine side of me and learning to love me. All of the woman that God created me to be. I am also allowing my Heavenly DADA to restore me in to the WOMAN he made me to be. I have a lot more heart work to do in this area yet. However sitting here today I can honestly say THANK YOU DADA FOR MAKING ME A WOMAN, and whatever lies and agreements I have made in the past that would be in opposition of this declaration tonight please take them from me as only you can.

I hope this has not confused you all to much, and yet hey this is really more for me than it is for you.

I am woman and you are not going to hear me roar anymore!

Blessings Leanne

Married Ten Months Where Does Time Go!

Hi Ya'll. So yesterday was October 30th, and Jeral and I have been married for 10 months. Some days it feels as though we just got married and then other days it feels as though we have been married forever. I know 10 months is not the one year mark, however I still feel it is monumental. I like to celebrate, especially if I get to go out. Therefore after a lovely dinner cooked by me Jeral and I went out for desert. We went to Earls because I wanted a very specific desert, only to find out that they were out. Oiy!!!! AHHHHHHHHH, and oh well then i will have something else. Jeral and I actually took this time to talk more deeply with each other.

You see this past weekend we were at a Power to Change Family Life one day Marriage seminar. The reason we went was because our friends Will and Doris Born were guest speakers. Very cool!!! As well as the reminder that we needed to not let the status quo become what always is. So at dessert we took the time to talk about some reoccurring problems. Now I know you may be thinking, what you would talk about that in a restaurant. Oh my the arguing that could have gone on. Well for one thing Jeral and I don't argue the same way others do simply because if I am speaking to fast or my voice is raised or I am yelling Jeral cannot understand a word I am saying, so we have to talk in soft, slow voices. Talk about drive me crazy when all I want to do is let him have it some days. However God knew ahead of time that I did not want the volatile relationship my parents had so thus he sent me a husband who does not yell and cannot understand me when I yell. So NO yelling! Honestly taking the time to rationally talk about some of the reoccurring issues we seem to have when they are not a huge issue at the moment was good. We were able to rationally talk and not hurt each other with accusations. We were able to look more clearly together at the issue and see where the other many be coming from. So good!

The one big thing I remember for the Marriage Seminar is this: when you are having issues, and trust me when people with varying background and personalities come together there will be issues, make sure that at the end of the day you marriage relationship is the priority, not being right and winning the issue. I am a very competitive person. Feel free to ask my husband. In any game we are playing I hate to loose. I like to win at all costs, except for cheating that is just no fun. So to not want to be the one to win the argument is huge and a stretch. However after seeing just the past few days of making sure our marriage wins instead of one of us winning I am beginning to like the idea even more.

So that is all for now. Have a great day!

Blessings, Leanne

Praying for Josiah

For those of you who do not know my best friend and her husband has a little boy eight and a half months ago. Since Josiah was born they have been on a roller coaster ride. He was born with a really rare condition and has been in the hospital at BC Children's since the day he was born. Up until now every complication that Josiah has had the doctors have been able to do something about through medicine. However Josiah's heart does not work properly. His body is not getting enough oxygenated blood to it and his body is retaining fluid, and his lungs have filled with fluid. Right now as I type this blog entry Josiah is having a CT scan and over the next few days the doctors will decide if what is wrong with Josiah's heart is treatable. If it is then Josiah will go in for surgery in end of this week, early next week. If what is wrong with Josiah's heart is not treatable then the journey that Andrew, Marie and Josiah have ahead of them will look very different. So if you are reading this please join me in journeying and praying for Andrew, Marie, and Josiah.

Round Two

So the drugs that I was put on to help me get pregnant did not work, so we are onto round two. I'll be honest. I am a little tired of grieving every month the fact that I am not pregnant. I would rather finally grieve it once and for all and adopt. However my husband is not there yet so the grieving continues. I am finding that with each month the grieving process takes longer and is taking more of a toll on me. It could be the added effects of the medications I am on. Pumping all these extra hormones into ones body cannot be good on an on going basis.

I was supposed to see my specialist a little over a week ago, and unfortunately he cancelled all of his appointments that day. I was a little irked because a friend had switched appointments with me so I could see my Dr. sooner than the end of November. Now I as it stands I will not see him until the end of November. Luckily my regular GP is amazing and rather helpful with this whole PCOS stuff and when I saw her this week she wrote the prescriptions I needed and said "Leanne we will find a way to get you pregnant!" I am not holding my breath anymore on that one. It is not that I have given up on God and His ability. I have definitely not done that. I have given up on my ability. I honestly feel as though I cannot go through one more month of not getting pregnant, only to end up pumping my body full of more hormones to see if the next month is the month it finally works. I just wish my husband was on the same page as me and ready to say lets get the adoption process going. However that is not the case, and as I grieve that and tell Jesus I cannot do this again and again indefinitely He gently reminds me that He is with me and when I cannot go on or do this again, HE CAN!!!!!! Knowing that Jesus CAN does not change how much it hurts, or how much my heart aches over an empty womb. Knowing that Jesus CAN reminds me that I am not alone, even if sometimes I want to be. So onto ROUND TWO!

A Tribute to a Very Special Woman

I am writing this post to say THANK YOU to a very special woman in my life. Her Name is Joy and she has been journeying with me and walking with me for about 13 months. Joy is my counsellor! Yes I see a counsellor, and I honestly believe everyone at some point in his or her life could benefit from having a counsellor. Someone to be there just for you.

I started going to counselling 13 months ago to really work on the effects of my parents divorce and my dad's alcoholism (which subsequently lead to my dad becoming very abusive) had on my life. Especially since I was in a serious relationship with the man I am now married to. Actually if I am brutally honest I originally went to get two friends off of my case, and then as a result of connecting with Joy I started to work on the circumstances stated above.

Anyways here are some things that I am very thankful for, and I think that every woman needs a woman like Joy in her life!

1)Joy calls it like it is! Seriously it used to catch me off guard when she wouldn't sugar coat things and now I have come to appreciate her honesty with me during counselling so very much!

2)She comes from a place of understanding. I appreciate the fact that she understands what I am feeling and going through because she has been there.

3)She won't let me pull the wool over her eyes.

4)I know she will hold me accountable to do the tasks that Jesus has asked me to do for my own growth.

5)Her compassion. I used to have a very hard time looking at her or anyone for that matter who may have had compassion and caring in their eyes, and yet now when I am able to look her right in the eyes which is more and more often now. Sometimes I just want to look into her eyes because I now I will see compassion and I need to have more of that on myself.

6) This is probably what I appreciate the most, and that is Joy's ability to cry. Her tears paved the way for me to finally find it acceptable to cry. I can honestly say that I have never ever cried alone when I have been in my sessions with Joy, she has always cried with me. To be given the gift of someone else's tears is truly a huge blessing, and to know that I am not crying alone is an even greater blessing.

7)Her openness to having Jesus lead the counselling session and let Him be The Counsellor first and foremost. I love the fact that during each session I am with both Jesus and Joy.

My life is forever changed because of this amazing woman, and I know that all the words in the world would never come close to expressing my gratitude and appreciation. The reality is that she will most likely also never read this so I will at some point have to find another way to express my thankfulness to her in person. Honestly I am pretty sure that God knew getting to see Joy and have her counsel me and help me work through some of my garbage is what would make my in ability to get pregnant right now more tolerable.

I hope and pray that you are all having a great day.

Love, Prayers, and Blessings!

Leanne

Thanks Giving Weekend!

Well Happy Thanksgiving everyone! This is my first Thanks Giving as a married woman. It was a year ago just after our friends wedding that Jeral asked me to marry him. He had planned a long romantic walk on a beach in Victoria so he could ask me to marry him and instead due to rain we went back to the truck and he asked me to marry him in the farm truck. It worked and I said yes. Actually I knew he was asking me that day. I almost even found the ring when I was snooping in his wallet.

So this weekend has been really busy. On Friday we had an amazing supper with some friends of ours. Both Jeral and I feel very thankful and blessed that they are a part of our life. After supper we went bowling with their family so very fun. I am just slightly competetive so I made sure I was placed in a group that I would win against. I know, I know how bad is that. I hate losing.

On Saturday we went met Jeral's family in Penticton for lunch. We stopped in Kelowna along the way to do a bit of shopping. I needed some new jeans. Don't you just hate how jeans sometimes rub out in between the legs. I sure do. I got a smoking deal so I was able to get two pairs of jeans. And then the best deal ever was in Penticton when my sister in law wanted to go into the Shoe Warehouse to find some shoes and I found a sweet pair of shoes for $15. I am defiantely thankful for that. We had a great time with Jeral's family, and I got to talk with my sister in law about adoption options. My sister in law works for an adoption agency so she will be a valuable resource as Jeral and I start to look into adoption as an option to my fertilty issues. Talking with my sister in law was probably the highlight of my weekend.

Then on Sunday we drove to Kamloops for a later supper with my mom, sister and her husband. I also go to to have coffee with a friend while we were there and that was fun. This Thanks Giving was the first family meal that we have had since my sister got married, and it was a first for my mom to have both her daughters married. Last year at this time I was engaged and Jocelyn and Chris were still dating. So this year has been big for my mom with two weddings. I am sure that she is thankful that there are no more weddings in her future.

I have much to be thankful for this Thanks Giving. I have a wonderful loveing husband who adores me and I adore him. I am blessed great friends where we live who love and support us. My family and extended family. A safe vehicle to drive back and forth between Abbotsford and here. I am blessed with an amazing woman who is my counsellor. I have much to be thanksful for. My list could go on and on.

While I have much to be grateful for I also spent sometime this weekend grieving. As Jeral and I drove home yesterday from my mom's house, he made a very interesting comment. Jeral asked if my mom has always gotten upset with me when I would goof around a bit and yet not get mad at my sister for acting the same way? I looked at him and said sadly yes. As I said that I once again had to grieve the fact the the family and more importantly the mother I have desired to have is not and most likey will not be. As I processed that lose I was reminded of what I have been given in its place, and for the friends I have been given who have much wisdom and knowledge I am truly grateful for.

Anyways I hope that you have all had a great Thanksgiving.

Lyrics "Swimming In Your Ocean"

Swimming in your ocean by CRASH TEST DUMMIES

When I'm sampling from your bosom
Sometimes I suffer from distractions like
Why does God cause things like tornadoes and train wrecks?

When I'm swimming in
When I'm swimming in your ocean
Floating aloft on creams
And scented lotions
I can get pretty side-tracked
I hope you'll understand

When I kneel before you bounty
Sometimes I wonder if there could be really
Ufo's that come from other planets

And when you let me taste your fingers
I take them like fruit and as I linger I
Wonder if my seed will find purchase in your soil...

Dreaming

I recently sent an email to a friend saying that I had finally listened to a song she had sent the lyrics of to me. The song is entitled "Swimming in Your Ocean" by the Crash Test Dummies. The song was her prayer for Jeral and I that we might conceive and that Jeral's seed would find purchase in my soil. It is a great song. As Jeral and I are on this journey together I found myself not wanting to dream to much about the future with children of our own, because I was afraid that if I did and I did not get pregnant then I would hurt and I some how thought that since I had surrendered my desire to God dreaming and having my heart hurt meant that I really had not given over everything to my Heavenly DADA. Some how if I started dreaming and in the end I got hurt it meant that I really had not trusted Jesus, or that I did not have His peace.

My friend in reply to my simple email telling her I had listened to the song was to not give up DREAMING. So as I sat and pondered this and other promises I know Jesus has made to me I was reminded that just because I have peace knowing Jesus knows best, does not mean sometimes things won't hurt. And just because my heart hurts does not mean that I am trusting Jesus any less. I have really struggled with that the last few days. The reality is that in the midst of our struggles and our hurts we can have peace because Jesus is right here with us, hurting with us, and holding us in the midst of it. It doesn't make the pain hurt any less, and Jesus isn't going to take it away. Instead He chooses to be with us. Having Jesus remind me of this in some ways gave me the hope to dream again. So much so that I sat down and wrote a letter to a woman who means a lot to me, thanking her for blessing me and asking her for permission to name a daughter after her. I will only giver her this letter if I do get pregnant. However it was one step of dreaming and pondering.

Jeral and I have no clue what the future will hold, however we do know that we are not going to be walking the journey alone. We have eachother, and we have our Heavenly DADA!

A Legacy of Love

Wow so yesterday was a goodbye to Will and Doris Born at the camp I used to work at. Will, Doris and their 4 children lived and worked there for 14 years. Talk about a long time, and so yesterday a lot of people gathered at the camp to remember and give tribute to Will and Doris for all the years of love and dedication they put into the camp.

The whole theme was "Leaving a Legacy"! A legacy of love, commitment, integrity, dedication, and sacrifice. The Born family is an amazing family. I was one of the lucky chosen few who got to give a public tribute to Will and Doris, and that was a huge blessing for me. Often we wait until people have died to pay them tribute and tell others how much we appreciated them etc. Why is it that we wait until we can no longer tell someone face to face what they mean to us? Is it because we are afriad to get emotional or choked up in public? For me to get to tell and reinforce what others had said already about Will and Doris was a blessing and yes I got choked up a bit, and a little emotional because I love the Born family and the legacy that they have passed onto every person who has been a member of staff at Gardom Lake Bible Camp. I was one of the fortunate few who had that legacy passed on to them.

And now the Borns are embarking on another adventure to continue to pass that legacy on through mentoring marriages. Talk about a great place to pass on a legacy of love, intergirty, commitment, dedication and sacrifice. My life and my marriage are richer because of this family.

God Knows

I have spent some time thinking about the fact that God knows and God see, and God can and does use the pain in our lives to bring comfort to others. The reason for this is, I have been thinking about my best friend Marie and the journey she and her husband are on with their son Josiah.

Here is a little info on the journey they are on. Marie gave birth to Josiah 5 weeks early and he was born with a rare condition called Pallister Hall Syndrome. Besides that there are other medical conditions that have kept Josiah at BC Children's Hospital since the day he was born. He has been there for over 7 months now, and so has his amazing mom. Marie is actually one of the strongest women I know. She hates it when someone calls her strong, and yet in her vulnerablity and weakness with those she trust she shows the greatest strength ever. I cannot imagine the private hell on earth they are going through with the circumstances going on right now. And I am fortunate that I get to be there as her friend.

God knew I would be in counselling at this point in my life, and He knew I would choose to go to Abbotsford to see a very gifted and amazing woman as my cousellor(honestly she is a huge gift in my life). And God knew that as I worked on healing the pain and garbage in my life that I would get to be there for my best friend every other week as she hurts and is confused and hurting. To get to be there with Marie and to hurt with her and to cry with her is an amazing gift. And that gift is also helping me to be able to say that if it meant I would get to be there for Marie all the pain and hurt and crap in my life was worth it. I would never change a thing, because now God is allowing to very "WEAK" and yet strong women be there to support eachother and love each other. I can honestly say that if erasing and rewriting my life so the hurt and pain was not there, would mean that I would not get to be with my Marie, Andrew, and Josiah at this time in life I would not do it. I would rather have all the yuck which I know my Heavenly DADA can heal, so that I can be there for Marie.

So enough of today's rambling. I have a floor to finish mopping! I just bought some stuff to clean our hardwood floor with and I am actually excited to use it!

Blessings, on you day!

The Journey to Health

So I am a Coke - a - holic. Not cocain, I am talking about CocaCola. I for the past few years of my life have had at least one can of coke a day, if not more sometimes. It is the real thing or so I thought! The truth is I was addicted to the stuff and lets face it addictions to food, alcohol, drugs, sex, coffee, coke etc., are not good for a person.

I was sitting alone at a place called Mill Lake in between my counselling sessions a week ago today, just spending time with my Heavenly DADA. I love getting to sit by a huge weeping willow just resting in the arms of Jesus as I process all the bunk that has been brought up in the session before. As I sat there this last time Jesus brought to my attention that while we have tackled and face a lot of hurtful and painful things in counselling Jesus wanted to talk about my weight issue. I am a big girl and I have turned to food to fill voids and numb pain in my life. There was nothing better to me than a bottle of coke 591ml and a big bag of Ketchup chips. Even the thought of that makes me really want to quit this healthy eating stuff. However no I cannot, I must stay committed to become healthy in all aspects of my life.

I actually decided to brave the scale that we have in our bedroom. I am not sure why we have a scale in there but we do. I think Jeral's parent left it behind. I was pleasantly suprised to see that I weight less than I did when we have to have physicals for insurance purposes. However I knew something was suspiciously wrong because I knew I had to be more than that. It was later last night that my husband informed me the scale was not in punds but in kilograms. Oiy!!!!! So when I did the math I was still the same weight! However I have to realize that is will be a slow process for me to loose weight and to become a healthier person. I am not going to wake up and over night have become a skinny person, and the reality is that skinnhy is not always healthy either. I really feel God calling me to become healthier, and yes in the process I will lose weight. I don't feel called to get fixated on a specific goal weight. There is a huge difference. I'll be honest. I do have a huge fear with this, and that fear is failure. What if I jsut don't have the will power to stay away from all my comfort foods, and what if I can't loose weight etc.? The realization Jesus brought to my attention is that His love for me will not change. He loves me right now at the current weight that I am. If I loose weight and get healthier He is not going to love me more than He does right now. His love is constant and never changes. So failure or not His love remains. I can dig that! And I can rest in that!

Well blessings and I hope you have a great day. I am off to go clean up after my walk with our dog Tracy!

Fender Bender!

SO I had my first fender bender today. Oiy! I was not sure what to do. I was backing out of my parking spot, one second there was no one behind me and then the next minute there was someone there and bump! The damgage was really minor. My husband Jeral could fix both cars really easily and actually you cannot even tell our car has any damage unless you are looking for it and you face is really close to the car. And the damage to the other car was really minimal. I understand her wanting my information and so on. I however don't think that we needed to go to the insurance company. Anyways we will most likely just pay out of pocket. I did take pictures before I left just to make sure there was photo documentation.

I was a little shaken, and yet thankful that it was not worse. I did dread having to tell Jeral, and yet not as much as the time I had to tell him I got a $368 speeding ticket. His response was accidents happen, and you are okay so that is all that matters. I seriously have an amazing and understand husband. Here I was prepared for him to get upset with me and maybe even yell at me for the first time ever and instead he calmly just asks for a cookie and he hugs me! I know that I was definately projecting the wounding I have from my father onto him when I expected him to yell at me. I have come a long way in my healing journey and I still have a long way to go. Funny how sometimes the smallest thing will remind us of that.

Well now I am off to bake banana bread and oatmael chocolate chip cookies for my hubby! Have a gooder!

Hope

I am amazed at how when we really surreneder something to God that in those moments He gives us back a glimpse of hope. A few enteries back I had basically journalled out how I have come to a place of accepting my barreness as a gift from God. I had surrendered to my Heavenly DADA and His plans for our lives, as much as my heart broke and I hurt, I knew it would hurt more to hold onto something that may never be a part of God's plan for Jeral and I. No joke, that same day Jesus gave back to Jeral and I HOPE. We needed a few things to fall into place for me before we could start the first round of fertility drugs, and the night I blogged my SURRENDER to my Heavenly DADA those thing fell into place.

So now Jeral and I are waiting patiently on God. Yes we have HOPE, not expectations. We have chosen to let go of any expectations. God gave us HOPE that it may be possible to get pregnant, and yet we are not demanding or expecting that God must make sure the sperm and egg(s) connect. Instead we are thankful for the hope our DADA has given to us, and we are trusting Him. The reality is God is God, and if we are to have children of our own we will because God doesn't even need the egg and the sperm to create a life inside of a woman's womb. The other reality is that if we are not to have children of our own all the fertility drugs in the world will not help. So then why am I an fertility drugs? That is a good questions, and I would reply back with a why not be on fertility drugs. The reality is that is does not matter either way God is God!

I bumped into a friend while I was in Abbotsford this last week. Actually I know it was a divine bumping into. She reminded me that God is not going to mess this up, and God is not going to mess around with me or Jeral. Wow, it is so hard to see this and believe this sometimes and yet I KNOW this is true. God didn't give us back the HOPE we have surrendered to Him just so He could dash it away and mess around with us from Heaven. No, our DADA is right here loving us and walking with us through this whole journey, so we can trust Him. We can trust Him through the joys, and through the heartaches and the tears. And I am sure we will have plenty of all of them.

So Jeral and I will wait upon our DADA and we will HOPE, because I believe that without HOPE there is no life. Here is HOPING that in the next few months there will be a blog saying that there will be one more little Krahn's running around our home!

In Shock

I am sitting at the computer in a little bit of shock today. I was not prepared to feel the emotions that I am feeling right now. My mom just called me to let me know that my cousin Mike was in a car accident early this morning and he is dead. All I can think about right now is his wife my cousin Colleen and his two children Justin and Kara. A little over a year ago he left is wife and kids, so in essence Justin and Kara lost their dad then, and yet now they have lost their dad forever.

I know that right now I am still dealing with my grief over my dad's death just before my wedding. My heart aches because Kara and Justin will never get to see their dad again. They will never get to ask their dad why he left? They will never get to crawl up into their earthly fathers lap and just snuggle in for a good cuddle. And my heart aches for them, and if I am honest my heart aches for me too. I know that our Heavenly DADA is bigger than all of this and that He is the one that now Justin and Kara will snuggle with. I am sorry if this blog makes absolutely no sense. I guess death in the way Mike died doesn't make sense. I am still struggling to make sense of things myself.

I think this is all I can say for now. So in the lack of knowing what to say and in the lack or certainty I will pray that DADA God you will hold Colleen, Justin, and Kara. That in the unrealness of loosing a husband, and father you DADA will be the husband and father that they need!

The Best Gifts!

Okay so teo posts in one day I must be on a roll or else I have a lot of time on my hands right now. I think it is both actually. So I just finished cleaning out the pantry! Yeah for that, well I still have to sweep and wipe things down however that is the easy part now. However is it not my favorite part.

Anyways I was spending some quiet time with Jesus this morning in my room and I spent some time with Jesus discussing gifts! Not spiritual gifts, as important as they are Jesus and I were talking about the kind of gifts you give to people. God's word does say that every good and perfect gift comes from God. So why is that at times we do not always think that gifts (aka circumstances in our lives) are good and perfect. As I pondered this several things were pointed out to me.

First because we as humans cannot see the big picture we don't always see that the current circumstances in our lives are the best possible for us. I am not saying this from a postion of oh my life is great and I have everything I want. Don't get me wrong I have a great life. Nothing really to complain about or want for. Except for one thing. Jeral and I want a child, and we have been trying to get pregnant, however I have fertility issues and at this time getting pregnant does not seem to be an option. So my question is how can this be the best possible gift from God at the moment, the gift of barren womb? Especially when I want another gift so badly.

Secondly the lack of a gift may actually be a greater gift than I could have ever imagined. As much as I desire to be a mother I desire to be a healthy mother. One who has come to a place of acceptance who I am and to love myself as my heavenly DADA loves me. This is a gift I would like to be able to pass onto my children. A mother who is okay with who she is and can accept herself and not spend so much time occupied with what others think of her. So then in essence the lack of the ability at this time to have children is really a gift, because I have the gift of more time to have an amazing woman journey with me on my journey towards healing and wholeness. If you would have asked me eight months ago, or even a two months ago I would have not been able to have seen my barreness as a gift. My heart still aches a bit everytime I do say or write this, and yet I know it is true. For right now in this moment the best gift that Jesus can gift me is the gift of JOY! And in return I can give God the gift of time. Time to allow my Heavenly DADA to healing my heart so in the future I can be the best mother He desires and created me to be.

Thirdly, I am confident that the gift of barreness is only for a time. It is the best gift I could have for now. In the Bible there are countless stories of women who were barren and then God opened up their wombs when the time was right. Call it God birth control if you would like! I am trusting that one day I will get to tell my family, and friends God has given Jeral and i the gift of parenthood. In the mean time I will trust God to give me the strength I need to trust that my barreness is the best gift I could have for now.

For those who may read this I would ask that you pray for Jeral and I. Handing over the desire to be parents and trust God is hard and yet we know it will be rewarding in the end!

Blessings, Leanne

Cleaning Out the Pantry!

Okay so today is another day to do some house wifey things! When Jeral and I got married his parents were living in the house with him, so upon our marriage they decided to move out! I am grateful for htat decision. I cannot imagine living with and sharing a house with anyone else but my husband. Anyways many things were left behind. I guess we all collect things and clutter as time moves on. I know I have collected a bunch of stuff since Jeral and I got married. So in an attempt to creat more space and sort out some stuff today I am tackling the Pantry. It is time to clean out what is not ours and box it up and put it in the sun room until Dad and Mom decide what they would like to do with it. Good thing we have a sun room for things like this. I think that I will systematically work through all the rooms and the closets until we have packed up everything that we do not need or want and then we will let Dad and Mom decide what to do with the stuff they left behind. I must admit I have never been one to like cleaning and yet right now I am feeling a sense of accomplishment as I begin to work through the house! If incase Dad and Mom are reading this blog I hope that you understand we are grateful for everything that you have done for us, and we promis not to throw anything away or give anything away until you have had a chance to look through things.

Well now my little break is over and it is time to get back to the pantry!

Have a great day!

Leanne

Making Jam

OKay so I am offically a house wife. Actually I was a house wife once school ended. However with me not going back to school as a learning aid I figure that now is when I am offically a house wife. Therefore today I decided to cook jam for the first time ever! I had a bunch of frozen peaches that my inlaws gave to us, so I figured today is a great day to do house wifey things! This is all very new to me and I think I may have evn messed up the batch of peach jam the first time around. However if at first you don't succeed try, try, try, try, try, and try again! Actually I just threw in an extra package of certo, so we'll see if it works. I hope so, because then I might actually have toast in the morning if it means home made jam! Growing up as a kids my mom made the best strawberry and apricot jam ever. It was soooooo good! So I guess I have time to practice now and see if I can come close to the quality of my mom's jams.
I think this is the shortest post i have made yet!

Not Questioning Love

So I recently had a conversation with God, like as in today about love. I am realizing that I am just beginning to understand just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to God's love. In an attempt to keep this short I will dive right into the main idea behind the talk with Jesus. It really for me boiled down to how often do I question Gods' love for me? I do it rather often, especially if things are difficult and messy in life. The best thing about today was that I realized no matter how often I question Jesus' love for me, He never ever begins to question Himself as to whether or not He loves me. Just as Jesus IS, so is His love for me. It just IS. There is no getting around it. If Jesus jumped ever time I questioned His love for me He would have jumped alot, just to prove to me that He does love me. I am beginning to realize that sometimes the loving thing Jesus does is not to jump and fix everything. Instead He is with me in the mess as I work through it.

I know that this translates to my family life and how I love others too. Recently I was at my sister's wedding, and I know there were many times that my love for my sister and mother was questioned by them. So every time they said jump I would jump and when they questioned whether or not I love them I would fell I needed to do something to prove I loved them. Needless to say I failed in their eyes, and well I also know they failed in my eyes too. I have to face the fact that I also question their love and just as I can never prove I love them the way they feel I should by jumping and fixing things. They also cannot prove their love to me in the way I wish they would. So I am beginning to come to a place, of deciding when my love for others is questioned by them, instead of doubting myself and the love I have for them when they question it, I will rest and trust in the love I have, and not question it or try to prove it by jumping! I am not sure if this will make sense to anyone reading this, and yet for me today was a very profound and won wonderful day.

I'll be honest this journey of health, healing, and wholeness is a lot of work that is for sure, and well worth the effort, and tears!

Have a gooder!

Leanne

To Have Expectations or to Not!

My husband and I went away for a week recently and during that week I read a wonderful and I feel life changing book. I will leave the name of the book out of the blog simply because it has not yet been sent to book stores. I was definately challenge by the words on every page and I was also captivated by the book. So much so that I could hardly put it down.

So now fast forward to a conversation with a dear friend. We went on a walk just to talk since we both have busy lives and hardly see each other. During out walkwe talked about the book abit. In particular we talked about expectations. Lets face it we all have had expectations or tried to live up to the expectations that others have had for us, or the expectations we preceived others to have for us. Lets take for example when we were all younger and in school. There is an expectation that we will learn the material we need to learn, and that we will learn enough of it to pass. In my home there was an expectation of learning enough of the material to get an A. Once I got one A it was all downhill from there. I was expected to get straight A's. That was an expectation that as really there. I have also tried to live up to the expectations I thought others had of me, only to find out later those expectations were not really there. For example, I tried to be the life of the party and the crazy, fun, yet responsilbe camp counselor I thought everyone wanted me to be. Oiy if people only really knew that I am an introvert all the way. The reality though is that I placed that expectation on me because somehow I felt i needed the approval of the people around me. Truthfully I only need God's approval and guess what I already have it. We all have is approval already. So why do we try so blinking hard to get His approval and the approval of others? We don't need it. I personally think that there are days when I am working over time to gain the approval of others that my Heavenly Dada is shaking His heading wondering when I am going to finally accept that I don't need to work so hard for His approval because I already have it and He may even wonder when I am going to quit desiring for other peoples approval.

However good that all is there is one more though on expectations I want to explore a bit. How often have I put expectations on friendships? Lots let me tell you that. How often have I been disappointed when those expectations have not been met? A whole ton of times. How different would my life be if I stop placing expectations on my friendship, and instead just lived in expectany of relationship and love. Now you may be wonder how can one live in expectancy without expectations? To be honest I am still figuring that out. I think that if I live my life not expecting people to be hear at a certain time, or to be there, or to even fill the void of God at times, I will be a much freer and happier person. If I can just "love on people" (to borrow a quote from a friend. Then we are both free to be who we are. We are all free to be in relationships as who we truly are, with out having to put up the facsade of who we are not. I still have a lot more to think about and I know this blog amy actually not be to clear since my thoughts are still in process I just know deep in my heart that this has the power to transform my life, and my relationships.

Have a gooder of a day, or night to who ever may be reading this!

Blessings, Leanne

Meeting the Family and My Twin!

Okay so I have been told a time or two that we all have a twin somewhere in the world. Well I think I have officially met mine, and guess what. She is my cousin! Okay well my cousin through marriage.

So Jeral and I went to Manitoba last week so I could meet is Grandma Krahn, and some other family members. It was a little bit whirl windish meeting many of the Krahns, and it was very fruitful as well as fun. I met uncles, aunts, cousins etc. However the best part of the trip was meeting my new cousin/twin Sheila. Honestly I thought that maybe when we met we would say okay maybe I can see how the family might think that because we both have red curly hair that we are a like, and that would be as far as it goes. Nope wrong there. We have a lot of the same mannerisms. Oiy imagine if you will sitting across from the table and realizing that you both sit and talk with your hands folded, and elbows up on the table. I won't bore you with all the details of the eventful meeting, so all I will say is that the similarities are uncanny!

Now we are home, and I am happy to be home. I honestly love BC. There truly is no place like home!

Father's Day Confessions

So I feel that I need to admit that I really have never enjoyed Father's Day ever. I know this is because of my childhood and the lack thereof of a father. I got all wrapped up in my hurt and pain from previous years, and the fact that with my biological father being dead now that there was never going to be a father's day in which I would enjoy celebrating my father. I got so wrapped up in my frustrations I forgot that I have the best DADDY in the world and that is God. I call God my Father and most often when I am praying I refer to him as Daddy, sp if I do that then why can't I celebrate my Daddy God on Father's day. The answer is that I can celebrate God as my Father, I just got so wrapped up that I was unable to see beyond the immediate hurt and frustrations I was feeling.

I still know that I have some things to do in the area of grieving my biological father and the lose that his death brought. A lose of future hope that things maybe different on day. How as I move in that direction and can let I hope future Father's Day will not be so hard. The reality God has been my Daddy for my entire life, and He loves me, so today, the day after Father's Day I want to simply say "HAPPY FATHER"S DAY GOD"! And thanks for the reminder that I can celebrate You!

Greed

I was challenged today by a discussion that happened in the grade 7 class that I am a learning aide for. We were talking about greed, and the truth of greed being the source of suffering for many people. I made a comment to the class that even those of us who donate clothes to the poor need to take a closer look at what we are doing. Are we donating old clothes because we have just bought our selves new clothes or are we giving away new stuff. I had never thought about the fact that sometimes I could go out and by new clothes just to give away. The reality I think my clothes right now are very functional and work just fine, and well yes I do like new things (new clothes included, if I can find something I feel good and comfortable in) do I need new things?

Recently I have been blessed with and amazing husband who provided so very well for me. He has given me a beautiful home, a new car, anything I feel I need or want pretty much I can have. The more I have been given the more I find at times I want and the more I compare myself to others. To our neighbours, to people who well lets just say this one person has more money than almost anyone would know what to do with. When I say that I would be happy living in a cardboard box with my husband am I really serious about that, or am I just saying it because I can say it. I grew up with very little and now all of a sudden having lots is a little overwhelming. What happened to the Leanne who was okay with not a lot? I am not say that if one has lots that they must give it all up. Not all. I think what I am trying to say is what is our motivation. Am I giving away cloths to the Salvation Army because I have just bought a bunch of new clothes for my self and don't know what to do with the old stuff, or am I giving clothes, both new and old away because I see a need and I want to do what I can to fill it. I pray my motivation will be the latter. Okay so that is my rambling for the day.

Blessings, Leanne

Radium HotSprings!

Okay so this weekend Jeral and i went to Radium Hotsprings. Yeah!!!!!! Road trip. We took the motorbike this trip, and it rained oiy! I was very tempted to have a bad attitude when the rain started. I was upset because I had to put my book away. Yes I was attempting to read on the back of the bike. I was reading " A Glimpse of Jesus" by Brennan Manning. I had just put that book away and started "Velvet Elvis" when the rain came. Ahhhhhh!!!!!! At least I had my mp3 player to listen to, otherwise 5 hours on the back of a bike could heave been rather boring. However despite this I decided to have a better attitude. After all 10% of what happens to us are the actually events and the other 90% is our attitude.

The adventure got even better when the motorbike ran out of gas, and wouldn't switch over to the reserve tank. I was a little worried at first. But then decided hey if we have to walk 20 km then we have to walk 20 km. Luckily Jeral was able to get the reserve tank working (I originally miss underestimated the distance we would have had to walk. It was about 55 km to Radium. Now that would have been a walk.

So we got to Radium, and we warmed up before we head to the Hotsprings. The guy at the motel said it was about 2 km, wo we decided to walk. Nope it was more like 4km. I am very blessed that my husband walked at my pace. Nice and easy. It was good exercise and a great time to talk. Once we got there is was relaxing in the hot pool, and was that ever nice. I was secretly excited to get to wear the bathing suit I bought for our honeymoon. I look pretty good in it if I may be so bold as to say so, and I know Jeral likes it and that is what really counts.

Sunday we went to Invemere. Jeral wanted some Kicking Horse Coffee, so since they make it in Invemere we thought it would be a good place to go. Then we headed home. Oiy, I was very sore. Staddling someone on the back of a bike for 5 hours with the bike vibrating on the road, it is unnatural I tell you. On the way home we had another adventure of sorts. We almost got smucked on the road. Some person thought "hey I want to pass this slow vehicle, but hey there is a motor bike. Oh well I am going to pass anyway." Jeral is a great driver that is for sure. He was able to slow down and swurve otherwise we wouldn't be here. Honestly that was rather freaky and I was holding on to my honey with all my strength.

So that was our trip. Now we are home and I am back at work. Hopefully we will have more motorbike adventures soon.